Is it too much if I ask my bf that I like a goodnight text everynight?

[MissBee]

Agree.

 

I always loved that while my fiancé and I were in the dating stages, I heard from him every day. We never went a day without at least a little communication.

 

But it would have been completely meaningless if I had had to sit him down and tell him I expected a text every day, particularly a specific one. It's not a matter of calling you needy, it's just a matter of "it's the thought that counts." If a guy texts you every night because he genuinely wants to, that feels nice. If a guy texts you every night, and the thought behind it is "I'd better text her goodnight so she doesn't dump me," then isn't that kind of meaningless anyways?

 

I do agree with Ruby that you should drop a hint, such as "I love it when you send me goodnight texts, it really makes me smile before I fall asleep." But that's all the nudging I would give. It gives him the opportunity to knowingly do something that makes you happy out of choice.

 

If he still doesn't seem to catch on, you might be best off finding someone who does this of their own accord.

 

I agree with this.

 

I think all the nudging should be her saying she loves it when she gets goodnight texts and allow him to choose to be sensitive and attentive to that on his own. But I think it is very strange to have to formally request goodnight texts or any other sentimental thing, as it can quickly turn into some type of robotic chore you do versus something authentic.

 

I like goodnight messages but I also like men who are expressive and the men I tend to be compatible with are those who naturally call me or text me at night because they are thinking about me, not because I asked them to please send me goodnight messages nightly. There are some things that can be stated outright and be negotiated but I think some have to be more spontaneous and that if they require you requesting it, it may mean you aren't very compatible. Requesting a partner put the toilet seat down makes sense, requesting your partner text you nightly to say goodnight is very different.

 

But again, I would state that I enjoy that and have him go from there. I wouldn't flat out request it. However, stuff is new and with more time you will begin to see whether him not doing that is actually a bigger clue that you guys have very different emotional needs and whether it is too big a gap for you to be comfortable. We all have different love languages and need to date people who can honor that WITHOUT it making them greatly uncomfortable or so out of their comfort zone. You will not naturally do everything a partner likes but you're compatible when a lot of it is natural or when to make them happy you only have to adjust slightly or in ways that are comfortable to you. If you have to consciously adjust a lot or do things you really feel odd doing, then it's a sign you're not compatible enough to be together and be comfortable.

[RogerWallace111]

I'm as much of an independence advocate and laugher-at-the-whipped as anyone, but all these responses of "Get a grip! You can't ask for gestures of affection!"... I know there's a societal push to be super autonomous these days, but a girl wanting to hear from her boyfriend more than every other day, in a f*cking text message is not weird.

 

That being said, yes, she shouldn't push it beyond the casual "You know I like it when..." type suggestions. Because if the dude can't pick up on it, think "oh she'd like that, it's extremely f*cking easy and making her happy makes me feel good", then go do it... He's doing himself and her a disservice; wasting everyone's time. It's not about specific phrases, because yes, instructing someone to tell you they love you nightly or something would be silly & embarassing. It's the general principle of his being utterly-unconcerned with his girlfriend's life.

 

Honestly a guy whose interest in his lady only extends as far as texting her every other day is either a deliberately/defiantly-independent outlier with something to prove/show or just doesn't find her or the relationship rewarding enough to put anything into.

 

Nudge him to make more of an effort, and if it was him just being obliviously distant he can change. If not, take his actions as a simple indicator of how much he values you and enjoys interacting with you.

Edited December 17, 2013 by RogerWallace111

[Ruby Slippers]

Requesting a partner put the toilet seat down makes sense, requesting your partner text you nightly to say goodnight is very different.

I don't see the difference. They're both small gestures that make you feel happy and appreciated. I've asked my partners for all kinds of things, and they've done the same.

 

I like it when a guy puts the toilet seat down, but I care less about that than I do regular communication. That is, it wouldn't be impossible for me to overlook and live with annoying man habits like leaving the seat up - but I could never be happy with a lack of communication and attentiveness.

[Under The Radar]

Everybody has needs in a relationship and what those are is obviously going to vary. I always laugh when someone labels another person's needs as "needy" and in the same breadth proclaims that all of THEIR specific needs are the norm across the spectrum. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work like that. What it boils down to is making your partner feel special, comfortable, and respected ...... without being a doormat.

 

Personally, I'm not a big text messenger. I rarely do it and cannot even remember the last time I initiated one. However, if my girlfriend told me in a heart to heart conversation that a daily goodnight text was very important to her, I'd do it. Now, if she DEMANDED text messages, that would be another story. I'd see that as a major red flag and clear potential for a break up on the not so distant horizon.

 

However, once again, it's all in the approach. If she verbally expressed this "need" in a sweet and genuine fashion, explaining how valuable that type of thing was to her, why would I not want to give that to her?

 

Honestly, everybody is "needy" if you think about it; it's a matter of give and take. I guarantee everybody's SO's have to meet certain needs of theirs that they are not always excited about.

[Phantom888]

He either does it on his own, or he doesn't. My woman loves it when I text her good morning and good nights. But if she has to tell me to do it, then it defeats the purpose.

[Under The Radar]

He either does it on his own, or he doesn't. My woman loves it when I text her good morning and good nights. But if she has to tell me to do it, then it defeats the purpose.

 

 

It's all in the approach. Demanding it defeats the purpose, but explaining how it's important to you is another story. Teaching people what your specific needs and likes are is part of a healthy relationships.

[MissBee]

I don't see the difference. They're both small gestures that make you feel happy and appreciated. I've asked my partners for all kinds of things, and they've done the same.

 

I like it when a guy puts the toilet seat down, but I care less about that than I do regular communication. That is, it wouldn't be impossible for me to overlook and live with annoying man habits like leaving the seat up - but I could never be happy with a lack of communication and attentiveness.

 

Requesting to put the toilet seat down isn't about making me feel appreciated and loved...that's the difference. That's just a practical matter for me. Asking someone to message me nightly to say goodnight is something that is about emotions and feelings and something I see as authentic only if they want to do it. While we all have different needs, I would feel strange requesting something like that as if he isn't already thinking about me to say goodnight why should I ask him to and even if he agreed I would worry about if it was authentic. The men I have dated do this naturally, if a man didn't it would probably mean we're not very compatible, that's how I would read that. Everyone has to choose what things they need to be there naturally vs it being learned. For me, I can be with a man who has to learn to put the seat down. I would not want to be with a man whom I have to ask to tell me goodnight.

[hotpotato]

There isn't really much left to say that hasn't already been brought up...if a man asked me to tell him goodnight every night I would RUN......if you want to talk to him before you go to sleep call him...text him...something.

 

Me,too.

 

If you dont do it-and you will come short from time to time- it will be used against you.

 

The ex wanted me to send him random messages. I already did all the work, and he wanted me to do more. Yet he wouldn't send me random messages.

[somedude81]

Does he need to have a different, and unique way of saying 'goodnight' each time that he texts you? If he doesn't, you may be gripped with concerns that he is cut-n-pasting, or re-sending previously sent messages instead of typing afresh. Worse yet, if texts arrive at the exact same time every night, your heart may sink at the very real possibility that the texts are sent by an automated program, and that the text does not reflect a 'goodnight' that truly comes from the bottom of his heart.

Ha! That's exactly what I would do if I was dating a girl that needed a daily good night and/or good morning text.