A complicated and hard separation.

[downstreamcolor]

Hello,

 

 

Like so many others, first time poster here dealing with some really hard times. This will be along post so I apologize. Here is a run down of my relationship:

 

My partner and I were friends for about 3 years when we realized that there was something more. We dated for about 2 years and then we decided to move in together. After another 2 years of dating and living together, we decided to get married. We've always been open about how we felt about marriage and it just seemed right. We didn't have any expectations and we knew very well that sometimes things just don't work out. It's been a little over a year and a half since we married and my wife gave me the dreaded "I'm unhappy. I really love you but I'm not in love with you " speech about 2 weeks ago.

 

Here is a little more background on us and how we reached this point: My wife and I are still very much best friends and have remained that way throughout our relationship. Everything has always been open and I've never been afraid to tell her exactly how I feel and her the same to me. We both come from families in which we had alcoholic parents and very similar upbringings. While I'm not too naive to say I don't have mental issues she has had a long history with anxiety and other problems. Over the last year or so, she has been seeing a therapist to help with these issues. She's also had problems with alcoholism and I've been there with her as she's battled through it all. I saw a marked improvement in both things for awhile but this last summer, things kind of went South.

She works at a bar (yeah, I know) and usually I would pick her up from work. One night, I tried to find out when I needed to pick her up and I didn't hear anything. She sometimes gets rides home from friends so I didn't think much of it. Around 3 am, I started to get worried and the next thing I know she came in the door. I could immediately tell she was inebriated which is something that hadn't occurred in quite a few months. She looked really messed up and I could tell that she likely mixed her anxiety medication with drinking. This is when she initially told me she was unhappy because we just were not intimate like we used to be, etc etc. It was a really hard night for me because I knew that she wouldn't remember most of it in the morning but she was so persistent for hours on end.

 

After that night, we talked about it some more and things mostly seemed back to normal. However, we never really addressed the intimacy issue. About a month ago, the conversations started coming up again and I really wanted to address them and give it my all, try to figure out just what needs to happen. Our conversations would just run in circles. She has a history of being promiscuous prior to our relationship and she feels like she is missing out on something or she is coming into her own, or something. She's been in long term relationships for the last 10 years or her life and she misses the social sex life that she had before it. She is an absolutely beautiful girl (she's 26, I'm 30) and the environment she is working in results in tons of guys giving her numbers etc. I imagine the combination of our lack of sex life and this push from the outside is a huge contributing factor to these conversations.

 

Anyhow, about 2 and a half weeks ago, I agreed that I should go to her therapist with her. At the therapist, I was as open as possible. He asked questions about why we fell in love in the first place and what we hoped to get out of the session. It just seemed too short. After the therapy, we sat at home and talked a little more and she just kept saying "I don't know what to do. I need to get out of here. I can't live here." I tried to reason with her for awhile but she didn't want anything to do with it. She then decided we needed to take a break. It was obviously not a mutual decision. That day, she grabbed a bunch of stuff she needed and moved in to her friend's apartment. Over the next two days, she continued to come home and grab stuff.

 

Since the very first day, I have been an absolute wreck. This is my first long term relationship and I had absolutely no idea how insane the pain would be. Even at 2 weeks later, nothing feels even slightly better. I wake up day with intense dread, anxiety, and my whole body just feel petrified. I can't eat, I have a hard time sleeping, and I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of absolutely losing my mind. I've been googling these sorts of things every day, trying to find some sort of comfort or information. I don't have any real close friends outside of her and that's made it even harder to deal with it. I talk to people on Facebook to get it out of my mind but I feel like I'm driving them crazy telling them the same thing every single day.

 

Now we get to the complicated part: I know quite a few people say I should do the whole no contact thing but we share a car. Her current living arrangement is literally 1/2 a block from her work so she doesn't really need it too often. Moreover, her friend lets her use her car. That said, there are times where we just can't avoid sharing it. This last Tuesday, she had to pick me up and take me to work. In the car, I kind of gave her a rundown of the hell I've been going through (I know, a mistake). When she pulled up to my drop off, we sat and talked a little more. She grabbed my hand and told me "no matter what happens, I will always love you." She seemed really sincere and was staring at me. I suggested that we see a marriage counselor and she said "yeah, maybe." I leaned in and I kissed her. She kissed back, and we kissed a few more times. For me, it felt so right and like a real spark of hope. However, as soon as I got to work, she said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." My heart immediately sunk back to the ground and I've been even more of a mess since then.

 

I've been waiting since that day, hoping that was some sort of kick start to her wanting to work things out but after asking to go out for a late night diner food talk today, she said no. She reminded me that I'm supposed to go to therapy with her on Tuesday morning and that is when we would talk. I genuinely fear her reasoning is that she wants to end it on Tuesday with a third party there. At the same time, although I know 2 weeks isn't a long time, I really wish she could just figure out if she wants to end it rather than drag it out.

 

The worst part about all of this is coming home to an empty house yet a good majority of her belongings are still there. I keep trying to tell myself that this is like a vacation for her and that she's coming back eventually but I know deep down that this isn't true at all.

 

Any suggestions on what to do next? I'm working on finding my own car to keep the NC thing going but financially it's simply not possible.

 

Sorry again for the long post. There are even more details I could add but I'll leave it at this. I could really use a hug too

[TrappedWanderer]

HUG!

 

Sigh...life is so complicated, isn't it? I don't really have any suggestions, other than to maybe try and put in place some more formal "trial separation" boundaries, like the car-sharing, what kind of contact and how often, etc. Maybe go to a mediator to help define these boundaries and the length of time to have them before re-assessing.

 

It sounds like she is working on some big issues of her own (we all have them and they come up differently for people at different times) and maybe going into a more formal separation would give her the space she feels she needs to work through some things on her own, but before ending your marriage.

 

It's a tough time of year for this (going through a recent separation myself), so just take it slow and try to do what's best for you.

[jm2013]

Sorry to hear you're going through this man. If I were you I'd try to figure out if there's another man in her life. I mean to abruptly leave the house over that right away just doesn't sound right. There's got to be more to the story. I mean those are marital problems that can be worked out through counseling and team work. Maybe the guilt has eaten her away and forced herself out of the house so she doesn't have to look at you daily carrying around a deep secret she's having trouble expelling to you. Good luck man.

[Try]

Around 3 am, I started to get worried and the next thing I know she came in the door. I could immediately tell she was inebriated which is something that hadn't occurred in quite a few months. She looked really messed up and I could tell that she likely mixed her anxiety medication with drinking. This is when she initially told me she was unhappy because we just were not intimate like we used to be, etc etc.

She has a history of being promiscuous prior to our relationship and she feels like she is missing out on something or she is coming into her own, or something. She's been in long term relationships for the last 10 years or her life and she misses the social sex life that she had before it. She is an absolutely beautiful girl (she's 26, I'm 30) and the environment she is working in results in tons of guys giving her numbers etc. I imagine the combination of our lack of sex life and this push from the outside is a huge contributing factor to these conversations.

After the therapy, we sat at home and talked a little more and she just kept saying "I don't know what to do. I need to get out of here. I can't live here." I tried to reason with her for awhile but she didn't want anything to do with it. She then decided we needed to take a break. It was obviously not a mutual decision. That day, she grabbed a bunch of stuff she needed and moved in to her friend's apartment. Over the next two days, she continued to come home and grab stuff.

I leaned in and I kissed her. She kissed back, and we kissed a few more times. For me, it felt so right and like a real spark of hope. However, as soon as I got to work, she said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

Just read again what she said to you above. She is telling you that it is over. There is probably another man, which is why she said that she should not have kissed you (she did not want to cheat on him), but in your heart I think that you know that already.

 

At every point in your post, you have come across as needy, right down to asking for a hug. This is not attractive to your wife. You have probably already lost her, but your best chance to get her back long term is to let her go without crying and looking weak. File for divorce and move on. Do not ask her, your friends, or your family for sympathy; ask here if you need it, but do not let her know. You cannot guilt someone into being in love with you, so stop trying. If you have her followed, you will learn very quickly who the other man is.

[Dreamlala]

So sorry you're going through all this. I think you really need to take a step back and try to find joy on your own. Confidence and happiness are the most attractive things in a person.

 

Give it time and give it one last shot, because it doesnt sound like anything major happened like cheating or abuse or anything. There's a chance it won't work out but at least you'll know you tried.