Insecurity in relationships

[WrinkledForehead]

I've been a woman burned by love throughout my life. Because of this I need regular reassurance and validation from my partner. The way our R began (as an affair: I was OW for 6 months and we've been together with no A dynamic for almost three months) helped contribute to these regular feelings of rejection, me withdrawing from the Relationship sometimes, and occasionally being insecure with my partner status.

 

Let me state that my partner is amazing. He is aware of my past and has been open to listening to how my past has impacted me so greatly. I am usually able to self evaluate and communicate why and how I feel, what I believe I can do to change negative emotions, what I would like to receive from him as a partner, and the progress I've made. We had a very open, honest, and clear conversation yesterday which addressed our current mindsets and points of conflict. He is in IC and evaluating himself and the reasons he had an A, and working on changing his behaviors to ensure he's not carrying them into our R.

 

He thinks there is a tie in between my current feelings and my childhood. He believes the physical and emotional abuse I experienced led to me needing the regular validation.

 

Basically, I'm aware of my problems, have a few understandings of why I've allowed myself to be regularly hurt by men, and am working to gain better knowledge of myself. I'm working on my self growth.

 

My breakdowns are awful. Every few weeks my emotional build up regarding my insecurities lets loose and I dissolve into this very introverted woman who cries and is very emotionally driven, which causes me to lose sight of the logical reality. I struggle a bit with feeling inferior to his ex, even though there is no reason for me to feel this way.

 

I have always had great fears in regards to being left by a partner. This is a chronic worry. My every day relationships with coworkers, peers, and friends and family are fine. For the most part, I am independent and posses confidence. It is in romantic relationships that my insecurities come out full force.

 

I'm not sure if I need therapy. I would like to work on implementing new behavioral techniques.

 

Any insight?

Edited December 16, 2013 by WrinkledForehead

[mammasita]

I struggle with insecurity in my relationships also. Not quite to the extent that I breakdown as you describe but I find myself filled with doubts often.

 

Do you think that maybe seeking a relationship with a man that was already involved/not 100% available to you could be a "symptom" or "side effect" of your insecurities?

 

I do think that therapy can help immensely though. Definitely talk to someone about how you feel.

[d0nnivain]

If you suffered abuse as a child you need therapy. Get some. You will feel world's better.

[WrinkledForehead]

I struggle with insecurity in my relationships also. Not quite to the extent that I breakdown as you describe but I find myself filled with doubts often.

 

Do you think that maybe seeking a relationship with a man that was already involved/not 100% available to you could be a "symptom" or "side effect" of your insecurities?

 

I do think that therapy can help immensely though. Definitely talk to someone about how you feel.

 

That's generally a consideration (insecurity creates poor relationships), no? Reflecting on it, it seems to be something I developed in the last two years, when I started dating again after I left the father of my children. I gave myself almost 2 years to heal from that relationship before I even thought of dating.

 

Yeah, I'll probably call someone. I've been mulling everything around and therapy's been a thought of mine for several months.

[todreaminblue]

i have developed strategies.........through talk therapy i have adopted practices that help me.........colors....helpp me....i dress in colors to express my mood if i cant say it.........so if i am blue...i wear blue........if i am feelign hyper i wear red ....rainbow and yellow mean i feel inspired.....i cant express how i feel through words .......said...

 

 

green and i am in love........lol...stupid huh

 

 

poetry is another outlet........dancing another........art........and loving someone or soemthing all positives when i feel negative......deb

[regine_phalange]

I'm also kind of insecure...

 

I need to feel to my bones that the oher person wants me and only me.

 

At the same time, I can't hint anything about this need, because then I will be scared that he is expressive because he has to convince me and not because he feels it.

 

Sometimes I come in such a deadlock that I end up dumping people. Always, always my pattern. I'm not sure if it's my gut making a correct decision or my stupidity. At least I don't have any regrets for moving on every time.

[todreaminblue]

I'm also kind of insecure...

 

I need to feel to my bones that the oher person wants me and only me.

 

At the same time, I can't hint anything about this need, because then I will be scared that he is expressive because he has to convince me and not because he feels it.

 

Sometimes I come in such a deadlock that I end up dumping people. Always, always my pattern. I'm not sure if it's my gut making a correct decision or my stupidity. At least I don't have any regrets for moving on every time.

 

 

do you feel you can love like that...bone deep....or is that what you are scared of allowing yourself to feel that deep love....not necessarily what you are thinking of for th eother person to feel but what you allow yourself to feel ........deb

[regine_phalange]

do you feel you can love like that...bone deep....or is that what you are scared of allowing yourself to feel that deep love....not necessarily what you are thinking of for th eother person to feel but what you allow yourself to feel ........deb

 

I guess until now I only had crushes, falling in lust. Very intense... Obsessive, and too much of everything (with a cool demeanor). Almost always, I've had bad timing in relationships. At first I'm the one getting crazy. But it always ends with the men being crazy and obsessed with me. In the end I am walking away because I don't have more patience, have a feeling at the pit of my stomach that this person is not for me, just want to be free and move on... I mean, if it doesn't last for life it wasnt truly in love I guess. I don't know, I also feel the "timing" factor very important, on the other hand so many coincidences in a row since the beginning of my love life (5/5)? Just realized I have a lot of self reflection to do about this matter.