Windy Sage Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 After a 7 yr relationship that included lots of arguing and lots of family/internal issues my Gf left about 3 mos ago. Her reasons were she was "just not happy" and as I tried to get her to change her mind by assuring her in different ways that things could be better, she said "I'm just not their" and packed up EVERYTHING of hers/ours and left me with my things. I would like to reconcile as I do love her very much and am deeply sorry for the pain I caused her by being verbally abusive at times. We had tried to works things out several times, but only talked never actually started anything that would stick. I did go no contact to start for about a month but then she initiated a "how are you doing" mail about a month after, we traded mails, then I asked her out for coffee. At first she was willing, but a friend was in town, and she quickly replied saying, "she now was not available". She had left some stuff at the house and came to pick it up last week,with some friends,she was ok when they were there..but Confusing part is when they left,she came and started to cry and when I asked her to talk,she said I just need time..she proceeded to to give some very nice and close hugs and left saying Merry Christmas.. If I wanted to try and make this work..should I develop a plan or Move on? Link to post Share on other sites
sportzhl24 Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 After a 7 yr relationship that included lots of arguing and lots of family/internal issues my Gf left about 3 mos ago. Her reasons were she was "just not happy" and as I tried to get her to change her mind by assuring her in different ways that things could be better, she said "I'm just not their" and packed up EVERYTHING of hers/ours and left me with my things. I would like to reconcile as I do love her very much and am deeply sorry for the pain I caused her by being verbally abusive at times. We had tried to works things out several times, but only talked never actually started anything that would stick. I did go no contact to start for about a month but then she initiated a "how are you doing" mail about a month after, we traded mails, then I asked her out for coffee. At first she was willing, but a friend was in town, and she quickly replied saying, "she now was not available". She had left some stuff at the house and came to pick it up last week,with some friends,she was ok when they were there..but Confusing part is when they left,she came and started to cry and when I asked her to talk,she said I just need time..she proceeded to to give some very nice and close hugs and left saying Merry Christmas.. If I wanted to try and make this work..should I develop a plan or Move on? Dude I think the very best thing to do is to give her space right now. Don't initiate contact. It seems like she is pretty confused and she needs the space and time to figure things out on her own. For now I would recommend just focusing on self improvement. You should definitely work on your verbal abuse stuff. Cut that out of your life completely. That way if she does end up coming back, you can be a better bf to her. Dont blame yourself however. Just take some time for YOU Link to post Share on other sites
Author Windy Sage Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Ok so I should just go back into "no contact" and let her be,I didn't know how to take the "I just need some time" line.As that can have varying meanings.. I had thought the same about her being confused, I begged a bit when we we're still together,but when we serperated I went no contact only over money matters did we speak..never about the relationship..maybe that was good...or maybe not..? Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy99 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I think the key is that you said you were verbally abusive to her. That's never acceptable. Get some help for that. Make an appointment with a therapist and start figuring out what's wrong with you. If you try to work on yourself and change your bad behavior maybe she will reconsider. Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I think the key is that you said you were verbally abusive to her. That's never acceptable. Get some help for that. Make an appointment with a therapist and start figuring out what's wrong with you. If you try to work on yourself and change your bad behavior maybe she will reconsider. Without knowing very much about this particular relationship, my feeling is that many women accuse their boyfriends for being "verbally abusive". I've said horrible things to my ex which she kept bringing up and I always felt terrible about it. But then I realised that she had called things like "stupid idiot" and "moron". One time she hurt me really badly and proceeded by making fun of me in front of my friends. For some reason it doesn't seem to count when a woman acts like this. People will just laugh and say "It's just PMS" or "Wow, you must have done something to piss her off!". When you think about it, very often it's like this: Scenario 1: Girl dumps boy. Girl says that boy "verbally abused her". Boy got what he deserved. Girl is a considered a strong person. Scenario 2: Boy dumps girl. Girl is the victim. Boy is considered to be a shallow idiot. My experience is that women are far more prone to "grasp for straws" when it comes to break-ups. They bring up things from nasty fights to make the guy sound guilty. The guy then thinks rationally: "Ok, so the problem is my temper. I'll work on my myself = problem solved". But this will rarely do the trick, since it wasn't the REAL problem. NOTE: I'm not saying that verbal abuse doesn't exist, but it feels like 9 out of 10 female dumpers claim that their boyfriend abused them verbally. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I think the key is that you said you were verbally abusive to her. That's never acceptable. Get some help for that. Make an appointment with a therapist and start figuring out what's wrong with you. If you try to work on yourself and change your bad behavior maybe she will reconsider. Live with anybody for 7 years, and it's inevitable that there will be a level of verbal 'abuse', usually from both parties. It's a total cop-out to use this as a reason to leave someone, unless it's extreme/constant, and only coming from one side. We all go too far sometimes in the heat of an argument. It can actually be healthy sometimes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy99 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 He didn't say his girlfriend said he was verbally abusive. He said he was verbally abusive. It appears clear that he knows he was. So get some help for it, is my advice. Otherwise she will always remember him as the guy who verbally abused her and she won't want to be with him. I have never in my life had a man I dated call me a moron or an idiot. That's totally unacceptable in my opinion. I wouldn't go back to somebody like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I have never in my life had a man I dated call me a moron or an idiot. That's totally unacceptable in my opinion. I wouldn't go back to somebody like that. May I ask... How long was your longest relationship? It has been written many times before on this forum, but love and hate are not opposites. You will always hurt the people you love the most. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy99 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Longest relationship on and off was four years. I've had various other ones lasting from six months to a year. I've never had a relationship end because of verbal abuse. But I really wouldn't put up with that. I'd give it right back and they know that. So no need for that type of behavior. Usually the relationship ends because one person moves away (usually me) and soon the relationship dies because of distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Windy Sage Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Yes there was lots of distance at the end..thats why it was wierd to see her start crying hard and giving deep hugs when i figured after almost 3 mos she wouldn't want to be near me if it was soooo bad Link to post Share on other sites
Author Windy Sage Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 and as far as changes I told her before she left that I was going to do it and had started to(with the help of a book or two) work on myself. And with her around for the last bit it helped me in some ways to test my new skills out. plus I think that the new me(carved from the old guy she knew at first) came thru a bit on that day...either that or she was playin games and fakin it...thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
Author Windy Sage Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 just wanted to bump and see if anyone could answer some of my dilemmas...lol Link to post Share on other sites
CantGetOverItGuy Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) My girlfriend of 4 years left me and returned about 7 weeks after we split up. She found interest in someone else, slept with him once, and returned to me. I was verbally abusive as you were, at times, and it got worse as time went on. I made a lot of mistakes that could have been avoided, and looking back I wish I did no contact from day one of the breakup. Furthermore, now that I have her back, I do not think I even want to pursue a relationship any longer. Nothing feels the same. If I had any advice for you, after my recent heart breaking exeprience, would be to forget about her and move on with your life. Pick up new hobbies such as guitar ,weight lifting, or jogging. If she decides to return to you and work things out, so be it, but if I was you I'd move forward and focus on your own happiness. Edited December 18, 2013 by CantGetOverItGuy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Windy Sage Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Yes I did go no contact for a month and then she e-mailed me to see "how you doing"..I barely replied except to talk about the cash. I feel I should maybe be the one to initiate since I told her to leave first...but back pedaled and then finally asked to reconsider, but she said no and decided to go. So am I the dumper or the dumpee? Link to post Share on other sites
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