Is my boyfriend a philandering loser?

[VeraLee]

My boyfriend of 9 months is a wonderful guy. He is the smartest person I know, nerdy in an adorable way, he is a gentle, sensual, sexy guy. He gives me a ton of attention, always texting to see how work is going, and when we aren't working we are usually together. He treats me wonderfully for the most part. If I need something, he will usually provide. He carried a heavy painting home from an art fair for me. I was sick and at 2am he went and got me medicine from the store. He compliments me often.

 

However there has been an issue that is just clawing at me. My boyfriend has given me reason(s) to doubt his integrity as it pertains to his commitment to me. He has a lot of girl "friends", and he is the typical nice guy that is usually friendzoned by them. We've had a few blow ups over some boundary issues, and I've even broken up with him. It only lasted a few days, as I was mostly upset that he didn't seem to realize what was appropriate or not with someone I wasn't too worried about. There was also a mutual friend who I think he may have had a crush on... one month into our own relationship. And sometimes I feel like he is always looking for validation and connection from other women.

 

I digress. But those are the smaller things.

 

The big thing is his "best friend". First of all, best friend is a pretty lose term coming from him. From my observations, she rarely returns contact, doesn't seem to know a whole lot about him or his life, and they just drink together with other mutual friends. I've seen her snub him even. She is the former best friend of his ex, actually.

 

Anyhow, I never had cause to worry about her, until three months into our relationship. He went to a party I didn't want to go to. She was there, she got violently ill, and he took her to the emergency room. It was pretty dramatic. He didn't get home until 8am the next day. He texted me then, and I came right over. Once I arrived, this fool was downing scotch and listening to sad love songs. He was barraging her with "are you ok, are you sleeping" texts. He had a long text conversation with her flatmate. He asked her out to dinner.

 

I felt uncomfortable, and asked if I should leave! He said no, cut out the weird crap, and we went to sleep for a few hours. He seemed somewhat normal after, and she gave him a curt "I'm ok, sleeping" text later that night.

 

I attributed it to the list of other small grievances with other girls. However, months later I am not sure. When they go out, sometimes the two of them to a concert, I am always invited but after she has decided to go home. If I don't attend a party with him, from pictures I can see that he is always standing or sitting near her. When I DO go to a party of his friends', he will forget about me for a few moments and go where she is. He does always come back to me, once he remembers I am there and that I don't know anyone. When they go out, he takes pictures of her, but not really any of his other friends. When they go to a mutual friend's wedding, she is his date, and he saves her nametag. Tons of little things like this, rubbing me raw after that sad morning after the hospital.

 

We spend so much time together, and I think he may be a little bit clingy, sometimes I just want to stay home alone. So I decline invitations to hang out with him and his friends. The other night, I texted him at 3am because I was feeling insecure and wondered where he was. He was still at his friends apartment, and only four of them were left. Him, another guy, HER, and her friend. They were "listening to music and dancing". In an apartment, at 3am, the four of them. I went berzerk! He came right over and we had a row.

 

Whenever I tell him how pissed or upset I am, angrily but coherently, he is always quiet. He denies any wrong doing and gets highly agitated when I suggest that we may have different values and standards in a relationship (and so maybe aren't compatible).

 

UGH. And now I am fixated on their relationship. I wonder if the reason he broke up with his ex, and her ex best friend, is because he liked HER more than his ex. He broke up with his ex because he didn't feel in love. When we first started seeing each other, he did the disappearing act 3 weeks in, before we were intimate. I thought he just needed time to heal after ending his last relationship. Now I wonder if it's because I came along before he had a chance to see if SHE would be interested in him.

 

I wonder if she sometimes snubs him and doesn't answer him when he invites her to do stuff with him is because she is trying to assert the friendzone on him.

 

I think he is mostly with me not just because I am so awesome as a GF, but because I am the "hot new girl" in his friend group, and I was so smitten with him so early on. All of our friends think I am out of his league, and he often says he doesn't know why I am attracted to him. He was shy and I was very encouraging, I didn't play any games. It's like to him I am the catch he doesn't want to let go of... IF he can't get it on with HER.

 

It's all so humiliating. I am a very passionate person, and I can't stand the thought of him thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. I am head over heels for him. It seems like mostly he is too, I mean I've met his entire family at his bequest already. I have spent the holidays with them. They love me. He has joked about marriage, and kids.

 

Also, he is an alcoholic (he has texted her to see if she is still out drinking at 2am). Just putting that out there too.

 

Someone set me straight!

Edited December 17, 2013 by VeraLee

[CrystalCastles]

Hm, it looks like there are a lot of red flags there.

 

I am a firm believer in being able to be friends with the opposite sex. 90% of my friends are men. My best friend is a man. Yet I have very firm boundaries on where our friendships lie and what I can and cannot discuss with my male friends. My partner would be placed above my friends, and in a social setting I would attend to my partner's needs first.

 

It doesn't sound like that's the situation for you. It seems like this skank friend of your bf's is overstepping a lot of boundaries, and that your bf is letting her. I would sit down and address this with your bf one last time. Tell him that it is bothering you. As your bf, he shouldn't simply be waving your concerns away, he should be addressing them. You don't sound like a controlling person to me, and how you're feeling is not unreasonable.

 

If he continues this behaviour, you walk. Accepting his disrespect for your relationship will only encourage him to continue because he won't be facing consequences.

[Emilia]

I have lots of male friends but we never overstep boundaries like this and I would be shocked if they behaved like your boyfriend does. From what I've read it sounds like he is in love with her.

[Happyfuzz]

Many of the members here have very valid points, take it from a guy, this guy is trouble.

I would goa as far as saying that he would possibly be the type I have seen before and hate.

The get married to a woman, whom the guy has made believe that he loves them.

Once they have a child he is out partying, drinking and cheating on her.

I don't mean to create a problem but I have seen these signs before.

No, I am not into guys, as a very straight guy I am into straight woman.

Just observations I have made over the years.

My suggestion is to sit him down, make sure you have someone who can contain him if need be, and have a real heart to heart chat.

If he becomes agggressive, abusive, accusing, or threatening don't fight with him.

Just say you are going now, hope he keeps well.

Then leave.

Signs to look for:

He may try to convince you to stay, many abusive relationship start that way.

I am not saying he will go that way, but from what you wrote up top, it sounds very much like he has those tendencies.

If I may be so bold as to ask, and you will need to answer this honestly for your self, does he say you are stupid, or berate and belittle you for any reason?

it may be in private, or it may be in public.

This kind of action usually starts in private and later moves into the public eye.

He may try make you believe that you need him for whatever reason you can imagine.

Remember, you are a strong, independent woman, and as much as a guys affection is nice, you don't need to be abused in ant way.

You need to find a man that appreciates you for who you are.

This doed not mean showering you with gifts, look for the small things that he may do.

One example, you may trying to do something and be struggling.

An abusive guy would say something like give here let me do that.

A guy who cares about you as a person might say "You seem to be struggling, may I help you?"

 

I hope You can sort this out, it is not a nice place to be in.

[crederer]

Your guy habitually crosses the line. Whether he's doing anything with this girl, or wants to do anything with her, is irrelevent. He doesn't respect your boundaries. Doesn't make him a bad guy (to me, it doesn't sound like he's done anything all that bad) but it sounds like you guys aren't a match.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This isn't going anywhere, I could tell the first time you said you broke up with him...you're obviously childish/immature yourself.

 

This is just going to continue back and forth back and forth...look the guy isn't a casanova, has no confidence and is used to working for a woman's attention.

 

You think he's just another guy not giving you his attention that you can play "how interested in me is he?" with...look this is not the guy, he's not that smart, he's not that good-looking, suave and everything else...he's stupid and transparent, this other girl probably strings him along for attention and he loves it because he's a doormat, would lick the floor she walks on if nobody was looking.

 

He probably doesn't even think he deserves you in a way, therefore wouldn't even value or respect you...you're giving him everything way too easy, you're being typical head-over-heals girl so he's got all the power then you play these little games to try and pull him back into you...but he's a pussy, and he's not that difficult, he's just in-love with this unavailable type of girl, I'm sure he gets off just by being around them chased them around at one point or another because he likes it.

 

It's all retarded and ridiculous at the end of the day, you just aren't old enough and wearing your big girl pants to know it yet...this isn't the guy for you, and you're not the girl for him, you both have a lot of growing up to do and taking responsibility for your own shet.

 

He won't stop drinking either, get a clue and walk away but like most people you're probably a magnet for drama even though you "don't like drama" yeah right, then just do the smart thing for once...but you can't, what a surprise.

 

Enjoy your roller-coaster relationship so you can soak yourself in your self-loathing emotions of trying to "control" him and feeling all vulnerable.

Edited December 18, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[beyondcrushed]

Hm, it looks like there are a lot of red flags there.

 

I am a firm believer in being able to be friends with the opposite sex. 90% of my friends are men. My best friend is a man. Yet I have very firm boundaries on where our friendships lie and what I can and cannot discuss with my male friends. My partner would be placed above my friends, and in a social setting I would attend to my partner's needs first.

 

It doesn't sound like that's the situation for you. It seems like this skank friend of your bf's is overstepping a lot of boundaries, and that your bf is letting her. I would sit down and address this with your bf one last time. Tell him that it is bothering you. As your bf, he shouldn't simply be waving your concerns away, he should be addressing them. You don't sound like a controlling person to me, and how you're feeling is not unreasonable.

 

If he continues this behaviour, you walk. Accepting his disrespect for your relationship will only encourage him to continue because he won't be facing consequences.

 

Agree 100%. You lay it out for him ONCE. Then observe. If he does things that counteract how you feel i.e. pays attention to you, spends time with you, does things to show he's committed and into you, etc. But if he does this or does nothing and it still eats at you, this is clearly not the kind of bf or relationship for you. And you can do absolutely NOTHING to change him. And you shouldn't try. You deserve what you want. And its out there. So, walk on and find it.

 

And, no matter what anyone says about whether its ok to have friends or best friends of the opposite sex, it's all about how YOU feel. You know what you are willing to tolerate and think is appropriate and what you can't. And you either have to trust him and let it go. Or let him go and find someone who has similar ideas about friends of opposite sex as you. Doing either will be tough because you love him so much.

 

Overall, I think he has something for that one girl (his ex's bf). Trust your gut.

Edited December 18, 2013 by beyondcrushed

[soccerrprp]

Oh, boy, another deluded definition of a wonderful guy or girl. He is not wonderful. He has boundary issues and seems a lot off to me.

 

You down-play that fact that you question his integrity. You down-play the fact that you've already broken up once b/c of issues with other women, you say he's an alcoholic, etc. Excuse me, but how is he "wonderful?"

 

Lay out the boundaries to him and do not budge. If he can't see there's a problem then walk.

 

He's not a wonderful guy in my humble (male) opinion.

[Space Ritual]

My boyfriend of 9 months is a wonderful guy. He is the smartest person I know, nerdy in an adorable way, he is a gentle, sensual, sexy guy. He gives me a ton of attention, always texting to see how work is going, and when we aren't working we are usually together. He treats me wonderfully for the most part. If I need something, he will usually provide. He carried a heavy painting home from an art fair for me. I was sick and at 2am he went and got me medicine from the store. He compliments me often.

 

However there has been an issue that is just clawing at me. My boyfriend has given me reason(s) to doubt his integrity as it pertains to his commitment to me. He has a lot of girl "friends", and he is the typical nice guy that is usually friendzoned by them. We've had a few blow ups over some boundary issues, and I've even broken up with him. It only lasted a few days, as I was mostly upset that he didn't seem to realize what was appropriate or not with someone I wasn't too worried about. There was also a mutual friend who I think he may have had a crush on... one month into our own relationship. And sometimes I feel like he is always looking for validation and connection from other women.

 

I digress. But those are the smaller things.

 

The big thing is his "best friend". First of all, best friend is a pretty lose term coming from him. From my observations, she rarely returns contact, doesn't seem to know a whole lot about him or his life, and they just drink together with other mutual friends. I've seen her snub him even. She is the former best friend of his ex, actually.

 

Anyhow, I never had cause to worry about her, until three months into our relationship. He went to a party I didn't want to go to. She was there, she got violently ill, and he took her to the emergency room. It was pretty dramatic. He didn't get home until 8am the next day. He texted me then, and I came right over. Once I arrived, this fool was downing scotch and listening to sad love songs. He was barraging her with "are you ok, are you sleeping" texts. He had a long text conversation with her flatmate. He asked her out to dinner.

 

I felt uncomfortable, and asked if I should leave! He said no, cut out the weird crap, and we went to sleep for a few hours. He seemed somewhat normal after, and she gave him a curt "I'm ok, sleeping" text later that night.

 

I attributed it to the list of other small grievances with other girls. However, months later I am not sure. When they go out, sometimes the two of them to a concert, I am always invited but after she has decided to go home. If I don't attend a party with him, from pictures I can see that he is always standing or sitting near her. When I DO go to a party of his friends', he will forget about me for a few moments and go where she is. He does always come back to me, once he remembers I am there and that I don't know anyone. When they go out, he takes pictures of her, but not really any of his other friends. When they go to a mutual friend's wedding, she is his date, and he saves her nametag. Tons of little things like this, rubbing me raw after that sad morning after the hospital.

 

We spend so much time together, and I think he may be a little bit clingy, sometimes I just want to stay home alone. So I decline invitations to hang out with him and his friends. The other night, I texted him at 3am because I was feeling insecure and wondered where he was. He was still at his friends apartment, and only four of them were left. Him, another guy, HER, and her friend. They were "listening to music and dancing". In an apartment, at 3am, the four of them. I went berzerk! He came right over and we had a row.

 

Whenever I tell him how pissed or upset I am, angrily but coherently, he is always quiet. He denies any wrong doing and gets highly agitated when I suggest that we may have different values and standards in a relationship (and so maybe aren't compatible).

 

UGH. And now I am fixated on their relationship. I wonder if the reason he broke up with his ex, and her ex best friend, is because he liked HER more than his ex. He broke up with his ex because he didn't feel in love. When we first started seeing each other, he did the disappearing act 3 weeks in, before we were intimate. I thought he just needed time to heal after ending his last relationship. Now I wonder if it's because I came along before he had a chance to see if SHE would be interested in him.

 

I wonder if she sometimes snubs him and doesn't answer him when he invites her to do stuff with him is because she is trying to assert the friendzone on him.

 

I think he is mostly with me not just because I am so awesome as a GF, but because I am the "hot new girl" in his friend group, and I was so smitten with him so early on. All of our friends think I am out of his league, and he often says he doesn't know why I am attracted to him. He was shy and I was very encouraging, I didn't play any games. It's like to him I am the catch he doesn't want to let go of... IF he can't get it on with HER.

 

It's all so humiliating. I am a very passionate person, and I can't stand the thought of him thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. I am head over heels for him. It seems like mostly he is too, I mean I've met his entire family at his bequest already. I have spent the holidays with them. They love me. He has joked about marriage, and kids.

 

Also, he is an alcoholic (he has texted her to see if she is still out drinking at 2am). Just putting that out there too.

 

Someone set me straight!

 

You are dating a real life version of George Costanza searching for Marissa Tomei....lol