mtnbiker3000 Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 So I have determined I have very low self-esteem originating from early childhood. I received critical, toxic, negative and damaging messages mostly from my father, and have since continued subconsciously giving them to myself for my entire life (now 42). Can anyone recommend books, strategies, techniques, etc. to combat this and change these messages into positive ones to help gain back self-esteem? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 The places that scare you - Pema Chodron Forget religion - it's an absolute life-saver. Can I PM you on this? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 So I have determined I have very low self-esteem originating from early childhood. I received critical, toxic, negative and damaging messages mostly from my father, and have since continued subconsciously giving them to myself for my entire life (now 42). Can anyone recommend books, strategies, techniques, etc. to combat this and change these messages into positive ones to help gain back self-esteem? a book on boundaries might be helpful....its when you allow people into your inner circle and that when boundaries are not there , you can easily have self esteem issues arise...protect yourself with barriers.........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 The places that scare you - Pema Chodron Forget religion - it's an absolute life-saver. Can I PM you on this? Of course... Link to post Share on other sites
Keepsmilling Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 And you never to old to learn. As long as you are alive you can learn and change. Link to post Share on other sites
jba10582 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I really like threads like this, because, there are a lot of good and knowledgeable people on here that are willing to help others. I like the idea of getting ideas about books first hand especially within the context of what (it seems) a lot of people are going(or have gone) through here on LS. I have already talked with you about the Eckhart Tolle books, and he is a great author who is very articulate in methods of being present and staying in the moment, also having spiritual relevance. The power of your subconscious mind is also a decent book by Joseph Murphy, and, there is a free audio version if you search it. Link to post Share on other sites
jba10582 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 take you to the dark side. I always thought fear was the path to the dark side Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. (yoda) at least Yoda says so... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Avoid things like meditation,stay present etc. Activitys. Because they have notting to do with self esteem. They just are made to mess up your spirit and take you to the dark side. Thanks for taking the time to respond. But I'm not sure I follow nor agree with this?? Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I've found that rededicating myself to something I'm very good at has helped my self-confidence. It gives me a great opportunity to see daily "wins" and make me feel better about myself as a result. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 I've found that rededicating myself to something I'm very good at has helped my self-confidence. It gives me a great opportunity to see daily "wins" and make me feel better about myself as a result. I notice that it is much more of a mental issue for me rather than physical. It's not tasks or things or outcomes. Its more thoughts and feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 You can also pray to God for Him to guide you. in this. He made you so He knows of what great value you are. Avoid things like meditation,stay present etc. Activitys. Because they have notting to do with self esteem. They just are made to mess up your spirit and take you to the dark side. Oh, pardon me.... I've read some bovine scatology in my time, but this takes the biscuit. Dark side? Really?? What I perceive you are suggesting, is that any practice comprising meditation is satanic. That's just ignorance. Mother Theresa of Calcutta and St Francis of Assisi both recommended meditation. As does the current Pope. As did St. Thomas Aquinas. As did (more recently) Thomas Merton. Meditation most certainly does not lead to the 'dark side'. Sorry, that's just complete nonsense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I notice that it is much more of a mental issue for me rather than physical. It's not tasks or things or outcomes. Its more thoughts and feelings... Remember what I suggested: Challenge every negative thought to speak the truth. You'll find most - if not all - of them, to be liars. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mario79 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I cant say they have fully helped me but there are 2 of them. 1. The way of the superior man by David Deida. This one taught me that over anything you gotta have a life mission and it also goes into life style including self esteem. 2. Man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankl. This one teaches you about your attitude towards life, it gives you an idea of things you can do and how to approach it based on his life experiences. “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” The good thing about this one is you can find the audio book on youtube: Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor Frankl - Audiobook - YouTube I think this one should be heard by everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I notice that it is much more of a mental issue for me rather than physical. It's not tasks or things or outcomes. Its more thoughts and feelings... That's exactly what I'm talking about. Doing something you are good at will mentally reinforce positive concepts for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Softie Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I'm trying mindfulness, seems to be helping at the moment I feel calmer and happier in myself. Self esteem is fairly good. Trust me, I had bad developing years from 10-15 that effected my self esteem massively and have been in counselling a lot. However I know that I am a great person, kind, honest, look fairly good, work hard - this I keep in mind and my self esteem does ok from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 I only just discovered this was an issue in my life. It may be situational but right now, I am just unhappy and feel a lack of 'success' with all of the major things in my life: -Job / career -Love life / Breakup recovery -City I live in -Future happiness When just a short time ago, all of these things seemed to be going so well. Now, not so much. And it becomes very easy to look at these things and just rip myself to shreds with criticism, negativity and self blame... Link to post Share on other sites
Mario79 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I only just discovered this was an issue in my life. It may be situational but right now, I am just unhappy and feel a lack of 'success' with all of the major things in my life: -Job / career -Love life / Breakup recovery -City I live in -Future happiness When just a short time ago, all of these things seemed to be going so well. Now, not so much. And it becomes very easy to look at these things and just rip myself to shreds with criticism, negativity and self blame... I can identify with your points, specially work, this takes a large chunk of your life. Future happiness as well, people can tell you it makes no sense to worry about the future since it cant be controlled but its hard no to be concerned that things may not improve, that there is no kind of security of happiness. That internal dialogue does kill. I am trying to change my job for something more meaningful. Is what you do your passion? Your happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
jonsnuh Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 From my therapy sessions, what I had thought was low self-esteem was a lack of self-compassion. I would take a look from there and see if you're also in the same boat. I tend to be hard on myself for my short-comings. This has led to my anxiety and after cultivating it, I realized I've hurt myself more than anyone. All the best OP. Look at your small successes and build on them. Cultivate, don't follow your passion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 That internal dialogue does kill. I am trying to change my job for something more meaningful. Is what you do your passion? Your happiness? Nope. Simply a job to pay the bills. If I wanted to get back to teaching (my profession, passion, etc..) I would have to pass a grueling test. I am not a good test taker, and the material is equivalent to a 4 year degree in any particular subject matter. A lot of material to demonstrate mastery of =( This has been an obstacle for me for several years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Cultivate, don't follow your passion. I don't follow?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mario79 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Nope. Simply a job to pay the bills. If I wanted to get back to teaching (my profession, passion, etc..) I would have to pass a grueling test. I am not a good test taker, and the material is equivalent to a 4 year degree in any particular subject matter. A lot of material to demonstrate mastery of =( This has been an obstacle for me for several years. Yeah I hate tests, they just prove you took the time to memorize a lot of stuff one night, instead of on the field work where you can show results by doing. I cant see my job as anything but a necessity not really fulfilling. Maybe doing some volunteer work where you can teach something you are good at. I want to try this myself, teach kids something, but that is hard to do around here. Link to post Share on other sites
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 There worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. I think low self esteem stems from lack of control. Perhaps from the neglect of your father in your childhood years. Parents are the roots of our soul...and unfortunately, he stunted your mental health causing you to have a negative view of yourself. That was NOT your fault and this is NOT who you have to be. As a child all you knew was what your parents confirmed, because you trusted them. Now that you are older you are more aware of your surroundings and have other valuable opinions/lessons/views. Which is how you realized you have self esteem issues, you figured out this is not a normal feeling to have. But you can re grow yourself. Either on your own or with therapy. Wanting help is good start because that means you want to feel better about yourself. Some people often just sulk in and make excuses about it. But you are opening yourself up to tools and exercising to become the man you want to be. That's awesome! People often blame their past on who they are today, but who are you gonna blame for your future? 1. Make three lists: one of your strengths, one of your achievements, and one of the things that you admire about yourself. Try to get a friend or relative to help you with these lists. Keep the lists in a safe place and read through them regularly. Come and share them on here! :-) The mind is a powerful thing, learn to control it! If you aren't there for yourself, then who will be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Yes, I made this discovery through the heartbreak of a recent difficult break up. Through therapy and also several books, including 'Toxic Parents' is how I came to understand my current situation. I would have never known about these issues as I do now without the BU, therapy and reading a lot of material... Now, I know what's up and I want to work at fixing it. I am confident it will be a huge catalyst for change in my life in many areas (as mentioned in previous posts)... Link to post Share on other sites
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Yes, I made this discovery through the heartbreak of a recent difficult break up. Through therapy and also several books, including 'Toxic Parents' is how I came to understand my current situation. I would have never known about these issues as I do now without the BU, therapy and reading a lot of material... Now, I know what's up and I want to work at fixing it. I am confident it will be a huge catalyst for change in my life in many areas (as mentioned in previous posts)... That reminds me of this quote: “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” After my recent heartbreak I have rediscovered myself. It's so crazy. This heartbreak gave me a chance to become who I am meant to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 So I have determined I have very low self-esteem originating from early childhood. I received critical, toxic, negative and damaging messages mostly from my father, and have since continued subconsciously giving them to myself for my entire life (now 42). Can anyone recommend books, strategies, techniques, etc. to combat this and change these messages into positive ones to help gain back self-esteem? Not sure about books, but meditation, yoga or any exercise you like helps produce good positive healthly energy and promotes fitness. Meditation takes practice. But, if you find a local group and attend a couple sessions you can get the hang of it and practice at home. If you have a smart phone, lots of free relaxation apps. Eliminate negative toxic people from your life from this point forward. We don't lose friends, we just realize who the real ones are. And the more REAL the better. All of these things have helped me when my sense of self was low. Best wishes. Mea:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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