we talked...so sad

[hotgurl]

We talked about marriage and he actually talked. He said part of it is that i am 20 years younger and haven't had that much experience. For example living different place.

 

Another point is he loves Vermont and has been trying to make a living and buy a house there since college. And I don't like Vermont. It's ok but it is very hard to make a living and I have reservations about it. He has lived all over the country and choose Vermont. I was dragged to NH from Chicago.

 

He said one day I might want to go for it and move to a city or live in Paris for a year(my dream) and he doos not want to prevent me from doing that.

 

Basically he is willing to travel ect. but wants to stay in Vermont and said I don't want you to feel a couple of years down the road that you resent me for keeping you here.

 

I am so sad. i don't know what to do and haven't slept well in two days.

[Bronzepen]

Sounds like he knows what he wants and is going to follow through with it.

 

You have to ask yourself, what do you want.

 

You know what you don't want to do (live in VT).

 

You said you were dragged from Chicago to NH. Maybe he realized that was a mistake and is now giving you a choice.

 

One way to look at, If you travel around the world, you will always know he is in VT if you ever want to go back to him.

[hotgurl]

He didn't drag me to NH. My mom remarried and moved to NH. I got pregnant early in life and stayed because college was cheaper in state. After school I tried getting a job in Chicago but no luck and got a job in VT.

 

The sad thing is since I am a single mom it's not like I am going to bop around the country. Even if we did break up I'd probably stay here because I need my parents help. I was thinking maybe after my daughter is in college.

 

So part of my restlessness is because I never partied at college or was able to expereince the freedom of college years because of my daughter. So I would have missed out on that anyways. I could be happy in VT as long as I can travel for vacation.

 

I do have decide and I just don't know. I love him so much but we are very diffeerent. It's agony.

[Bronzepen]

Well, now the picture is clearer. You left out alot of details in your first post.

 

You've answered your question already.

 

The only thing that you both don't agree on (from what you've written) is living in VT. He does and you don't.

 

Your willing to live in VT so long as you can travel for vacation.

 

He is willing to travel with you.

 

Your never too old to party.

[FolderWife]

I would live anywhere as long as that's where my husband is.

 

BUT, in the even of a divorce, I'm moving somewhere near a beach

 

Don't know if that would help you in your decision.....I feel like if I love someone, I'd live under a cliff to be with them

[tattoomytoe]

well you say you will more than likely STAY in VT, even if you do separate....so really, what is the big deal?

 

he is 20 yrs. older than you, has lived his early years out....unlike you, and he is over it. But you have a kid, so partying may be something you want to experience, but really you cannot, at least not like you could if you were a childless, care free, no responsibility youngster.

 

It all sounds like a load of non-issue excuses..... why should he marry you?

[hotgurl]

I'm the one who wants to get married. I posted before how long is too long.

Yeah I do have some issues with wanting to travel and not being able as much as I would like.

 

Also I have 40 yrs to work. He has about 20 and where we live it is very hard so I am worried if it's economically viable as well. Once you hit a certain level it hard to go further.

 

He was the one who brought up living in VT and the age difference as why is he cautious about marriage. He said I really need to think about it. I said well also how many times in your life do you meet someone who challenges you and makes you want to spend your life with them once or twice.

 

After we talked it just seemed so hopeless as how we can work out our differences. We talked again and he said we can compromise but I need to really think about what I want before I rush into it. He doesn't think I'd be happy here. He thinks I can move if I want and I shouldn't stay here just for my daughter. but honestly it's better for her. She has friends here and I am close t my parents. And I have some health issues so i need help from them.

 

This all came about because we are trying to buy a house in VT and I want an assurance of a future before I sign on.

 

Sorry if I am not being clear. I haven't slept much.

[mental_traveller]

From the sound of it these are not *major* issues, even though they're obviously important. Have you considered trying to compromise somehow? Maybe you can take frequent weekend trips somewhere a bit more exciting? Or just go out more, do more cultural activities, recreation etc. Some of the wildest parties I've been to have been in small villages or tiny places in the middle of nowhere - I supect it's a failing of adventurousness on your part (both of you). IMO you need to be more imaginative and outgoing, I certainly wouldn't wreck a seemingly good relationship for this. As for him not wanting to tie you down, IMO this is just him self-consciously trying to be "nice" and "mature". I suspect if you actually followed his advice, he'd be really cut up.

 

This definitely comes into the category of a problem that can be worked on and solved, not a relationship-breaker. Have you considered that maybe you are exaggerating the importance of all this? Read about Marc Anthony and Cleopatra, or Aung San Suu Kyi and her husband - they had to put up with a lot more crap than which town to live in, yet still managed to have a very strong relationship. And consider all the people who have serious problems - abuse, addiction, a dead marriage with no love, death of a spouse etc. Let's get some perspective here! Instead of feeling so sorry for youself, Just be optimistic, keep your chin up, and work it out! Good luck

[hotgurl]

thanks so much. You guys are right.

 

I think we'll take 1 vaca together and 1 seperate because he likes to do long backpacking/hiking trips and I don't. And try to do more road trips ect..The first year we were together we did a lot of weekend trip but that stopped when he got layed off and we haven't picked it back up again. We have been trying to do a ski trip buthere it gets cold and then rains so they have trouble making snow.

 

Thanks again adn it isn't much compared to what we've been through in the past 1 1/2. he got layed off, I got sick and had to time time off of work then went back part time for 6 mos. Financial stress. and a crappy lanlord threating eviction because he moved in.