Sister in abusive relationship

[blueberry23]

Hi,

 

I'm just wondering if anyone can help. My sister has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 8 years. During this time I have seen my sister nearly leave her boyfriend on several occassions due to his aggressive behaviour, blaming her for his career not being where he wants it to be and many times threatening to kill himself. The times where she threatened to leave he physically stopped her by blocking her path and not letting her walk away, basically manipulating her to stay. More recently he became violent in their home by smashing up things including her belongings, intimidating her and once again blaming her. My sister came round to my home the day after, and admitted she didn't want to go back because he was there, and texted him to leave so she could go home, which he refused to do. Despite my attempts to stop her, she went home and things went back to normal.

 

My sister claims things have been sorted and that she's now happy because he's making an effort and is 'changing'. Myself and my brother feel we can no longer stand by and accept this behaviour and are refusing to go back to 'normal' like my mum has. This happened several months ago and I have not seen or heard from her boyfriend. At the same time, I haven't gone out of my way to break them up nor have I brought him into conversations since this has happened. Instead, myself and my brother are being blamed for not sweeping things under the carpet and accepting invitations to see them both. I have also been told I'm making things difficult and that it has nothing to do with me, it's just between them as a couple. This I find hard to stomach, as it is quite frankly not as black and white as that. I am there for her as a sister if she ever needs my help, however it is not in my nature and I do not believe in being fake and making things easier for him, when quite frankly my family are owed an apology.

 

I'm not quite sure what advice it is that I am asking, but my main concern is that my sister is extremely distraught that I won't go back to 'normal' and this is upsetting to see. Even though I know I have not created the problem and I am not doing anything wrong, it's extremely difficult to see my sister so upset and to hear that I am stopping her happiness. I have every intention for my sister to remain in my life, and to see her as much as possible, and on the occassions I will probably see her boyfriend I will be civil, however I refuse to make things easy for him.

 

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Thanks in advance x

Edited December 17, 2013 by blueberry23

[ThatMan]

I have lived through this. My Ex committed all of those acts and then some. When another human being threatens to commit suicide unless you give them what they want, your relationship with them becomes a hostage situation. This is an extremely violent form of manipulation called emotional blackmail. Your sister has to give into his demands or else he'll kill himself and make sure that she understands that it would be all her fault. But it isn't her fault. Your sister needs to be told that it isn't her fault.

 

It feels powerless and hopeless to watch on as a loved one is treated this way. The only thing you may do is provide options for her to willingly select from. You cannot force her to make better decisions and leave. Nothing is more frustrating than to note your sister's inability to do what seems plainly obvious. Emotional blackmail fosters a sense of hopelessness and obligation that robs your sister the mere perception of a way out. But there are certain things you may do for her:

 

The next time she asks for help during a short breakup there are options to suggest such as asking her to document everything. You just have to date bullet points of the events. You should call community and abuse centers for further aid. Visit the precinct in her jurisdiction and apprise a police officer of the situation. They will provide further tools to help.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ThatMan

[blueberry23]

Thank you to both of you for taking the time to reply. Although I have people around me who fully support my decision, it's good to hear from people who have been in this kind of situation and it also helps to hear from an outsider.

 

My biggest issue is the definition of the word 'abuse'. I have been told by my mum that because he doesn't hit her, then it's not that bad. Where do you draw the line? Why is it that once things have become physical then it's perfectly acceptable to label it 'abuse'? By that point I feel she will be too far gone. It's probably worth mentioning that my parents have been in a very similar situation during my entire life.

 

I'm also concerned that if things were to get worse, she would be less likely to ask for help as me and my brother have taken a stand. Even though my intention is for her to use that to her advantage if she ever wanted to get out, I'm worried she'd not want to be 'proved wrong'. Does that make sense? This isn't a game to me, and I'm not interested in proving points, but I do see that this may be pushing her away.

 

'That Man' - if you don't mind me asking, what was the tipping point for you? Did you ever experience a family member taking a stand the way I am doing?

 

'Keep Smiling' - it's really good to hear that you can see the positive in what I'm doing. Thanks for your support!

[ThatMan]

Quite frankly, it doesn't matter what your mother thinks. It shouldn't be any surprise she would say those statements if this way of life is all she's ever known. But the crux of the problem is in your sister's beliefs and not your own views or the views of your mother. She has to come to learn that this relationship is abusive and that she has to leave it through her own choice. Even a direct intervention won't change that. Do you see the problem? It sounds as though your sister grew up believing this behavior to be okay.

 

You should tread carefully. If you insert yourself into the situation then it's possible that both the victim and the abuser will collectively turn against you. Isolation is the greatest enemy and so long as your sister isn't isolated from you then she has the opportunity to come to you for aid. I believe that you should speak with an abuse counselor directly. Please consider it.

 

My own tipping point was the act of being psychically assaulted while recovering from surgery. Whenever my Ex would hold a four inch kitchen knife to herself, to me, and create threats, I felt unable to act because of a sense of obligation. She would lose her ability to teach with a criminal history. So as a man I felt obligation to deal with her antics on my own. Abuse is defined by actions that foster the destructive sense of fear, obligation, or guilt. I simply did not wish to become permanently disabled when she attacked me. So I did finally contact the police on my own.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ThatMan

[blueberry23]

Your'e absolutely right. I know that no matter what I say or do, this has to come from her, she just needs to know that I'm here for her if she ever needs me. My mum begun divorcing my dad earlier this year but caved in and went back to him. My mum and sister are very close, and my mum spent a lot of time around my sister whilst she was going through the divorce. I can't imagine that's helped my sister's mentality.

 

Unfortunately I don't have the money for counsellor but I'll look into alternatives and see if there's any free professional help available (I live in the UK).

 

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you were in, but it's so good to hear you put yourself first and made the right decision for your life and your health. I just hope my sister does the same. Thanks again for your advice.

[ThatMan]

Right - I'm pretty sure that the UK at large offers community outreach for victims of domestic violence. I think it's a good idea to look into those programs for resources to help. Those resources should hopefully include free counseling from trained volunteers. I imagine the authorities can offer you a list of organizations and their contact information.

 

I cannot stress enough that isolation is the enemy. Just by being there you can provide support to your sister.