When will it be my time?

[Mrlonelyone]

I see others become couples and I wonder when will it be my time? All kinds of people. Gay, straight, black, white, young, old, murderer's in jail, and elderly people in the nursing home.

 

 

Yet it seems that I'll never find anyone willing to really try to make it work with me.

 

 

I know this may sound awful but am I really such a horrible person?

 

 

Oh let me make it clear I find people. But they are never 100% emotionally available, unattached, and unashamed. Be they male or female I am tired of being someone's secret yet that's all I'm selected for.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Mrlonelyone

[Under The Radar]

I know this isn't the answer you are looking for, but maybe never.

 

I'm in the same boat, but I'll never give up.

 

You have to keep putting yourself out there and not capitulate.

 

In addition, know what you want and what they are offering.

 

If you are interested in a LTR, then don't settle for being someone's FWB or "Secret".

 

In the meantime, keep living life and growing as a person, so that when the time does come to "pull the trigger" on a great match, the chance of success is significantly higher.

 

Do I think you'll eventually meet someone? Yes, but the process can be painstaking and riddled with setbacks.

 

And no ...... you are not a horrible person.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Training Revelations

[Mrlonelyone]

That is all fine advice for a 25 year old. I am over 30. At this point sex but no lasting relationship is cause for concern.

[Under The Radar]

That is all fine advice for a 25 year old. I am over 30. At this point sex but no lasting relationship is cause for concern.

 

 

That's the advice I give myself; I'll be 40 in a few months.

 

I don't have any family ...... was raised by my grandmother ...... she died a few years ago from cancer.

 

I spent Thanksgiving alone and will likely spend the upcoming holidays by myself.

 

Despite my loneliness at times, and the desire for a meaningful LTR, I manage to have a pretty damn good life.

 

I've had important people come and go out of my life. My happiness will never, ultimately, be determined by someone else.

 

I realize that even if I find love again, it could be taken away from me with little to no warning.

 

I choose to be happy in my own skin for what that's worth.

 

Like your signature used to say (compliments of Red Robin): I am lonely, but not alone.

 

Sorry my advice was not helpful ...... unfortunately, without the ability to foresee the future, no one can accurately answer your heartfelt question.

 

Take care of yourself; hope to see you around on the forum .

[Disillusioned]

I'm 46, straight, white, not rich but not exactly a skid row bum either, and I've wondered if the prize is really worth winning, if you catch my drift.

[Mrlonelyone]

Thanks for trying. I am just now really seeing that I was about as unhappy in and with my last R as I am now. Which is even more depressing. So I see you are right in the below.

 

 

That's the advice I give myself; I'll be 40 in a few months.

 

I don't have any family ...... was raised by my grandmother ...... she died a few years ago from cancer.

 

I spent Thanksgiving alone and will likely spend the upcoming holidays by myself.

 

Despite my loneliness at times, and the desire for a meaningful LTR, I manage to have a pretty damn good life.

 

I've had important people come and go out of my life. My happiness will never, ultimately, be determined by someone else.

 

I realize that even if I find love again, it could be taken away from me with little to no warning.

 

I choose to be happy in my own skin for what that's worth.

 

Like your signature used to say (compliments of Red Robin): I am lonely, but not alone.

 

Sorry my advice was not helpful ...... unfortunately, without the ability to foresee the future, no one can accurately answer your heartfelt question.

 

Take care of yourself; hope to see you around on the forum .

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm 46, straight, white, not rich but not exactly a skid row bum either, and I've wondered if the prize is really worth winning, if you catch my drift.

 

 

I'm sure when it is right it really is.

[trevzilla]

I gave up. I barely go out anymore other than with friends.

 

I started volunteering at church as I don't want to mope at home and focus on myself. I have lots of good friends, but it just doesn't seem meant to be. It stings trying and failing over and over. It's not easy for some people to connect apparently. I had a pretty messed up childhood, so I think it messed up my ability to form bonds with women.

 

I hope you have more luck than me my friend, but don't settle. There are lots of people out there you'd be better off without. Single is definitely better than a lot of relationships.

[Targetlock]

well said, it will happen when it happens and will be worth the wait.

[d0nnivain]

If the result is always the same take a look at what other factors in your life are the same. Is your "picker" off? A dear friend of mine always picked awful guys -- players, cheaters, just all around bad guys. Finally she said to herself that the next time she saw some guy & thought wow, he's hot, she'd make a conscious effort to talk to his buddy. She did that. She's now happily married to the buddy.

[AnyaNova]

I see others become couples and I wonder when will it be my time? All kinds of people. Gay, straight, black, white, young, old, murderer's in jail, and elderly people in the nursing home.

 

 

Yet it seems that I'll never find anyone willing to really try to make it work with me.

 

 

I know this may sound awful but am I really such a horrible person?

 

 

Oh let me make it clear I find people. But they are never 100% emotionally available, unattached, and unashamed. Be they male or female I am tired of being someone's secret yet that's all I'm selected for.

 

My ex barely even told his parents, any nobody at his job or anywhere else ever knew anything about us.

 

But I do know how you feel. I'm intelligent, successful, hard working (as long as calc,mag, and B vitamins levels are all up), and (also when all of those three things are all together) relatively emotionally stable.

 

But finding someone seems next to impossible. I mean, there's this one guy I probably could have (the guy who got my number at the store) but he's just not what I want, though exceedingly a nice guy!

 

that's the trick with being a rare personality type who wants a rare personality type.

 

It seems to take forever to find them.

 

Dang. All you introverted, HSP, intelligent, imaginative guys where do you all hang out? What's the secret handshake?

 

Sorry. Anyway, I hope that both our turns come soon!

[FrankieFrank]

I know my time won't come until I get out of where I live. And circumstances are not helping.

[Mrlonelyone]

What? Why??

 

Who puts these arbitrary "You must hit these life goals before you turn a certain age" rules down?

 

Next year, I'm going back to uni. I'm over 30. Am I too old for that? Hell no! As for everything else, it will happen when it is damn good and ready and to hell with society's ideas of what I should and should not do by a certain age...

 

 

 

 

 

You may not want to hear this but there is a great deal of ageism at Uni. I am early 30's and working towards. PhD. Even at my stage there is ageism. It comes from both students and faculty. To many students you might as well be 100. When you were first at univ. some of them were in pre-K.

 

 

You may be OK. However hearing them talk about how they would just shoot themselves if they weren't married with kids by 30 does take a toll.

 

 

My ex barely even told his parents, any nobody at his job or anywhere else ever knew anything about us.

 

But I do know how you feel. I'm intelligent, successful, hard working (as long as calc,mag, and B vitamins levels are all up), and (also when all of those three things are all together) relatively emotionally stable.

 

But finding someone seems next to impossible. I mean, there's this one guy I probably could have (the guy who got my number at the store) but he's just not what I want, though exceedingly a nice guy!

 

that's the trick with being a rare personality type who wants a rare personality type.

 

It seems to take forever to find them.

 

Dang. All you introverted, HSP, intelligent, imaginative guys where do you all hang out? What's the secret handshake?

 

Sorry. Anyway, I hope that both our turns come soon!

 

 

You really get it. My last ex told her family and parents but her friends were a different story. It was strange to talk to her father as if I had met a possible future father in law yet not even be able to have her friends be civil to me.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I understand how you feel. And I am almost 50. Haven't found the one. I have loved, deeply loved, yes, I really can say that. But in the end I did not really receive a lot of love in return. Just an example. Since 2000 I had 3 relationships. Met one guy at work who wanted a serious relationship but he was so bossy and controlling that I felt suffocated. If I did what he wanted he was great. If I did not do and think what he wanted he got nasty.

 

Was on my own for almost 7 years after that, then I had one short and one longer relationship with guys who turned out to be liars. Now on my own for almost 4 years.

I tried online dating because that's the only way I can meet men since all men at work are gay or married (as a matter of fact in my country gays are also married often). But I find it exhausting as there are so many dishonest, unavailable men on these sites that it can take you a lot of contacts before you even meet just a decent guy you can go out and have a drink with.

I am also a highly sensitive person so I cannot just shake all these experiences off easily. So right now I am no longer doing online dating as apart from work I have started evening classes. I am taking a sabbatical from dating.

 

Slowly I am coming to terms with the fact that I might never find that relationship I am so longing for. And with the fact that I am leading a rather solitary life. As a HSP and INTJ I find people sometimes so draining that just being at home is heaven for me. Still it would be nice to have more friends I can share things with for starters and the icing on the cake would be a life partner. Not sure he will ever show up though I really think that I deserve one.

 

In the mean time I try to make the best of it. I have a lot of things going for me: a career which gives me sufficient financial security and room to travel and make my life easy, my own apartment in a city where there is a lot to do, no major health issues.

 

You know what I sometimes think? That when it comes to having a partner, the world is divided into "have's" and "have not's". I feel that people who were in relationships since they were young, and got married at a certain time are in the circuit of the "have's". Yes they might divorce at a certain moment but they will rather quickly get back together with a new person. Together with that comes the fact that they always seems to have loads of social activities. I think one of the reasons is that couples hang out with couples and people with kids hang out with people with kids. If for some reason you never got into the circuit of the "have's" you have more difficulty to become one of them.

I see this for example when I dated online as a never married woman without kids. Some divorced guys with kids (which are totally OK for me as a partner) are very suspicious. There was even a guy who mailed me straight away to ask if I had ever been in a longterm relationship. As if he was afraid that my relationship CV would not be full enough. As a matter of fact it is not that full. But I don't think that says anything about my ability to love someone.

Edited December 18, 2013 by PinkInTheLimo

[PinkInTheLimo]

This is a cliché but you will find love when you least expect it. I met my husband on a blind date and I had already given up on men.

 

This remark is made often, and it is always made by someone in a relationship, but it is a very hurtful remark.

It's basically putting the blame on us singles for wanting to be in a relationship and telling us to no longer want it because that's when it is going to happen. But if we do no longer want it is they why would it still be interesting to us?

 

Let's say someone wants a job. Will we tell this person that they certainly should not expect to find a job and that that's how they will find one?

 

In your case, the remark certainly does not make sense because you said you had given up but you went on a blind date. So you were still expecting and hoping something.

 

From what I see people meet their partner in the most different ways. Some women search in a businesslike way and I know some who found a guy that way. Some take life just as it comes and they meet someone. Some are leading a happy single life and don't feel the need for a guy and all of a sudden there is a guy they can't live without.

Others perceive love as something elusive (I know I do) and take some hesitant steps from time to time because they still want to hope that it is possible.

 

One thing is sure: single life would be a lot more pleasant if we single women would not have to deal with the insensitive comments from married people anymore!!! It's come to the point where I don't even want to talk about how painful being single sometimes is to married people. It's like they are totally uncapable to show some empathy. Being single in your late forties is not comparable with being single in your twenties...

[Iguanna]

We always like to say that age has nothing to do with anything and we shouldn't compromise etc, but in my opinion age has to do with everything. When I was 20, 25, I could "lose" some years with a bad guy, a loser, someone with whom I had no future, cause I was young and I could make mistakes. When I decided that what I want in my life was a family, I had to quit fooling around and being stupid and I raised my standards not for me anymore but for my future kid. I was lucky but I found a great person who was firstly "judged" by me as a good father rather than a partner, and he knows it.

 

Everyone says "lower your standards and you'll find someone". I say the opposite. Up your standards so you don't lose any time with people that are not good enough FOR YOU. So you will get my favorite filtering system, through which you can reject these not made for you. Now you may ask me "hey girl, do you consider yourself to be the goddess so you can reject people that easily?". No. I'm just aware of my strong points and I expect these points from the other person as well. I'm honest and I expect honesty. I'm fair and I expect fairness. And so on.

[d0nnivain]

PinkIntheLimo

 

I was single in my 40s but I had never given up hope. I just changed my techniques.

 

What worked in college where everybody was looking to hook up, & carried forward a bit in my 20s in bars etc. when everybody was flush with the successes of their budding careers & looking to settle down didn't work in my late 30s, early 40s.

 

I didn't even know where to look. At least around here, there weren't really singles bars for my age group.

 

I read a lot of self help books on the subject & a lot of them were cr@p. I remember one that actually started with the reminder that one should bathe before a date. With that as the baseline, I didn't hold out much hope. I kept reading. I suppose the most common theme was that you have to employ a variety of methods & look in unconventional places. OLD is only 1 tool; for me it was not a very effective one.

 

FWIW, I met the man who is now my husband at business card exchange. We were both there to get new business. I also enjoyed the people I met at certain MeetUp.com groups including a game night one where people hung out & played board games. You learn a lot by playing Monopoly with someone. lol There are interest based groups: wine, beer, animals, politics, golf, etc. I met some nice guys in a group where I could bring my dog. I signed up to go SpeedDating but never went because the organizers kept cancelling the events for lack of enough men.

 

I do recomend the business like approach. On some levels you treat it like a job search. Be confident in who you are & what you have to offer somebody in a relationship. Don't compromise just to have someone in your life.

 

Good luck.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Everyone says "lower your standards and you'll find someone". I say the opposite. Up your standards so you don't lose any time with people that are not good enough FOR YOU. So you will get my favorite filtering system, through which you can reject these not made for you. Now you may ask me "hey girl, do you consider yourself to be the goddess so you can reject people that easily?". No. I'm just aware of my strong points and I expect these points from the other person as well. I'm honest and I expect honesty. I'm fair and I expect fairness. And so on.

 

I totally agree and it's not because I am almost 50 that I am going to lower my standards. When you are older you know better what works and what does not. The bottom line is that the guy in question should make my life better not worse. If you are in good shape and lead a healthy life style then it would be a mistake to date a guy who is overweight because his unhealthy life style will create problems for you: he will have health problems, your sex life will suffer from it, you will not be able to do dynamic activities together, etc...

 

I think that in the past women put up with a lot of bad behaviour from men because they were financially dependent from them. No that this is no longer the case women can afford to have higher standards.

[jimloveslips]

I see others become couples and I wonder when will it be my time?

 

I'm an old married guy, so maybe my advice isn't pertinent to the dating scene now, but the only way to meet people is to meet people!

 

But I don't mean people you want to date!

 

What do you like doing? Find some people that like doing it too, and don't go there looking for romance, or a relationship, turn all that love/sex radar off, go and have a good time. Make some friends, hang out, get to meet their friends, hey we're all going for a beer at Danny's later...

 

Get out of the rut, by having some fun with friends without any life long commitments!

 

Nothing attracts better than a happy person!

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm an old married guy, so maybe my advice isn't pertinent to the dating scene now, but the only way to meet people is to meet people!

 

But I don't mean people you want to date!

 

What do you like doing? Find some people that like doing it too, and don't go there looking for romance, or a relationship, turn all that love/sex radar off, go and have a good time. Make some friends, hang out, get to meet their friends, hey we're all going for a beer at Danny's later...

 

Get out of the rut, by having some fun with friends without any life long commitments!

 

Nothing attracts better than a happy person!

 

 

I do that and I meet person after person who ore in relationships. Married even. Yet they want to fool around. At one time in my life I would go along with it. Now a days I know better than to do that. It never makes me as full filled as a real relationship could.

[PinkInTheLimo]

PinkIntheLimo

 

I was single in my 40s but I had never given up hope. I just changed my techniques.

 

What worked in college where everybody was looking to hook up, & carried forward a bit in my 20s in bars etc. when everybody was flush with the successes of their budding careers & looking to settle down didn't work in my late 30s, early 40s.

 

I didn't even know where to look. At least around here, there weren't really singles bars for my age group.

 

I read a lot of self help books on the subject & a lot of them were cr@p. I remember one that actually started with the reminder that one should bathe before a date. With that as the baseline, I didn't hold out much hope. I kept reading. I suppose the most common theme was that you have to employ a variety of methods & look in unconventional places. OLD is only 1 tool; for me it was not a very effective one.

 

FWIW, I met the man who is now my husband at business card exchange. We were both there to get new business. I also enjoyed the people I met at certain MeetUp.com groups including a game night one where people hung out & played board games. You learn a lot by playing Monopoly with someone. lol There are interest based groups: wine, beer, animals, politics, golf, etc. I met some nice guys in a group where I could bring my dog. I signed up to go SpeedDating but never went because the organizers kept cancelling the events for lack of enough men.

 

I do recomend the business like approach. On some levels you treat it like a job search. Be confident in who you are & what you have to offer somebody in a relationship. Don't compromise just to have someone in your life.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for your story. It's good to know that someone meets her husband in her forties.

 

I am at a point where I am simply not interested in applying this or that technique. Like you I read a lot of selfhelp books (I sometimes joked to friends that I could open a library) but a lot of the advice did not work for me. And some of the advice also kept me longer than necessary in my last relationship, in which I was lured by a married man who was a very good liar. I have to say that that relationship has hit me very hard. I am afraid to trust someone again, I admit that. Before that relationship I was sure it would happen to me but now I find it hard to believe that it is possible. I basically never had a normal relationship where I felt really loved so I cannot look back on anything succesful.

 

I've tried some online dating but decided in March that I would stop for a while. I have started an evening class (almost all women there and the men there are younger and married) and I want to do some reorganising at home and honestly that gives me more positive energy than uninteresting dates.

For the rest my life is work, study, household chores, eat, some sport, sleep. I would do more entertaining activities if I had more time but right now everything goes to study and work.

 

My conclusion after years of reading selfhelp books is that everyone has to chose the technique which feels right for them. I cannot approach it business like. For me it just has to happen without thinking about it. Right now I just try to enjoy the things that keep me busy as much as possible and we will see if anything happens.

[Disillusioned]

Honestly, I'm not sure I even want my time to come.

[trevzilla]

I'm an old married guy, so maybe my advice isn't pertinent to the dating scene now, but the only way to meet people is to meet people!

 

But I don't mean people you want to date!

 

What do you like doing? Find some people that like doing it too, and don't go there looking for romance, or a relationship, turn all that love/sex radar off, go and have a good time. Make some friends, hang out, get to meet their friends, hey we're all going for a beer at Danny's later...

 

Get out of the rut, by having some fun with friends without any life long commitments!

 

Nothing attracts better than a happy person!

 

As I said, I had a very broken home growing up. I meet loads of women, but apparently there's something about me they don't like because even if they are initially physically attracted, it just dies when they get to know me. I'm not a terrible person, I'm not wonderful, I'm just flawed like everyone else, but I can't attract a woman to save my life. So to say just get out there and meet people misses the point with me. That's why I stopped going out, because when you pursue dozens and dozens of women over a 5 year period (I've even asked lots out in public places) and not one relationship materializes you realize that it really isn't them, it's me. My friends love me, and women who work with me always say I'm a catch and can't understand why I'm single, so evidently I'm making bad initial impressions and I can never get a woman to take a chance on me long enough to get to know me.

 

I've observed that people who grew up in relatively stable home's with a mother and father and siblings seem to easily form relationships and aren't single for long, as they know how to interact and make connections with people. People like me, who grew up with a junkie for a father and a abusive drunk for a mother, can't connect and are probably destined to be alone or in dysfunctional relationships. My only long term relationship was with my ex wife and I've been told it was a classic fixer relationship. Coming from a broken home I gravitated to a woman who was completely self absorbed and poured myself into her to try and help her out. Naturally that was a disaster and ended. So I'm pretty sure that in love, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer as I become more and more isolated.

 

So, while telling someone who is well adjusted to get out there and meet someone is sound advice, for some of us you may as well be describing a sunset to a man who has been blind his whole life. I have no freaking clue how to connect with women.

Edited December 19, 2013 by trevzilla

[Mrlonelyone]

The most annoying thing about the "if you stop looking love will find you" advice is that there's nothing you can do to proactively end our single status.

 

 

Then it is often said in a way that comes across as judgmental and smug.

 

 

That said, it is very true that love often finds us when we least expect it. For example my last relationship started out with someone I had met and dismissed as annoying. She spilled her coffee and I helped her clean it up. We made eye contact and talked and that was it.

 

 

I've had numerous relationships that started out in that "when you least expect it" kinda way. For me getting an R off of online dating or going to the bar would be really new.

 

 

The thing that always gets in my way, as trevor noted, is that I am not a normal, well adjusted plain white bread kinda person. My lovers always face a degree of social censure for being with me. I am racially ambigous so no matter who I choose we get the side eye. I am bi, and that is true no matter the sexuality.

 

 

The problem many of us have had isn't finding love, for a time, or attracting people, who stick around for a little while. We have trouble finding "the one" or one of "the ones". Finding a truly healthy relationship with someone who we truly love and who loves us warts and all. It does not need to be all perfect.

 

 

 

 

When my time comes I'll have found one of the couple of people who will be in my life for decades. We will love eachother, and have/adopt children, and love them. We will do this bravely and selflessly, and to hell with the bigots.

[Beast_117]

As I said, I had a very broken home growing up. I meet loads of women, but apparently there's something about me they don't like because even if they are initially physically attracted, it just dies when they get to know me. I'm not a terrible person, I'm not wonderful, I'm just flawed like everyone else, but I can't attract a woman to save my life. So to say just get out there and meet people misses the point with me. That's why I stopped going out, because when you pursue dozens and dozens of women over a 5 year period (I've even asked lots out in public places) and not one relationship materializes you realize that it really isn't them, it's me. My friends love me, and women who work with me always say I'm a catch and can't understand why I'm single, so evidently I'm making bad initial impressions and I can never get a woman to take a chance on me long enough to get to know me.

 

I've observed that people who grew up in relatively stable home's with a mother and father and siblings seem to easily form relationships and aren't single for long, as they know how to interact and make connections with people. People like me, who grew up with a junkie for a father and a abusive drunk for a mother, can't connect and are probably destined to be alone or in dysfunctional relationships. My only long term relationship was with my ex wife and I've been told it was a classic fixer relationship. Coming from a broken home I gravitated to a woman who was completely self absorbed and poured myself into her to try and help her out. Naturally that was a disaster and ended. So I'm pretty sure that in love, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer as I become more and more isolated.

 

So, while telling someone who is well adjusted to get out there and meet someone is sound advice, for some of us you may as well be describing a sunset to a man who has been blind his whole life. I have no freaking clue how to connect with women.

I have this same problem. I see a girl showing interest but as soon as we start talking she loses interest. I sense their disappointment and that sucks