Found out gf works with a guy she was friends with benefits with

[Spectre]

I recently found out this girl I've been dating(not for long, but we were more or less unofficially together for a while before we made it official) has done the whole friends with benefits thing in the past. I have a few issues with this, I don't care about the fact she has been with other guys, but the FwB bothers me. I find something like sex to be special, etc. and not something to be given away lightly.

 

That is something I just have to deal with I guess, but another bigger issue is she is a cop and the guy who was this "friend" is another cop. Every day she see's this dude, not so bad I guess since it is work. Worst part is sometimes a bunch of the cops go out drinking, so it means she occasionally is out drinking with a dude she used to screw, even though it isn't just the two of them alone.

 

I told her this makes me uncomfortable, she told me I could come along any time I wanted, but I told her that would never happen and it is for two reasons: First off, I would feel strange there..I'm the only one who isn't a cop. I don't know if some people know or have seen this, but cops have a certain..way with each other. I've just really felt like an outsider for the few times I have been around her with other cops. Doesn't help the place they go to drinking is essentially a bar for cops. Plus like I said they are cops so sometimes they have weird shifts, they might not end up going until 1-2 in the morning.

 

Second reason and most important is I would definitely not be able to have a good time going out for drinks with a dude who banged my gf on several occasions. Why would she even think I'd be comfortable with that?

 

I know my issues with how I feel about FwB in general are my own to sort out and I know I can't be upset if she is working with this guy, but am I out of line not being comfortable with her when it comes to post work activities? I can't help but wonder how she'd feel if the roles were reversed. I've been cheated on before and I don't particularly feel like going through any drama with this girl. I also really can't tell her what to do she is a grown woman so she can do what she likes. Not saying I exactly think she would get with this guy again, but I don't find it appropriate for a person to be out drinking if they are in a relationship. I wonder if I should be a bit alarmed that her solution to being umcomfortable over this was essentially "come hang out with the guy I screwed". After I told her why I could never really go with her to these things she did not really offer up any other solution.

 

What do I do if she continues to want to do this? Do I just take a step back in the relationship? I just do not want to stir up any drama because I'm emotionally exhausted.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Spectre

[daisydook]

She is with you right now. Focus on that. Don't create what you fear, my friend. If you cant handle things the way they are, you need to change. You don't need her to change. She is and always will be free to hang out with who she wants and doesn't sound like she is all to keen on being controlled, in any sense of the word. I would take a step back if you are uncomfortable, if that will help emotionally. I know things like this can be tough, but I would focus on the fact that she is with you and not him... right?

Edited December 17, 2013 by daisydook

[road]

Dump the bee-itch.

 

 

She does not respect you.

 

 

She refuses to go NC with an XFB, and wants to go out drinking alone.

[ThatMan]

She is with you right now. Focus on that. Don't create what you fear, my friend. If you cant handle things the way they are, you need to change. You don't need her to change. She is and always will be free to hang out with who she wants and doesn't sound like she is all to keen on being controlled, in any sense of the word. I would take a step back if you are uncomfortable, if that will help emotionally. I know things like this can be tough, but I would focus on the fact that she is with you and not him... right?

No.

Subscribing to the belief that one must change themselves if uncomfortable is tantamount to codependency. Behaving in this manner is neither loving nor caring to yourself or others.

 

But yeah, it's extremely important to sort through your own feelings. So I hope you take the time to think on what's important to you Spectre. I'm sorry that you feel drained. You're entitled to personal considerations and feelings. So never feel in the wrong for being jealous, hurt, overwhelmed, whatever the case may be. What matters are the choices that you make. There are healthy ways to work through your emotions to decide what's best for you.

 

You have every right to express that something makes you uncomfortable. Speaking to your own point of view and expressing yourself isn't controlling. But make no mistake - you cannot control her and force her to create decisions.

Edited December 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Space Ritual]

This one is a no brainer...

 

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

[Chi townD]

I understand that this makes you very uncomfortable and I TOTALLY get it. But, with what you've written, I don't think you have anything to worry about. She's open with you going at ANYTIME. So, I think that you could trust her if she's that open with you going out with her to these gatherings.

 

HOWEVER! She totally needs to take your feelings in consideration. THAT she has not been doing. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How would she feel if you were going out to the pub with a girl that you used to be intimate with? I doubt if she would be over the moon about it.

 

You need to bring that up with her.

[Emilia]

Not saying I exactly think she would get with this guy again, but I don't find it appropriate for a person to be out drinking if they are in a relationship. I wonder if I should be a bit alarmed that her solution to being umcomfortable over this was essentially "come hang out with the guy I screwed". After I told her why I could never really go with her to these things she did not really offer up any other solution.

There is no other solution. She will not stop having drinks with her colleagues and cops drink out together a lot.

 

I used to be FWB with a guy I work with and we are out socially all the time even though not one-on-one obviously. It can't be helped. Neither of us is going to stop socialising with work colleagues.

 

You just have to put up with it and go along to the drinks if you wish.

[d0nnivain]

I can understand why you are uncomfortable but as others have said she did stop with him & is now dating you. She can't exactly get another job; she'd be giving up a pension & good benefits. I think the fact that she wants you two in the same room is a good sign; meaning she's over him & he's over her.

 

 

If none of those reasons work for you intellectually - and they don't have to -- you should back off. Because trying to stay together when you resent him & her actions will only make everyone unhappy.

[Emilia]

HOWEVER! She totally needs to take your feelings in consideration. THAT she has not been doing. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How would she feel if you were going out to the pub with a girl that you used to be intimate with? I doubt if she would be over the moon about it.

You need to bring that up with her.

I bet you she would go along to the drinks to get to know her.

 

I don't really know how you take feelings into consideration when the close proximity will remain. Being a police officer is a vocation, not a job. Nothing that she is doing now will change. The OP can either deal with it or not.

[Chi townD]

I bet you she would go along to the drinks to get to know her.

 

I don't really know how you take feelings into consideration when the close proximity will remain. Being a police officer is a vocation, not a job. Nothing that she is doing now will change. The OP can either deal with it or not.

 

 

LOL! And be extremely hypercritical of her and what she's wearing and how she acts....blah....blah....

[Untouchable_Fire]

I recently found out this girl I've been dating(not for long, but we were more or less unofficially together for a while before we made it official) has done the whole friends with benefits thing in the past. I have a few issues with this, I don't care about the fact she has been with other guys, but the FwB bothers me. I find something like sex to be special, etc. and not something to be given away lightly.

 

What do I do if she continues to want to do this? Do I just take a step back in the relationship? I just do not want to stir up any drama because I'm emotionally exhausted.

 

Don't feel bad, because any normal man would feel weird bieng put in your situation.

 

What kind of woman asks her boyfriend to come hang out with her *uckbuddy?

 

Maybe this is the type of chick you are into... But personally I would not stop dating for this one. She seems to be dense and uncaring. Female cops tend to suck anyway. Keep looking. This is not the kind of woman you marry.

[Babolat]

There is no other solution. She will not stop having drinks with her colleagues and cops drink out together a lot.

 

I used to be FWB with a guy I work with and we are out socially all the time even though not one-on-one obviously. It can't be helped. Neither of us is going to stop socialising with work colleagues.

 

You just have to put up with it and go along to the drinks if you wish.

 

My ex gf volunteered a FWB when we were dating. I had met him socially 3 times prior to her telling me, then she told me. She said all of her gfs were telling her to not tell me she was still friends with him as men can't deal with that. It came up when I asked her if any of her male friends, that I had met, were previous lovers.

 

He is currently dating one of her best friends, and, as she puts it, it's pretty cool as she gets to spend time with both of them, at the same time. 2 birds, one stone kind of thing.

 

I would be bothered if they went out 1:1 together, drinking, but, they don't. She said she would never do that. It's always in a group setting, and, his current gf is always present.

 

The only thing that ever bothered me is her not telling me, the 1st time I met him, that they use to date/sleep together. It felt like she was hiding something when she told me later. When she explained what her gfs were telling her about it, it made sense, and your post confirms how some men do feel about it.

 

I suggest you go out with her and this FWB, see how they interact, see how he is with her. In the end, it's in the past, hopefully, you just need to resolve that in your mind.

[Babolat]

What kind of woman asks her boyfriend to come hang out with her *uckbuddy?

One who is comfortable in her own skin, and, has nothing to hide, in my opinion. And, one who is trying to help her bf resolve this in his head.

[Untouchable_Fire]

One who is comfortable in her own skin, and, has nothing to hide, in my opinion. And, one who is trying to help her bf resolve this in his head.

 

 

Comfortable and nothing to hide is just another way to say selfish and callous. If she thinks bringing them together will resolve this... You can add foolish to that list as well.

 

Frankly the way she is handling the situation makes me think she is self absorbed and thoughtless.

Edited December 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Clay]

Guys are territorial so this really does not apply the same way to women in the same situation.

 

This is a huge red flag. It sounds like you already told her you don't feel comfortable about this. She wants you to go with her and hang out with this guy after you already told her how you felt?

 

Clay

[anna121]

Haven't read beyond first post.

 

I would be totally on your side here.

 

BUT….

 

give her work environment, she may feel that she needs to go out with the guys in order to fit in, and even advance. If this guy is part of the milieu, she doesn't really have a choice.

 

I wouldn't say this in relation to many occupations, but I can sort of see it with this one.

 

Maybe there's a way to split the difference - she goes less often, or only puts in minimal face time if he's there (that one may not be feasible if he's always around).

 

But it's possible that simply bowing out is not realistic.

 

I'm no cop, mind you, but that's my take.

[ThatMan]

One who is comfortable in her own skin, and, has nothing to hide, in my opinion. And, one who is trying to help her bf resolve this in his head.

That is just stupid noise.

 

Comfortable and nothing to hide is just another way to say selfish and callous. If she thinks bringing them together will resolve this... You can add foolish to that list as well.

 

Frankly the way she is handling the situation makes me think she is self absorbed and thoughtless.

 

The world does not work in absolute truths. We cannot sit here and make judgements like these in certainty. For all we know this cop might be comfortable in her own skin while also remain callous at the same time. Both of you know very little about her or the choices she makes.

 

Being considerate of ourselves begins with us as individuals. *I* feel uncomfortable in these relationships. I believe these sort of relationships aren't worth the energy that I put into them. I would question whether or not my spouse is ready for a meaningful relationship yet if she remains in contact with an Ex. I will not enter a relationship with a woman who frequently socializes with an Ex. I would not be able to respect her. In my eyes, I would see her as being childish and immature.

 

Should everyone think exactly like me? Of course not! We each need to decide for ourselves what we want in life. I want a relationship in which I'm put first. I do not want a relationship with a woman who holds a torch out for whoever came before me. Getting over an Ex, at least to me, entails moving on with your life. That means no more contact. Kind of difficult to do when working with him...

Edited December 18, 2013 by ThatMan

[crederer]

Yeah, I can see how this would be weird for you. All I can say is she chose to be with you and not him. Then I think.....is she pining after this guy but he didn't want to be with her? Cause that would be bad too.

 

Any ways, I guess at the end of the day it's up to you whether you want to deal with this or not. And it's not irrational.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The world does not work in absolute truths. We cannot sit here and make judgements like these in certainty. For all we know this cop might be comfortable in her own skin while also remain callous at the same time. Both of you know very little about her or the choices she makes.

Being considerate of ourselves begins with us as individuals. *I* feel uncomfortable in these relationships. I believe these sort of relationships aren't worth the energy that I put into them. I would question whether or not my spouse is ready for a meaningful relationship yet if she remains in contact with an Ex. I will not enter a relationship with a woman who frequently socializes with an Ex. I would not be able to respect her. In my eyes, I would see her as being childish and immature.

Should everyone think exactly like me? Of course not! We each need to decide for ourselves what we want in life. I want a relationship in which I'm put first. I do not want a relationship with a woman who holds a torch out for whoever came before me. Getting over an Ex, at least to me, entails moving on with your life. That means no more contact. Kind of difficult to do when working with him...

 

This is not specters first post regarding this woman. She has a history of thoughtless words and actions that hurt him.

 

I don't think it's out of line to provide advice based on what I hear from him. I may not know her side of the story, but I don't think it matters, because I'm not giving her advice.

 

Frankly... I would never have started dating a woman that is FWB with all these other guys but refuses to have sex with a BF.

 

Having been through that crap before... I've learned that behavior is a giant red flag. I would rescind the girlfriend status and keep dating around until I had a better picture of her motives. No point in being exclusive with someone who makes you feel bad and question the relationship.

[ThatMan]

I was half expecting Specter to jump in and offer that history. But that does explain a lot. It shouldn't be any surprise that he feels a bit drained... I understand your sentiments and completely agree with them.

 

I know a married couple who used a little trick to help themselves decide of their relationship was worth it. They would each individually think about everything good the relationship has to offer before writing it down. Then they would list everything they want to see changed in the relationship. There should be a sharp contrast between all the good and the bad. If there's too much resentment and pain, it'll be easier to acknowledge that and move on. Should they actually stay together the needed changes are recognizable.

[Spectre]

To be frank I'm still not sure on what to do here. I took a bit of a step back from her. I felt bad since it is close to the holidays, but I didn't want to pretend everything is ok either. She didn't really understand why I was doing this. Not even sure what we are, on a break? I don't know the term. Maybe this is a bit selfish of me, but I told her if she hooked up with any dudes during this then we'd 100% never work out.

 

I've seen way too many topics here where they go on a short break and one of them sleeps around and then low and behold a week or two later they are back together and it just adds more drama. She's fine to do that if she pleases, but then she just wouldn't be the girl for me.

 

I know she won't quit her job and I'd never let her do that anyways and yeah I guess I doubt she will want to stop hanging out with these people, though I know she never had feelings for this "friend". I know I'd never be comfortable around this dude though, so I can't really ever come with. Well, I could go with obviously, but I don't see how I could possibly enjoy myself. I fully understand in relationships you sometimes do things you don't like for the other person, but I don't think that includes "go drinking with past bang buddies". I also want to say even if I did want to go wit I couldn't always do so because cops tend to sometimes work weird hours.

 

I find myself feeling angry at her at times. Everything seemed so simple before and we had these feelings for a long time and then got together. Ok we did have some problems(regarding an aspect of sex) but we were still in love. Then all of a sudden I get this giant complicated bomb dropped on my head.

 

I feel like she ruined everything, but then deep down I know maybe it is me. I did stupid things like forgiving a cheater and then when it came back to bite me it made it hard to trust anyone else. Maybe these wounds would not go so deep if I'd walked away when it was clear I should of. Then I think wow I'm really sort of doing the whole "it's not you it is me" crap.

 

My boyfriend is friends with an old FWB. They only hang out in a group setting. It doesn't bother me because he is with me and acts like he likes me a lot. It would be dumb to fixate on it. He doesn't flirt with her but he is friendly with her or he does not really go out of his way to speak to her too much. If your gf was doing these things I could understand a bit better.

 

Ive noticed in our society it is a double standard that women are expected to get over it when their bf is friends with a girl he boned, but when a woman does it it means she is not girlfriend material or not trustworthy. Ive read several threads with these reverse scenario and women are told they are insecure and need to get over it, while men are treated with more sympathy.

 

I think the fact that shes with you and treats you well and you fixate on it shows you're insecure. Just my opinion though.

 

First, I do not really know how they are together to be honest, I do not know if they flirt, I'd hope not. She's said she never had any feelings for him or vice versa. If I found out she was out drinking and also flirting with a past FWB I'd of already ended the relationship.

 

Second, I understand that the double standard you mention does exist, but I feel I do not employ them. I would never go out drinking with a girl I used to sleep with if I was dating someone. I am not one of those people who see a woman cheat and think bad things, but then see a guy do it and think "oh boys will be boys har har!". Any negative behavior regarding sex, I'd apply to both sexes equally. This day and age the old fashioned mentality of "boys will be boys" just doesn't fly.

 

I also fully admit part of this is me. I've been burned badly in the past, cheated on in more then one relationship. I stupidly forgave the chick in one of them and she just did it more and then it was just a long time before I was with anyone(this is the first girl since). I know things can happen when people drink, especially without their partner's present. With that knowledge on top of the fact yeah I do have issues from past relationships..I feel like I've essentially cost myself this one. I don't necessarily think she'd cheat, but then I've had that thought about other girls and been very wrong so how in the world can I trust my own instincts?

Edited December 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Darren Steez]

You're incompatible. I don't see a right or wrong here. She was single, he was single and they banged. They are adults. You see sex as something special, she has a more relaxed outlook on it.

 

She can still be friends with the man who banged her, that p*sses all over your value system. It will not work out and it will not fix itself and it will not blow over.

 

Neither of you are wrong and that's the impasse. And because of what you went through it adds to the situation. So most importantly, now you understand a bit more about what you will and will not settle for, do not under any circumstances try to compromise it in favor of being understanding or trying to work things out in order to be the better man.

 

Just walk away. Saves a lot of BS in the long run..as you very well know.

[Clay]

I think you did the right thing. Some people have no issue with there mates hanging around people that have had sex with. Since you found this to be a issue with you it is smart to back away. You have to know your own limits. I am not good with these things either so I don't put myself in that situations.

 

Clay

[Spectre]

I think I just seem to attract liars now. I mentioned she told me there was never once anything more then friendly feelings between her and this "friend". Then I come to find he might of had "some small" feelings for her. So now she's already lied to me about this. Says she didn't want me to feel awkward if I did meet him(weird considering she didn't lie about sex). She swears she never felt more then friendly though.

 

You're incompatible. I don't see a right or wrong here. She was single, he was single and they banged. They are adults. You see sex as something special, she has a more relaxed outlook on it.

 

She can still be friends with the man who banged her, that p*sses all over your value system. It will not work out and it will not fix itself and it will not blow over.

 

Neither of you are wrong and that's the impasse. And because of what you went through it adds to the situation. So most importantly, now you understand a bit more about what you will and will not settle for, do not under any circumstances try to compromise it in favor of being understanding or trying to work things out in order to be the better man.

 

Just walk away. Saves a lot of BS in the long run..as you very well know.

 

This doesn't have much to do with my values really. As I said, I know those particular issues I just have to deal with in terms of her having had a FWB and still working with him. My main problem is the after hours drinking.

 

Though you are probably right, I've already found out she now lied to me about this guy ever being into her. She claims she lied about that detail because if I ever did come out with her she didn't want me to feel even more awkward(though really the knowledge of sex is 1,000 times more awkward then just knowing about some "small feelings" so at that point it wouldn't of made any difference). It makes me wonder what else she has lied about. Trouble is she still thinks this is a temporary break, now I guess I have to explain to her it probably isn't.

 

If I decide to tell her that she will not take it well and I'm kinda guessing won't want to be friends either. Boy this will be a good Christmas. This just reminds me why I gave up on relationships in the first place.

Edited December 22, 2013 by Spectre

[Keenly]

This is a tough one for me. I guess I would have to go the extreme of I'd tell her its fine if she goes and I will deal with it. But if she messes up ONCE, just ONCE. Sends ONE inappropriate text or "accidentally" kisses him once, she is gone.