Diary of someone lost

[jonsnuh]

So... it's come down to me writing about my situation.

 

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel lost and all I've been met with is failure from poor self-motivation or lack of interest.

 

I'm moving onto 25 now. Most of my friends have gotten engaged, married, or worked well into their career to get a promotion or two. Where am I?

 

I'm currently stuck finishing a degree that won't get me anywhere, and my marks aren't competitive enough likely get me into grad school or professional school. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and an ex that I realized had been treating me as **** have been my vices. Oh, and the fact that I had times when I hadn't cared.

 

I've noticed these feelings of dread arise when it's closest to a final examination. But in all seriousness, I don't enjoy what I'm studying. It seems like I've screwed up my marks that I won't be going into what I dreamed of as a child-- a doctor, a paleontologist, an astronaut, being rich, etc.

 

And sadly, I've become the failure I've resented becoming. I've let down myself, my family and friends.

 

Sure I could say I need to bounce back; I've sought medical and professional help, but there are things that I can never recover from again. Why? Because it may be too costly, it may be too far gone, and there may be too much uncertainty and risk that may mean everything I put into such a project with renewed inspiration and passion may just fail (i.e. going to med school in Ireland).

 

I know. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself anymore, but the hard part has been my lost sense of direction, of rejection and things telling me what not to do.

[jonsnuh]

hi jonsnuh,

 

it's good to re-evaluate your childhood dreams

 

& slap them with a healthy dose of reality.

 

i mean really, how great was your grasp of the world

when you came up with these brilliant 'plans'?

 

there are a few bumps like this in the twenties.

 

by thirties, we begin to learn how to ride them out

& roll with reality, even with some grace if we

respect the wisdom of humility.

 

resistance is futile. what one resists, persists.

 

j

 

Thanks of your reply. I did try to cultivate a passion for my major in accounting of an outstanding program. Ended up working two terms at an accounting firm that provided me with accredited training, but I could never see myself working those long hours, while slave driving a team of dedicated people. It might have just been the culture of the specific firms I had worked in.

 

I know I also won't get very far in this field. I ended up studying something else that allowed me to delve into research, but there isn't any future unless I go into grad school. Getting into a brand name grad school is essential to getting a decent living, and as much as I like research my marks will likely never get me there. (Maybe I'm just being pessimistic).

 

I was always the perfectionist and my hardest critic. I fell into a slump first year when I had done poorly and all my academic plans came crash down. I had always thought of going into medical school, but I was courageous (and at this point, stupid) to persist in a program that I thought leaving would have meant to have been a terrible mistake. I should have left, switched to another program in the sciences and sought to get into medical school.

 

Now I'm approaching, pretty broke, broken, bitter, and a bit wiser than I was what seems like an eternity ago.