Mind erasure and revenge

[inappfriendly]

I have been getting a lot of flack from other posters for still having exMM on my mind. In no way am I excusing my past behavior or even my current feelings but the memories cannot just be turned off like a switch. Trust me, I wish they could. I have runs of hours and sometimes DAYS in a row when I feel ok and like I am making forward progress then BAM, the thoughts of him hit me like a brick. Sometimes it is a song that speaks to me, other times it's a place we were together. With the memories come a flood of mixed emotions that I never imaged could co-exist. Mostly it is pain so debilitating it makes me wish I could just erase the past year from my mind and my heart. Unfortunately mind erasure is just not an option. I wonder if I will ever be ok again. Which leads me to feelings of vengeance. Though I have no evidence to support it, I feel like he is probably doing just fine, comfortable back in his life. If I ever really loved him, it seems like I should be happy for him. But feeling like he emerged unscathed while I am left in emotional ruins sometimes makes me so angry that I dream about seeking revenge.

Save your judgements and nasty comments. Trust me, I am only too aware of how despicable I am. Please just talk me down from this emotional ledge.

[trailrunner1975]

Revenge is not the way to go. Who cares what his status is at this point. If you do decide to seek revenge, remember that when doing so you need to dig two "graves" not one. One for him and one for you as revenge will take you down with him. Quit while you are still able to.

[imfine]

Oddly enough, the feelings you describe are what i felt when I was betrayed by my SO. You see, you are not despicable. You are experiencing what betrayal by the person you love feels like. It hurts so bad, worse than any physical pain. Never mind how you got to this point, you need to get out of this hell. Thoughts of vengeance still put the focus on xMM & continues to give him power in your life. Let the anger propel you to living your best life for you. Keep having those good days/weeks. As time passes, the pain will be less and less. Try to love yourself and don't let your past define you.

Edited December 17, 2013 by imfine

[halfalive]

I have been getting a lot of flack from other posters for still having exMM on my mind. In no way am I excusing my past behavior or even my current feelings but the memories cannot just be turned off like a switch. Trust me, I wish they could. I have runs of hours and sometimes DAYS in a row when I feel ok and like I am making forward progress then BAM, the thoughts of him hit me like a brick. Sometimes it is a song that speaks to me, other times it's a place we were together. With the memories come a flood of mixed emotions that I never imaged could co-exist. Mostly it is pain so debilitating it makes me wish I could just erase the past year from my mind and my heart. Unfortunately mind erasure is just not an option. I wonder if I will ever be ok again. Which leads me to feelings of vengeance. Though I have no evidence to support it, I feel like he is probably doing just fine, comfortable back in his life. If I ever really loved him, it seems like I should be happy for him. But feeling like he emerged unscathed while I am left in emotional ruins sometimes makes me so angry that I dream about seeking revenge.

Save your judgements and nasty comments. Trust me, I am only too aware of how despicable I am. Please just talk me down from this emotional ledge.

 

 

You are NOT despicable! I know exactly how you feel. But I'm going to warn you against doing anything vengeful. I did a couple of things that I highly regret....because now he is single and we started talking again. Things are now friendly but he will never be with me after what I did. I think we would have had a chance if I hadn't done that stuff. Hindsight is 20/20!

 

 

Anyhow, I started N/C again last week because talking to him was hurting me emotionally more than helping. I wish I could tell you how to just move on, but I'm learning it myself!

[whichwayisup]

Please just talk me down from this emotional ledge.

 

It is what it is...Accept it and make peace with it all. Forgiveness is something you need to do, for him but mostly for yourself. Read up on letting go, closure and peace. Check out baggage reclaim website, there's tons of blogs and helpful info on there.

 

You will have memories but those will fade over time. Surround yourself with your women friends who care about you and make you laugh! Give yourself 20 mins a day to think and miss him, then MAKE yourself stop and get busy. Take control back and as time goes on naturally you'll stop thinking of him so much. You need to be pro active and push yourself hard to want to work through this to get over him.

[RickFox]

I have been getting a lot of flack from other posters for still having exMM on my mind. In no way am I excusing my past behavior or even my current feelings but the memories cannot just be turned off like a switch. Trust me, I wish they could. I have runs of hours and sometimes DAYS in a row when I feel ok and like I am making forward progress then BAM, the thoughts of him hit me like a brick. Sometimes it is a song that speaks to me, other times it's a place we were together. With the memories come a flood of mixed emotions that I never imaged could co-exist. Mostly it is pain so debilitating it makes me wish I could just erase the past year from my mind and my heart. Unfortunately mind erasure is just not an option. I wonder if I will ever be ok again. Which leads me to feelings of vengeance. Though I have no evidence to support it, I feel like he is probably doing just fine, comfortable back in his life. If I ever really loved him, it seems like I should be happy for him. But feeling like he emerged unscathed while I am left in emotional ruins sometimes makes me so angry that I dream about seeking revenge.

Save your judgements and nasty comments. Trust me, I am only too aware of how despicable I am. Please just talk me down from this emotional ledge.

 

well when you find the answer you let me know. memories fade but they don't disappear. I deal with it every single day concerning my xap. I see her almost every day and while we don't speak the emotions it stirs up can be overwhelming. anger, sadness, bitterness, and all the memories..... you just go day by day.... it's all you can do. the only thing that kind of brought me peace was her telling me that after two years of trying to make her marriage work that it was still in the same place it was before. now, true or not, I can't care. she is no longer my cross to bear

[MissBee]

I have been getting a lot of flack from other posters for still having exMM on my mind. In no way am I excusing my past behavior or even my current feelings but the memories cannot just be turned off like a switch. Trust me, I wish they could. I have runs of hours and sometimes DAYS in a row when I feel ok and like I am making forward progress then BAM, the thoughts of him hit me like a brick. Sometimes it is a song that speaks to me, other times it's a place we were together. With the memories come a flood of mixed emotions that I never imaged could co-exist. Mostly it is pain so debilitating it makes me wish I could just erase the past year from my mind and my heart. Unfortunately mind erasure is just not an option. I wonder if I will ever be ok again. Which leads me to feelings of vengeance. Though I have no evidence to support it, I feel like he is probably doing just fine, comfortable back in his life. If I ever really loved him, it seems like I should be happy for him. But feeling like he emerged unscathed while I am left in emotional ruins sometimes makes me so angry that I dream about seeking revenge.

Save your judgements and nasty comments. Trust me, I am only too aware of how despicable I am. Please just talk me down from this emotional ledge.

 

How you're feeling is pretty standard. Lots of people feel this way at the end of a breakup that isn't mutual or ones that have nothing to do with As.

 

Trust me, you won't feel this way forever. It feels like you will, but having felt that way before twice, I can tell you: life eventually moves on until you can't even really remember how you felt back when it first happened. That's the good news! But it's a biaatch to get there!

 

Cliched as it is, the best revenge is moving on with your own life and faking it until you make it. Contacting this person or actively interfering in their life further will NOT make you feel better. It's like breaking NC. You feel desperate to do it, you get a high from it for a second, then usually there is a craaash as that person either doesn't respond in the way you'd hope, says something worse or does something worse or you end up saying and doing stuff you regret. Revenge often has the same effect. Channel your energies elsewhere. For me, I found writing emails I'd never send was often good enough to alleviate some of the tension and need to "do something." As well as posting about it or talking to even myself aloud and pretending it was this other person.

 

Everyone feels like the other person is skipping in the meadow and all is well. This may or may not be true, but instead of making it upset you, pretend skip in your own meadow until you do reach greener pastures. It's a process. The worst is the rollercoaster. Some days you feel great and like you're almost over it and another you're a blubbering, confused, sad mess. That is hard to deal with. I won't lie. For me that was the worst of my bad breakups, having a good day and not knowing when I'd be ambushed into a bad one or a bad week. I hated feeling good again only to feel badly another time. But it eventually evens out to where there are more good days than bad and eventually that person is no longer the determiner of your moods.

 

I often wished for mind erasure too . Didn't work. There's no magic pill or anything, you just go through it. It helped me to focus on ME though and try to find what lessons I needed to learn. This again my sound cliched, but for me it was 100% true! I spent almost a year lamenting and worrying about my ex's life, how he moved on, who he was dating, did he really love me, was he a narcissist etc and during that time I couldn't move on. When I changed my outlook to say "Even if he is a narcissist, never loved me, or he did, or he's dating someone else or he'll come back, I CHOSE HIM, and I am, still pining for him, WHY? What is going on with me? What is so great about him that I value?" I would start journaling about myself, my feelings, why I felt so hurt, what I wanted from him, why I wanted him and the more I started to examine my own motives, feelings, state of mind instead of externalizing and making it about him, it distracted me from thinking about him specifically and it also was something I genuinely could control: my own life and own part in the end of the R. When I did that it was like stuff moved in fastforward and I started to quickly accept things, process them and move on.

Edited December 17, 2013 by MissBee