Decoding His Mixed Signals

[missannoyed]

:(I need help to analyse a situation... or mixed signals.

I will try to keep it as short as possible.

 

backstory:

we worked together.. he was married I am single.. he's older...started to like each other.. I left the company.. he said goodbye and cried, tried to kiss me.. and we continued to catch up afterwards during lunchbreaks. We were best friends first. He said he really cared about me..etc

 

Just recently I needed him emotionally, as someone close to me passed away.. I just wanted him there as a friend. He started to become really cold. not replying to messages and when he did he would speak to me like a stranger.. which hurt. He always wants to catch up for lunch so I asked him to have lunch with me as usual.

 

He Agreed but then TOLD me he would be bringing Ashley.. (my old friend from work) I was a little bit annoyed as he's never wanted to bring anyone on one of our lunch dates before... I called him out on it... he said ok just you and me then and I will let her know that I have seen you"... Why would he "let her know?" Yes I was friends with her at work, but he wasn't.

 

So I emailed her to find out more info without mentioning lunch.

Her reply was very friendly, she misses me, and then she invited herself to lunch with me and MM. She said " ***** tells me you might be catching up soon, and yes I would love to see you"....

 

I got mad with him and confronted him about ignoring me sometimes, he's reply was: I want to call you sometimes but you don't answer point taken and all I ever wanted to do was talk..... (I didn't answer twice as my relative was in hospital) he turned it around on me that we are drifting apart. I told him to have fun with his new gf.... he didn't reply... I'm not sure if he didn't reply because it's true or he thought I was being immature.

 

So my questions are...

1. He can tell he is making me jealous, but he keeps going, even after I told him about someone close to me passing away. Is he being like this on purpose? Is he scared that the A will advance if it's just me and him at lunch or do you think he generally likes Ashley now? (to clarify - Ashley is early fifties, doesn't dress nice, and smells a bit.)-- I know that sounds horrible but it's true.

 

I told him not to worry about lunch and to not contact me again.

He didn't even put up a fight, he just replied with "ok".. strange because just days before that he was inlove with me....apparently anyway.

I know I deserve all this for being the OW, but i'd just like to Know WHY he's done this to me????????

 

2. Why?? why does he tell me he loves me and would be so happy to see me again, and then a few days later speak to me like an actual stranger and make me jealous, even after I tell him about my mother passing away???

 

3. Does anyone have any Mixed Signals that MM pulls on them??

[Popsicle]

Is he being like this on purpose? Is he scared that the A will advance if it's just me and him ...

 

Just a guess, but I'm going with this.

[trailrunner1975]

Why does not matter. Take this opportunity to see how he really is and RUN! My ex MW diid a lot of these things towards the end of our A. Her indifference to a friend of mine dying really cleared the A fog. I bolted and never looked back. My only regret is that I dwelled on "why" with previous actions like these on her part.

[bmh]

Is it possible his wife found out about you?

[Nothisgirl]

Just a guess, but I'm going with this.

 

I'm on the other side of the fence and think this has nothing to do with it. I think he's just being a narcissistic *******...I don't like that the minute you need him and it's not all about him getting your attention he flakes out on you...

 

I think you should block him from whatever you can and run as fast as you can before you get in any deeper. I'd also warn your friend Ashley to stay away from him..you deserve more

[imfine]

Since you were down and "needed" him, he decided Ashley was his girl of the week because you actually needing something from him was, well, needy. You see, this is all about him and his needs. He tells you he loves you to keep you. He doesn't sound like much of a friend, especially not a best friend. If you stay in contact with him expect it to continue like this. All about him, never about you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm so sorry for your loss, condolences.

 

He is no 'real' friend and he has shown you this in his actions. It was a mistake to rely on him for emotional support, the way he reacted and treated you showed you who he truly is as well.

 

I told him not to worry about lunch and to not contact me again.

He didn't even put up a fight, he just replied with "ok".. strange because just days before that he was inlove with me....apparently anyway.

I know I deserve all this for being the OW, but i'd just like to Know WHY he's done this to me????????

 

He played you. He had fun (selfishly) and it was ego based, casual and not serious at all. He did it to you because you allowed him to. this is why relying on and befriending a MM is not a good idea. The lines were crossed and boundaries as well... Lesson learned, keep it light and casual with men you work with, rely on WOMEN friends to help you through hard times or a guy who you've known for a long time and is a real friend. Need to say (sorry don't mean this meanly) but reaching out to him for your emotional needs freaked him out and he did not want to be there for you on that level, it was too much for him to handle and also created in his head a thought that you were too serious about him.

2. Why?? why does he tell me he loves me and would be so happy to see me again, and then a few days later speak to me like an actual stranger and make me jealous, even after I tell him about my mother passing away???

You may never know the answer to that, you can guess but you need to make peace with this and let go, make yourself not care anymore at all. He isn't and never was your boyfriend, so don't look at it with that frame of mind. You took it all seriously, and to heart..He didn't, obviously. It hurts I'm sure, but please do not let him ruin you. He had no intention of being your shoulder, to be there for you. Men act like jerks and can be cruel when they can't deal with emotional stuff, so they do and say things to put a woman off, in hopes she'll get the hint and leave him alone. Instead of him directly telling you "look, I'm not that type of a person to help you through this, please call another friend or family member" sure you would have been hurt a bit, but at least that's honesty from him. Anyway, you did the right thing by telling him to leave you alone. Now, you MUST follow through and never speak to him again. He is NOT worth your time or energy. Let him go forever, move on, never look back.

[Ladydrib]

 

backstory:

we worked together.. he was married I am single.. he's older...started to like each other.. I left the company.. he said goodbye and cried, tried to kiss me.. and we continued to catch up afterwards during lunchbreaks. We were best friends first. He said he really cared about me..etc

 

Cried because you left? People don't cry when someone leaves a company. I think he was trying to pretend he had deep emotions for you. He was acting.

 

 

 

Just recently I needed him emotionally, as someone close to me passed away.. I just wanted him there as a friend. He started to become really cold. not replying to messages and when he did he would speak to me like a stranger.. which hurt.

 

 

He was cold because you needed him. He doesn't care about your needs. It's all about his needs. Comforting a grieving woman who he is not obligated to is not on his list of *fun* things to do.

 

 

He always wants to catch up for lunch so I asked him to have lunch with me as usual.

 

He Agreed but then TOLD me he would be bringing Ashley.. (my old friend from work) I was a little bit annoyed as he's never wanted to bring anyone on one of our lunch dates before... I called him out on it... he said ok just you and me then and I will let her know that I have seen you"... Why would he "let her know?" Yes I was friends with her at work, but he wasn't.

 

So I emailed her to find out more info without mentioning lunch.

Her reply was very friendly, she misses me, and then she invited herself to lunch with me and MM. She said " ***** tells me you might be catching up soon, and yes I would love to see you"....

 

I got mad with him and confronted him about ignoring me sometimes, he's reply was: I want to call you sometimes but you don't answer point taken and all I ever wanted to do was talk..... (I didn't answer twice as my relative was in hospital) he turned it around on me that we are drifting apart. I told him to have fun with his new gf.... he didn't reply... I'm not sure if he didn't reply because it's true or he thought I was being immature.

 

 

That's a manipulation tactic. He is making you think it's your fault. It's very manipulating.

 

As for the girl, it sounds like they may have something going on too.

 

So my questions are...

1. He can tell he is making me jealous, but he keeps going, even after I told him about someone close to me passing away. Is he being like this on purpose? Is he scared that the A will advance if it's just me and him at lunch or do you think he generally likes Ashley now? (to clarify - Ashley is early fifties, doesn't dress nice, and smells a bit.)-- I know that sounds horrible but it's true.

 

I told him not to worry about lunch and to not contact me again.

He didn't even put up a fight, he just replied with "ok".. strange because just days before that he was inlove with me....apparently anyway.

I know I deserve all this for being the OW, but i'd just like to Know WHY he's done this to me????????

 

 

My ex MM did these same confusing things. They will never stop and it will hold you hostage. The longer you stay the more warped your mind gets. You're 100% right that his words are not lining up. That's proof that he's lying. And why you ask? Because he can get you to do whatever it is that he wants you to do if he manipulates you. It's like he's directing a puppet. People like this are very skilled at it and will make you doubt yourself. Get out now.

 

 

2. Why?? why does he tell me he loves me and would be so happy to see me again, and then a few days later speak to me like an actual stranger and make me jealous, even after I tell him about my mother passing away???

 

 

Because he doesn't care about your feelings. He only pretends to care. If he really cared, he would comfort you when you were sad. He lies and tells you he loves you because then he can take whatever it is that he wants from you. Could be anything. Some examples include: he might just feel powerful gaining control over someone. Grooming you for sex or maintaining sec with you. Having a woman chase him. Etc. could be anything. But he's definitely manipulating.

 

 

3. Does anyone have any Mixed Signals that MM pulls on them??

 

Yes, I did. And he continued to pull my puppet strings so that I got in deeper and deeper. That's what he wanted and he crafted that response from me. I still find my mind bouncing back and forth questioning if he was sincere or if he was lying. That's the problem, when this type of manipulation occurs, they are so successful at controlling you because you do keep going back to their shows of tears and their professions of love.

 

GET OUT. Before you screw up your life.

[missannoyed]

Thank you for your feedback.

I know it doesn't matter now because I have gone NC...

 

Actions do speak louder than words, you're right. However it was just a shock to the system because he would always come running whenever I had the slightest problem and always be there to offer advice and fix things for me. I didn't expect him to cut me out. 2 days before he wanted to send me photo's of his kids and house ( don't know why )

 

He did mention that his W did know about me (not to the full extent) but told everyone at work he was trying to make his marriage work by taking his W out on a date and then the weekend afterwards someone asked him how it went and he said bad, he's wife stormed out on him in the restaurant... then he came over to my desk and said... you know what I want to do with you don't you, that's why my W is mad at me.

But other times he would tell me that he tells his W that we go out for lunch and she's fine with it.

 

I don't know why he had to make me more upset after I told him about my mum, he's reply was...."sorry to hear that, I had a bad day too.. blah blah blah me me me". I just thought we had a really close bond. I feel so stupid...

 

I'm the opposite of being needy and hate that I must have came across that way but he usually is always there for me...

 

I've been driving myself crazy trying to analyse and make sense of all of his little games and things he said and did. so thanks so much for giving me a better insight...

[nicepuzzle]

I walked away from my Xmm when he did that. I had a death in my family and he was the last one to pay condolense and came back after few months when I felt better to bed me. I recognized him and walked away from him from my heart, and continued played the same game as him and never slept with him. He came back after 6 years though and apologied and we finally slept and he was jerk again.

 

Just do NC and ignore him... and play the same game as him. He would come after yoiu for attention. thats what they do.

[imfine]

"I don't know why he had to make me more upset after I told him about my mum, he's reply was...."sorry to hear that, I had a bad day too.. blah blah blah me me me". I just thought we had a really close bond. I feel so stupid...

 

I'm the opposite of being needy and hate that I must have came across that way but he usually is always there for me..."

 

You only came across needy to HIM so don't feel bad about that. This was because he was using you for an ego stroke. Anyone real friend would have been there for you, instead of trying to dismiss your grief. Stay strong with the no contact. So sorry for your loss.

[missannoyed]

It's pathetic to say, but it's the jealousy thing that gets to me the most.

 

How he is inviting her on our lunch dates.

 

It kills me to even think he may have replaced me, I just don't know why he has to insinuate that to me. If there was something going on with him and her...... why rub it in my face... eghhhhh

[imfine]

Why? Hello cat, meet the mouse.

[Ladydrib]

It's pathetic to say, but it's the jealousy thing that gets to me the most.

 

How he is inviting her on our lunch dates.

 

It kills me to even think he may have replaced me, I just don't know why he has to insinuate that to me. If there was something going on with him and her...... why rub it in my face... eghhhhh

 

Because it's getting you worked up and giving him more control.

[missannoyed]

But...Why would he WANT "control" though... I don't understand it.

[Popsicle]

Since you were down and "needed" him, he decided Ashley was his girl of the week because you actually needing something from him was, well, needy. You see, this is all about him and his needs. He tells you he loves you to keep you. He doesn't sound like much of a friend, especially not a best friend. If you stay in contact with him expect it to continue like this. All about him, never about you.

 

It wouldn't be that big of a deal that she was "needy" if he were single. It IS a big deal to him when he is married, because he knows he can not be there for her in the way she needs, thus he acts scared of the A progressing. Sometimes it's better to take an out when the opportunity arises, even though your heart (body?) wants something else.

[Popsicle]

I personally don't think he was using the female coworker to make you jealous, but I could be wrong. Stranger things have happened. I think he was using her to act as an artificial barrier between you and him.

[Ladydrib]

But...Why would he WANT "control" though... I don't understand it.

 

Because if he has control he can have you when he wants you and drop you when he doesn't. And come back when he wants you again. The more control he has, the more likely he will be able to keep that cycle going. Control also makes you less risky in terms of if you'll tell his wife. It also gets you to accept less without him having to deal with the fall out of your disappointment. He may also get off on control. It might make him feel extra tough or extra desirable. He's probably a narcissist.

[Snipercatt]

“Is he being like this on

purpose?”

 

The question assumes that he attempts to make you jealous, with forethought. In reality, considering that this man is married, AND has formed an emotional attachment with you, he may naturally create triangulation in relationships in order to maintain control, from his perspective

 

“Is he scared that the A will advance if it's just me and him at lunch or do you think he generally likes Ashley now?”

 

 

It may not be that he is scared of your A advancing so much as that he is now in R with Ashley and doesn’t want Ashley to become disgruntled over his R with you.

 

“i'd just like to Know WHY he's done this to me????????”

Probably because he has formed a R with someone more convenient to him.

 

“Why?? why does he tell me he loves me and would be so happy to see me again, and then a few days later speak to me like an actual stranger and make me jealous, even after I tell him about my mother passing away???”

Perhaps because he was in R with you to satisfy his own needs, but with no intention of wanting to satisfy your needs.

[missannoyed]

The reason I think he may be purposely making me jealous is....

(not to sound rude, prententious, or shallow but I'm sure it will anyway) Ashley is in her mid 50's, she has grey hair, a nasal voice, not a great personality.. but single with no kids. She isn't that attractive. she's nice. but annoying.

 

and I'm early 20's dress well when I go to work, smell nice, and all that

 

he' late 30's. quiet attractive, not overly, but mostly charming.

 

she might be "more conveiniant" but I'm having a hard time believing he would choose her over me.. just comparing the two of us. It doesn't make sense.

 

(It makes me furious with myself that I'm jealous over a 50 year old woman is f**** up and not doing wonders for my self esteem ha)

 

I think you're correct about control. He knows it gets me bent all out of place yet still says and does things to make me jealous..

[missannoyed]

just to add to that last post**

 

(Before anyone attacks, yes this is mainly about me building back my own self esteem)

 

- I shouldn't be so harsh about another woman like that.... to be fair

she does have a great body for an older woman, very athletic, has an amazing nature to her (when she's not stealing my bread crumbs) and is actually fun to be around..

 

And if I compare myself to her, not to sound like a d*** but I'm 5'10, slim, tanned, long hair, light blue eyes, 21, have a very pretty face apparently, and I'm mostly well liked and respected at work and get along with everyone. I'm intelligent and mature for my age (most of the time, not in this scenario)

 

I know it's not all about looks but, he seems like a "visual creature" there's just no possible way he could be more attracted to her? well... he could be but I just don't know how.

 

 

...He has mentioned her boobs to me before. when me and him were "just friends".. he said "the guys" are into her because they think she has nice boobs"...... by "the guys" I know he secretly means him that thinks that... because not one single bloke at work found her remotely attractive.

 

He said "the guys" thought I was stunning and had a sweet face. (bleghh)

I just haven't felt rejection like this before and can't bring myself to face the fact that he may have fobbed me off for a 50 something year old woman.....

 

Yes. I do realise that I sound pathetic.

[Britain]

You are too involved in comparing yourself to others. Celebrate your own uniqueness, your own beauty. You have asked multiple times why he does this or why he does that. The answer is simply because he is an ass. He is making you insecure in order to give him leverage over you. And it seems to be working. In this type of relationship the questions will keep multiplying not lessen and the degree to which you seem to analyze situations, you will end up driving yourself insane. I do wish I could foretell it becoming all rosy and sunshine, but it rarely ends up that way.

[beach]

The dude is a selfish cheater and when you needed something from him - he proved he's not that guy.

 

He's married, remember?

 

And now he's juggling Ashley too!

 

You know where you stand now - stick with NC - and date available men.

[Lillyfree]

^this.

 

why are you so focused on poor old smelly ashley? focus on the fact the guy's married.

 

also, you refer to him being your friend, ashley being your friend, ashley and him being friends... i don't think you people really know what friendship is.

 

if you're intelligent, attractive, young and with great personality, how come you're satisfied with not even crumbs from a married guy almost double your age?

[whatatangledweb]

I'm not sure why most people think he is having an affair with your other coworker. To me it seems he brought someone you knew and liked in order to keep it from getting too friendly or crossing any lines. She seems to be an innocent sweet person who missed you and was looking forward to seeing you. It seems very cruel of you to say all these harsh things about her looks when you say she was your friend . And she was so thrilled to go see you.