Evergreen160 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 (edited) I just ended my affair and though I think I did the right thing I really need some support. The affair started months ago. I reconnected with my first love, someone I never really got over. I've been married for almost 20 years and him for 10. We fell head over heels quickly. We fell in love, for the 2nd time in our lives. We couldn't get enough of each other. It was that kind of love where nothing else mattered as long as we were together. And the sex, omg, the sex was amazing. We were just blissed out when we were together. One thing I've learned is that affairs don't happen in a vacuum. My marriage was already a mess before my affair. I won't get into it all but we were completely checked out with each other my husband was depressed, angry, and had a drinking problem. My AP's marriage was in a similar state. Months into the affair I told my husband how unhappy I was and we started looking at what had become of us through therapy. In my mind, I thought things were already over and I was right. A few months later we decided to separate. So I have been separated for 4 months now and my AF is still lying to his wife about wanting to be in a relationship with her. He says that he wants to leave her but needs to get finances figured out first. Our relationship was so intense and I was so in love with him that this was ok with me,… for awhile. But lately I just couldn't' take it anymore. I felt like he was never going to leave her and I would be stuck in this limbo forever. So I ended it with my AP. I told him that being 2nd hurt so much that I couldn't handle it anymore. That I loved him but that I had to let him go to figure out his own life. He asked to contact me when he ends things with his wife and thinks that if we were able to reconnect after so many years then we can do it again in the future. On paper it seems like the right thing to do. I need to move on and figure out my new independent life and he needs to figure out what to do with his marriage. But god,… does it hurt. We texted everyday for 7 months and now he is just gone. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I feel like I'm going to throw-up. I feel like I can't breath. Every moment of every day I think about undoing the break-up. Please tell me I did the right thing and that I will heal eventually. Edited December 31, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 You did the right thing and you WILL heal eventually. There's no right or wrong time frame for how long it takes you to heal. Perhaps some individual counseling would be helpful since you are now grieving that relationship as well as the end of your marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 " But god,… does it hurt. We texted everyday for 7 months and now he is just gone. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I feel like I'm going to throw-up. I feel like I can't breath." Been here. It is truly awful.......feels like a death has occurred. I'm sorry 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 You did the right thing.... you will heal, and you are definitely not alone. I'm in the same place as you...all I can say to you is stay strong !! Be happy you ended now, the longer the affair goes on.. the harder it is to bounce back. You can do this.. you have to do this... you DESERVE more... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 (edited) You did the right thing, and the only thing that gives you any chance to be together in the future. Men usually don't take any action if they can have the best of both worlds. It hurts and it will hurt. Healing can be slow, but it is the best path for you as much as it hurts. Read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=20812425 Humor me...did you reconnect on social media? Edited December 15, 2013 by cutedragon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Share Posted December 15, 2013 Thanks so much for the support. I keep thinking that he was there for me the whole time I was trying to figure out what to do with my marriage and now I just left him. Right now it sure doesn't feel like I did the right thing. Like Cinnimon said, it feels like a death has occurred and I caused it. I feel like I am barely holding on to not contacting him. bentlychick: Thanks for your thoughts on individual therapy. I've actually been in therapy for the last 6 months, since a month after the affair started. I think it is the only way I've managed to cope (somewhat) with all of this. cutedragon: Yes of course it was Facebook where we found each other again *sigh*. I'll check out your link. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Share Posted December 15, 2013 Cutedragon: Your link isn't working. Can you tell me how to find it? Link to post Share on other sites
Denton2406 Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 I've been there too, I agree that it hurts so much, like a death......hope you are ok. Sudden loss of contact is awful, I feel such an empty void in my stomach, and for me it's been 6 weeks, still feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
vanellope Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 you do the right thing. I was treap in this feelings for long time, but this week the wife found our old stuff and start threatens me, and I find out this married man cannot protect me, all he think is how his wife feel, not how she can do on me, he don't care. the man who say you are true love in his life, now see what I get. leave it, run faster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 My AF texted me yesterday. He sounded hurt and angry. This sucks. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 My AF texted me yesterday. He sounded hurt and angry. This sucks. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this. Yes, you are! Tell him to stop contacting you until he's moved out and has the divorce papers in hand. If he's that hurt and angry, he'll leave the unhappy M do be with you. Actions speak louder than words. Stay strong! You CAN do this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 Sorry about that. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/members/96285-barrsitter/ If this doesn't work (look at the threads she started), search for threads started by Barrsitter with the search option. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 yes the longer you have contact the harder it is. Sooner is better. Link to post Share on other sites
Whisper Quiet Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 You did do the right thing (you know this) and you have support here. Stay strong. Posters here can help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 Thanks so much everyone for the pep talks. I really needed that. I appreciate it so much because I have no one to talk about this to in real life. AF and I talked about so much stuff - building a life together, getting married, spending the rest of our life together. We talked about sorts of plans, how good it would feel to be in the real world with each other. I guess either he will leave his marriage and that will happen or I will eventually get over him. I wish I knew now which outcome was going to happen. Its only day 3 of our break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Did you respond to his text? You'll have an easier time healing if you don't respond - or better yet, block him. MM will say/do anything to get that ego feed you provide - know that he will lie and make empty promises to get you back into that position he needs filled (his OW). Don't wait to move forward - start living and having fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evergreen160 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 Its day 5 of our break-up. MM was texting me a lot so I turned off the text app that we use so I couldn't read his texts. Before I turned it off they were all over the place. One day angry "you might not hear from me for weeks" and then the next day "this is what I am doing today to end my marriage." He hasn't been trying to convince me to come back at all. Mostly just angry or sad texts and then info about what he is doing to end the marriage. Things I have been asking him to do forever, like start seeing a therapist, he is finally doing. I turned off the app a couple of days ago so I don't know if he has written since then. Meanwhile I am trying to focus on Christmas for the kids and my ex too since we are all spending it together. We have a nesting arrangement for the kids so we see each other (xH) a lot. I'm trying to be mentally present for the kids but it is so hard. Everyday that goes by I feel worse not better. Without MM in my life I feel this high anxiety feeling all of the time and then these waves of sadness crash over me. I feel like I am just going through the motions with everyday life, putting one foot in front of the other. Everyone at work thinks that I am down because of my marriage ending but it is all because of my break-up with MM. Will he end his marriage? Hard for me to say. He never wavered from saying that he would but here we are. He is not a bad person, or at least no worse then me. We did the same horrible things (cheating on our spouses) but I was able to figure out that I wanted to end my marriage sooner then he did. We will see. I can't imagine ever getting over him though I can imagine moving on eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
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