This came out of left field. Thoughts?

[gypsycat]

Have a really good friend, we are first and foremost friends although from time to time we dabble in the benefits bit. We talk most days but conversation is limited to our shared hobby, or just anecdotal stuff about what happened today. We know basics of each other's personal lives but we will only have in depth conversations fairly rarely on personal topics. Neither of us are looking for a relationship, we're both in our 40s, both been through tough times in the past, the arrangement suits us and so far no-one has become jealous or attached, or so I thought

 

NYE we go out, have a great time, whilst under the influence of alcohol he tells me he loves me, he misses me not just once but quite a number of times. Quite a bit of other conversation that suggested he was looking for a serious relationship with me. To be honest that came completely out of left field for me. Nothing like that has ever come up before. New Year's night he leaves me a voicemail telling me he loves me, no idea whether or not under the influence of alcohol that time.

 

Am I just thick and I didn't see this coming...or is it just alcohol talking and he doesn't really mean it, rather caught up in the moment....or is it the alcohol talking and he really does mean it but can only say it when he is less inhibited? Guys I'd love your opinion on this....I didn't think guys came out with that kind of stuff that easily.

 

Lately he's done a couple of things that I thought were a bit possessive and out of character, chasing up if I didn't follow my usual schedule to make sure I was ok and stuff; taking things personally where there wasno reason to; nothing big but just a slightly different relationship. To be honest it annoyed me a bit.

 

So here's the problem, if I was looking for a relationship I would definitely get involved with him, but I don't want a relationship right now and I've never pretended any differently. I really don't want to lose the friendship, I know you get involved, if you're lucky it continues, but inevitably it breaks up and so does the friendship. I'm scared of losing that. With women friends that is not an issue. On the other hand now that he's come out with this I can see that I'm probably kidding myself that this is a "just friends"relationship, it's completely different to relationships I have with other friends who are guys which are completely platonic.

 

I'd really love some independent perspectives on where this I love you, I miss you came from.

[uriel]

Sounds like he's been keeping this growing feeling in and picked NYE to let you know about it. That's not off base for male behavior. Many men express love when they feel it, although the announcement's significant. So, his timing makes sense.

 

Now, you are obligated to do one thing: tell him the truth about how you feel. Say you're not interested in a relationship and that you don't feel the same way. If you were crazy in love with him, you'd go for it. The reservation you have means you're not. That's information he needs. Don't confuse him by saying you think he's relationship material. He's not -- for you. And that's what interests him.

 

Then, you need to stop having sex with him. Because he loves you, that's just going to keep the pain of not having you to himself alive. You may also need to pull back from the friendship until his hot and heavy cools down. You need to let him know you're seeing other people, or will, but don't want to give him details or keep him hoping by closer, regular contact.

 

Yes, this is going to impact your friendship with him. There's no way around it. The friendship may survive, but that depends on how well he's able to accept your "no" and move on. Although it may seem cruel to withdraw as I've recommended, if you don't, you'll keep his hope alive and he'll end up feeling bitter, tortured, and led on.

 

Now's not the time to analyze where this came from -- that's just stalling. Deal with the matter head on. That's the best way to help him and preserve any possibility of a future friendship.

 

-- uriel

[gypsycat]

Thanks that's really good advice. Not what I want to hear but it's true and we need to get on a level playing field. Much better to deal with it now than in the future.

 

It's a big deal for him to say this, he's been badly hurt in the past, haven't we all, and therefore it's a huge step for him to want to pursue a relationship here. On the other hand, I've been hurt in the past where a guy pursued me, wanted to marry me and then just walked away, so the reason I don't want to pursue relationships generally is I just don't want to go through that again and I'm not ready to trust what people say. Which is why I'm second guessing myself here with does he really mean it? I think you're inferring he does, and from what I know about him he's not the type to play games and chooses his words carefully. But all that tells me is I'm not yet ready to handle any relationship, which I already know, and until I am I need to get him on the same page. It's sad but true.

[uriel]

Yes, he means it. Whether he's the kind of man who follows through with commitments, you know best. You can judge that readily by his past relationship behavior with other women.

 

As for your own issues, you're right -- you need to sort those out if they're likely to sabotage new romantic relationships. On the other hand, resisting healing and taking chances isn't good either.

 

-- uriel

[SuperFantastico]

Perhaps its a midlife crisis thing for him. He feels hes getting too old and dosnt want

to end up alone. He knows you, trusts you. Im sure over the years theres been

some hanky panky. You are the perfect person for him to latch onto in his lonelyness.

 

How long have you both been single?

[gypsycat]

Originally posted by SuperFantastico

Perhaps its a midlife crisis thing for him. He feels hes getting too old and dosnt want

to end up alone. He knows you, trusts you. Im sure over the years theres been

some hanky panky. You are the perfect person for him to latch onto in his lonelyness.

 

How long have you both been single?

 

 

I kind of wondered about the midlife crisis. One of his comments was about wanting a wife, although I don't think he was necessarily proposing that I be it, just talking generally. Up till now, he was the ultimate confirmed bachelor.

 

I've only been single 12 months, but as far as I know he has always been single as in not living with anyone. Think he came close a couple of times but didn't do it. That said he certainly dates lots of people but I don't think he does with a view to a serious relationship, just someone to go out with and stuff.

 

So the NYE "love you, miss you" comments have not come up again, it's like it never happened, go figure. Except I do have a voicemail so I know I didn't imagine it. It started to eat away at me that we both went on like this conversation never happened which usually leads me to start dropping sarcastic comments. He knew I was pissed about something so I sent him an email one night and just laid out what he had said (in case he didn't remember, pretended to not remember or actually did remember lol) and said it was totally not ok to say that and mess with me if he didn't mean it. He replied "we'll talk later", later hasn't happened and that was 2 weeks ago. I give up trying to work this one out.