Is it possible for a MM to tell the OW he loves her but actually doesn't?

[StillHurtin]

For me, I can't tell someone I love them if I don't. I can't write someone a letter and tell them I love them if I don't.

 

My H wrote many love poems and a letter to the OW while we were seperated and he was seeing her. He told her in a few poems and letters he loved her. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her. He wanted to share his life w/ him, his (our children) w/ her. Reading those words hurt more than the actual A did. All I could do was cry reading them. It hurt so much. How could he say those words to her, of all ppl, her!?!? I got the letters and poems from the OW's H. He made copies for me.

 

When I went to counseling after H and I decided to work on the M (still seperated) the counselor told me it's possible that he thought he was in love w/ her, but deep down he wasn't. He asked me if I ever thought I was in love w/ someone but really wasn't. I have never told a man I loved them if I really didn't. I am not one to lie about my feelings or tell someone I love them b/c maybe that is what they want to hear. That is just me.

 

Yes, it does hurt to this day to think he was telling her all these things, telling her he loved her, wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her, ect. I thought I would be the last one he would tell these things too.

 

As I was going through and deleting emails the other day I noticed that he sent a poem to his mom. He said he wrote to me last year. When I read it I realized it was a poem to the OW (I have copies of it. He must of made some poems on the computer to her while we were still 2gether and printed them off and gave them to her). It pisses me off that he forgot that this poem was to the OW and sends it to his mom stating it was to me. He can be forgetful, but I didn't think he could be that forgetful.

 

Do you think a MM can write letters, poems, to the OW saying how much he loves her and really not mean it? Maybe it wasn't love but something else. Maybe he was trying to find something in her he lost w/ me???? I would like to think my counselor was right.

[Barby]

To be honest the only one who could probably HONESTLY (if he WOULD be honest) is your husband. ANYONE can say ANYTHING they want to say to whoever they want to say it to even if they don't mean it. BUT that's not to say he did or didn't mean the words he wrote. Maybe he felt in love with her at the time, maybe he loved her for real, maybe he was just snowballed by the nookie...who knows..only he actually knows what's in his heart!

 

 

I thought from your response on another thread that you two had reconciled...?!

 

Guess I was wrong...anyway I'm sorry for your pain and does it seem you two will be getting back together or is that something he doesn't want or..?

[SummerRae]

Stillhurting, hun, I'm soo sorry for your pain. As an OW (who didn't know she was an OW until a ways down the road), hearing your pain, pains me too!

 

As the OW, I wondered if he could love two people. Perhaps it is possible. One never knows. I think these MM are soo confused. Sooo utterly confused that they need the reassurance of TWO women's love.

 

I know I am only capable of loving ONE person at a time, but for some, it is more.

 

I have heard many theories about Love and how people can love different people for different reasons. In a marriage, we would all hope that it would be monogamous, but sometimes there are men/women who do not feel the same way.

 

Whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT let his possible feelings for her discount or diminish the love he obviously has for you. He married YOU. He must have married you for a reason!

 

I am not defending him, but I believe what you have is AUTHENTIC. Know that. Why do I know that? Because I really believe that with my MM he did love me, but he also loved his wife. When he was in Iraq, on the brink of danger, he admitted to only having loved his Jane Doe and me. (At the time, I didn't know he was referring to his wife!) I believe that I was his "fantasy", his unattainable fantasy that would NEVER materialize. He could create an image of me that he wanted and it would be untarnished by anything, because he could never be with me on an ongoing basis.

 

Whereas with his wife, it was REAL love, not fantasy, not projection, REAL LOVE that grows, changes, and finally transforms over time. REAL love is staying committed with someone over an extended period of time, seeing someone at their worst and staying with them through thick and thin.

 

I am reminded of this story a friend told me about his father who many years ago was having an affair with his secretary. One day, he returned home to tell his wife that he was leaving her for his receptionist. And guess what she said: "NO, you are NOT. You go tell your secretary that you are staying put in this house until the youngest turns 20 and has left home." And guess what? He obliged! And 30-some odd years later, they were more in Love than ever. That is TRUE love. Maybe not made-for-TV love, but TRUE COMMITTED LOVE.

 

Please have faith. You will heal. For however many bad stories of betrayal, there are just as many happy ending ones.

[Owl]

Take a look at the book "The Five Languages of Love"...read the first three chapters. They're short...go stand in Borders or something for a few minutes and look at them.

 

There is one chapter that talks about the difference between "love" and being "in love". Love is what you had with your husband. The "in love" feelings that he had with her are totally different. They're transitory...they don't last. It's not the same thing.

 

And remember this too...he was compartmentalizing his life. When he was with you, he was with you, and he focused on you. (not as well as he could have...I know, I'm a BS myself) And when he was with her, he focused on her and acted like you weren't part of the picture.

 

Now that she's gone...his full attention should be on you. If you think its not, you need to let him know that pronto. I know how hard it is to get over what happened...and it will take time and work to do so. Good luck, and hang in there.

[tattoomytoe]

Is it possible for a MM to tell the OW he loves her but actually doesn't?

 

no way! MM never lie, they are saints!

[whichwayisup]

I think maybe he 'confused' that crushy, new excited feeling with 'in love'. He may have deeply cared for her, maybe even loved her but not 'inlove'...He probably transferred his feelings from you to her.

 

It is possible too that he really didn't love her after all, and at the time he did. Each love is different and noone can replace anybody else.

 

Just my thoughts on this one.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl

There is one chapter that talks about the difference between "love" and being "in love". Love is what you had with your husband. The "in love" feelings that he had with her are totally different.

 

Holy crap, I agree with Owl again. What's happening?? {Room is spinning...}

 

They're transitory...they don't last. It's not the same thing.

 

 

Ah Ha! I knew there was something I disagreed with.

That "in love" feeling is not necessarily transitory, and it does last between some people. I'm sure you know of grandparents and old couples who are still just as much "in love" as they were 20-30-40 years ago.

 

That said, LOVE-LOVE is the glue of a relationship. Because he compartmentalized his relationship with her, she wasn't a REAL part of HIS life. She wasn't there to share his daily life, be with the kids, go on vacation, worry about finances, share in family tragedies, etc. (or was she, I don't know?). These experiences are what LOVE-LOVE is all about. LOVE-LOVE grows from really, truly knowing someone and being with them through everything. Assuming you and your husband have been together years and years and have endured ups and downs, then that's what YOUR relationship with your husband is made out of, not hers.

 

But then again, the "in love" feeling sometimes feels deeper and more intense than the love-love. It's the intensity of his emotions that caused him to write the letters and poems and declare his love for her. It's a rush of emotion, the high from the top of the rollercoaster, it's blinding...when "in love," nothing else matters, even the LOVE-LOVE. Being in love is the worst thing ever really. Have you seen "Love Actually"?? Remember the scene where Liam Neeson's (sp?) step-son says something like "Can you imagine anything worse than the totally agony of being in love?" It's painful, really.

 

Now, which "love" does/did your husband feel for OW? Only he knows. I wouldn't rely on your therapist to tell you what H is thinking... Talk to him about it. If his feelings for her have waned at all, it wasn't LOVE-LOVE, that's for sure.

[Owl]

Uhhh.....world...not right. Must....be...going crazy. Find myself.....agreeing with KMT's post too!

 

KMT- I do agree with your definitions...and how you described "LOVE-LOVE" is right on. It's what my wife and I had before her affair happened....and what we've re-found since. KNOWING the person you're with...

 

What I call "in-love" is what you feel when the relationship begins. It's the excitement, fear, "love", lust, etc that you feel for something new. Powerful??? HELL YEAH!!!

 

And yes, parts of that absolutely are sustainable over the years, so I agree that someone's grandparents can be just as "in love" today as they were back then.

 

But it's not always the case. As far as what happened in StillHurtin's case, I think what you're saying about the difference's in his feelings for his wife and the OM sound dead on the money.

 

OK KMT...time for us to find something to disagree majorly with so that we know the world is back to normal!!

[SoleMate]

Is it possible for a MM to tell the OW he loves her but actually doesn't?

It's not only possible, it's REQUIRED.

 

I'm such a broken record, but when WORDS and ACTIONS don't agree, look at the actions to know the truth. Following this simple rule would prevent 80-90% of the problems we see on Loveshack.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by SoleMate

It's not only possible, it's REQUIRED.

 

I'm such a broken record, but when WORDS and ACTIONS don't agree, look at the actions to know the truth. Following this simple rule would prevent 80-90% of the problems we see on Loveshack.

 

AMEN! Thanks for being a "broken record" cause now I have a new RULE of thumb to be LIVED BY!

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Barby

 

I thought from your response on another thread that you two had reconciled...?!

 

Guess I was wrong...anyway I'm sorry for your pain and does it seem you two will be getting back together or is that something he doesn't want or..?

 

Barby, your not wrong, H and I have reconciled. We were seperatated until November a year ago. We seperated for about 6 months. We got back 2gether in June 2003. It has been almost 2 years since the A. It doesn't seem that long ago though. I guess what brought me to post this thread was when I found that poem and he emailed it to his mom. Ya never would think my H is the type of guy to write poems. He is 6'4 and 250, a big guy, lol. He doesn't look like a guy who would write poems.

 

Anyhoo, thank you all for replying to my thread. You all have made some great points about love. I think H was in that crushy, high school kind of love. If he truely did love the OW I don't think he would of dumped her so soon (we were seperated 3 months during their A when he broke it off w/ her) or at all, would he?

 

Quote from KMT:

"That said, LOVE-LOVE is the glue of a relationship. Because he compartmentalized his relationship with her, she wasn't a REAL part of HIS life. She wasn't there to share his daily life, be with the kids, go on vacation, worry about finances, share in family tragedies, etc. (or was she, I don't know?)"

 

No, KMT, she was not. She never met his family, never met his friends besides the ones they worked w/. She was never around our kids (my kids are older, 11 and 9, so they would of told me). She wasn't involved w/ H in any of the things KMT mentioned. The only place that he went out in public w/ her was out of town. He took her out to eat a few times and I am positive someone I knew would of seen them 2gether (small town). He admitted that he was ashamed of what he was doing. He said he was embarrassed. He told me that she went to see him during his lunch break at our home (he moved back in after I moved out of town). He walked her to her car and tried to kiss him, he pulled away. Told her he didn't want anyone seeing them 2gether. He said she got upset. He told her to always park her car in the alley in the driveway. I was close to my neighbors and they never mentioned seeing her car there.

The OW is not the type of woman my H would be involved w/. Hard to explain. We are totally opposite. She is totally different than his last two serious GF's and myself. She wasn't in fashion, didn't wear nice clothes. Not saying there isn't anything wrong w/ that, I'd take a pair of sweatpants and a tshirt any day, but she never wore clothes that were in style and H likes that in a woman. She never did her hair nice, it was always a mess every time I seen her. Just not the typical person H would be w/. She isn't ugly but she isn't all that attractive either. Not to be conceited (b/c I am not) but I am more attractive than she is. Even woman that I did not know that worked w/ them said I was pretty than her and why he was having A w/ her when he had me was stupid of him. Guess it doesn't matter what the OP looks like if they are giving the MM/MW something they weren't getting at home (still no excuse to cheat, IMO). They had nothing in common but baseball. I don't know what they all talked about. He told me a lot about her past (she has a screwed up past). He said he didn't like the way she decorated her house, didn't have a womanly touch to it. He said their was mold all around the bathroom window and he found that disgusting. When she brought him into our home the first time he told me that she hated what I did to the place ( Victorian). He liked how I decorated the house so nice. They went furniture shopping 2gether (out of town, he needed a new couch as I took ours) and he said all the things she picked out he thought was ugly. We always liked the same kind of furniture, cars, ect. I think he realized after all she wasn't me and he missed that. He missed what we had 2gether.

 

Even though it's hard he had an A and a lot ppl said I should of dumped his cheating a$$ I just couldn't do it. I love him, want to grow old w/ him, ect. But I can say, however, if he does this again to me he will be gone! I will not let him do this to me twice. And if he does he wont want to be around my family b/c my dad said he would "beat the **** out of him." (and my dad is a born again Christian, but I doubt he would do it, all talk just to prove how pi$$ed he would be). My brothers and BIL would chase his butt out of town too. He knows if he does it again his life w/ be more screwed up than it was the first time. I wont be such a nice stbxw if he does.

 

Thank you all for all the great advice and kind words you gave me. It has made me feel so much better. Sorry I rambled on so much.

[kkat]

Hi there,

I think your husband made a big mistake, and that he said alot of things that he may or may not have meant, or thought he meant, or whatever. But, I can tell you that he's with the woman he loves, and chooses to be with - you.

My MM absolutely thought he was in love with me, and perhaps he was. I certainly believed that he loved me and was in love with me. Now, I don't have a freakin idea in the world what's true or not. But he always loved his wife - he loved her when he left her, when he lived with me, when he went back to her, when he started our affair again, and today. He loves her. And your husband loves you.

Good luck to you and I am sorry for the pain you have experienced.

[Pocky]

I said a lot of things to my OM that weren't true. I didn't realize it at the time because I was lost in the fantasy world I had created in my head, but looking back the feelings I thought I had weren't real.

[BoatingBabe]

Originally posted by SummerRae

Stillhurting, hun, I'm soo sorry for your pain. As an OW (who didn't know she was an OW until a ways down the road), hearing your pain, pains me too!

 

As the OW, I wondered if he could love two people. Perhaps it is possible. One never knows. I think these MM are soo confused. Sooo utterly confused that they need the reassurance of TWO women's love.

 

I know I am only capable of loving ONE person at a time, but for some, it is more.

 

I have heard many theories about Love and how people can love different people for different reasons. In a marriage, we would all hope that it would be monogamous, but sometimes there are men/women who do not feel the same way.

 

Whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT let his possible feelings for her discount or diminish the love he obviously has for you. He married YOU. He must have married you for a reason!

 

I am not defending him, but I believe what you have is AUTHENTIC. Know that. Why do I know that? Because I really believe that with my MM he did love me, but he also loved his wife. When he was in Iraq, on the brink of danger, he admitted to only having loved his Jane Doe and me. (At the time, I didn't know he was referring to his wife!) I believe that I was his "fantasy", his unattainable fantasy that would NEVER materialize. He could create an image of me that he wanted and it would be untarnished by anything, because he could never be with me on an ongoing basis.

 

Whereas with his wife, it was REAL love, not fantasy, not projection, REAL LOVE that grows, changes, and finally transforms over time. REAL love is staying committed with someone over an extended period of time, seeing someone at their worst and staying with them through thick and thin.

 

I am reminded of this story a friend told me about his father who many years ago was having an affair with his secretary. One day, he returned home to tell his wife that he was leaving her for his receptionist. And guess what she said: "NO, you are NOT. You go tell your secretary that you are staying put in this house until the youngest turns 20 and has left home." And guess what? He obliged! And 30-some odd years later, they were more in Love than ever. That is TRUE love. Maybe not made-for-TV love, but TRUE COMMITTED LOVE.

 

Please have faith. You will heal. For however many bad stories of betrayal, there are just as many happy ending ones.

 

Summer, I applaud you for being so selfless in writing that. Men in my life had always resulted in hurt..both for the wife, and the OW.

[hooghie]

First of all, I'm sorry for your pain. I agree with those who say that it depends on the person- maybe he did love her or THINK that he loved her at some level. I am like you, I would never say it unless I mean it, but I know a lot of people who would. The fact that he put his feelings into poetry, makes me think that at some level- it was love.

 

 

Originally posted by Owl

Take a look at the book "The Five Languages of Love"...read the first three chapters. They're short...go stand in Borders or something for a few minutes and look at them.

 

There is one chapter that talks about the difference between "love" and being "in love". Love is what you had with your husband. The "in love" feelings that he had with her are totally different. They're transitory...they don't last. It's not the same thing.

 

 

 

I don't agree with the above- I haven't read the book, but based on my own experience- being IN LOVE is much stronger than loving someone. I still love my ex, but I am madly in love with my boyfriend AND I love him. To me, love is something shared between any two people- family, friends, etc., but being 'in love' makes your heart race and is more of an unconditional feeling with powerful strength.

 

anyway, my question to you is- why do you and other wives/husbands who have been cheated on want to work things out with your spouse so bad? The person cheated! How can you ever trust him/her again? I just don't get it.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by hooghie

 

 

anyway, my question to you is- why do you and other wives/husbands who have been cheated on want to work things out with your spouse so bad? The person cheated! How can you ever trust him/her again? I just don't get it.

 

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. I'm thrilled that I finally found this site, I just wish I would of when I was actually going through the pain at first.

 

hooghit, to answer your question. I don't agree w/ the A, and H has even mentioned that the A happened while he thought we were going through a divorce. He filed for a D b/c he said he wasn't making me happy and wanted to let me go to find someone else that could. He said he was tired of all the fighting, ect. Now, I didn't realize b4 he filed for the D that he was starting to already write these poems to her (found them on my computer when I moved away and I seen the date they were created. It was a few weeks b4 he filed they were written). Anyhow, I wouldn't of been so upset w/ him having an A w/ the OW IF he wouldn't of came crawling back to me, begging me to take him back, wanting the M to work. My family was trying to set me up w/ an ex BF, thier single friends, some guy that was my brother's customer, and I didn't want anything to do w/ it. Now the guy my brother tried to set me up w/ was HOT but I had no desire, I just wanted my H back. I needed time to get over him. Anyhow, I took him back b/c I loved him, wanted to spend the rest of my life w/ him, I couldn't imagine life w/o him. I always told myself (and H) that if he ever screwed around on me there wouldn't be a second chance, our marriage would be over. I trusted him w/ all my heart when I said that BUT I wanted to make it clear that I would not tolerate it. You never know what you will actually do if your spouse cheats on you until it happens. I have a friend who's H cheated on her w/ a co-worker. She thought her marriage was going good, had no worries of him being involved w/ another woman. She heard that he had been caught kissing the OW at work on break. Then later he admitted to sleeping w/ her. She told me that I should of never taken my H back b/c he slept w/ the OW more than once, wrote her love letters, ect. What gives her the right to tell me I should of never taken him back when the A happened when we both thought the marriage was over but her H had an A and their marriage wasn't over, not that she thought. I told H that I hope the OW was worth thousands of dollars that we had to spend in attorney fees. He told me he didn't spend all that money to get out of the marriage to sleep w/ her. He said he did want out of the marriage and that is why he filed. I guess he realized after our seperation and I moved 100 miles away that he did miss me, that the OW wasn't what he really wanted anymore. I honestly think we should of tried a seperation b4 going for the D. I told him that and he said it wont do any good, counseling wont, and he thought it was just best to let the M go. He was confused after all that. He didn't know what he wanted, his life w/ the OW or me. And the OW just clouded his judgement, and made him even more confused on what he wanted. She thought she was going to win, but she didn't in the end. I ask the same ? you did, why would anyone take a cheating spouse back. I didn't know the answer until it happened to me. Even my dad told me he wouldn't really know what to do if my mom had an A (been married almost 50 years).

[hooghie]

thanks for replying. I guess I can understand that- I have never been in that situation (thankfully) so I guess I don't know for sure what I would do. I DO know it would be REALLY hard for me to get over it and to build a trust back.

Are you sure your H didn't start having the A BEFORE he told you that you guys should separate because he didn't make you happy? Was he already thinking about her at this time?

 

I hope he learned his lesson and things work out for you.

[Owl]

Originally posted by hooghie

First of all, I'm sorry for your pain. I agree with those who say that it depends on the person- maybe he did love her or THINK that he loved her at some level. I am like you, I would never say it unless I mean it, but I know a lot of people who would. The fact that he put his feelings into poetry, makes me think that at some level- it was love.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't agree with the above- I haven't read the book, but based on my own experience- being IN LOVE is much stronger than loving someone. I still love my ex, but I am madly in love with my boyfriend AND I love him. To me, love is something shared between any two people- family, friends, etc., but being 'in love' makes your heart race and is more of an unconditional feeling with powerful strength.

 

anyway, my question to you is- why do you and other wives/husbands who have been cheated on want to work things out with your spouse so bad? The person cheated! How can you ever trust him/her again? I just don't get it.

[Pocky]

anyway, my question to you is- why do you and other wives/husbands who have been cheated on want to work things out with your spouse so bad? The person cheated! How can you ever trust him/her again? I just don't get it.

 

Because sometimes people realize that what they share is too valuable to let go of even when someone makes such an awful mistake.

[Owl]

Hooghie-

My first post didn't take, so let me try again.

anyway, my question to you is- why do you and other wives/husbands who have been cheated on want to work things out with your spouse so bad? The person cheated! How can you ever trust him/her again? I just don't get it.

 

Let me counter your question with a question back to the OW/OM here...why would you want a MM/MW so much? They cheated on their last loves...how could YOU ever trust him/her again? I just don't get it.

 

We've seen both of these questions bandied back and forth here more times than I can count. From the spouses point of view, here's my response from my situation.

 

My wife's situation was a little different, and I know that there are people here who don't feel that it was truly an "affair". She had an online emotional affair with someone for about 6-8 weeks when I got the "proof" and confronted her with it. They were just getting ready to meet in person to see if what they had was "real". When I confronted her, he bought her plane tickets to come live with him, and she moved into a motel to stay until the flight left. Long story short, she didn't go, and we're working things out now.

 

Now...I am convinced that this is/was a one time thing brought on by depression, and issues that we hadn't resolved in our marriage. She's being treated for depression, and weve done a LOT to work on the issues in our marriage. Things are going great for us now. We had many awesome years to look back on and say "I wish we were still like that"...it gave us a goal to work on, and a foundation to build from. We KNOW how good we can be together.

 

As far as trust...it takes time to rebuild. And we all like to believe that our relationship is "special". That things like this can't ever happen to us. That what we've got is better than everyone else. Well...we know better now. (I often wonder if this is the exact same thing in the MP/OP relationship...and why they think that THEY'LL make it). I know that even if somehow I ever ended up leaving my wife and being with someone else....I would never trust ANYONE as blindly as I did my wife before the affair.

 

I'd be interested in hearing the OM/OW response to my question above...especially in light of the "special" relationship issue I mentioned. If there is anything that anyone should learn from an affair...no relationship is "special", and immune to problems like this.

[hooghie]

Owl,

 

I can understand why you would want to work things out because the relationship never got physical although it probably would have if you hadn't found out- still- she obviously realized what she was doing was wrong BEFORE she really did anything wrong. I'm sure an emotional affair is very very painful, but it's no way near a physical one.

 

I was only an OW in highschool. I met a guy who had recently broken up with a 2 year girlfriend and I fell in love with him. After a month or so, I found out that he was back with his GF, but at that point- my feelings were involved and I stayed with him as the OW for almost a year until I realized I couldn't take it. I know that experience is different than an adult OW/marriage situation, but I think a lot of times, people don't realize the mess they are getting into- they think it is just a physical relationship and then feelings get involved and by then it is too late.

 

maybe they also think that this is the real thing and the reason the spouse is cheating is because they are so unhappy and ow/om thinks that he/she will not make the spouse unhappy. I don't think the trust issues come in until the person is REALLY with the cheater, and then they will question it.

 

I don't know, but you raise a good point.

 

I just know I would have a really hard time forgiving my BF if he ever cheats on me and I doubt I would ever completely trust him again.

[Pocky]

I'm sure an emotional affair is very very painful, but it's no way near a physical one.

 

I'd have to disagree.

 

Personally, I find it would be more devastating to know that my husband had an emotional affair with someone - that he shared his thoughts, his dreams, his aspirations with - the he thought about during the day, the he wanted to share moments with, that he longed to be the side of this other person and that I was no longer the person he ran to in his time of need. I was no longer the one he trusted to tell his secrets. I was no longer the person that he needed to comfort him or hold him or analyze the world with. I was no longer his best-friend, his equal, his partner.

 

To know that he left my side because of the person I was, my true self, would be more devastating than to know that he just needed a wild time in bed and decided to sleep with someone else.

 

Sex does not make a relationship, it is simply the byproduct of one.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by hooghie

thanks for replying. I guess I can understand that- I have never been in that situation (thankfully) so I guess I don't know for sure what I would do. I DO know it would be REALLY hard for me to get over it and to build a trust back.

Are you sure your H didn't start having the A BEFORE he told you that you guys should separate because he didn't make you happy? Was he already thinking about her at this time?

 

I hope he learned his lesson and things work out for you.

 

 

It started out as an emotional A, b4 he filed for a D. He was home every night after work. However the first of the year (2003) he got promoted to a supervisor position. He then hired her for his assistant in Feb "b/c she had more experience than the other applicants." He was coming home later as soon as he got this job, but I would call him (company phone, not his cell) each day to find out when he would be home for supper and he was at work each time. About the middle of March I got the cell phone bill and I always check it to make sure everything is ok. I seen a number on there from out of town I did not reconize. I went to whitepages.com and it said there was no number listed, but it told me in what part of the town it was from. It was in the area where she lived. I asked him about. He admitted it was her phone number and he called her to let her know he would be returning a CD he borrowed as soon as he burned it. He told her I was mad about him borrowing it. I knew this OW was after him since day one, I am not stupid. I seen how she acted towards him. Less than a month later he said he wanted a D and then I heard they were spending a lot of time 2gether at work from friends. So, I believe it started out as an emotional A then turned physical. I can't compare a physical to an emotional A b/c I went through both. So I can't say the physical part is worse nor the emotional.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by hooghie

thanks for replying. I guess I can understand that- I have never been in that situation (thankfully) so I guess I don't know for sure what I would do. I DO know it would be REALLY hard for me to get over it and to build a trust back.

Are you sure your H didn't start having the A BEFORE he told you that you guys should separate because he didn't make you happy? Was he already thinking about her at this time?

 

I hope he learned his lesson and things work out for you.

 

 

It started out as an emotional A, b4 he filed for a D. He was home every night after work. However the first of the year (2003) he got promoted to a supervisor position. He then hired her for his assistant in Feb "b/c she had more experience than the other applicants." He was coming home later as soon as he got this job, but I would call him (company phone, not his cell) each day to find out when he would be home for supper and he was at work each time. About the middle of March I got the cell phone bill and I always check it to make sure everything is ok. I seen a number on there from out of town I did not reconize. I went to whitepages.com and it said there was no number listed, but it told me in what part of the town it was from. It was in the area where she lived. I asked him about. He admitted it was her phone number and he called her to let her know he would be returning a CD he borrowed as soon as he burned it. He told her I was mad about him borrowing it. I knew this OW was after him since day one, I am not stupid. I seen how she acted towards him. Less than a month later he said he wanted a D and then I heard they were spending a lot of time 2gether at work from friends. So, I believe it started out as an emotional A then turned physical. I can't compare a physical to an emotional A b/c I went through both. So I can't say the physical part is worse nor the emotional.

 

As for leaving your BF if he ever cheated on you, been there done that. I have dumped a couple of guys b/c they cheated on me. It pi$$ed me off more than hurt me. I had no problems breaking up w/ them. As soon as I found out the truth they were gone and I was happy to get rid of their cheating a$$. When you have been w/ a man for 13 years and married for almost 12 and they have always been faithful it's hard to let them go after being w/ them so many years, especially when you have children.

[hooghie]

Originally posted by Pocky

 

 

I'd have to disagree.

 

Personally, I find it would be more devastating to know that my husband had an emotional affair with someone - that he shared his thoughts, his dreams, his aspirations with - the he thought about during the day, the he wanted to share moments with, that he longed to be the side of this other person and that I was no longer the person he ran to in his time of need. I was no longer the one he trusted to tell his secrets. I was no longer the person that he needed to comfort him or hold him or analyze the world with. I was no longer his best-friend, his equal, his partner.

 

To know that he left my side because of the person I was, my true self, would be more devastating than to know that he just needed a wild time in bed and decided to sleep with someone else.

 

Sex does not make a relationship, it is simply the byproduct of one.

 

 

I see your point and maybe I would be more hurt in the long run, but I also think an emotional affair can happen almost innocently because of things missing in your relationship and can happen over time in the course of a friendship whereas a sexual one tends to have less though put into and frankly- only the person's sexual desire in mind which I think is VERY VERY low- to risk a relationship over a sexual pleasure would show me there is no respect for me. I don't know, just my opinion. Maybe it is because while I was married, although I never 'cheated' physically, I had several male friends that I often confided in and spent time with who filled the voids.

 

 

Originally posted by StillHurtin

 

When you have been w/ a man for 13 years and married for almost 12 and they have always been faithful it's hard to let them go after being w/ them so many years, especially when you have children.

 

 

I can definitely understand that. I admire your strength. I also think that when someone realizes what they've done and the damage it has caused, there is a good chance that it will never happen again.