Coping With Christmas Time

[RedHawk08]

Obviously this is going to be a tough time for many of us.

 

Personally, I wish I could bypass it completely. No interest in Xmas at all this year. Probably because it's my first alone.

 

Thing is, I knew it would be rough, but I'm feeling these overwhelming waves of sadness coming over.

After 9 months of turning my life around and trying to save my marriage I'm exhausted on every level.

 

It got so bad yesterday that I even started thinking of a way out.

That passed as I realised it wouldn't be fair to put my family through any more heartache.

 

They have been great to me this year. Especially as I found out how fair weather my friends are.

I really appreciated them doing most of my Xmas shopping for me, as I was a mess the last time I tried.

[Tom amoss]

RedHawk08

 

No kidding,went shopping at supermarket yesterday, and by the time I made it to the car park I was a flood of tears.

Yes those dark thought are always close by, and like you I think of all those who have and are helping me through it.

Now more than ever we need control over our thoughts, it’s all to easy to regret the past and panic at the future.

 

But trust we are on a journey for a reason.

At some point life decided that we needed this change, and hope that life will reward our hard work.

 

Keep moving through it, take courage that like me, you have survived 9 months.

That is a great achievement!

 

If it help, think come 2nd Jan when this is all over, you will have grown, gained more strength, proved to yourself what an amazing person you are to have got this far. What greater gift could you have given to yourself.

 

Here’s to a mindfulness xmas,

2014 is yours and mine Redhawk, may you soar to new height not thinkable this year.

 

Tom

Edited December 15, 2013 by Tom amoss

[LapoElkann]

I hear you...my first one alone after 9 years.. It's tough..the music in the malls makes me sad,angry,

 

2014 will be our year

[carhill]

I recall the Christmas after my D was final.... my mom had died about a month prior to the D being final in October so it was real 'alone' time at Christmas, as she was the last of my family to go. What I decided to do was sit down and do a Christmas newsletter and write some hand-written cards to friends and use that as a springboard to moving forward. That year I took my RV to the beach and camped out during part of the holiday and visited some friends back east during the other part. Life went on.

 

I think the one-two punch of that year (2010) was a wake-up call that life is short and sitting around crying in my beer wouldn't make it any longer, so try something else.

 

That would be my suggestion- try something else. See what sticks. I'll be back at the beach next weekend with a group of friends who either have houses there or spend the holidays there. It's a lot of fun. Find your fun. Good luck.

[M30USA]

Any of you divorced dads going without seeing your kids on Christmas Day? I'm pretty bummed about it. But I get them for 8 days straight starting December 28. Woooot.

[RedHawk08]

2013 has showed me just how resilient I can be for sure.

It wasn't just my wife this year. This year has been one of relentless loss.

 

One of my heroes, my grandfather passed weeks before my marriage hit the rocks.

Dealt with a bitter battle of his estate

With the exception of two, all my friends have shown how fair weather they were.

I have sold off 3/4 of everything I have.

Sold off our old home.

Split up my band of 13 years

Fallen out with family members that interfered in my marriage and made it worse.

 

The final straw came as I buried my 12 year old sister's

cat (one of her only friends) after it was hit by a car.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds like a Pity Party. It's been a rough year. I even had a mild heart attack halfway through it.

 

I hope in 2014, I can get a finally get a better job so I won't have to work 15 hour days and/or weekends to barely survive.

 

Whatever happens, next year WILL be better.

It's theoretically impossible not to be.

[RonaldS]

I'm picking my kids up on Christmas morning and will have them for two more dys after that. But Christmas Eve, I will be alone...like alone alone. Most of my good friends are going to be out of town, and I don't have any family within 200+ miles of here.

 

I think what makes it harder is that my XW is going to be doing all of the things we always did with her family, plus I'm sure she has stuff going on with her new guy. Nice, warm family Christmases all around for her. That sort of accentuates the loneliness, I think. That being said, I don't think the solution to that is to glom on with somebody in some half-assed relationship just so I don't have to be alone. I'm a believer in authentic happiness, and at this time of year, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I remind myself that my XW is an actor and is simply an unhappy person to the core, and all the facades and parties and boyfriends don't change that.

 

All that being said, Christmas Day with the kids will be a blast, and after Christmas is over, it's all good times. For me, Christmas Eve will be a lonely day, but a day I have to myself where I can think, reflect, evaluate, and continue to place things into proper perspective. The loneliness helps with that, I think. It's easy to the things for granted. It's not easy to stare down pain, loss and loneliness and have those things blink first. That's my plan.

 

Good luck to a those out there who are feeling the effects this Christmas.

[2.50 a gallon]

Alas, Christmas falls this year in the middle of the week, that means no football games to get your mind in a different place.

 

 

As Carhill alluded to, if you can, find a way to change locations. One of my more wealthier friends took a deep sea fishing vacation, another blew several days in Vegas.

 

 

Another friend, upon the advice of his pastor, volunteered for a soup kitchen, where as luck would have it he met his second wife. That one took, they are now grandparents.

[2.50 a gallon]

Early in my adulthood, I learned that the bah-humbug approach to the holidays, was a major turn off to the ladies. Most women are on the lookout for a man who knows how to celebrate life. I found that hanging a few strings of lights in the apartment window was like a neon sign, that said a guy who knows how to celebrate the holidays lives here.

 

 

My first holiday was looking pretty bleak. Christmas would have been our first anniversary, and not only that we had moved a thousand miles away from our hometown, so was facing having no one around that I knew.

 

 

I had 4-days off at Thanksgiving, and could feel myself falling into a big pity party. I had just moved into a very large singles only apartment complex at the first of the month. But still had not had enough time to get to know my new neighbors.

 

 

Thanksgiving day, I cooked a turkey, which I shared with guys next door and while watching football. I also dug out my box of Christmas junk and hung the lights in the window, and also was able to put some on a shrub and tree right outside my door.

 

 

Then I got really lucky as I found a bag of old cookie cutters, that my mom had given us. Needing something else to do to keep myself busy, I proceed to bake some holiday cookies. Then decorated them right down to Santa's blue eyes.

 

 

The lights in the window did the trick, and almost immediately the ladies became a lot more friendlier. What surprised me was that they went nuts over my cookies, and began offering their services as an assistant the next time I baked. Between turkey day and Christmas I baked another 3 to 4 batches, and each time with a lovely assistant, who also happened to bring along a bottle of wine or two, along with their favorite cutters.

 

 

The guys next door were envious, as they had lived their several years, and nobody had yet to score with the hottest lady in the complex. She refused to date any of her neighbors and I only lived there a little more than a month and she spent the night with me.

 

 

A tradition was born that Christmas, over the next dozen years, I must have easily gotten lucky with a couple dozen friends.

 

 

After the breakup of my marriage I swore that I would never fall in love again. I lasted for about 15 years, when a long legged, out of my league in the looks department gal came into my life. Second date, first kiss, and for the first time in years, I was lonely.

 

 

She was still in love with her long time live in boyfriend, they had only temporarily broke up when he left the state for drug rehab. Our third date she came over to bake Halloween cookies. Then it was Thanksgiving cookies, I did my lights thing, and she asked if I would help her put up some lights around her house.

 

 

Five months later when he came back, and wanted to reunite it was too late. We have now been together for 18 years, and I'm certain, it was the celebrating of the holidays that got the ball rolling.

[Grumpybutfun]

2013 has showed me just how resilient I can be for sure.

It wasn't just my wife this year. This year has been one of relentless loss.

 

One of my heroes, my grandfather passed weeks before my marriage hit the rocks.

Dealt with a bitter battle of his estate

With the exception of two, all my friends have shown how fair weather they were.

I have sold off 3/4 of everything I have.

Sold off our old home.

Split up my band of 13 years

Fallen out with family members that interfered in my marriage and made it worse.

 

The final straw came as I buried my 12 year old sister's

cat (one of her only friends) after it was hit by a car.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds like a Pity Party. It's been a rough year. I even had a mild heart attack halfway through it.

 

I hope in 2014, I can get a finally get a better job so I won't have to work 15 hour days and/or weekends to barely survive.

 

Whatever happens, next year WILL be better.

It's theoretically impossible not to be.

 

Redhawk:

You get to have that pity party because you had a he!! of a year. So sorry about your grandfather and your marriage failing. That must have been horrid as they happened around the same time. I liked carhill's idea about making a new tradition as he did with his RV.

Just take care of yourself as stress is bad for the heart, as I am sure you have learned. Get lots of sleep, surround yourself with things you appreciate and makes you happy and don't forget that sometimes the best gift in life means giving compassion and hope to yourself.

 

Hang in there,

Grumps

[Grumpybutfun]

Any of you divorced dads going without seeing your kids on Christmas Day? I'm pretty bummed about it. But I get them for 8 days straight starting December 28. Woooot.

 

M30:

I am continually impressed by how much you love your children. I wish more men were like you.

Grumps

[Monodare1]

I separated from the wife in June and its been a bumpy separation. I think it's settled not to a mutual dislike but an acceptance that we need to be semi amicable for our little sons sake. I'm getting him on Christmas night into Boxing Day. Then at some point over the holidays. In finding it tough as my elderly dad (who I moved back in with) was hospitalised last week with urosepsis which is pretty dangerous at 88. So I'm in the house alone at the moment. Feel pretty lonely but I'm gritting my teeth and pushing on in the hope that 2014 will be better.

[M30USA]

M30:

I am continually impressed by how much you love your children. I wish more men were like you.

Grumps

 

Thanks, grumpy. As one of my favorite Sting songs goes, "We try to do the best within the given time."

[M30USA]

Here's a link to that Sting song. This was my "theme song" for a long time after my divorce.

 

(Forgive the freakishly ridiculous hair on Sting. I don't know WHAT the hell he was thinking.)

 

[KathyM]

I think what helps a lot of people, and what I often suggest to my clients who are going through a depressing time in their life is to start a gratitude journal, where you write down three or more things every day that you are grateful for. It helps you to appreciate the things in your life that are going well, and that are a blessing, and helps you to stay positive. I also recommend to people that they plan a day to do the things they love or to try new things. The previous poster had a good idea, where he suggested decorating your apartment and getting into the traditions/celebration of the holiday (whatever that means for you), and that will put you in a better mood. You could invite your neighbors over for a holiday open house. I'm sure there are other people who are away from family for the holidays and would appreciate an invitation. You could volunteer for a good cause over the holidays to make someone's Christmas more enjoyable for them, such as serving Christmas dinner at a homeless shelter or visiting shut ins. The Meals on Wheels program appreciates volunteers that help to deliver Christmas dinner to shut ins. There are many opportunities to volunteer. Many worthwhile causes. I think one of the best ways to beat depression is to be a blessing to others, and there is a lot of need out there. So those are a few suggestions, which you can start today, to not only help you get through the holidays, but to help with your healing and keep you in a positive frame of mind.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Tried going xmas shopping last week but bailed out when all the Christmas carols and memories of last year came flooding out.

 

Xmas day was the first time I had realised that there was a major problem in our relationship and her coldness from my ex and her family really hit home. Even her reaction when she opened her presents from my son and I was strange as we really brought some great presents for her to make her feel special that year as it was our first in a new house. I felt so lonely and miserable on the day I went for a long walk on my own in tears. I even asked my ex the following day If there was a problem with us and she unconvincingly said no.

 

I did'nt realise that she had already started her affair.

 

There is some good news though, my son was asked where he would like to spend his xmas this year, either with his mum and her new fiance (Not the guy she had the affair with) or with his dad. He chose his dad. I have him from Dec 21 till Jan 2.

 

For the first time in ages, I cried tears of joy.

 

Keep the faith everyone, and lets all have a great 2014 together. We all deserve it!!!

Edited December 16, 2013 by Heartbroken Eagle
grammar

[TheBladeRunner]

Christmas last year was tough as it was still so fresh. This year, the holidays are much easier to cope with I must say. I have my daughter on Christmas Eve, she'll get her the next day. She wanted both as to keep up appearances, but that wasn't going to happen this year.

[RedHawk08]

I am grateful that there aren't any kids in our situation.

My thoughts are with those who can't be with theirs. I don't know how you cope. But then, we all find a way somehow.

 

I think I'm taking it harder too because Xmas Eve was the last truly beautiful day we had together.

It started badly with a disagreement, as I was so stressed at the time.

But we turned it around and had a wonderful time.

 

Who knows what will happen.

Xmas Day I'll be volunteering at the retirement home near me. I might even crank out a few songs for them too.

[Shocked Suzie]

I was dreading Christmas as last year was just awful, for me I knew he'd left 1 week prior to live with another woman... For my kids they were worried cause they thought their dad was having a break down as he kept coming n going in tears. Christmas Day was the worst, all year I'd looked at this coming Christmas with pure doom... But look at it now as it sure as hell won't be as bad as last year! I've been lucky enough to have friends reach out to me n the kids on the day itself so we will be in good company.

 

My ex has decided be a complete idiot again one week to Xmas with regards to our divorce, don't think I'll ever understand his way of thinking and coldness. Not gonna let him spoil another Christmas!

 

I'm lucky that my kids are around me... My thoughts go to those who have to be without or juggle children at this time of year.

 

The day will come and go, just trying to focus on where we are now and that it's gonna be a whole lot nicer than last year that's for sure!

 

SS x

[dumped2013]

I also do not have any kids except for the furry one that is on my lap as I type this and she is getting pissed at the moment because she is not getting all the attention.

 

I am thinking about taking all the gifts that I receive from my vendors and deliver them to the animal shelter and volunteer a couple of hours cleaning litter boxes and playing with the animals. I will do that on Christmas Eve which was our (the ex and her family) day.

 

My Buddy in the neighborhood invited my to eat Christmas dinner with his family, (they did the same thing on Thanksgiving) They have really saved my spirits during all this s..t.

 

I actually bought myself some cool stuff for Christmas for once. No more material stuff for the ex.

 

I will be here and check in on everyone on Christmas. We have to stick together. This will be my first D Christmas in 20 years but I have my little Cat to hang out with after my buddy's house. She loves me and I love her.

[Yarrow]

Last Christmas was the last time I was truly happy. I had a husband I adored, after all.

 

January. That's when he told me he wasn't happy and he was leaving. Isn't January statistically when the most couples break up? I think I read somewhere that it's because no one wants to ruin Christmas, so they wait until after to drop the bomb. I just became a statistic. Happy New Year!

[littlejaz]

Last year was my first Christmas without the STBXH (I should say HODXH-hopefully one day ex-husband as he is dragging this divorce out for ever) and it was great. The first Christmas in 13 years that I could relax and enjoy my family without worrying about how bad he felt or how depressed he was. It was also great not being embarrassed over his behavior. And I am looking forward to this year's celebration with my family and no drama.

 

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, put all the negative out of your head and just enjoy those around you.