Trying to understand the mind of a dumper

[Kevin_D]

I think many of you are stilling missing my point:

 

- I know that my relationship is over

- I know that there's no such thing as closure

- I know that even if she wants to come back, things would probably never work out

- I know NC is the best way to heal quickly

 

I'm not a very social guy. Many girls tend to break up because they want to feel free, but she in fact she was more often angry at me for not calling her when she was out with her friends. And she almost always wanted me to come along. Anyway, the point is that I can handle being alone. It's no big deal, even though I miss always having someone to talk to.

 

My problem is, if I couldn't see this coming, how on earth will I be able to protect myself from this in the future? I want to be able to love someone without thinking "oh, I'd better be careful, perhaps she'll leave me tomorrow".

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't get this. After 6 years, your partner is a friend, a family member. It's like saying to your mother or brother "I don't want to see you anymore, don't call me". Yes, in some cases it might be necessary to breakup with a friend or family member as well, but most people would try everything to solve the issues first.

 

Why is a relationship any different? You tell each other stuff like "I will always be there for you. If you get paralyzed after a car accident, I will take care of you. If you get cancer and lose all your hair, I will take care of you". And yet, out the blue they can say "I want to find something better, goodbye".

 

If I said this to a close friend, people would think I was insane. "I'm sorry, you've been my best friend for 10 years, but lately you have been in a bad mood and I've realised that I might have more fun with someone else, so please don't call me anymore."

 

If you invest so much in a relationship, why would anyone initiate a breakup without trying to discuss the issues first? There have been times where my ex was boring, treated me unfairly and wasn't as good-looking as she use to be. But did I tell her that I want to get something better? Nope. I had patience. I tried to encourage her. And eventually things went back to normal. I always thought this is what friends do. And your partner should be your best friend in the entire world.

[rec88]

You can theorize all you want about what they're thinking and what mindset they SHOULD be in when they do it. The fact is that it's far from a perfect world and people make decisions based on all kinds of crazy rationale. When the dumper explains to you why/how they came to their decision, assume they told you the truth. If you don't understand the reasoning after an explanation, no amount of thinking on your end will bring enlightenment. I know it's not what you're looking for, but this is a very strong view of mine. Just take the facts and move on.

[Kevin_D]

You can't protect yourself from it. You just have to pick yourself up, and love the next person. And the next. And the next. That's finding love.

 

What a sad world we live in. I wish I lived in the the 50's. You found a partner when you were 18 years old and usually settled with him/her. Yes, breakups happened, but it was usually the very last option.

 

Like the ones who get married. The promise that they will love each other until "death drives them apart", and yet many of them break up just a few years later. It's almost comical. Hypocrits.

 

I think Facebook makes this even worse. People read all the stories about happiness and success, and compare it to their own life. When my ex realised that she got "likes" from tons of seemingly successful guys, I guess our relationship wasn't as exciting anymore.

 

Yes, I know that I can't force people to be nice. Obviously, a there are a lot of soul-less, cold-hearted *******s out there who don't know the meaning of common courtesy. I guess these are the same people that park in handicap spaces and robs drunks people.

 

People need to understand that a relationship is something you create together, it's not some magical uncontrollable force that is either right or wrong. You simply cannot say "I will always love you" and then change your mind a week later because you are getting "bored". You simply don't do that, unless you're a narcissistic *******.

[Simon Phoenix]

What a sad world we live in. I wish I lived in the the 50's. You found a partner when you were 18 years old and usually settled with him/her. Yes, breakups happened, but it was usually the very last option.

 

Like the ones who get married. The promise that they will love each other until "death drives them apart", and yet many of them break up just a few years later. It's almost comical. Hypocrits.

 

I think Facebook makes this even worse. People read all the stories about happiness and success, and compare it to their own life. When my ex realised that she got "likes" from tons of seemingly successful guys, I guess our relationship wasn't as exciting anymore.

 

Yes, I know that I can't force people to be nice. Obviously, a there are a lot of soul-less, cold-hearted *******s out there who don't know the meaning of common courtesy. I guess these are the same people that park in handicap spaces and robs drunks people.

 

People need to understand that a relationship is something you create together, it's not some magical uncontrollable force that is either right or wrong. You simply cannot say "I will always love you" and then change your mind a week later because you are getting "bored". You simply don't do that, unless you're a narcissistic *******.

 

And you need to understand that a) the world does not stop and start at your convenience and b) there's a reason why people don't act like they did in the 1950s. My grandparents had a similar view to you in that they thought a marriage should stay together no matter what. Guess what? They were so miserable in trying to live up to a social ideal that they cheated on each other and the tension that they brought to the house was so bad that my mother's childhood was all screwed up. She could feel how miserable her parents (who were staying together because that's what they were "supposed" to do) were and it affected her psychologically well into adulthood.

 

You are trying to legislate feelings. Feelings change, people change. Life goes on. People shouldn't be forced to stay with someone they don't want to stay with and if they don't want to work on their relationship, they have every right not to. I respect that you want to work on it, but it's complete bullsh*t to heavy-handedly exert your values on others. I'm sorry you lost your relationship and I realize you are talking out of emotion, but some of the things you are saying are absurd. If someone doesn't want to work it out with you, they are saving themselves time and more importantly, saving you time.

 

You can't prevent other people from changing their feelings. That's up to them, that's their free will. You don't seem to be to into other people having free will, but unfortunately, that's the way the world works. You can't force someone to love you who doesn't love you. Sorry Charlie.

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh my goodness, how misguided you are. You think the 50s was idyllic? Ever watched Mad Men? People stayed married because it was impossible to get divorced. Short of adultery, a man could beat his wife and be a drunked wretch and the woman had no voice, no recourse, no way to get out. No one had any options. Yeah, let's all go back there.

 

If I had married my HS boyfriend, we would have been divorced by now. There is no way I'm the same person I was when I was 18, at 31. I'd rather be still single, than nursing a failed marriage.

 

The only difference between now, and the 50s, is that everyone's dysfunctionality is out in the open now, because it's become more socially acceptable to voice our problems rather than internalise them. That's it. People still had sh*t marriages. Husbands still beat their wives, people still cheated on one another, people drank, did drugs, and generally did awful things to one another. The only difference, is the Internet. Now we know everyone else's dirty laundry because everyone has an instant platform to air it.

 

I think you're being far too cynical. Most people enter marriage thinking it's going to last. And most people don't realise how difficult marriage is. You don't choose 'til death do you part' once, on the wedding day. You make that choice, over and over again, every single day.

 

No one should stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling them. If your gf thought that the relationship was not fulfilling her any more, and she wanted out, then despite the anger you feel, you have to respect the decision. And she can end it, however, and whatever way she wants. No one wins a prize for staying in a relationship they don't want to be in. There are only losers in that situation. A person can dump another person for whatever reason they want. For no reason, if they want. That is free will - and it trumps whatever 'respectful relationship exit' you're trying to conjure.

 

Yeah, I hope he's speaking more out of emotion and when he settles down, he'll reread some of this and facepalm himself. I get wanting to work things out, but he basically wants people to repress their feelings and stay in relationships against their will. Or at least that's how it reads.

[Kevin_D]

No one should stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling them.

 

A relationship is created by two people. It's not some magical force. It's not like buying a new car. It's a decision to enter a life where two people are in charge instead of just one. For better or worse. If a relationship isn't fulfilling you, that's 50% your responsibility to begin with. And when someone always have been there for you for the last 6 years, it might be nice to at least give him the chance to fix the rest.

 

This mentality really scares me. We're talking about human beings here, not cars or purses. If you're not willing to make a commitment, that's fine, but you should be clear about that from the beginning. Do not tell people that you will love them forever unless you're willing to fight for that love. That's simply unacceptable.

[Simon Phoenix]

A relationship is created by two people. It's not some magical force. It's not like buying a new car. It's a decision to enter a life where two people are in charge instead of just one. For better or worse. If a relationship isn't fulfilling you, that's 50% your responsibility to begin with. And when someone always have been there for you for the last 6 years, it might be nice to at least give him the chance to fix the rest.

 

This mentality really scares me. We're talking about human beings here, not cars or purses. If you're not willing to make a commitment, that's fine, but you should be clear about that from the beginning. Do not tell people that you will love them forever unless you're willing to fight for that love. That's simply unacceptable.

 

So you've never changed your mind in your life about something?

[Simon Phoenix]

It appears we had a bit of a mind-meld moment there!

 

It's amazing how we idealise a 'simpler' time in the 50s. It's like how people think crime in increasing in the world, but research shows that worldwide, crime is on a down trend. It's because we have the 24hr news cycle and the Internet, it distorts our perception of how 'good' or 'bad' something is.

 

Yep, threats of nuclear war, absurdly open racism, absurdly open sexism, people smoking openly in offices, restaurants and airplanes, and sock hops. I definitely want to go back to that time.

[Simon Phoenix]

I want to ask what 'sock hops' are. Can I Google that at work?

 

Yep, it's work safe.

 

[ponchsox]

I think many of you are stilling missing my point:

 

- I know that my relationship is over

- I know that there's no such thing as closure

- I know that even if she wants to come back, things would probably never work out

- I know NC is the best way to heal quickly

 

I'm not a very social guy. Many girls tend to break up because they want to feel free, but she in fact she was more often angry at me for not calling her when she was out with her friends. And she almost always wanted me to come along. Anyway, the point is that I can handle being alone. It's no big deal, even though I miss always having someone to talk to.

 

My problem is, if I couldn't see this coming, how on earth will I be able to protect myself from this in the future? I want to be able to love someone without thinking "oh, I'd better be careful, perhaps she'll leave me tomorrow".

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't get this. After 6 years, your partner is a friend, a family member. It's like saying to your mother or brother "I don't want to see you anymore, don't call me". Yes, in some cases it might be necessary to breakup with a friend or family member as well, but most people would try everything to solve the issues first.

 

Why is a relationship any different? You tell each other stuff like "I will always be there for you. If you get paralyzed after a car accident, I will take care of you. If you get cancer and lose all your hair, I will take care of you". And yet, out the blue they can say "I want to find something better, goodbye".

 

If I said this to a close friend, people would think I was insane. "I'm sorry, you've been my best friend for 10 years, but lately you have been in a bad mood and I've realised that I might have more fun with someone else, so please don't call me anymore."

 

If you invest so much in a relationship, why would anyone initiate a breakup without trying to discuss the issues first? There have been times where my ex was boring, treated me unfairly and wasn't as good-looking as she use to be. But did I tell her that I want to get something better? Nope. I had patience. I tried to encourage her. And eventually things went back to normal. I always thought this is what friends do. And your partner should be your best friend in the entire world.

 

Better it happen now than after you married them and they decide to walk out. You have to learn to treat each relationship as its own and you find someone who doesn't want to break up with you.

[ponchsox]

Look, I'm the kind of person who would work my damndest to make a relationship work. That's just me. And I've also been a person who walked away when things were irrevocably broken. If someone else doesn't want to be that person, I'm not going to try and make them, or curse them for not living up to my own standards. That's a recipe for hating yourself and the world. And I like myself. I like the world. And I believe hat whatever makes you/them...everyone, sleep at night, is fine by me.

 

Again, plenty of people make a commitment thinking that they're going to be in it for the long haul. Then you realise that maybe you're not. How can someone know that from the beginning? Relationships change because PEOPLE change. Most people have the best of intentions. And because their feelings, or circumstances, or philosophies change, and don't align with their previous choices, does not make them a bad person. It makes them human.

 

Exactly. Sometimes circumstances change beyond our control and the dumper can no longer give their share in a relationship. Dumpers can actually be selfless sometimes. While you may be hurt, they are doing it out of respect for you.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not against bringing that back... :-P

 

Yeah, it's not the worst thing ever. Dresses are too long though.

[Kevin_D]

So you've never changed your mind in your life about something?

 

Of course I have. But that doesn't mean that I can re-write the relationship rules whenever it suits me.

 

When I met my ex, she was very insecure. When I talked about about going on a trip with my friends, she panicked. She was so jealous and so scared that I would meet someone else.

 

I wanted her to feel safe with me, so I made sure that she would always feel welcome. And I didn't go on that trip (which I realise was a big mistake). I thought "she's not perfect, but I'd rather have someone care too much about me than to little".

 

This made her feel secure. I encouraged her to show her beautiful face more (she used to look like a bit like the girl in The Ring). She started wearing sexier clothes and became a bombshell. I was so happy. I wanted her because of her personality (my more shallow friends couldn't understand why), and when she became happy with me, she started to blossom.

 

But the recent year, I've become less confident. I have a Master in Engineering, but for some reason I have big troubles with finding a job.

I know that this is a huge turn-off for most women, but I thought that she would understand me since she has been in a simular situation herself.

 

Yes, she has changed. And the biggest reason she changed was me. I wanted her to be confident. I wanted her to realise how beautiful she was. And it backfired as soon as I lost my own self-esteem.

 

Yeah, it's her choice. But my opinion is that only a narcissistic ******* would make such a choice without warning och explanation.

[ponchsox]

There are no relationship 'rules'. There is only what you can live with, and what you can't. And that's a sliding scale, depending on the person.

 

Look, it's likely that you will experience this several times in your life. You either need to understand that people don't think the same way you do, or dating is going to get really hard, really fast.

 

Very true. Each relationship is different in so many ways. We all have to tolerate a certain amount of issues and differences until something gets in the way of two people being together, for good.

 

The worst thing you can do is become jaded our sabotage a future relationship because of what happened in the past. Setting boundaries and being a little cautious is ok, but every time we date someone there is always a risk of heartbreak.

[Simon Phoenix]

Of course I have. But that doesn't mean that I can re-write the relationship rules whenever it suits me.

 

When I met my ex, she was very insecure. When I talked about about going on a trip with my friends, she panicked. She was so jealous and so scared that I would meet someone else.

 

I wanted her to feel safe with me, so I made sure that she would always feel welcome. And I didn't go on that trip (which I realise was a big mistake). I thought "she's not perfect, but I'd rather have someone care too much about me than to little".

 

This made her feel secure. I encouraged her to show her beautiful face more (she used to look like a bit like the girl in The Ring). She started wearing sexier clothes and became a bombshell. I was so happy. I wanted her because of her personality (my more shallow friends couldn't understand why), and when she became happy with me, she started to blossom.

 

But the recent year, I've become less confident. I have a Master in Engineering, but for some reason I have big troubles with finding a job.

I know that this is a huge turn-off for most women, but I thought that she would understand me since she has been in a simular situation herself.

 

Yes, she has changed. And the biggest reason she changed was me. I wanted her to be confident. I wanted her to realise how beautiful she was. And it backfired as soon as I lost my own self-esteem.

 

Yeah, it's her choice. But my opinion is that only a narcissistic ******* would make such a choice without warning och explanation.

 

 

I need to read these "relationship rules". Where are they published?

 

And the revelation that you are an engineer makes me realize where you get your mindset from. You are looking at this as a math problem, a process -- that's not how love and feelings operate. You seem to think that if she told you a specific reason it would be a simple thing to fix -- do a and b and c will be the result.

 

Feelings don't work like that. They aren't logical. Truth is that she didn't tell you (though I'm sure she hinted at it a bunch and you missed it) because she herself doesn't know exactly where things went wrong. She just knows that the feeling she had before doesn't exist anymore. And I bet she took time internally trying to rectify that before dropping the bomb on you. Unfortunately, when the feels are gone then there's nothing you can personally do to bring them back. It's not something that can be quantified logically.

[organizedchaos]

Most definitely. And despite the instinct to feel the opposite, always look at a dumper letting you go as doing you a massive favour. They can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

Just think of it as a divorce you just avoided down the line.

[Kevin_D]

I need to read these "relationship rules". Where are they published?

 

You decide the rules together when you enter a relationship. For example:

 

Problem 1: Girlfriend doesn't want me to go to the movies with another girl.

 

Alternative a) I accept her request.

 

Alternative b) I try to negotiate.

 

Alternative c) I decline her request and tell her that I could never be in a relationship in which I can't watch a movie with who I want.

 

In my opinion, if I pick alternative 1, this becomes a rule. This also means that she shouldn't go to the movies with another guy, unless stated otherwise.

 

If a person changes, these rules have to be re-negotiated. You can't suddenly change your mind after five years and say "You know what, I'm going to the movies with this guy at the office, screw you!".

 

You have to be willing to do a few sacrifices for a relationship to work. You can't have everything you want all the time.

 

And again, feelings aren't some "magical force". If loss of attraction is the main issue, it can be addressed in several ways. We just need to understand the mechanisms that causes attraction.

 

We all know that the honeymoon phase won't last forever. Does this mean that you should end the relationship to be with that exciting guy at the office? Nope. Your instinct might tell you that it's a good move, but it's still usually a stupid idea. Just look at the statistics. If we can understand what causes these feelings, we can control it.

 

For every year you spend with another human being, you learn more about that person. Everytime you begin a new relationship, you're basically back at square one.

[Simon Phoenix]

You decide the rules together when you enter a relationship. For example:

 

Problem 1: Girlfriend doesn't want me to go to the movies with another girl.

 

Alternative a) I accept her request.

 

Alternative b) I try to negotiate.

 

Alternative c) I decline her request and tell her that I could never be in a relationship in which I can't watch a movie with who I want.

 

In my opinion, if I pick alternative 1, this becomes a rule. This also means that she shouldn't go to the movies with another guy, unless stated otherwise.

 

If a person changes, these rules have to be re-negotiated. You can't suddenly change your mind after five years and say "You know what, I'm going to the movies with this guy at the office, screw you!".

 

You have to be willing to do a few sacrifices for a relationship to work. You can't have everything you want all the time.

 

And again, feelings aren't some "magical force". If loss of attraction is the main issue, it can be addressed in several ways. We just need to understand the mechanisms that causes attraction.

 

We all know that the honeymoon phase won't last forever. Does this mean that you should end the relationship to be with that exciting guy at the office? Nope. Your instinct might tell you that it's a good move, but it's still usually a stupid idea. Just look at the statistics. If we can understand what causes these feelings, we can control it.

 

For every year you spend with another human being, you learn more about that person. Everytime you begin a new relationship, you're basically back at square one.

 

I mean, I don't even know where to begin about how absolutely intolerant you are of thought processes that aren't your own, so I'm just going to have to agree to disagree bud. I don't think you and I will ever find common ground here. This reads as extremely selfish to me.

 

I'm sorry that your relationship died, but it happens. You wanting to deny someone their free will and wanting to "fix" or repress their feelings just rubs me the wrong way. I'm hoping you are posting more out of hurt and anger than these being your actual viewpoints, because if they are http://gifs.gifbin.com/3204840swsw.gif

Edited December 18, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Kevin_D]

I mean, I don't even know where to begin about how absolutely intolerant you are of thought processes that aren't your own, so I'm just going to have to agree to disagree bud. I don't think you and I will ever find common ground here. This reads as extremely selfish to me.

 

I'm not intolerant of thought processes that aren't my own. I'm intolerant of the lack of thought process.

 

I would say that most marriage counsellors would agree with me, especially if there are children involved.

 

I refuse to let some signal substances take control over me. Just because that sexy girl at the beach triggers a release of dopamine, doesn't mean that I would be happier with her. It's just a chemical reaction. As long as I understand this, no actions are necessary. In my opinion, THIS is what it means to be human; That we can understand nature and therefore - to a certain degree - control it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not intolerant of thought processes that aren't my own. I'm intolerant of the lack of thought process.

 

I would say that most marriage counsellors would agree with me, especially if there are children involved.

 

I refuse to let some signal substances take control over me. Just because that sexy girl at the beach triggers a release of dopamine, doesn't mean that I would be happier with her. It's just a chemical reaction. As long as I understand this, no actions are necessary. In my opinion, THIS is what it means to be human; That we can understand nature and therefore - to a certain degree - control it.

 

You aren't married and you don't have children, so your comment on marriage counselors is completely irrelevant and out of place. Plus, you have no idea what they'd say, so don't make up crap like that.

 

I just hope you find peace dude, I really do. But your "solution" seems to be bullying the other person to stay in a situation they don't want to be in. I seriously doubt she did this on impulse, I'm sure she thought this through before pulling the trigger. You yourself said that your ex had thought about this for six months in the first post of the thread. She had a thought process -- it just wasn't yours and you can't handle that because you'd rather everyone cowtow to your standards.

 

You have every right to process things the way you want to. BUT NOT EVERYONE THINKS LIKE YOU OR HAS THE SAME VIEWPOINTS YOU DO!!! You don't seem to grasp this and you seem to think everyone should cowtow to your views, your processes, your ideas on things. And you come off as one of the most selfish posters I've seen on here. I realize you don't like being hurt, but you seem to think that another person should stay in a situation they don't want to be in to fit your whims.

[Kevin_D]

It's a bit rich to assume that she made a kneejerk decision and didn't think about it. You weren't in her head. You don't know what she was thinking or how long she was thinking it.

 

If there are problems in a relationship, you discuss them. Seriously, you can't talk about moving in together one day, just to drop the bomb a week later and claim that you've been thinking about this for a long time. Remember, you are a participant, not an oberserver.

 

I think this reasoning is the source of many relationship problems. People are putting so much focus on what they want, without realising the importance of their own actions. For example, women often find confident males attractive. If the girl compliments the guy, he will get a confidence boost, that will make him more attractive.

 

Don't write a list of what you want. Write a list of what you can offer.

[Simon Phoenix]

If there are problems in a relationship, you discuss them. Seriously, you can't talk about moving in together one day, just to drop the bomb a week later and claim that you've been thinking about this for a long time. Remember, you are a participant, not an oberserver.

 

I think this reasoning is the source of many relationship problems. People are putting so much focus on what they want, without realising the importance of their own actions. For example, women often find confident males attractive. If the girl compliments the guy, he will get a confidence boost, that will make him more attractive.

 

Don't write a list of what you want. Write a list of what you can offer.

 

Honestly, if this is how you communicate, I can understand why she might have been hesitant to have this conversation with you. And aren't you being a bit hypocritical in your second paragraph? This whole thread is about how the person YOU want didn't operate in a way YOU wanted her to and didn't address her issues with YOU in a way that YOU deemed acceptable.

[InnocentMan]

The best way to dump someone, is swiftly and brutally, leaving zero hope of a reconciliation. It may seem cruel at the time, but it's really the best way for the person that has been dumped.

 

There's nothing more nauseating than a long drawn out affair, filled with meaningless platitudes. The only exception to this is if there are children involved.

 

It's the vain hope of working things out, or winning their ex back, that hurts a lot of people. If someone wants to leave you, let them go. The reasons are irrelevant, and probably not true.

[Kevin_D]

But your "solution" seems to be bullying the other person to stay in a situation they don't want to be in. I seriously doubt she did this on impulse, I'm sure she thought this through before pulling the trigger. You yourself said that your ex had thought about this for six months in the first post of the thread. She had a thought process -- it just wasn't yours and you can't handle that because you'd rather everyone cowtow to your standards.

 

Seriously. If she're thinking about breaking up for six months, but yet:

 

- Calls every day just to say the she loves me

- Tells the that her biggest nightmare is a life without me

- Talks about moving in together

 

This is basically cheating. Emotionally, that is. This is a paradigm of selfishness in my book. She pretends that nothing is wrong, just in case she changes her mind again.

 

And yet, after six months of "planning", the best reason she could give for breaking up with me was...

 

...That I sighed when she asked me if she could borrow a USB-cable.

 

Come on.

 

Yeah, go ahead. Call me selfish. I just regret wasting so many days of life comforting someone who obviously wouldn't do the same thing for me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Seriously. If she're thinking about breaking up for six months, but yet:

 

- Calls every day just to say the she loves me

- Tells the that her biggest nightmare is a life without me

- Talks about moving in together

 

This is basically cheating. Emotionally, that is. This is a paradigm of selfishness in my book. She pretends that nothing is wrong, just in case she changes her mind again.

 

And yet, after six months of "planning", the best reason she could give for breaking up with me was...

 

...That I sighed when she asked me if she could borrow a USB-cable.

 

Come on.

 

Yeah, go ahead. Call me selfish. I just regret wasting so many days of life comforting someone who obviously wouldn't do the same thing for me.

 

Then stop wasting time bitching and moaning about something you have no control over. I realize you are hurting, but honestly, you are kind of making a fool out of yourself right now and you are posting nonsense at this point.