How to turn down dumpers when they ask for favors

[strive]

So if your dumper texts you asking for a favor, how do you turn them down and essentially say "NO, go f*ck yourself." Is there a more polite way of saying "sorry, not my problem"?

[d0nnivain]

You can just ignore them.

[stillafool]

So if your dumper texts you asking for a favor, how do you turn them down and essentially say "NO, go f*ck yourself." Is there a more polite way of saying "sorry, not my problem"?

 

The best thing to do is change your number so they can't reach you. This lets them know you really are through with them.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

"Please can you put your request in writing & send it to someone that gives a s**t" or just ignore them x

[Trimmer]

Pilots and air traffic controllers have this great magical word that they use: "unable." Just 3 syllables and it's this concise, powerful concept that everybody immediately understands. If you can't comply with a clearance, if they can't give you the runway you want - anything that just isn't going to happen. When Sullenberger had two flamed-out engines in his Airbus and was trying to figure out where to put it down, ATC offered him that they could get him right back to a particular runway at LaGuardia. All he had to do was key his mike and say "Unable..." and it ended that discussion, and he could get right back to work, and everybody knew that particular solution just wasn't going to happen.

 

We need a concept like that in ex-relationship situations. Something simple and quick.

 

"Hey, can you do this favor for me?"

 

"Sorry, unable."

[Softie]

Negative attention is still attention - ignore it your being the bigger person by doing so. Although I know it's easier said than done!

[TaraMaiden]

send this image.

 

Says it all.

[strive]

Thanks all, as much as I'd like to block, change number or ignore, I can't because we have a child together. And I don't want to be nasty because it affects my mood the rest of the day. But yeah, I hope we have something short and neutral like what Trimmer said. lol

[Trimmer]

Thanks all, as much as I'd like to block, change number or ignore, I can't because we have a child together.

Now that changes everything! That's my situation, too, and while my life would probably be quite complete if I drifted away and never saw her again, we are still a "family" since we have the children (Family version 2.0, I call it...). So it's a little more tricky to navigate sometimes.

 

So yeah, the "go f*** yourself" is definitely not a good idea. Everything you do becomes a part of the parental relationship going forward, and you don't want to do anything that (a) makes your own navigation of that parental relationship harder in the future, or (b) makes it any more uncomfortable for your kid to deal with a frosty dynamic between the parents.

 

Having said that, you do deserve to have reasonable boundaries though; when I need to enforce that, I try to concentrate on doing things that are parental in nature, but not "spouse", "friend", or "ex" kinds of things. So a favor to pick up the kids or something? I'll always do that if it's at all possible, because I think of doing it for the kids, not so much "for her." A favor to come re-wire a light switch? Sometimes I'm fine with it to be a helpful guy (especially if the kids are around at the time), but if I'm not feeling it, then I just can't do that this time.

 

We actually have been able to talk about that just a little bit. Previously, we'd been spending some holidays together, and I had been welcomed and included with her whole extended family, and at some point she mustered up the courage to say, hey, this is kinda hard for me, would it be OK if we didn't do this? And that was cool with me - I figure if I'm going to have boundaries, I'll respect hers as well, so it was useful to have just that short talk about it, open and honest. Better to know than to wonder.

 

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I do empathize with your position, having a child in the mix and all. Is your parental relationship generally stable and more-or-less healthy, and this is just a bit of a boundary adjustment, or is it kinda weird and all over the place?

Edited December 16, 2013 by Trimmer

[todreaminblue]

why would you say no to a favor?

[Trimmer]

why would you say no to a favor?

It depends on what it is. If it's something an ex could do for oneself, or if they are maintaining a dependence on you by asking you to do it, then that might not be a preferable part of your "ex-spouse" dynamic moving forward.

 

If it's once in a while, or something that I am uniquely capable of, I tend to say "yes". But if she were to just always depend on me when the garbage disposal gets stuck, and wants me to take care of it as a "favor" because she can't learn how herself, or won't call a plumber or whatever, then that's a dynamic I may not want to encourage.

 

So the word "favor" seems simple, but it's a very broad concept that I can't necessarily answer with a simple "always yes" or "always no."

 

And as I said (or at least implied, I think...) because we have kids in the mix, I tend to lean toward the generous side, for the two reasons I mentioned: to keep our parental relationship as easy, friendly, and smooth as possible, both to benefit me and to benefit our kids.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Trimmer

[todreaminblue]

It depends on what it is. If it's something an ex could do for oneself, or if they are maintaining a dependence on you by asking you to do it, then that might not be a preferable part of your "ex-spouse" dynamic moving forward.

 

If it's once in a while, or something that I am uniquely capable of, I tend to say "yes". But if she were to just always depend on me when the garbage disposal gets stuck, and wants me to take care of it as a "favor" because she can't learn how herself, or won't call a plumber or whatever, then that's a dynamic I may not want to encourage.

 

So the word "favor" seems simple, but it's a very broad concept that I can't necessarily answer with a simple "always yes" or "always no."

 

 

true......i see your point.....

 

 

i try to do favors when asked though...even if trivial...i am into .....the idea of eternalpayback...the idea of if i am nice to soemone even when i dotn have to be.....somehow...god willmake it up to me......and he does...in so many ways...but if it was beyond me i wouldnt but i would find someone who could...yep pushover deb......but i like who i am....so....smilin......i tend to only have friends who appreciate me for me.....deb

[strive]

I think you're in a very healthy relationship with your ex now Trimmer, I'd love to be in your shoes one day. It's still too soon for me, coming up 3 months after a 10 year relationship, so I tend to lean on the cold side right now.

 

The favor is actually him asking if he could give child support at a later date because he has a lot of payables. The thing is, I'm barely making ends meet with what I make so I can't support my kid on my own. He makes five times more than I do, lives with his parents, eats their food, and they even give him gas money. So probably all his bills are from his personal spending (or for his new woman), yet can't provide for his own child's needs.

 

So yeah, my initial reaction was "go f*ck yourself" but for the sake of future parental relationship, I really can't say that.

 

Ugh, why can't I just erase him from our lives?

[Trimmer]

Just ignore them.

 

Honestly, I cannot understand why ignoring is so difficult. It's much easier than confronting someone. It's a piece of cake, compared to confronting someone.

I would totally agree without kids (if we didn't have kids, I would have no desire to "be friends" or have any contact at all, so "favors" would not be encouraged...) but do you you still think so, even with a kid involved?

[Trimmer]

Kids are a bit different, but as long as the conversation centres around them, that's all that needs to be done. As soon as the conversation drifts to something other than kids, shut it down.

Totally agree - in this case though, it's about support for their kid...

 

I think you're in a very healthy relationship with your ex now Trimmer, I'd love to be in your shoes one day. It's still too soon for me, coming up 3 months after a 10 year relationship, so I tend to lean on the cold side right now.

 

The favor is actually him asking if he could give child support at a later date because he has a lot of payables. The thing is, I'm barely making ends meet with what I make so I can't support my kid on my own. He makes five times more than I do, lives with his parents, eats their food, and they even give him gas money. So probably all his bills are from his personal spending (or for his new woman), yet can't provide for his own child's needs.

 

So yeah, my initial reaction was "go f*ck yourself" but for the sake of future parental relationship, I really can't say that.

 

Ugh, why can't I just erase him from our lives?

Yeah, I realize I'm lucky; part of that is my own work, and I have to give fair credit to the woman who dumped me and the mother of our children, as she does her part to keep things smooth and keep a good parental relationship working, in spite of our failed spousal relationship. And I totally realize it is not this "simple" for everyone, especially as recent as it still is for you.

 

Now that I hear it in more detail, it isn't really even a personal "favor" that he's asking of you so much as it is delaying support for his own children. In a way what he's doing is asking your child hey, can you just not need stuff until later in the month? It's not really a "favor" you can grant. And that does sound like it sucks.

 

I suppose all you can tell him is that it's not really a "favor" that you can say yes to; your child has needs that won't wait until later in the month. But I don't know if that will make any difference. And if he doesn't even see that this is a twisted priority on his part, then you really do have a weird situation.

[Raena]

In this case I'd tell him no if it will make your life more difficult. If you really rely on that money and need it earlier in the month then tell him so. If you can get away with it being later then it's still up to you to decide if that's ok with you.

 

I'm not even close to having this sort of relationship with my ex yet but we are working on it.

 

He did, however, ask me if I could pick him up at the airport this Friday when he comes back from his work trip. I told him no. Not to be a jerk but simply because I already have other plans that night. If hadn't had plans, I probably would have done so just so my son could see his dad. He hasn't seen him in 3 weeks because of this work trip. He also asked me to drive him to DMV so he can get his car titled and registered in his name. I said yes to that because I feel like I have to help him with that, it was part of what we agreed to do when we split up. On the other hand... I haven't asked much of him in the way of favors. Mine are more centered on our son and what his needs are... I asked him to make sure he calls often to talk to him, to help me pay the rent he left me stiffed with and to not bring his OW around our child. That's it. I ask nothing else of him... nothing personal, nothing that I couldn't just ask someone else to help me with or figure it out myself. I don't want to rely on him. I've always been a pretty independent woman though anyhow.

[lil hoodlum]

I think you're in a very healthy relationship with your ex now Trimmer, I'd love to be in your shoes one day. It's still too soon for me, coming up 3 months after a 10 year relationship, so I tend to lean on the cold side right now.

 

The favor is actually him asking if he could give child support at a later date because he has a lot of payables. The thing is, I'm barely making ends meet with what I make so I can't support my kid on my own. He makes five times more than I do, lives with his parents, eats their food, and they even give him gas money. So probably all his bills are from his personal spending (or for his new woman), yet can't provide for his own child's needs.

 

So yeah, my initial reaction was "go f*ck yourself" but for the sake of future parental relationship, I really can't say that.

 

Ugh, why can't I just erase him from our lives?

 

 

If he is unable to pay the full amount, he should pay what he can. That is more than fair for him. You and your child should not have to do without because he was/is careless with his "payables".