Trying to understand the mind of a dumper

[Kevin_D]

I've been thinking a lot lately about dumpers and the way they handle things. Just be be clear, we're talking long term relationships (3+ years), with no abuse or cheating involved. Personally, I've never dumped someone, but I like to believe that I would handle it like this:

 

1. Try to fix the "problems" in every possible way (talking, couple therapy, trying new things, roleplaying, taking a break)

 

2. If things didn't get any better and I was forced to break up, I would tell her that I always be there for her as a friend, but that I respect if she wishes to go no contact with me.

 

3. I would contact her family and friends and thank them for all the good times we've had together.

 

4. I would avoid dating new women for at least a year, so that she doesn't have to deal with jealousy as well.

 

***

 

I guess I must be coming from another planet, because clearly this isn't the way things work. I read stories all the time about dumpers getting angry at dumpee's for no apparent reason, playing mind games, make their ex jealous on purpose, throwing breadcrumbs during the healing process, trying to project an image of themselves as much happier than before...

 

I don't know about you, but I hurt someone the slightest, I have a hard time sleeping at night. When I've done something really mean, I can't even look myself in the mirror because I'm so ashamed.

 

So I simply can't understand the dumper's mind. How can they live with themselves, knowing that their behaivour is causing so much pain and suffering?

 

My ex (6 year relationship) told me that she had been planning this for six months. And yet, the week before she spent five days at my house (it was her idea), had dinner with my family, told me she loved me, talked about moving in together, borrowed some of my stuff, asked me to help her fix her laptop.

 

A few days later, she broke up in the middle of the night, over the phone. She told me that she's much happier without me, that she's been planning this for a long time, that the relationship has been a mistake from the beginning.

 

Then she started posting FB statuses about how great her life is and she started to write flirty things openly to guys that she knew I was jealous of. And the funny thing is that I didn't even yell or call her names. I accepted her decision. She even told me how she admired how I handled the situation.

 

She says she loves me. She says I'm her best friend. Why on earth would she want to hurt me more than necessary? She's NEVER been cold before. Her biggest fear has always been that people are angry at her.

 

My mother has always been there for her. Helped her with her studies, invited her to their summer home every year and been extremely generous. She turned 70 about a week ago. Got no card, no message, nothing. She feels betrayed.

 

I want to understand. How can these people live with themselves? One of the first things I did, even though got dumped, was writing her father a letter where I told him how much I appreciated how welcome he had made me feel.

 

Can they really go out and date new people and feel genuinely happy, even though they know that their behaviour has hurt a lot of people, not just the dumper?

 

Are there any dumpers here than can shed some light on this? How can you suddenly switch off all compassion? How can you become so narcissistic that you stop caring about people that have helped you so much in the past? Can you really expect someone else to invest in a relationship, if you're going to walk away without a warning when something feels wrong?

[Haydn]

Kevin when they drop us they no longer need us for anything. The person you knew is gone. Does not matter what your principles are, they are not applicable to someone who wants out of the relationship. I have been dumped and tried to make sense of a girl who loved me on friday and dumped me on a saturday. There is just no way you will work it out. Push on with with yourself!

 

 

I've been thinking a lot lately about dumpers and the way they handle things. Just be be clear, we're talking long term relationships (3+ years), with no abuse or cheating involved. Personally, I've never dumped someone, but I like to believe that I would handle it like this:

 

1. Try to fix the "problems" in every possible way (talking, couple therapy, trying new things, roleplaying, taking a break)

 

2. If things didn't get any better and I was forced to break up, I would tell her that I always be there for her as a friend, but that I respect if she wishes to go no contact with me.

 

3. I would contact her family and friends and thank them for all the good times we've had together.

 

4. I would avoid dating new women for at least a year, so that she doesn't have to deal with jealousy as well.

 

***

 

I guess I must be coming from another planet, because clearly this isn't the way things work. I read stories all the time about dumpers getting angry at dumpee's for no apparent reason, playing mind games, make their ex jealous on purpose, throwing breadcrumbs during the healing process, trying to project an image of themselves as much happier than before...

 

I don't know about you, but I hurt someone the slightest, I have a hard time sleeping at night. When I've done something really mean, I can't even look myself in the mirror because I'm so ashamed.

 

So I simply can't understand the dumper's mind. How can they live with themselves, knowing that their behaivour is causing so much pain and suffering?

 

My ex (6 year relationship) told me that she had been planning this for six months. And yet, the week before she spent five days at my house (it was her idea), had dinner with my family, told me she loved me, talked about moving in together, borrowed some of my stuff, asked me to help her fix her laptop.

 

A few days later, she broke up in the middle of the night, over the phone. She told me that she's much happier without me, that she's been planning this for a long time, that the relationship has been a mistake from the beginning.

 

Then she started posting FB statuses about how great her life is and she started to write flirty things openly to guys that she knew I was jealous of. And the funny thing is that I didn't even yell or call her names. I accepted her decision. She even told me how she admired how I handled the situation.

 

She says she loves me. She says I'm her best friend. Why on earth would she want to hurt me more than necessary? She's NEVER been cold before. Her biggest fear has always been that people are angry at her.

 

My mother has always been there for her. Helped her with her studies, invited her to their summer home every year and been extremely generous. She turned 70 about a week ago. Got no card, no message, nothing. She feels betrayed.

 

I want to understand. How can these people live with themselves? One of the first things I did, even though got dumped, was writing her father a letter where I told him how much I appreciated how welcome he had made me feel.

 

Can they really go out and date new people and feel genuinely happy, even though they know that their behaviour has hurt a lot of people, not just the dumper?

 

Are there any dumpers here than can shed some light on this? How can you suddenly switch off all compassion? How can you become so narcissistic that you stop caring about people that have helped you so much in the past? Can you really expect someone else to invest in a relationship, if you're going to walk away without a warning when something feels wrong?

[Philosoraptor]

There is nothing to understand. They no longer WANT to be in the relationship anymore. They can use any logic, and any reason, they choose to end it. The reality is they no longer want to be in a relationship with you.

 

All they owe you is honesty, and by ending the relationship they honestly are letting you know that you are no longer part of their future. At that point they can go enjoy their life as they please. You can enjoy yours as well if you choose to do so.

[lauri]

The only thing you need to understand is that old person who made you feel happy is gone - long gone. As soon as they lose interest in you and don't need you anymore, they treat you like a piece of trash and throw you away.

 

Let them throw me away because ultimately in the end they did me a favour. Realize that you should never aspire to be with someone who hurt you the way that a dumper did...only solution is to move on and become a 10x better person for when Mr./Ms. Right comes along next so you can woo them and keep them.

[Kevin_D]

If I hurt someone, it doesn't really matter if it's a person I love or a person dislike. I will still feel bad. I will still have trouble sleeping.

 

I understand that dumpers "prepare themselves emotionally" and all that bs. What I don't get is how it can override common courtesy. If someone helps me with something, I will tell him/her "thank you" whether or not I wish to see him/her again.

 

The reasoning her seems to be "They don't want anything from you anymore blah blah blah", but that's still doesn't explain it. Only a pure narcissist would be able to dump someone out of the blue, leaving dumpee + dumpee's family and friends in complete misery, and act happy or even date other people shortly afterwards.

 

All they owe you is honesty, and by ending the relationship they honestly are letting you know that you are no longer part of their future.

 

Again, this is a quite narcissistic view on life. If I spend 100 hours to help you fixing your car, I think I can expect a "Thank you" or even a cup of coffee afterwards. It's common courtesy. How can you ever expect help from people if you just take, take, take without ever giving anything back?

 

Also, this is not just about getting over my ex. I want to understand the psychology behind this. Are most people narcissistic opportunists that really only care about their own feelings, or have I just been unlucky? There seems to be many stories here that are simular to mine. And yet, I would probably shoot myself in the head out of guilt if I treated someone else like this.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Kevin_D

[Haydn]

Kevin thats how people can be! Dont try to justify through your own morals!!!! Does not matter anymore, bollocks to being polite, she did not want you! Ignore her please.

 

 

If I hurt someone, it doesn't really matter if it's a person I love or a person dislike. I will still feel bad. I will still have trouble sleeping.

 

I understand that dumpers "prepare themselves emotionally" and all that bs. What I don't get is how it can override common courtesy. If someone helps me with something, I will tell him/her "thank you" whether or not I wish to see him/her again.

 

The reasoning her seems to be "They don't want anything from you anymore blah blah blah", but that's still doesn't explain it. Only a pure narcissist would be able to dump someone out of the blue, leaving dumpee + dumpee's family and friends in complete misery, and act happy or even date other people shortly afterwards.

 

 

 

Again, this is a quite narcissistic view on life. If I spend 100 hours to help you fixing your car, I think I can expect a "Thank you" or even a cup of coffee afterwards. It's common courtesy. How can you ever expect help from people if you just take, take, take without ever giving anything back?

 

Also, this is not just about getting over my ex. I want to understand the psychology behind this. Are most people narcissistic opportunists that really only care about their own feelings, or have I just been unlucky? There seems to be many stories here that are simular to mine. And yet, I would probably shoot myself in the head out of guilt if I treated someone else like this.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I think they act mainly out of guilt and that comes across to us as cruel & cold but I think the truth is they are riddled with guilt and cant face us and then they seek validation from a new person to make them 'feel better' about themselves x

[Philosoraptor]

Again, this is a quite narcissistic view on life. If I spend 100 hours to help you fixing your car, I think I can expect a "Thank you" or even a cup of coffee afterwards. It's common courtesy. How can you ever expect help from people if you just take, take, take without ever giving anything back?

 

Also, this is not just about getting over my ex. I want to understand the psychology behind this. Are most people narcissistic opportunists that really only care about their own feelings, or have I just been unlucky? There seems to be many stories here that are simular to mine. And yet, I would probably shoot myself in the head out of guilt if I treated someone else like this.

It's not narcissistic whatsoever, it's life. What you are showing is an entitlement attitude as if someone owes you something. They gave you much of their time then they gave you freedom rather than dragging the relationship on when they have already decided that it was over.

 

Yes, your ex was cruddy by dragging you along. But that's her flaw. Nothing to concern yourself about. She finds it acceptable to use people even after she knows she isn't going to stay with them. That's truly her choice and it's why it's always so important to keep your eyes wide open. In the end though you lose nothing as would you really want to stay with someone who could take such actions towards another person.

 

A note though, I'm like you. I've never taken such actions when in a relationship and never would. I'm always honest and as kind as possible when I have to end a relationship. But you must understand that your morals and views are not shared by all. No one owes anyone anything. She made her choices just as you make yours. Nothing to understand; everyone is wired differently.

 

Someone fixing MY car will be compensated in some way because that's the way I am. Not everyone has the same view and you need to accept that.

[Kevin_D]

A note though, I'm like you. I've never taken such actions when in a relationship and never would. I'm always honest and as kind as possible when I have to end a relationship. But you must understand that your morals and views are not shared by all. No one owes anyone anything. She made her choices just as you make yours. Nothing to understand; everyone is wired differently.

 

She seemed so caring and sensitive just weeks before the breakup. That makes me wonder if she's really wired differently, or if something "happens" when they decide to leave someone they love.

 

For example, when my grandpa died, the only thing my dad talked about was how grandma needed a new timetable for the buses. I would expect someone that just has lost his father to cry, but instead he kept talking about really strange stuff. And this is very natural. It's a coping mechanism.

 

On these forums I mostly read stories about painful breakups. Is it common that people breakup in a "nice" way? It seems like they almost always do like this (dumps out of the blue, get into a rebound relationship, act happy, throw breadcrumbs).

[Philosoraptor]

I think people who have nice mutual breakups don't end up places like this. You see mostly juicy stuff here which makes it quite skewed.

 

But truly it comes down to the maturity of the person you date. A mature person takes a mature route, an immature person often rebounds and plays to "win" the breakup.

[ponchsox]

Dumpers always have the advantage because they check out of the relationship weeks, if not months before breaking the news. Dumpees say they are always blindsided but there always a reason(s) that shouldn't be a surprise unless the dumper wants to be with someone else. A lot of times it's another person involved but other times the dumper isn't happy and can no longer contribute to a relationship.

 

The good news is your officially a free agent and can date who you please.

[Poppyolive]

Kevin d. I feel the same way. The others before me gave you great advice, but it still doesn't answer what you asked. I'd like to think I too would have enough respect for myself and partner if I decided to "dump", be honest, open and take responsibility for breaking the heart of someone you love. Then go away and build your life and leave the dumpee build theirs, being respectful of feelings. I have a hard time believing all the love, words & actions can be snapped away without thought or care, it takes more energy to keep up that nasty front..yah I'm much happier now, I don't love you anymore...I truely feel these are fronts they put up to avoid guilt, responsibility and actually feeling. But I do know that they have moments when it hits them just like our pain.. And its worse. Because us dumpees are the ones processing it, feeling it, asking questions, trying to understand and it makes us fABULOUS and ready!! They have masked, pretended and haven't felt it...it will hit them later. But they may never say. I do feel it's hard for them too, to come to that decision, to drop that bomb, I just wish they had the decency to be open for conversation. I know for me I i would of handled a sit down conversation, sharing and understanding...rather than..I'm out... Especially after 5 years. I do know my boy cried, said it was the hardest thing, that he didn't want to loose his best friend.... I believed him and gave him space as he was clearly upset...then he became cold & nasty..as I said..they go through it too...all the feelings sadness, shock, anger....but they mask it, dont process it, feel it, deal with it...instead every time they feel something uncomfortable they do something to cover it up....one day it will explode. There is a simply powerful book called "The Soul Bird" its a beautiful piece to read. I suggest you read it. For you.

 

So yes, they feel it after they've masked it. We may never see or hear of it, but its gotta be there. We had a relationship with this person, long enough to know they have feelings, sadness, thoughts.. They don't change over night and become this cold callous monster... Its an act. You should stop reaching out and saying sweet things to her you are only causing more heartache for yourself....the more you try the more their acts / masks will go up....I vow to Never ever do what was done to me...to anyone. Take care of you lil heart. Feel free to message me, as it sounds we are in the same canoe!!

[Kermit76]

Kevin you date my ex. Lol.

 

Same thing happened to me almost 4 months ago.

 

I reached out to ex and broke NC and it wasn't pretty.

 

At the end of the day there is no explanation. I'm tired of analyzing. Its exhausting. But like you I often ponder how she flipped a switch overnight.

 

The only answers I've been able to find. From her friend told me this is a common thing for her. She has done this to other boyfriends. Unfortunately, her trend continued with me.

 

It was a six hour breakup up. She was honest, seemed caring and showed some emotion. Even admitted she should see a therapist to work out her issues for this episode is a recurring one for her.

 

Still doesn't explain to me after months of reaching out to her I was communicating with a heartless uncompassionate person.

 

I am moving on. I loss. Hopefully my loss will be my gain in the future because I don't think I would have been happy married to her.

 

At the end of the day my motto is treat people the way you want to be treated. The only compliment my ex gave to me during the BU talk was I was everything as advertised. Caring, loving, supportive. Unfortunately, I will give these efforts to someone who will appreciate them.

 

I know for sure my ex will have a wake up call. Maybe years from now. I may never hear about it but I know this for sure.

 

Hang in there bro. Your not alone.

[Poppyolive]

"On these forums I mostly read stories about painful breakups. Is it common that people breakup in a "nice" way? It seems like they almost always do like this (dumps out of the blue, get into a rebound relationship, act happy, throw breadcrumbs)"

 

That's just it, they feel all we feel, but hide it, cover it, get into another relationship to mask it, then they explode internally and realize in most cases they f**ked up. Another thought, when they decide to leave it's best if they act fierce, carefree and hide their try feelings...they continue to ask this way...but alone they must be riddled with sadness for what was. Having sad that, what they do it how they behave is not our business anymore.

[David87]

Kevin the exact thing happened to me.Friday she told me she loved me and saturday morning she broke up with me by text msg and the she bloked me and my family on facebook evem my mom who was very nice and supportive with her..Now after two and a half weeks she acts like she is very happy and she flirts whit other guys, as If I never existed..... That is just the way dumpers are.There is nothing you can do about it. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Poppyolive]

"On these forums I mostly read stories about painful breakups. Is it common that people breakup in a "nice" way? It seems like they almost always do like this (dumps out of the blue, get into a rebound relationship, act happy, throw breadcrumbs)"

 

That's just it, they feel all we feel, but hide it, cover it, get into another relationship to mask it, then they explode internally and realize in most cases they f**ked up. Another thought, when they decide to leave it's best if they act fierce, carefree and hide their try feelings...they continue to ask this way...but alone they must be riddled with sadness for what was. Having sad that, what they do it how they behave is not our business anymore.

[Kevin_D]

Kevin the exact thing happened to me.Friday she told me she loved me and saturday morning she broke up with me by text msg and the she bloked me and my family on facebook evem my mom who was very nice and supportive with her..Now after two and a half weeks she acts like she is very happy and she flirts whit other guys, as If I never existed..... That is just the way dumpers are.There is nothing you can do about it. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

This is what scares me. I've had relationships with real bitches before. This girl was different. She had couple of close friends, didn't seem to care when she got attention from other guys. I felt so safe. I knew that she would be around as long as I treated her with respect. In the beginning, I had some trust issues because I got dumped out of the blue in my last relationship, but she always told me "I'm not her". Well, obviously she was.

 

The thing is, if she was able to hide this for 6 years, how can I trust anyone? I need to understand what causes this kind of behavior

 

"She doesn't deserve you and you should be lucky that she broke out. Go out and found someone better".

 

I hear this all the time. But we are just animals. Most of us are quite alike. I want to understand how so many people just can hit the switch.

 

 

There is no "nice" way to break up with someone, even if you're super nice about it, the dumpee is going to think you're the devil incarnate because you walked away.

 

There's a big difference between trying to minimize the damage and being a complete *******. My point is, if I was about to dump someone, I would much rather say:

 

"We tried therapy, we tried taking a break, we tried going on a trip together... it didn't work and I'm not happy anymore. And surely you don't want to be with someone who you can't make happy. I understand if you don't want to be friends, but I will always be there for you if you need me".

 

Rather than:

 

"I'm so much happier without you. Everything in my life will turn out great now when I have left you."

 

I mean, her own mother killed herself after an argument with her and her sister. If that had happened to me, I would definately be a bit careful in these situations.

Edited December 17, 2013 by Kevin_D

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Maybe because she already knew how it ended for u last time that made her feel even more guilty... I dont think she's a bitch as much as I want to hate my ex as he acted very similar I think they are just more cowards than nasty people x

[Kevin_D]

I dont believe i've heard anyone say "I'm going to be so much happier without you." Keep it simple. "I'm sorry, i don't want to do this anymore." You don't have to justify it, because no amount of justification will help when you're the one getting your heart broken.

 

Well, I heard it. The funny thing is, she fell behind at the university. She always came to me when she needed help. I helped her writing her reports, I tried to encourage her, I helped her when she had problems with her computer. She wanted to see me more than I wanted to see her. I said to her several times "Maybe we shouldn't see each other today, you should focus on your studies. Let's do something fun when you're done".

 

...And yet, it was somehow MY FAULT that she was doing badly, since she claimed to be doing so much better when she got rid of me. Wow.

 

Poppyolive:

 

I tried to PM you, but obviously you need a premium account or something likte that to actually do that. Or maybe I'm just stupid.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Ive said Im much happier without him (its not true I just wanted to p*ss him off!) but I was the dumpee... it seems off to say that being the dumper unless she wants to get a rise out of u x

[Kevin_D]

But expecting everyone to be super polite when it comes to breaking up is impossible. And dragging it out doesn't always work either. If you want to try and break up "nice", that's fine. My point is, no matter how nice you are, the dumpee is rarely going tto appreciate it.

 

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't get why you would secretly plan to dump your someone who you claim is your best friend.

 

I mean, if I have an issue with some of my buddies, I would call him up tonight and discuss it. Why should this be any different? Let's say I'm getting fatter. Why is it impossible to say "I wish you worked out more, it would make me happy"?

 

The funny thing is, I told her about GIGS after about a year together.

 

"You know, if we stick together for many years, sooner or later someone in the relationship will probably develop feelings for someone else, perhaps at work... This is quite common when the honeymoon phase is over. It's natural. And since we know this, we can control it."

 

Can you guess what happened? Oh, yes. She got FURIOUS. Told me that it was the most unromantic thing she had ever heard, accused me of wanting to date other girls and so on.

 

Oh, the irony...

[ponchsox]

The best thing the dumper can do for the dumpee is deliver the news and immediately go NC and give the dumpee the time they need to heal. My dumper made the mistake of answering my calls and texts which made it harder for both of us.

 

It's the same thing for a manager about to fire an employee. You tell them what you are doing, why you are doing it, and you go your separate ways.

Nobody enjoys doing and it if they do they are really screwed up.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, I heard it. The funny thing is, she fell behind at the university. She always came to me when she needed help. I helped her writing her reports, I tried to encourage her, I helped her when she had problems with her computer. She wanted to see me more than I wanted to see her. I said to her several times "Maybe we shouldn't see each other today, you should focus on your studies. Let's do something fun when you're done".

 

...And yet, it was somehow MY FAULT that she was doing badly, since she claimed to be doing so much better when she got rid of me. Wow.

 

Poppyolive:

 

I tried to PM you, but obviously you need a premium account or something likte that to actually do that. Or maybe I'm just stupid.

 

I would much rather get dumped in a mean way than in a "nice" way -- whatever the hell that means. If the dumper is a douche when dumping me, it's a hell of a lot easier for me to say "f*ck them, their loss" than if they are nice. Even though I don't really know what a "nice" way of dumping someone is. Except for the all-too-rare mutual breakups, there's no way the dumpee will ever be happy with the way they are broken up with. No one has ever said "Hey, you stomped on my heart, but at least you did it nicely! Thanks!" No matter how a dumper does the deed, the dumpee is going to be pissed and the dumpee is going to be sad. It's much more constructive for the dumpee to focus on the result than the process.

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't get why you would secretly plan to dump your someone who you claim is your best friend.

 

I mean, if I have an issue with some of my buddies, I would call him up tonight and discuss it. Why should this be any different? Let's say I'm getting fatter. Why is it impossible to say "I wish you worked out more, it would make me happy"?

 

The funny thing is, I told her about GIGS after about a year together.

 

"You know, if we stick together for many years, sooner or later someone in the relationship will probably develop feelings for someone else, perhaps at work... This is quite common when the honeymoon phase is over. It's natural. And since we know this, we can control it."

 

Can you guess what happened? Oh, yes. She got FURIOUS. Told me that it was the most unromantic thing she had ever heard, accused me of wanting to date other girls and so on.

 

Oh, the irony...

 

Because it's hard for a dumper to dump. They don't like dumping another person usually, so it takes them a while to "build up to it". They try to convince themselves not to do it, they finally reach their breaking point, then they dump. I mean, if they don't want to work on it, they shouldn't be forced to. Just because you would want to work on it doesn't mean that that's the way everyone should act. You seem to think that everyone should think and act the way you do. Guess what? Not happening. Different people have different ways of doing things and you need to learn to accept that. There is more than one path to walk down.

[ponchsox]

Because it's hard for a dumper to dump. They don't like dumping another person usually, so it takes them a while to "build up to it". They try to convince themselves not to do it, they finally reach their breaking point, then they dump. I mean, if they don't want to work on it, they shouldn't be forced to. Just because you would want to work on it doesn't mean that that's the way everyone should act. You seem to think that everyone should think and act the way you do. Guess what? Not happening. Different people have different ways of doing things and you need to learn to accept that. There is more than one path to walk down.

 

A dumper has to be willing to accept that when they deliver the news, it's over, and they cannot take back what was done. Even if there is reconciliation, there will always be trust issues. So what's done is done. When a dumper dumps you, they no longer what you in your life, but I have to think in many cases they doubt their decision but have to live with it, regardless.