Dreamlala Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 (edited) This is cross-posted from my introduction thread, mainly because I'm so confused on what to do. Please check my intro thread for more background. But basically here is my question: My family is suggesting that I not name the baby after my H (its not only his name but my favorite name) and that I not give the baby his last name or have him in the delivery room (he can be in the hospital just not with me in the delivery room). It breaks my heart to do all the above. I love my baby's name and I changed my own last name to his so we would all have the same last name, now I plan to change mine back but I feel so sad to think my son won't have his last name either. What do I do? I'm not a vindictive person, I don't even want child support ... I just wanted us to be happy. The money would be nice but I honestly don't need it. I make enough to support one child in a responsible manner and I don't want the money to be leverage for him to take my son from me. Any ideas on the name/ delivery room thing? Has anyone ever given their kids the ex's last name only to regret it later? ETA: Oh man, ignore the "you're" in the title and pretend it says your, I hate this particular typo :| Edited December 17, 2013 by Dreamlala typo Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Do whatever you think feels right in your heart. The kid's last name won't change who his parents are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dreamlala Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 I guess that's the problem, none of this is right in my heart. I wanted our son to grow up with his mom and dad, now I'm tossed in to this new reality trying to figure out what to do. What will hurt my son less? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Sounds like you're in USA. Are you in an urban area or a smaller town? FYI custody is always subject to challenge. Your children are due child support. Put it into a 529 for college. Often children carrying the same name as their mother becomes a consideration at entry to schhool. Early childhood program would put that at age 3. Preponderance of professional parents may mean few kids carry mom's surname lots of foreign nationals = same. Divorced families is a tossup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dreamlala Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 I'm in a large city in the US. I know kids are entitled to child support but if my baby won't want for anything it seems unnecessary. Although the college savings account sounds like a great idea. Thinking about this is making me sad. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I guess that's the problem, none of this is right in my heart. I wanted our son to grow up with his mom and dad, now I'm tossed in to this new reality trying to figure out what to do. What will hurt my son less? No it's not right in your heart, but our children is about sacrificing what we feel (our emotions) and what is right. Whether his father participates or not, he belongs to the two of you. His "identity" will be his last name, his character is what you raise him to be...one is just a name...the other remains to be seen. Character always wins out. When he is in your arms and you look in his eyes for the first time, you won't be questioning, you will know the right thing to do. Everything else will no longer matter, including a last name. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 You should do what you want. Name him anything you desire! No need to state the father on the birth record if you don't plan to get support money. Placing him on there might give him rights to seeing your child - leaving it off might be a bit of a roadblock in case he decides to seek custody (he'd have to prove paternity). Since you plan to change your name - you could choose something else - and use that new name as your child's last name too. New beginnings might be nice for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dreamlala Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Thanks all! I will wait till I meet my son to decide the birth thing was more because one of his reasons for even wanting a divorce was because I allegedly said I didn't want him at the birth. This is 100% not true as I always planned on him being there so it seems ironic to me that he accused me of not wanting him there while we were good, yet now that he wants to divorce he said "why shouldn't I be there?" Umm! Because according to you I didn't want you there as my husband so by that theory why would I want you there as a ex?? I swear his bs reasons for wanting a divorce anger me. Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 That's concerning. Dreamlala, I want you to go look up the definitions for "blameshifting", "gaslighting", and "revising the marital history" and see if anything there sounds familiar. This guy is bad news. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Your son's name will have nothing to do with his happiness and well-being (unless you name him something weird). It's how he's loved by you and his father. I believe you can also legally use a hyphenated name for him with BOTH of your last names. Like Smith-Doe. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 In my opinion, if he fathered the child, then the child should have his name. Just because you two aren't going to be together anymore doesn't change the kids parentage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dreamlala Posted December 23, 2013 Author Share Posted December 23, 2013 I just worry that if I don't give him his last name my son will grow up later and feel his dad didn't want him when we planned him and we were so excited to get pregnant. I am so close to my dad so I just don't know how to deal with being a single mom. I will look up those terms! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 What last name do you give a child if you're H wants a divorce The last name of oh, I don't know... whoever fathered your child???? Link to post Share on other sites
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