he wants his keys back

[liloldlady]

I think she likes Ex's future prospects and the way his mind works but she loves Loverboy who is committed else where.

 

Exactly! Ex could make sense in the big picture of my life, but I have no practical data to back that up because we don't spend time together. Meanwhile lover boy is over the moon for me, thought about me all last night, can't wait to see me in a little while, wanting to schedule time with me next week, too. Lover boy is a delight!

 

She can't choose because both of them are somewhat unavailable to her.

 

Exactly! You get it!

 

Ex seems to be emotionally unavailable even if he says the right things.

 

Precisely!

 

He is clever and has very good potential as a H in terms of material wealth.

 

An excellent provider. (I bring stuff to the table in that department, too, so don't get it twisted.)

 

Loverboy is loving and expressive but he is shacking up with someone else.

 

Right.

 

A solid future vs an exciting love life in an A? That is really the dilemma here.

 

Thank you for your clarity. If ex is thinking clearly and rationally, he'll understand I am free to see whom I wish (and he has already said as much). However he never in a million years dreamed it would be lover boy. Nor did I.

 

Part of me thinks this is ex's karma for dealing with me in such an immature manner (when he left, he did it like a coward {he was scared, I now know; he finally told me})... But, he gave me the silent treatment. The worst way to leave someone's life, amid unanswered questions &...other things going on between us that I had to deal with, and successfully did so -- with the help of lover boy. You see? One is there for me when I need someone: lover boy. That's lover boy.

 

I think if lover boy was as materially successful as ex, lover boy would be living alone and not shacking up... Just a hunch.

 

If it were me, I'd dump them both since each one has some very valid reasons to be dumped.

 

Nooooo, not lover boy. No way.

 

The Ex is emotionally clueless and will probably never love her the way she needs to be loved.

 

I've warned ex that this is what he's doing to us:

 

wither on the vine

(British, American & Australian literary)

also die on the vine (American & Australian literary)

 

if something withers on the vine, it is destroyed very gradually, usually because no one does anything to help or support it

 

As for Loverboy...he is a cheater!!

 

Cheating on her, not on me. (Yeah, yeah, peanut gallery, I already hear ya.)

 

(I could have confused Ex and Loverboy but please forgive me, it is all quite confusing).

 

To the contrary, not only are you not confused, but you've given me great insight! Thank you!

 

This is not about choosing between two men. I don't have the privilege, LOL. This is a discovery about lifestyle options. Lover boy would easily keep me forever. But what ex brings to the table has a substance worth waiting for. But time waits for no one.

 

Oh I'm getting a headache. But this is the life I know. It ain't half bad.

[Snipercatt]

So, what have you decided?

[Owl]

So...OP...what is it that you want the folks on LS to actually do for you?

What advice are you seeking, answers you're looking for, support you're hoping to find?

 

Seems to me that you already know what you want (both, forever), don't want to recognize that this isn't a viable choice, and aren't interested in actually looking for advice or support around changing/improving your situation.

 

Not sure what we can do for you.

[awkward]

Isn't loverboy engaged to the woman he is shacking up with? Didn't he tell you he would end your affair once he is married? I realize that you don't believe that he will since you say he isn't the leaving kind.

 

Didn't you move to be closer to loverboy? Perhaps he has your heart and your ex is just someone you haven't let go of.

[liloldlady]

So, what have you decided?

 

Kind of you to ask.

 

I continue to love who shows up & loves me with actions, not just words: lover boy. Will slip off to ex's town on New Year's Eve, shack up in a hotel for the night, see if he wants to come & say hello.

[liloldlady]

 

Seems to me that you already know what you want (both, forever),

 

One says that's fine, other says: no way in heck.

[liloldlady]

Didn't you move to be closer to loverboy? Perhaps he has your heart and your ex is just someone you haven't let go of.

 

Yes, & you may be soooo right. It's so hard to let go of the past sometimes, and I feel bad because ex said everyone up and leaves him (his workaholism is a culprit). I wanted to be different. I'm a workaholic too but I still make time for loved ones. Lover boy just said he's a workaholic, too, so these excuses are exactly that: excuses. We make time for what and who's important to us.

[liloldlady]

Isn't loverboy engaged to the woman he is shacking up with?

 

Carrot, dangle. Bet'cha. But I don't know. That's his other life, separate from our relationship.

 

I read in "Men Who Can't Love" by Julia Carter & Julia Sokol (page 46):

 

Living together is just an arrangement; it's just convenient. It doesn't mean that there is a commitment on either side. As a matter of fact, it states very clearly that you're not sure; that's why you're not getting married.

 

Slowly we're starting to discuss the reality of the situation at lover boy's residence and...it's not cute. This is not his dream come true.

 

I need to take the kind (mostly) advice of you folk and love on lover boy 100%. I can tell that his love for me is growing.

 

And lover boy said he has NO desire to live alone, so I was wrong. He's my delightful enigma.

 

Didn't he tell you he would end your affair once he is married?

 

Back in the day, yes. These days it's: I'm not even close to being ready to get married. Maybe in 20 years, LOL. There are countless examples of men who shack up, have these long term faux engagements (promise rings and what not, LOL), split up and promptly marry the new lady within months. That's the natural trajectory of a relationship. Momentum, not stagnant.

 

I thank the women in my men's pasts ("my men", LOL). Let the men make their mistakes on somebody else and come on home to me when you're ready for the main attraction

 

I realize that you don't believe that he will since you say he isn't the leaving kind.

 

Yes, he's given me a second chance in his life & with his heart. I'm not about to ask for a third!

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts!!!

[Owl]

One says that's fine, other says: no way in heck.

 

And yet, you continue to pursue both.

 

Which speaks volumes about your personality and mindset.

 

You avoided my question...what are you hoping that LS will "do" for you? Why post, if you don't want/need any advice/suggestions/support/help? Seems to me, you're posting for entertainment value, and nothing more.

[liloldlady]

And yet, you continue to pursue both.

 

I'm a lady. I don't have to pursue anyone. I do reach out to ex and have single-handedly kept us somewhat alive, though, LOL.

[Snipercatt]

Regardless whether you don't HAVE to pursue anyone, you do. Single-handledly.

 

Seems to me, you're posting for entertainment value, and nothing more.

 

And, this "lady" has done that, in spades!

[Sub]

I'm a lady. I don't have to pursue anyone.

 

Welcome to the 21st century. It goes both ways nowadays.

[liloldlady]

Welcome to the 21st century. It goes both ways nowadays.

 

That is not Biblically so. He who FINDS a wife...

[Snipercatt]

That is not Biblically so. He who FINDS a wife...

 

There's a big Biblical difference between a woman, and a wife. He who finds a WIFE means he has found someone that was already wife material.

[Owl]

There is NOTHING in your story anywhere near "biblical". I'm amazed you brought that up at all as some kind of silly-a$$ed defense.

 

And yet again, you've avoided my base question.

 

What is it you're hoping to get from LS? Or is this entire thread just to rile up folks here?

[liloldlady]

 

-Loverboy told you not to fall in love with him

 

On that, I told him at least a year ago, ooops, I accidentally fell in love with you and he thought it was sweet.

 

Then a few months ago I reminded him, we're doing the love thing, not the in love thing, and he agreed.

 

So I don't know why shortly after that he warned me not to fall in love. He's protesting too much sometimes.

 

-Loverboy does not want to be with you exclusively (because he is with someone else)

 

Well, she pays the bills.

 

-You say Loverboy really loves and cares for you but he wants the keys to your apartment when you're not 100% willing to give them because you're confused

 

No, no, no, he can have them. I want him to.

 

-You say Loverboy really loves and cares for you but he doesn't want to break it off with whoever he is seeing to be yours & only yours

 

It's not that simple.

 

-Ex has shown he is a good man but just has problems managing his life and work

 

No, he's got everything under control.

 

-You are still in love with your ex

 

Well, let's start with just seeing him again and having a conversation. That's a pleasant place to start.

 

-You claim your ex and you wouldn't work yet you are reconciling with him.

 

Yeah, you don't need to recap my story for me. You're not getting it right.

 

1) Loverboy does not love you, and will not love you and does not want a future with you. He has made that explicitly clear.

 

You're so far off base. We are friends for LIFE.

 

I would highly suggest following your head here. The man that can potentially give you the life you want and the stability and love you want, the way you want it (it sounds like you want to be monogamous in the end) is the man you should be going for.

 

He's making me work so hard, but he's like a magnet. I'm so drawn to him. No biggie. We're fine. He & I have found a common ground and we move forward from there. We're fine, thanks for ENQUIRING.

 

I am going to go against the popular opinion here and say ditch loverboy,

 

Never.

 

unless you're willing to give up the kind of future you really want, and are ready for a WORLD OF PAIN when loverboy won't leave his significant other to be with you.

 

Lover Boy is not going anywhere.

 

Or when you meet the perfect man for you and you can't leave loverboy alone and it ruins it.

 

OK, well, you're off base, but thanks for trying. Have a nice day.

 

Either way, loverboy is going to cause you pain in the future.

 

 

No way. He is my loving sweetheart. Cheers!

[GoreSP]

I did not read all pages but something struck me at the beginning...

 

You said you had a casual thing going on with the ex you are reconciling with and that he said the next time he is with you he wants more than this...so he wants something serious.

 

You do realize he will most likely not tolerate you going back and forth between him and lover-boy, right?

[liloldlady]

You said you had a casual thing going on with the ex you are reconciling with and that he said the next time he is with you he wants more than this...so he wants something serious.

 

Ex is thinking big picture. He's career oriented and focused on something important (that he's invited me to be a part of, which says a LOT). There has never, ever been anything casual about my ex. He plays for keeps (his words). I love him so much for that.

 

You do realize he will most likely not tolerate you going back and forth between him and lover-boy, right?

 

Ex is all or nothing. Ex is still trying to reconcile that I got involved with lover boy in the first place. My ex has not had an easy life. He's always had a lot on his plate. Some of it is a result of his own actions, however, so...it's an interesting time in his life.

 

Bottom line is: I need to be there for him in the ways that he wants me, which are my professional expertise. The very least I can do is give him what he's asking for, right??? He's not asking for hugs, kisses, and snuggles. We're a long way from there -- if ever.

 

But he continues to tell me he's not going anywhere.

 

Sigh. It's easy for me to say ex's words do not align with his actions, but really, it's a matter of timing. He moves very slowly and methodically. He's a thinking man. He said he used to get involved in relationships quickly, but those days are over. He's a genius and I will always love him.

[Snipercatt]

Lil, why are your posts incongruous?