Why can't I just DO IT? Ending a 30-yr marriage...

[Gym Rat]

Hello everyone. I'm new on here.

 

I'm in a 30 year marriage that stinks. We live like roomates, I'm terribly lonely, and I have fallen in love with someone else (which I do not currently have a relationship with - my choice - but has left me with a totally broken heart). I do everything alone, and while I have lots of friends, I wish I had a man to actually share my life with.

 

My husband is a good guy - he's been a great father and provider and friend to me - but we have lived most of our time together in a sexless relationship and it has killed me a little bit everyday of my life. Two years ago he was treated for prostate cancer, and like nearly all prostate cancer patients, now he is completely out of the game. Not only that, but what little interest he ever had in sex is completely gone (prostate cancer frequently affects libido).

 

I have a lovely home, three wonderful and successful (grown) kids, I am attractive and fit, and I have slept alone every night for the last year and a half.

 

I want to get an apartment and somehow try to start my life over. Trust me, I know it's not going to be fun. In spite of being in therapy for three years I can't seem to get off the dime and do it. I just HATE the thought of hurting him, I hate the thought of leaving my house, and I have some very valid concerns about my future financial stability.

 

I am so unhappy. What's it going to take for me to just LEAVE?

[jm2013]

So you've had an emotional affair on your husband which led you to fall in love with somebody else but are too concerned to leave the house now because you're not financially ready? Did you ever share this information with your husband?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Marriage is a habit. And habits are hard to break, even if they are a bad habit.

 

My parents were married unhappily for more than 40 years. They were not a good match and not in love. Eventually the marriage stopped when my mother died in her early 60ies. And my father must be the happiest widower out there; nobody is bothering him any more for communication, affection, conversation (all the things my mother wanted from him because she wanted a real partner, which for some reason he did not want to be).

I really wish my mother would have divorced my father and I don't really understand why she never did, there was enough money to split up. I think it was because she did not have the courage to break the bad habit.

 

Don't let it come that far. You are still healthy and your children have spread out their wings. Your husband is responsible for his own happiness. It won't be easy and you will feel lonely and insecure. But right now you feel maybe secure but still very lonely.

[Gym Rat]

jm2013: Yes, as a matter of fact I have. He understands how it happened. He feels I will be okay financially. He wants me to stay.

[familygone]

You say he is a good man all around?T o an a extent it sounds like you want to leave because he had cancer and you dont want to leave because of that.Did he do anything before cancer that was real bad?Or how was the sex before? you made it for 30 years,and if it was so bad before why didnt you leave then?

I quess what i am saying dont give up on him because of that or is there more?We had sex up to my divorce and it didnt do any good.She cheated on me and my 7 year. old.[in sickness and health}

[Eggplant]

What about your commitment to your husband?

 

Can your husband not engage in sexual acts with his hands/mouth?

[dumped2013]

This sounds exactly like what my EXW did to me 5 months ago minus any kids. Together 20 years. She needed to be alone to figure herself out blah blah blah. She now sounds miserable and I think she misses her old life. Would I take her back? Nope.

[jimloveslips]

Together 20 years. She needed to be alone...Would I take her back? Nope.

 

I guess you showed her!

I've been on both ends of this and I really don't get the hate.

Sure, it hurts like hell, there's anger, betrayal, all that ugly sh*t, but it really doesn't solve anything. You can just throw away 20 years of your life of experiences together? That's something to be really proud of.

 

Back to the OP:

I think your "love interest" and "break-up" is just a crutch to get through this realization you are having.

Seeing as you are already living separate lives what really needs to change?

You need to talk to your husband about you having a life outside the constraints of the marriage - if he's cool with it then you can limit the damage (for both of you, and your family (and if you care about such things, your friends and neighbors)) but if he isn't you need to consider the decision to leave.

You really need to sit down with him and address your unhappiness. You have every right to be happy and fulfilled, despite his illness. But having said that I don't think you need to rip your lives apart.

 

When my married lover decided to go back to her husband, she said something that I thought at the time was cliched and trite, but I now think is absolutely true "if you love me, let me go."

 

(and I am not crying right now, it's very dusty in here)

[dumped2013]

She is the one that dumped me and wanted to be free. I even tried to get her to go to MC and she just wanted to be free.

[jimloveslips]

She is the one that dumped me

 

Yeah, I got that.

 

she just wanted to be free.

 

I haven't seen your story (if it's on here), and I don't like to reply to this on another person's post, but my point was, that after 20 years of marriage, if she asked to come back, your revenge would be to say no - what a victory!

[dumped2013]

There is a story and if you read it you would understand.....

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

My husband is a good guy - he's been a great father and provider and friend to me -

 

I have a lovely home, three wonderful and successful (grown) kids, I am attractive and fit, and I have slept alone every night for the last year and a half.

 

Trust me, I know it's not going to be fun. In spite of being in therapy for three years I can't seem to get off the dime and do it.

 

I just HATE the thought of hurting him, I hate the thought of leaving my house, and I have some very valid concerns about my future financial stability.

 

 

 

So you are basically saying you are using him for a roof over your head, food in your belly, companionship and inertia?

[jimloveslips]

So you are basically saying you are using him for a roof over your head, food in your belly, companionship and inertia?

 

Yes, she said they were married…

 

[oldshirt]

jm2013: Yes, as a matter of fact I have. He understands how it happened. He feels I will be okay financially. He wants me to stay.

 

Sound like he isnt too concerned about your affair either.

 

Would an open marriage be an option for you two untill you finally have this breakthrough moment you've been waiting for?

 

Since neither of you are involved in a sexual/romantic relationship with each other yet both of you seem to want to maintain the status quo of being roommates and both staying in the house and neither of you wants to put forth the effort of splitting up, why not talk about getting your romantic/sexual needs met outside the marriage with his blessing?

 

He may hav some stipulations about being discrete and responsible about it but he may go for it and it's not like you have anything to lose by asking.

[SnapCracklePop]

A relationship is a hard thing to keep healthy when you do not feel desired by the one who is supposed to desire you the most, and when you start to realize this attention from sources outside your marriage... well its both alarming and refreshing. Part of you feels alive and part of you dies.

 

Its a hard thing to come to grips with but you know what you want in life to feel good about yourself. You should not feel guilty for wanting to feel loved and desired. The problem here is that its your husband who is not / cannot fulfill this need.

 

You are feeling guilty about wanting to leave, and feeling that you will be responsible for what comes of his life after the relationship ends. And because of that you are torn in your decision.

 

I'd recommend not pursuing this external interest while you are still "in this" as it will only cloud your judgement. If you can't make a decision, then perhaps you would benefit from individual counselling as it will help you dig deep and determine what you are really wanting. Maybe your DH can have some counselling on how to be in a relationship after prostate cancer. I am sure that others have had the same issue, but for sure libido issues are not rare out there.

 

Do what you can first so that if you do have to leave, you can leave without guilt. I think this is what may be preventing you from doing so at this time.

[pteromom]

Since neither of you are involved in a sexual/romantic relationship with each other yet both of you seem to want to maintain the status quo of being roommates and both staying in the house and neither of you wants to put forth the effort of splitting up, why not talk about getting your romantic/sexual needs met outside the marriage with his blessing?

 

 

This is what I was going to say as well. Sounds like he can't have sex, and isn't interested in doing what he can, so why not give you his blessing to go have sex elsewhere?

[beach]

Why aren't you two sleeping in the same bed? Cuddling? Other forms of sex and intimacy?

 

Why did you start counseling 3 years ago? That was well before the cancer was diagnosed?

 

Were you solidly working through other issues 3 years ago or just chatting with the counselor about concerns?

 

How motivated is your husband to change how he participates? Would you consider staying if you two could change things?

 

 

Did you have sex with your other love interest?

[Sparta]

What I love this a second she hears something she doesn't want to hear, they disappear it's funny they came on here. People just don't have integrity like they used to.