he wants his keys back

[liloldlady]

Is it not that you can't choose...but that you want both, for as long as you can make it happen?

 

Well, my actions indicate I choose the option presenting himself to me, lover boy, whom I also love very much in return. Ex is not an option. He is not availing himself to me. He holds himself hostage and keeps himself away. I am not a priority to him in terms of his actions.

 

I'm thinking of making a trip to ex's town for New Year's Eve. He can't be literally working 24/7! This is what happened during our first relationship: I go to him. He does not want to be away from his work for very long, & I respect that. He's a workaholic & though ex loves me very much, I'll always be second to his work, and I respect that too because his work is very important. I can't be selfish. He's a genius. They both are.

 

Lover boy has tried to help me navigate these waters by suggesting I have two men in my life. Lover boy is extremely liberal & I appreciate him because he lets me be free & make my own decisions. He wasn't always this way, though. At first he did NOT want me interacting with ex at all.

 

Ex, however, does not PLAY that "two men in your life" stuff. No way, no how! He's strict and traditional. His woman belongs to HIM. So the fact that he doesn't hate me tells me his capacity for love and forgiveness is very deep. And I will never, ever lie to him or anybody else for that matter.

 

I am not having a problem making a choice.

[liloldlady]

How convenient, for HIM! Getting it at home and getting it from you, all without commitment or consequence. Not cute in my book.

 

I am wondering if something is brewing at that house he lives in. He's hinted he might need a place to stay (& I am not shacking up! He knows.). His paranoia about smelling like me, even based on a simple hug, is increasing.

 

(Hint, sometimes men don't like to tell you when they've moved on.)

 

My ex says he hasn't. Not even sex! He's extremely disciplined, my ex. It's...remarkable.

[Snipercatt]

Ex, however, does not PLAY that "two men in your life" stuff. No way, no how! He's strict and traditional. His woman belongs to HIM. vs. And I will never, ever lie to him or anybody else for that matter

.

 

The first comment is belied by the last comment. If you aren't informing your ex that you are with loserboy, and you know how your ex feels about that then you are lying by ommission.

 

So the fact that he doesn't hate me tells me his capacity for love and forgiveness is very deep.

 

Emotionally mature people set aside wrong doings and endeavor to forgive the people that commited those acts. It doesn't necessarily mean that they love that person, anymore, or that they will ever love them like they did before being wronged.

[Snipercatt]

"Moving on" doesn't mean that one has another romantic partner. It can mean that they have emotionally distanced themselves from their previous partner, expecially if they have been betrayed by that partner.

 

Not even sex! He's extremely disciplined, my ex. It's...remarkable.

 

It isn't remarkable for emotionally mature individuals. That you consider it thus speaks to your lack of understanding. Do not measure a loving person's actions by what loserboy does. He's out for Loserboy first and foremost, that should be apparent to you.

[liloldlady]

If you aren't informing your ex that you are with loserboy, and you know how your ex feels about that then you are lying by ommission.

 

No, he knows we're involved. He was surprised that I went back.

 

Emotionally mature people set aside wrong doings and endeavor to forgive the people that commited those acts. It doesn't necessarily mean that they love that person, anymore, or that they will ever love them like they did before being wronged.

 

Well he wronged me too and I've forgiven. And I don't want ex to love me the way he did before because that did not work!!

[Snipercatt]

And I don't want ex to love me the way he did before because that did not work!!

 

Sounds to me like the only one profiting here is Loserboy!

 

If you are seeing Loserboy, for your personal pleasure, and your ex knows about it and is still willing to remain in relationship with you, even though he has traditional values, and you are okay with all of that, then I'm not sure why you would ask about giving your keys to Loserboy. Why not?

 

Loserboy and you, each, require an abundance of external validation. Your ex receives his validation from his own accomlishments. The two aren't necessarily incompatible, but generally lead to disenchantment, thus the reason that your ex is your ex.

[Owl]

Well, my actions indicate I choose the option presenting himself to me, lover boy, whom I also love very much in return. Ex is not an option. He is not availing himself to me. He holds himself hostage and keeps himself away. I am not a priority to him in terms of his actions.

 

I'm thinking of making a trip to ex's town for New Year's Eve. He can't be literally working 24/7! This is what happened during our first relationship: I go to him. He does not want to be away from his work for very long, & I respect that. He's a workaholic & though ex loves me very much, I'll always be second to his work, and I respect that too because his work is very important. I can't be selfish. He's a genius. They both are.

 

Lover boy has tried to help me navigate these waters by suggesting I have two men in my life. Lover boy is extremely liberal & I appreciate him because he lets me be free & make my own decisions. He wasn't always this way, though. At first he did NOT want me interacting with ex at all.

 

Ex, however, does not PLAY that "two men in your life" stuff. No way, no how! He's strict and traditional. His woman belongs to HIM. So the fact that he doesn't hate me tells me his capacity for love and forgiveness is very deep. And I will never, ever lie to him or anybody else for that matter.

 

I am not having a problem making a choice.

 

OK...then why bother doing ANYTHING with the ex?

 

Why not just end it with him and drive on with 'ole lover boy?

 

Why go see him over the holidays at all, if he's not making you a priority at all?

 

Remove ex from the picture and keep lover boy...nothing to it.

[Snipercatt]

Lover boy has tried to help me navigate these waters by suggesting I have two men in my life.

 

You realize that loserboy isn't helping you navigate any waters to your advantage, but to his own, right? And when he is done with you, and if ex never reconciles with you, what then?

 

People who require lots of external validation can become draining to be around. You might see it as confirmation that you are worthy to be with, but the person having to fulfill your attention requirements finds it excessive and needy. You mention that your ex holds himself hostage. Thinking that someone is holding themselves away from you as punishment, may, in reality, like your ex may be living their big wide life and find your needs obsessive. As individuals mature emotionally they increasingly rid themselves of such demanding friends and partners. It sounds like that may be what your ex is doing. As time goes on you may find it difficult to attract and retain someone who is validated by their own self-worth rather than by attention from others. Assuming that your needs, and choices, do not change, your ex may have been your last chance at attracting a mate with healthy self-esteem.

[liloldlady]

Sounds to me like the only one profiting here is Loserboy!

 

Nope. I am benefiting as well because I enjoy his company.

 

If you are seeing Loserboy, for your personal pleasure, and your ex knows about it and is still willing to remain in relationship with you, even though he has traditional values

 

Ex said he doesn't want anyone to think that he's "okay" with all of this.

[liloldlady]

 

Remove ex from the picture and keep lover boy...nothing to it.

 

Easier said than done.

[Snipercatt]

Nope. I am benefiting as well because I enjoy his company.

 

At what cost? Are you able to recognize when you are being used versus when there are mutual benefits?

 

If you were to retain your keys you would see Loserboy on your terms. Why would you extend a benefit to him that he can not reciprocate with?

[Snipercatt]

Easier said than done.

 

Only when you are unwilling.

[liloldlady]

You realize that loserboy isn't helping you navigate any waters to your advantage, but to his own, right?

 

You are mistaken. Lover boy is a sweetheart and a joy to be around. We enjoy hanging out with each other.

 

And when he is done with you

 

Lover boy is not the leaving kind, and I've shown him plenty of chances to be done with me, yet he's remained with me.

 

and if ex never reconciles with you, what then?

 

I'll survive. I've made it this long without him, sadly. But everything happens for a reason.

 

You mention that your ex holds himself hostage. Thinking that someone is holding themselves away from you as punishment, may, in reality, like your ex may be living their big wide life and find your needs obsessive.

 

He does find how much I love him to be baffling, as do I. Very mysterious indeed. ♥

[liloldlady]

OK...then why bother doing ANYTHING with the ex?

 

Because I love that man.

 

Why go see him over the holidays at all, if he's not making you a priority at all?

 

I need to see him, it's been too long, and that's our history: I make it easy for him to see me. I travel the distance. He is beyond worth it. I go the extra mile for that man. ♥

[liloldlady]

Are you able to recognize when you are being used versus when there are mutual benefits?

 

Lover boy is not using me, LOL! We love each other.

 

If you were to retain your keys you would see Loserboy on your terms.

 

Keys don't change the schedule we work out together. We are very good planners.

 

Why would you extend a benefit to him that he can not reciprocate with?

 

I don't want keys to where he lives.

[liloldlady]

Only when you are unwilling.

 

Yes, I am unwilling to let him go. And he's never asked me to, either.

[Nothisgirl]

Because I love that man.

 

 

 

I need to see him, it's been too long, and that's our history: I make it easy for him to see me. I travel the distance. He is beyond worth it. I go the extra mile for that man. ♥

 

I've read this whole tread and I am thoroughly and equally confused and entertained .... Liloldlady, I believe you love both and if they are both willing and aware of what's going on then to each his own..however I can't help but wonder why you're so attached and in love with the ex if he doesn't make any effort to see or connect with you?

[liloldlady]

I can't help but wonder why you're so attached and in love with the ex if he doesn't make any effort to see or connect with you?

 

I wonder the same, as does ex openly do so as well. Maybe it's the abrupt nature of our split. He gave me the old silent treatment for the lonnnngest time. Just cut me off without warning. Not cool. But he's since explained himself, and I'm past that.

 

There was a time when I even thought he forgot about me completely! Like, forgot he ever even knew me at all. But according to him, he was still loving me in his own way. He's an enigma.

Edited December 17, 2013 by liloldlady

[Snipercatt]

Lil, your posts are riddled with inconsistencies and diametrically opposed information. If you cannot discern that for yourself you have far more important things to sort out than romantic relationships.

 

If what you post about your ex is true, you are correct, you are not a priority with him. Considering your history with him, and your philosophy, that isn't likely to change.

 

That leaves you chasing someone for whom you're not a priority, or sharing your Loserboy with his shackmate. As Loserboy isn't the leaving kind that situation isn't likely to change.

[wanting more]

Sorry. I've tried to keep up but think the more I read the more confused I get.

 

Is the key made of metal for a lock on a solid piece of wood??

 

Loverboy??? Hadnt heard a grown woman use that term in years.

 

Platonic born again virgin??? How does that happen?? I heard you can achieve that thru surgery, but if you can tell me the address for la-la land where you live, maybe I could go there and close my eyes and wish really hard and it'll happen.

 

This is soo confusing I need a glass of wine.

[liloldlady]

If what you post about your ex is true, you are correct, you are not a priority with him. Considering your history with him, and your philosophy, that isn't likely to change.

 

I agree.

 

That leaves you chasing someone for whom you're not a priority, or sharing your Loserboy with his shackmate. As Loserboy isn't the leaving kind that situation isn't likely to change.

 

...true. Sigh.

[Lillyfree]

Lil, your posts are riddled with inconsistencies and diametrically opposed information. If you cannot discern that for yourself you have far more important things to sort out than romantic relationships.

 

this poster will throw a bait, then contradict herself and post nonsensical replies until people start frothing at the mouth and the thread reaches 20 pages.

 

it could live under a bridge, is all i'm saying.

[Owl]

Yep, gotta stop feedin' 'em.

[findingnemo]

Is it not that you can't choose...but that you want both, for as long as you can make it happen?

 

I think so too. I think she likes Ex's future prospects and the way his mind works but she loves Loverboy who is committed else where. She can't choose because both of them are somewhat unavailable to her. Ex seems to be emotionally unavailable even if he says the right things. He is clever and has very good potential as a H in terms of material wealth. Loverboy is loving and expressive but he is shacking up with someone else.

 

A solid future vs an exciting love life in an A? That is really the dilemma here. If it were me, I'd dump them both since each one has some very valid reasons to be dumped. The Ex is emotionally clueless and will probably never love her the way she needs to be loved. As for Loverboy...he is a cheater!!

 

(I could have confused Ex and Loverboy but please forgive me, it is all quite confusing).

[findingnemo]

I don't think Lil is a troll. I just think she has a problem that many of us have never had and will probably never have.