What do I do!?

[aero2008]

First of all, thank you for reading this, and I apologize if this gets lengthy. I hope I posted this in the right location, and if not I would appreciate if a mod/admin could move it to the proper location. I am extremely grateful to anyone that takes the time to read this and respond. I am in desperate need of encouragement and advice.

 

Straight to the point: Me and my girlfriend of 3 years have been on rocky ground for a couple months. We had broken up earlier this year, and got back together (see details below). I was under the impression that we had fixed everything. We have been back together officially since August. She says she loves me and still wants me in her life, but that she isn't in love with me and can't bring herself to have sex with me. She says she doesn't love me romantically anymore... but that she doesn't want to hurt me...

 

 

Details:

 

We started dating in December 2010. Everything was amazing, as it always is in the beginning of any relationship. We were both in high school, but I was two grades above her in school. I was her first serious relationship, and she was my first serious relationship. We were each other's first sexual partners, and I'm sure that you can imagine the close bond that we shared. She was everything to me. We shared the same sense of humor, the same interests, similar hobbies, etc. As of right now, she is in her senior year of high school, and I am a sophomore in college. I live an hour and a half away from her, but I make my best effort to see her every week or two, and we also get to see each other over breaks and holidays (we live in the same home town, but I stay at college during the school year). We originally hit some bumpy ground when I first went to college (she thought I was picking my college over her, etc.). We survived my first semester of college, but alas she broke up with me in February 2013, during my second semester of freshman year in college.

 

I was absolutely devastated when we broke up the first time. It was our 2 years and 2 months when she broke up with me, and it caught me completely off guard. I was a mess. A complete wreck. The next couple months of my life were some of the roughest months I had ever endured. She was the only girl I had eyes for and she completely broke my heart. After awhile, I decided it would be better to go no contact to save myself from any unnecessary pain. I didn't know that it was possible to hurt that much. After a couple weeks of no contact, living my life as normal, she contacted me, telling me how sorry she was, and begging me to come back into her life. Initially, I was extremely skeptical, which is understandable considering how she completely threw everything we had away. There was no way that I was going to jump immediately back into the relationship. She begged and pleaded with me and promised that she had changed and that she was an idiot for doing what she did. I told her that I wanted to take it slow, and that I had to learn to trust her again. From May 2013 to August 2013, we hung out a lot and rediscovered the close relationship that we shared prior to the breakup. On August 5th, I agreed to date her again, and I thought we were going to leave the past behind us and move on to be even stronger than we were before. She promised that she would never leave me again until I told her to, and that breaking up will never again be an option.

 

Last week, while texting her sexually (playfully), she told me that the thought of having sex with me turns her off and "makes her sick" now. This was very shocking, because we have always shared a great sexual relationship in the past. Upon additional questioning, she told me that she thinks the relationship has run its course, and that she isn't happy being in the relationship. She said she loves me very much, but that she always wants to be friends with me. She then took that back, and said she was sorry, and that she is having a rough week. She apologized and said that she didn't know what was wrong with her. We agreed to go a few days without texting to get our heads together. On Friday (a few days later), we started talking again, and things were seemingly fixed. She seemed eager to see me (I was coming home today, Sunday). She told me that she loves me and can't wait to see me. I took this to mean that things were good and that she was just honestly having a very rough week.

 

It is now Sunday, December 15th, 2013. I arrived home on Christmas break from University today. We had an amazing date tonight. We went out to eat, and she seemed genuinely interested in us and in the relationship. We talked about normal things, about life, shared some laughs, and I thought everything was going fine. I hadn't seen her in about a month due to final exams which were extremely stressful this semester. When we got home from dinner, we cuddled and watched a movie. After the movie, we went into her room and cuddled in there. I tried to initiate sex, but she kind of pushed me away. It's been a long time since we've been physically intimate, so I thought that she would welcome physical intimacy. I sort of forgot about the comment she made over text the other night.

 

She proceeded to tell me that she doesn't think that she can have sex with me anymore. She told me that she loves me but she doesn't love me in a sexual way anymore. She says that she thinks we are holding each other back, and that since she is going to college next year, she wants to have new experiences and be alone for awhile. She told me that she loves me and wants me to remain in her life as a friend. I asked her if she wanted to date other guys. She said not right now, but in the future she probably would. This is so hurtful. Especially after I took her back the first time! She promised me that this would never happen again. I took her back the first time, against the wishes of my family and friends. Me, being the person I am, went against the judgment of my family and friends and gave her the benefit of the doubt by taking her back a second time. Just for this to happen again!? I got pretty angry and upset. I didn't yell at her, but I did throw my phone. I calmed down, and we walked for awhile longer. She said she feels so bad about this, but that there is a problem if she doesn't even want to have sex with me anymore. She said that she loves spending time with me and doing things with me, but the thought of having sex with me makes her sick now. It's not like I've gained weight or anything. I'm fairly attractive I'd say, and have a pretty decent body, so it's nothing physically that is turning her off. She also got extremely irritated and annoyed at me. I told her that if we break up, I can't remain her friend. I told her that I refuse to be her friend while she dates and f***s other guys. We did not break up tonight. I said that I should leave her house, and she told me that she would talk to me tomorrow, and begged me to talk to her tomorrow and hopefully "we can work something out".

 

Well, that's about it. We haven't officially broken up yet, and I don't want to. I also don't want to be in a sexless relationship with someone that is not romantically in love with me. I deserve better than that. Is there anything that I can do to fix things with her and rekindle those feelings that she once had for me? It seems like I am much more willing to work on the relationship than she is. I can't believe she is pulling the same sh** she pulled the first time we broke up. I feel like I am always giving and giving and she is always taking and taking, and then pushing me away whenever I need or want something from her. I feel like she ignores my wants and needs as long as hers are met. I know that most people would tell me to kick her to the curb and move on, but it's not that easy for me. She was my first love, and I'm not one to give up on love... Ideally I would like to fix the relationship, and for her to rekindle her romantic feelings towards me. At the same time, I understand that I can't make anyone love me. I can't stand the thought of her being happy with a new guy... I don't want to hold onto something that is not going to change, but I don't know how I would let go...

 

ALSO, I'm pretty sure that there is not another guy in the picture. She has always remained faithful to me, and her family would tell me if there was someone else (I am very close to her family, which is another reason I don't want us to end).

 

What do I do?

Edited December 16, 2013 by aero2008

[skydiveaddict]

 

What do I do?

 

Tell her to

Edited December 16, 2013 by skydiveaddict

[aero2008]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yH7DC8kjU0"]get a life[/url]

 

So you're saying I should leave her and not look back?...

[skydiveaddict]

So you're saying I should leave her and not look back?...

 

Yes............

[aero2008]

Yes............

 

Easier said than done though. Is there any way to make it easier? Thanks for the reply btw.

[skydiveaddict]

Easier said than done though. Is there any way to make it easier?

 

No, there is no easy way. You must do it and then gut it out.

[Grumpybutfun]

aero:

The hard thing about your situation is that it really isn't in your hands. Easier or harder doesn't really matter because it is what has to be done since she is not into you anymore. Painful? Yes, it is painful but do not let this destroy you or you won't find the real partner who will love you and treat you with respect.

 

She is the one who isn't in love with you and can't have a intimate/romantic relationship with you. She is so unattached from you that she wants to be friends, but since you have already been intimate/romantic that isn't going to be healthy for you. You need to go NC and try to heal from her being wishy washy. Someone here who has them can give you the NC guidelines as I have read them and they seem to be very straightforward.

Good luck,

Grumps

[aero2008]

aero:

You need to go NC and try to heal from her being wishy washy. Someone here who has them can give you the NC guidelines as I have read them and they seem to be very straightforward.

Grumps

 

You hit the nail on the head. She's wishy washy. It's so hard to read exactly what she wants. But she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to have an intimate relationship with me right now. Pretty hurtful and pretty hard to take but there's no benefit in denying the truth. She's treated me poorly for awhile, but part of me just can't let her go. I know I deserve better than this.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[headinthecloud]

Aero, I'm so sorry you're going through this. The worst feeling in the world is unreciprocated love.

 

First, understand that this is not your fault. When someone falls out of love with you it is their issue, not yours. So it's critical that you don't let this affect your self-esteem. She does not define your lovableness. You do. And you are very loveable. In fact, there any many women out there who will love you just as you are. You MUST remember that.

 

Second, the relationship is over and you cannot be friends. She did BU with you. Anytime your partner tells you that they are "not in love with you" then it's over. No question about it. The comment about not finding you attractive, well that's just mean and immature. Don't take this to heart because there are lots of women who would find you attractive. So reject this statement. It's her opinion, and it's not gospel. So chuck it from your mind.

 

Third, go NC right away. You need time to heal. The only way is to cut all ties. This link helped me: Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide

 

And read Barky2's post on the broken hearted. Some good advice. Also, in the coping section, check out the pinned No Contact thread. It's a good start.

 

You seem like a decent, respectful guy. Because you feel like you didn't officially BU last night then I think it would be ok to email or text her that in order for you to move on you need to be alone to heal and that you cannot contact her for any reason. Tell her that you can't be friends because you are in love with her and you have to let her go. (Some people may disagree with this but I prefer to be clear rather than just go zero silence with no explaination when you obviously communicate well). Keep it very short and to the point.

 

Then start healing. It will take months so be gentle with yourself. Start working on you and creating the life you've always wanted. You are the most important thing right now, no one else. We are here for you so post as often as you need. It's a rocky emotional rollercoaster but it does pass, I promise. And in time youll be a better person for it. Be strong. Move on. Choose you.

[skydiveaddict]

aero:

You need to go NC and try to heal from her being wishy washy.

 

Yea, good luck w/that. I've never seen anyone "healed" of their human nature.

[notthathard]

 

She says she loves me and still wants me in her life, but that she isn't in love with me and can't bring herself to have sex with me. She says she doesn't love me romantically anymore... but that she doesn't want to hurt me...

...

Last week, while texting her sexually (playfully), she told me that the thought of having sex with me turns her off and "makes her sick" now. This was very shocking, because we have always shared a great sexual relationship in the past. Upon additional questioning, she told me that she thinks the relationship has run its course, and that she isn't happy being in the relationship. She said she loves me very much, but that she always wants to be friends with me. She then took that back, and said she was sorry, and that she is having a rough week.

...

She told me that she loves me and can't wait to see me. I took this to mean that things were good and that she was just honestly having a very rough week.

...

She proceeded to tell me that she doesn't think that she can have sex with me anymore. She told me that she loves me but she doesn't love me in a sexual way anymore. She says that she thinks we are holding each other back, and that since she is going to college next year, she wants to have new experiences and be alone for awhile. She told me that she loves me and wants me to remain in her life as a friend. I asked her if she wanted to date other guys.

 

What do I do?

 

 

I didn't read the whole thing, but its pretty clear that its over from what I saw above.

 

There are reasons why she has lost attraction to you. Don't try to find these out, she will not tell you. You need to find these reasons for yourself and work on them for future relationships.

Think about how you treated her, spoke to her etc. It will take a few months to find out where you went wrong but the reasons are there. People don't just lose attraction for no reason unless they found someone else, but it doesn't sound like that in your case.

[aero2008]

This is so hard. I think of all the amazing times we've had together. This is just so painful and I don't know what to do. I'm hurting so bad right now. She wants me in her life but she doesn't want to date me. I can't deal with that. Im in so much pain and I don't even know what to do with myself.

[TanTry]

You are not alone in the pain

 

I feel it too...

 

It gets easier though day by day

 

Just remember that you need to put yourself first, you only get one life dont let her ruin it for you

[aero2008]

You are not alone in the pain

 

I feel it too...

 

It gets easier though day by day

 

Just remember that you need to put yourself first, you only get one life dont let her ruin it for you

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I'm also trying to keep myself occupied by doing other things that I enjoy. She sent me a text earlier, and I haven't replied to it. It was nothing substantial, just "I feel sick", and I guess she might be trying to gauge my reaction or something?

 

I'm not interested in remaining friends with someone that has made me feel this way. It's the hardest whenever I'm alone and I start remembering all the good times. I wish we could have back the love that we once had but I know that probably won't happen :\

 

I'm doing my best..

[Real36]

So sorry for you aero. I know the feeling. It hurts but you've got to let it go for your own sanity. Instead of thinking of the good times when you are lonely try thinking of the bad times instead. I made a list of all of the lies I have uncovered since my horrible break up. It helps sometimes.

[legion113]

I think the best way to get over those great times with her, is to realize that THAT person is gone. She isn't that person anymore, the one you fell in love with, the one that loved you for you, that one that was willing to accept you unconditionally. She isn't coming back either. The person in front of you now is NOT that person, it's like a complete stranger. This one belittles you, says harmful things to you, and really couldn't care less about your feelings.

 

Mourn the passing of the girl you loved, she's gone, but dump the stranger.

[aero2008]

I think the best way to get over those great times with her, is to realize that THAT person is gone. She isn't that person anymore, the one you fell in love with, the one that loved you for you, that one that was willing to accept you unconditionally. She isn't coming back either. The person in front of you now is NOT that person, it's like a complete stranger. This one belittles you, says harmful things to you, and really couldn't care less about your feelings.

 

Mourn the passing of the girl you loved, she's gone, but dump the stranger.

 

While that's comforting in some respects, it makes it even more hurtful in other respects. Knowing that the girl I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore.. I would do anything to get that girl back. You feel certain that she won't come back?

 

Thanks for the reply. Everyone deserves to have someone that will love them unconditionally. I know that she isn't the one for me if she can't.

[legion113]

While that's comforting in some respects, it makes it even more hurtful in other respects. Knowing that the girl I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore.. I would do anything to get that girl back. You feel certain that she won't come back?

 

Thanks for the reply. Everyone deserves to have someone that will love them unconditionally. I know that she isn't the one for me if she can't.

 

Well let me ask you this...Do YOU think that girl still exists? She either does or doesn't, and from what you've told me, right now she doesn't. Nothing you do or say will make that girl come back. You had the benefit of a second chance, something most of us on this board didn't, and the results were exactly the same. There IS a girl like that and better still out there for you, waiting for you as we speak as a matter of fact. Go find her.

[aero2008]

This is the best advice on this thread. You can try and get over her, try and wrap your head around the fact that she doesn't love you in a sexual way anymore, etc., but...

 

That person saying all of those things is not the person you want to be with. Think about it. If she said "the idea of having sex with you makes me sick" before you first went out, would you ever have 1) gone out with her 2) forgiven her for saying that? Cause that's pretty mean!

 

Or imagine a new girl - if SHE said that to you would you even look her way?

 

Nope.

 

Also, and I might be speculating here, but if you always enjoyed a good sexual relationship in the past, maybe what she's describing is just boredom. Or maybe she needed more time to mourn your initial breakup before jumping back into it. It doesn't sound like you guys ever went no contact, and usually no contact is what it takes to get the other person to yearn for that physical contact once again. If you were always around, always seeing her, even as friends, she had no chance to miss anything about you. Maybe that has contributed here, and when she says she isn't attracted to you it just means she didn't have enough time to rekindle the fire. You may have jumped back into it too soon.

 

Keep in mind for future relationships that just because someone calls you up three weeks after no contact, it doesn't mean they are ready. And "easing into it" is not a good plan of attack. What you should probably have done is gotten over each other completely, given it several months of not seeing each other, and THEN met up if you were still interested in reconnecting. I'll bet, had you done that, and maybe changed up your look a bit that it would be like meeting a sexy new stranger for the first time and she would have been all over you, lol.

 

All things given, she's a mess. You stuck by her through college for almost two semesters, and she caves before she even leaves. Not a good sign for things to come.

 

I say dump her, go NC permanently, etc. If there's ever going to be a chance of reconnect years down the road, that is how you have to do it. Also, consider the fact that relationships when you're young frequently don't last a lifetime because people change so much. So chalk it up to experience, and go find yourself someone who knows who she is and what she wants.

 

 

Best of luck!

Caitlin

 

Thanks for much for the reply Caitlin!

 

You're right, if any other girl said something like that to me, I wouldn't even waste my time. She has been mean and cruel to me, and all my friends and family members have taken notice, and have strongly urged me to DUMP her and move on. My friends and family say that I'm worth much more than that, and that I'm way more valuable than the way she's treating me. I just don't know how to move on... I wake up in the morning wishing and hoping that we were still together. I can't stop thinking of her, and it hurts to know that she is not thinking of me the same way. It's also Christmas break for me, and I had looked forward to spending it with her, just like we have for the past 3 Christmases. This is probably going to ruin my Christmas break... I'm just so sad and heartbroken.

 

I hate that I'm so attached to her. I actually goofed and texted her today, because I felt that I needed more clarification about what led to the breakup. She said she wants to be friends with me, but that's it. I can't handle that. That's so hurtful. She told me that she still wants me to come over on Christmas... should I?... I'm so desperate to have her back in my life as the person she once was... but I know that I need to wake up and face reality... Reality sucks. I just wish that she was willing to work to mend and repair the relationship the same way that I am. What makes it harder is that I'm close to her family... her mom told me "I'm sure it will all work out just lay low for a couple days". I don't really know what she meant by that.

 

We did go no contact after our initial breakup, but I would always screw it up by occasionally texting her. Finally, after I stopped texting her and went actual no contact, she texted me within about a week or two, saying she wanted me back, needed me back, she was so sorry for what she did, etc. As you could read from the initial post, I was reluctant to get back with her, but I did after a few months.

 

I know that the girl I initially fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. I would give anything for her to exist again though I feel like this failed relationship is the result of something I've done, and if I could have just loved her more, came to see her more, done something else more that I didn't do enough, then we would still be together now. I have so much to give to her, and I wish she would see that. I just want her back...

 

I also worry about the possibility that I might not be able to find someone else... I know this is unrealistic, but it's been so long since I've been single that I've kinda forgotten how all this works.

 

Once again, thanks for the reply!

[legion113]

Ok Aero I'm going to help you out here, only because I think I know what you are going thru. I read something about women with borderline personality disorder in these blogs, and it rung a bell with me. I was married to one for 4 years, and I just got out of a relationship with one just recently. We got into an argument, and despite the fact that just a day earlier she was telling me how much she loved me and wanted to marry me, have her kids blah blah blah, after the fight I was demonized and made to feel like the most awful man in the world. The amount of venom and rage that spewed from her mouth was jaw dropping, and of course, it was ALL MY FAULT.

I was like "Whoa what the hell just happened here? Is this woman insane?" Actually yeah..she is. Pretty much once a woman with bpd has you, she'll dump you. Believe me, it's really hard to extricate yourself from a person with bpd, when they are in "good mode(splitting white)" you feel like the best thing that's ever happened to them, and they'll tell you as much. When they reach "bad mode(splitting black)" forget it, you are nothing but a dingleberry turd she's going to wipe off pretty soon.

 

Check out the following website, read ALL the articles. I'm sure you will find that it is your ex girlfriend.

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

 

Good luck.

[legion113]

"That person saying all of those things is not the person you want to be with. Think about it. If she said "the idea of having sex with you makes me sick" before you first went out, would you ever have 1) gone out with her 2) forgiven her for saying that? Cause that's pretty mean!"

 

I don't know, if she was pretty hot I'd whip out my barf bag and exclaim "Got you covered there babe! By the way, you don't get to be on top.."

[aero2008]

So yeah guys, I haven't been on here in a day or so but here's what has happened since: she texted me and we talked a little bit and basically she says she just wants to be friends right now but she still wants me in her life. I want to know how I can make her fall in love with me again. I don't want to seem desperate to her, and I haven't texted her since we had our text conversation two days ago. I asked her "so you never want to be with me again?" and she said "I'm not sure". I also got to looking at some pictures of us from a few months ago and even then we seemed so right for each other. I just don't know what to think or do.

 

I really want her back, but I don't want to let her string me along either. I don't wan to seem weak to her. I want to be strong and show her that I can be happy without her, but I also want her back. I know that we can work out any issues that we might have if she would give us the chance.

 

Also: she wants to go see a movie with me tonight (as friends I believe), and I'm not sure if I should go. This is the sequel to a movie we both enjoyed as a couple and we have many fond memories of seeing the original together. I'm wondering if seeing it with her will cause any remaining emotions she has for me to resurface in her. Also, she wants me to come over on Christmas Day to hang our with her and her family..

 

I don't want to end up in the friend zone though. I don't want to JUST be her friend indefinitely, but I also don't want to pass up any opportunities that I may have at rekindling the romance. So... What do I do in these situations?

 

Thanks guys!

Edited December 19, 2013 by aero2008

[aero2008]

Check out the following website, read ALL the articles. I'm sure you will find that it is your ex girlfriend.

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the reply legion!

 

I appreciate the advice and I am so sorry that you had to go through that! My mother is actually bipolar so I know all about what that can be like. However, I don't think that is what my ex is. While she has exhibited some of those traits from time to time, I don't think this fits her accurately overall. Regardless, the article was a great read and provided some useful advice, so it is much appreciated. I think my ex is just young and doesn't know exactly what she wants out of life, and I'm being dragged along for the ride as she tries to figure that out? I don't know if that even makes sense hahaha.

 

Anyways, she said that she thinks it would be unfair for us to stay together and that it would be selfish to herself and to me because it wouldn't be "real". I wish I could convince her otherwise. I wish she could just see the potential that we have and can have if she would let us. She tells me she still loves me, but I don't even know what that means from her anymore...

 

Thank you Legion!

[legion113]

If you want her back disappear for a few weeks. She has to FEEL what it's going to be like without you. If you're going to always hang out with her as a friend that's exactly what you'll become. She will never feel the pain of not having you in her life, and there's more of a chance of you screwing up somehow and confirming to her that she made the right choice. Disappear. Besides, do you really want to be there when some guy calls or texts her to hang out while you're "hanging out?"

If she loses interest you in a month you were on your way out anyway.

[aero2008]

Legion,

 

Yeah that's what I was thinking. I'm not going to the movies with her tonight (she hasn't even texted me about it, perhaps she is busy doing something else, or she is waiting on me to text her). I have not texted her since Tuesday, and I plan on not talking to her until she contacts me first. Does this sound reasonable? I also will most likely NOT go to her house on Christmas Day. Would you recommend sending her family a Christmas card or something, or texting her mom merry Christmas or something? Or should I completely disregard Christmas with her family? Also, it goes without saying that I shouldn't buy her a Christmas present, right?

 

So what happens if it goes a month of no contact and she doesn't contact me back? Or what happens when she does contact me? How do I respond when and if she does? I'm trying to be strong and not show her any signs of weakness.

 

Thanks!