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choked out

j.woww

By j.woww,
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j.woww

j.woww

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I don't feel up to sharing my big long story today, but I saw a previous thread about being choked and I can't post a reply to it because it's too old.

...

My husband has choked me several times. But twice he choked me unconscious. The first time was two days before our daughter was born. (She is 7 months old now). The 2nd time was just about a week ago. Experiencing this is the most horrific, terrifying thing I have ever known. I felt like I was dying, being murdered.

I'm just wanting others' thoughts on this particular act of abuse because in the other thread people were posting that men who choke are more likely to eventually kill their victim. Or that's sort of the impression I got.

And is there anyone else here who's abuser choked them until they lost consciousness?

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Zahara

Zahara

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Does it really matter to what degree he choked you? What would be difference if he choked you till were gasping for air or whether he choked you till you passed out? Why your need to justify? Abuse is abuse.

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j.woww

j.woww

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No. He has been gone now since Saturday afternoon. He did show up today and is still threatening me. I'm afraid of what he can do to me physically, but he also has the power over me to have all three of my kids taken away from me if I try to have him arrested or get a restraining order or not let him see our daughter. I feel a real judgemental vibe coming from the people who commented on my post. I thought the people who read and commented would be ones who had been abused and could relate, maybe offer some insight into the psychological effects on me or the psychology of an abuser.

Yes, abuse is abuse. But as I tried to explain in my original post, being choked unconscious is a hundred thousand times more terrifying and painful than any of the other many violent things he has done to me. He has choked me more times than I can count, leaving me gasping for air, so I know very well the difference between that kind of choking and the two times he choked me out! Believe me there IS a huge difference.He's also blackened my eyes, slammed my head against walls repeatedly, held knives and fireplace pokers to my throat, dragged me around by my hair, punched and kicked me in the ribs and kidneys, picked me up and thrown me down the hall, and anally raped me. Yes I am well aware that abuse is abuse. The choking until I pass out is the only thing that was so traumatic that I've had "flashbacks" and night mares about it. So I don't think I'm wrong to say that there ARE degrees of abuse. No abuse is justifiable or acceptable, but there are acts of violence that are much more damaging and have a higher potential for being fatal.

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InnocentMan

InnocentMan

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Why can't you report him to the police? If he is choking you to the extent of you losing consciousness, then you're lucky to be alive. It's not a great leap from losing consciousness, to being dead. If you really can't tell the cops, you must contact a domestic abuse helpline, or similar.

 

You won't be much use to your children if he goes too far next time.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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Okay,

 

He's choked you unconscious twice.

 

He doesn't have the power to take your kids away anymore.

Not the second you tell the authorities.

Yes, they will climb all over your home with a microscope. But they'll stop him. They will. You need IMMEDIATE HELP.

 

People to not lose control to the point of choking someone unconscious and somehow remain able to not cross that final line forever.

 

The fact that he CAN go that far EVER is very, very dangerous as I'm sure you know.

 

Quite frankly, allowing him to intimidate you any further WILL get your kids taken away PERMANENTLY. Either because social services will catch wind of it and you will be served with a "failure to protect children from exposure to domestic violence" even if they aren't present when it happens OR you will lose you kids because you will be dead.

 

I get you are scared. I am scared for you. TERRIFIED, in fact.

 

In fact, if you have to and EVERY OTHER option has failed you. Pack your bags, throw a dart at a US map and just take the kids and go wherever it lands.

 

For godsakes, live under a bridge if you have to. DO NOT allow this man near you again. There is nothing that you could have done to deserve this. Your children don't deserve to have their mother put through this.

 

He may be "nice" sometimes, he may be a "great guy" other times and he may have "done a lot for you" but the second he puts his hands around his throat indefinitely, permanently CANCELS that. It's done, finito.

 

There's also a dr. Phil episode about this immature little sh*t that choked out his gf. She ended up losing her kid to social services about it because SHE DIDN'T LEAVE HIM.

 

You may be the victim in this scenario but they will see that THE KIDS must be protected at all costs.

 

Don't be one of those women who says "where will we go? We'll end up in the streets."

 

NO YOU WON'T. And even if you do it won't be for long at all. You are a mother with kids.

 

Contact any Mormon Church and they'll connect you to resources.

Contact anyone.

Hell, if you get cross the border to Canada you can come stay at my place. I'm not even kidding. I am not a fan of women being choked out.

 

My father tried to kill me via strangulation at 16. NOT. A. FAN.

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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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You freeze because of it, right?

 

I used to have the same response until trauma therapy.

 

When I was abused I would freeze up and even disassociate from it, almost like it was something you could "watch happening" but you "weren't really there."

 

The pain stops when you slowly take steps to unfreeze. But this situation is so dire that you need to phone someone now. You NEED to make that call.

Get scared. Be petrified. But know that being scared is just part of the process.

MAKE THE CALL. Don't shut down and take it again. Don't try to "talk to him" about it. Take the stand that you won't let him do these horrible things to you anymore. MAKE THE CALL.

 

No. He has been gone now since Saturday afternoon. He did show up today and is still threatening me. I'm afraid of what he can do to me physically, but he also has the power over me to have all three of my kids taken away from me if I try to have him arrested or get a restraining order or not let him see our daughter. I feel a real judgemental vibe coming from the people who commented on my post. I thought the people who read and commented would be ones who had been abused and could relate, maybe offer some insight into the psychological effects on me or the psychology of an abuser.

Yes, abuse is abuse. But as I tried to explain in my original post, being choked unconscious is a hundred thousand times more terrifying and painful than any of the other many violent things he has done to me. He has choked me more times than I can count, leaving me gasping for air, so I know very well the difference between that kind of choking and the two times he choked me out! Believe me there IS a huge difference.He's also blackened my eyes, slammed my head against walls repeatedly, held knives and fireplace pokers to my throat, dragged me around by my hair, punched and kicked me in the ribs and kidneys, picked me up and thrown me down the hall, and anally raped me. Yes I am well aware that abuse is abuse. The choking until I pass out is the only thing that was so traumatic that I've had "flashbacks" and night mares about it. So I don't think I'm wrong to say that there ARE degrees of abuse. No abuse is justifiable or acceptable, but there are acts of violence that are much more damaging and have a higher potential for being fatal.

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Zahara

Zahara

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I am a victim of abuse. From my grandparent to my parents to a boyfriend that I dated in my early adulthood. My childhood friend from school, had her mother's head smashed into a wall by her father. Just ONE time. It broke her neck and she died instantaneously. She was left to fend for herself because her mother was too busy making excuses for her father without ever thinking what could possibly happen to her children if she died or was injured so badly that she would have no capability to take care of her children. If he smashed your head against the wall, what if you were paralyzed and bed ridden. What would happen to your kids? What would happen to you? Do you understand why your question has zero relevance in the grand scheme of things?

 

He has slammed your head into walls. Held knives to your throat, and an abuser can be in such a state of rage to lose all control and one stab in the throat. Done, you're dead. Kicked and punched you in the ribs and kidneys? A broken rib can puncture vital organs. Who cares if there are degrees of violence and abuse? Again, abuse is abuse. Period. Degrees of trauma doesn't justify you staying in a relationship that could potentially be fatal to you, whether he chokes you out or smashes your head into a wall. It's not what you should be focusing on.

 

If you go to the police and file a complaint and have his ass on record for abuse, why would you fear him taking your children away from you. He isn't fit to be a parent. You have proof. Take pictures. Call an abuse hotline and seek guidance. Go to a shelter for abused women and children. Call a lawyer. Go somewhere, anywhere. Do something, anything.

 

No woman should condone violence by staying with an abuser, especially one with children. I've seen what it can do to you. I've experienced abuse as a child and a young adult. And what are you teaching your children? That it is okay for their mother to be literally beaten to a pulp? What sort of fear are these children living in when they see their father in such a rage? What kind of trauma are THESE CHILDREN experiencing?

 

No one is judging you but I'm definitely perplexed by your need to ask the question, when the bigger picture is, why are you still there tolerating abuse instead of doing everything in your power to protect 1) your children 2) you. I understand you fear him but fearing him only keeps you where you are. Like it or not, move, act and do something. It is NOT going to get better, but worse.

 

Anytime he hits you, he has the potential to kill you.

Edited by Zahara
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regine_phalange

regine_phalange

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Ive been choked once. Was enough to get me running away from this psycho.

 

If he does it correctly, you die or remain with irreversible brain damage.

If you dont die there will be scars on your soul.

 

You have to leave! Do you have any family? Friends? Have you tried calling a womens shelter?

 

I know you may feel trapped right now. Dont feel guilty for leaving him. He will never change. He is a ****ty person and deserves to be alone. You cant heal him. If you stay, its almost certain your kids will suffer too. You have to find courage for them. Seek help! You are entitled to have it. The law is on your side. Dont listen to his threats for taking your children. He is a ****ing bully. Seek advice and help, before its late.

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j.woww

j.woww

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I've told him I want a divorce and it looks as though he is accepting that. But I am still scared of him and I made the decision to go file a restraining order on him tomorrow. It's a really hard thing for me to do. I never called police on him or denied him anything he demanded. I know I need to do it and I am doing the right thing for me and kids, but I still feel very guilty. And afraid. But I am going through with it.

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Zahara

Zahara

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I've told him I want a divorce and it looks as though he is accepting that. But I am still scared of him and I made the decision to go file a restraining order on him tomorrow. It's a really hard thing for me to do. I never called police on him or denied him anything he demanded. I know I need to do it and I am doing the right thing for me and kids, but I still feel very guilty. And afraid. But I am going through with it.

 

I'm so proud of you.

 

When I checked into therapy for abuse, I had the same feelings of guilt and actually feeling sorry for the abuser. I was told it is what's called Stockholm Syndrome, also called capture-bonding. Read about it. It's natural for you to feel this way, especially women that have been abused and battered.

 

You've taken huge strides. Keep going. I think it would be beneficial for you to call an abuse hotline to get some guidance on what and how you should plan your next steps or even visit a shelter to see what options they have in terms of a backup plan just in case something goes awry. Reach out to sources as much as you can to gain support i.e. friends, family, etc.

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spiderowl

spiderowl

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I agree that you need contact with a shelter. He's a dangourous guy and he's not going to take kindly to talk of divorce or a restraining order. You need a safety back-up plan. A woman's shelter will be able to advise you and give you support and a place to go with your children, if need be.

 

Good luck! You are taking an important step for your and your children's safety. This guy is not going to stop without the law stopping him and protecting you and your family.

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Exitleft

Exitleft

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:( all I can say is thank God all survivors of abuse in this thread have survived to see another day. J.wow, so very courages of you to leave this situation. Wishing you and your children all the best and a better future.
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dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

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:( all I can say is thank God all survivors of abuse in this thread have survived to see another day. J.wow, so very courages of you to leave this situation. Wishing you and your children all the best and a better future.

 

I thought a lot about this thread. When i saw it Active again i was hoping it was the OP saying her ex was in jail and sentenced to forever. :(

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chados

chados

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wow what a man. i never met the guy but i can honestly say i hate him. i would love to see him do that to someone bigger then him. tell me, how would he be able to take your kids if hes the one abusing you? that doesnt add up. what youre gonna do is to call the cops. have him arrested. save yourself and your kids from that man.

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turnera

turnera

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he also has the power over me to have all three of my kids taken away from me if I try to have him arrested or get a restraining order or not let him see our daughter.
Unless you're a drug addict or a hooker, I find that hard to believe. What's the real truth?
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  • 4 weeks later...
venusishername

venusishername

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Unless you're a drug addict or a hooker, I find that hard to believe. What's the real truth?

 

 

 

First of all, I am devastated to read about what you are going through. Turnera is right. He would want you to believe that he has that power. Remember that he does not. Even if you were a drug addict or a hooker, he still doesn't have that power. I don't care what you did wrong, what he is doing wrong is what the problem is right now. If you are at any fault legally then that's another story. For the matter at hand, get the law on your side immediately for your and your children's safety and for your life.

 

 

I have a legal background and I strongly suggest that you actually speak to the police rather than just simply apply for a restraining order. Actually, if you do go to the police in my state, and there is no restraining order in place, and you tell them what you have told us here, then the police should immediately apply for an Emergency Protective Order, which will save you the 'wait' for the formal restraining order hearing. ( I did this)

I would go to the police first. If you don't know who to call or how to go about that, please just walk in to your local courthouse and they will help you in the right direction.

 

 

Stay strong and tell the police everything. I can't imagine how scary this must be for you. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty. By reporting this to the police and going through with getting a restraining order, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Don't doubt that for a minute. Staying in this situation and not doing anything about would be the only mistake you could make right now. My thoughts are with you.

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