Elfie Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 I had a grim back story and have spent much of this year trying to keep MM away - in brief, he tried it on, I lost a parent (estranged) and he became a good guy, though persistent - clearly knew he'd hit on someone vulnerable and pliable - a grotty time with him followed until I realised what he was and what I became. I also had valid proof he was a out right liar. For 4 months now he has been following me, (he used to do that during our time together but I tried to believe I'd got him wrong) turning up whereever I go (all behind his W's back, and calling me, asking me to let him come round but he "won't make love to me" he promises (used to believe that)yet knowing his idea of making love was a quick legover and buttoning himself up as he went out the door. Last week he claimed to love me. Which scared me, because he can't seem to get that I have told him over and over I know he is lying, "but I love you" and have told him over and over to get lost, in various ways - once he followed me so much I shouted swearwords across the road I was so fed up with it.... ....but now I have been told he is putting it about that I am having therapy (I did, it ended in September, but it was for getting help regarding him, but he doesn't know that) and he's putting it out there to neighbours that I am "not to be trusted", and that I have had therapy in the past - which I of course told him because I trusted hi, but the past therapy was for my violent exes and abusive parents. I keep bursting into tears because while I may deserve this, I cry because he's a lowlife coward and I can't defend myself. We never had a D-Day but I live across the road from him and I've seen a few neighbours post cards to all neighbours except me. I know that is pathetic, but it just shows how low I am, that fact that I can't rise above - how can you rise above when you feel so low down...? I am facing my 14th Xmas alone, will have no presents, have no money, wil be home alone - and so will he be, as his W is due to go into hospital on xmas eve for a long standing knee operation. What would anyone do please? How do you get your head around this? How can I feel better about myself or restore my standing to the neighbours? I don't want to expose him, as I am as guilty, but he saw me coming, I admit I was blindsided by grief and as soon as I could I got away but he hasn't let me and my daily life as I work from home, consists now of only being able to go out when he isn't around, and most of my curtains I keep closed. (I am also a former BS) Thank you for any replies x Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 This is sad.can you move away? Go on holiday? You need to cut off all communication. Like font talk to him, even if he's talking to you, pishing your buttons. Ignore it all. Go have a nice bath, stick on some nice clothes, doing something nice for yourself that you haven't done in a while. As for your neighbors why dont you get crafty make cards, bake cookies and go yo each confidentiality wishing them happy holidays. Xmas alone, why dont you volunteer with homeless, or find out if anyone else is alone (not him) to celebrate xmas with. Chin up, deep breaths & smile. Life can be cut short make this your best xmas yet!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 I am sure there are lots of agencies that could use volunteers over the holidays. Investigate them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elfie Posted December 15, 2013 Author Share Posted December 15, 2013 Thank you poppyolive and Alwaysgrowing - I do voluntary work each month, so I do know there are lots of needy places, I've done something nearly every Christmas and 13 so far is a lot more than some, and I know everyday I am blessed in many ways - I only mention being on my own at Xmas for the fact that it is going to be a time when he is on his own as well, so only mentioned it as I feel he will not give me any peace, and has put notes through my door to say please come over on Xmas day etc/ carry a large box so I won't be seen....yeah right! I'm not able to move and I do ignore him, to the point of feeling bad for him and really bad mannered (lol) but nothing seems to work, he's incredibly perisistent. He even thought once that a note I'd left on my door for a collection was a "sign" to him! So now I have to put any notes lower down where I can't see. I also tried going to shops at 7am, but he waits opposite (no idea what excuses he makes to wife) and late in the dark, even though I'm scared of the dark, but have to post items and get food etc, but he sees my light off and comes looking (I don't have a car so walk) I leave my light on he knocks at my door, I cross the street but he turns his van around - I do nice things for myself but it's what he is telling people that I am mentally fragile that I can't handle, when he is clearly a sociopath and stalker, but appears like neighbour, husband and family man of the year. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 You need to take a restraining order out on him. He is harassing and stalking you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 Agree with web. This is unacceptable. Do you have access to a victim support agency of some sort? Can you afford 1 hour of legal advice? You need some savvy allies who know how to make @ssh01es like this bacxk off and stay away. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
experiencethedevine Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 This man is disturbed. He needs a visit from the police. Do not entertain this terrorism a moment longer. Next time he approaches you, tell him if he does not leave you alone, you will inform his wife AND the police, then actually do just that. Do not make any other exchange with him. Ever. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elfie Posted December 15, 2013 Author Share Posted December 15, 2013 Thanks everyone - he's done such a convincing job on the neighbours, but they are all dominant/strong characters and one is a known bully (elderly female who some have moved because of) and she is the one spreading most about me, as he made up something she said about me and when I asked her she was so appalled I had believed him in the first place, she has set out her own agenda for me. I on the other hand have always been reclusive, hard working, quiet and a people pleaser, no confidence and this makes me more reclusive. I daren't go out really. I have managed to get an officer from my council to visit on Tuesday, not sure if I dare state the MM's name, but even if I don't, I can at least get something on record that I am being harassed. Though the officer said he would have to investigate, as for all he knows I could just be someone getting revenge. Ha, given how convincing the MM has turned out to be, what chance have I got of being believed.... Anything is worth a try though x Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 I know I have asked you this before but do you own or rent your house? And if you rent it, is that from a private landlord or the council/housing association? Sorry I can't remember 1 Link to post Share on other sites
synes Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 I agree with the above, keep any notes and a diary of contact/incidents. You should not be having to change your behaviour, this is intimidation. I strongly urge you to follow the advice and look into getting help dealing with this. It's possible that a visit from the police would suffice but I think you need to tackle this from a safe angle. from my own experience I would say get advice from an agency designed to help you with not only the legal side but with supporting you with the pshycological effects this is having on you, I don't know where you are but someone like safehorizon or national stalking helpline will guide you. Please don't just think this will go away, it may but it has the potential to cause huge damage to you mentally. Take care of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 Synes's advice about keeping a diary is spot on. If there are any neighbours who are on your side, ask them to keep diaries too especially if he is trying to spread malicious lies about you to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 What would anyone do please? How do you get your head around this? How can I feel better about myself or restore my standing to the neighbours? I don't want to expose him, as I am as guilty, but he saw me coming, I admit I was blindsided by grief and as soon as I could I got away but he hasn't let me and my daily life as I work from home, consists now of only being able to go out when he isn't around, and most of my curtains I keep closed. hello elfie... i'm sorry to hear that you're still not rid of that loser. what i would do to feel better about myself and stronger in this situation, is to stop someone else running my life. stand up to him, even if it exposes your part in the affair. (as it is, you DID sleep with a married man, so own your mistake). he feels superior to you and has now started spreading rumours about you to cover his own ar*e in case you decide to blab. well, what's the worst that can happen? is it really that important to keep 'a standing' with people who are so ready to shun you over his gossiping about you - really? do these people feed you, keep the roof over your head? why would you care to be friends with them? at the expense of this deranged loser harassing and stalking you? at the expense of your well-being and sanity? unless you move, and even then, he won't stop. the only person who can stop him is you. time to blow this thing up, and free yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) he's stalking you and drives around in a van??? YIKES! he keeps doing this because he hasn't faced any consequences for his behavior. as long as you sit idly by feeling sorry for yourself without taking any action, this creep is gonna keep making your life a living hell. you seriously need to take your life back. Edited December 16, 2013 by Artie Lang 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 How about installing video around your house? Will prove that he's sniffing around your property. I am facing my 14th Xmas alone, will have no presents, have no money, wil be home alone - and so will he be, as his W is due to go into hospital on xmas eve for a long standing knee operation. Why alone? Do you not have family or friends to spend the holiday with? If not, then why not go to a women's shelter or a homeless shelter and donate your time, volunteer. This way you're not home (alone and moping) and you'll be doing something productive, giving to others who don't have a home at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elfie Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Thank you for the replies ~ I don't own my home, but I have invested 14 years of improvements, decor etc and many things I love about the area. I don't want to move, but looks like I have no option if I can't cope or keep him away. I have someone coming round tomorrow from my housing authority and will see what he advises. It looks like a move will be the only way free, but even before he coerced me into anything, he said "Don't try and move, I'll find ya".. Now I look back I wonder if I was just too scared to say no. In answer to your replies - Yes, haha, he does drive around in a van, it is partly his profession so he has every seemingly valid reason to be driving around and popping out to "see a man about a job" as soon as I try and get out somewhere. The National Stalking Helpline is really good if anyone needs it - thank you I looked into the video equipment, it's not an amount I can afford just yet but wil be good to know, but now he is getting out his side of the story I don't think he'll risk coming near me, though today with W at work he looked over, so I closed the curtains- not looking out at him doesn't work, I don't know why I need to see if he looks over...head mess. I don't have family, they're estranged which has worsened since the parent passed away and led to this. Yes I did make some bad choices but why should he get away with coercing, threatening, lying as well as out the AF and stalking me? He is wired wrong, he wouldn't do any of it if it made him miserable....so whatever he gets out of it I don't know, a mysoginist maybe.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 but it just shows how low I am, that fact that I can't rise above Please push that thought about yourself out of your mind. You are not low. You are just as good as anyone else out there. Everyone makes mistakes, it's when you realize it and change that sets your apart. Don't worry about what the neighbors are saying, they will gossip no matter what anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts