The more I think about it....

[Nothisgirl]

The angrier I get!! I am so tired of:

 

-having to hide, restaurants, shops out of the way..we cant go out in our own city

-lying to my family and friends

-hearing how "complicated" it is for him to leave

-feeling so wrapped up in him...I'm more independent than this!!

-the guilt..omg the guilt. Enough said

-hating myself for doing this to another woman..I'm a better person than this

 

I read in another thread someone say something to the effect of " you are an adult who IS capable of making a decision" (paraphrasing) and you know what?? I am!! And I will...as much as it hurts and is hard..I attempted the start of NC on Friday and he's not really listening and I'm not being firm enough..however every single time I think about having to leave that hotel room (see my other thread) in the middle of the night because "he couldn't stay" I get angrier. I deserve so so much more

 

End rant.

 

What are you tired of???

[sunburned]

Umm, tired of OW complaining about their MM, followed immediately by declarations of their own inability to go NC?

 

By the way, initiating NC can start and end with you. If YOU are NC it doesn't matter if he's failing to adhere. And I say that with all the love and respect of someone who's had an unbelievably hard time achieving NC for 4 mos. Sit on your hands if you must. It keeps them warm in the winter anyway.

[Nothisgirl]

Umm, tired of OW complaining about their MM, followed immediately by declarations of their own inability to go NC?

 

By the way, initiating NC can start and end with you. If YOU are NC it doesn't matter if he's failing to adhere. And I say that with all the love and respect of someone who's had an unbelievably hard time achieving NC for 4 mos. Sit on your hands if you must. It keeps them warm in the winter anyway.

 

Thanks for that...But Let me ask you something...prior to you going NC would a post like yours have helped you?

 

Listen...I am an intelligent woman and this is most definitely the stupidest most irresponsible thing I have ever done. That said, I am not perfect and I recognize I need to be the one to end it because he won't.

 

This is the OM/OW sub forum so if you're tired of reading posts like mine I suggest you not read any farther....many of us are struggling with our feelings and thoughts..you'll likely read more than one post where an OM or an OW is having a hard time going NC.... And, I say that, with all the love and respect of someone who understands that this could be frustrating for those of you who have managed to make the break from your married partner..unfortunately we're not all there yet.

[Cinnimon]

Nothisgirl, I finally got up the nerve to tell mm to stop contacting me.I had just had enough of the hurt and it seemed as though he was okay. He would talk about work and upcoming events in his life and he would laugh about things, all while I felt like the life was being sucked out of me. One night I just got pissed off and told him ENOUGH ALREADY. It has been hard, REALLY HARD as in missing the things we did have BUT as far as the things you mentioned above, I do not miss them at all. I can tell that while I do miss him and still love him with all my heart, it has become easier a little each day. You come to not EXPECT or WAIT on the texts and calls. You start to regain your worth and start to feel a type of freedom from all the BS. Your heart won't feel free for a while but your head starts to clear fairly quickly. I know I still have a long way to go but I also know I had to end it, he never would. Why would he? I feel for you, I really do.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Thanks for that...But Let me ask you something...prior to you going NC would a post like yours have helped you?

 

Listen...I am an intelligent woman and this is most definitely the stupidest most irresponsible thing I have ever done. That said, I am not perfect and I recognize I need to be the one to end it because he won't.

 

This is the OM/OW sub forum so if you're tired of reading posts like mine I suggest you not read any farther....many of us are struggling with our feelings and thoughts..you'll likely read more than one post where an OM or an OW is having a hard time going NC.... And, I say that, with all the love and respect of someone who understands that this could be frustrating for those of you who have managed to make the break from your married partner..unfortunately we're not all there yet.

Your first response is to be defensive..and rightfully so. I know how you feel.. 110%! But at the end of the day, these selfish cake eating pieces of garbage will not likely walk away. Mine didn't, he may have backed off but, never had the balls to end things. I finally had enough of feeling rejected, disappointed, sad, and sick of hearing myself try to analyze the situation. There will never be a good time to end things, i know that all to well. And in reading another thread, if you said no contact..and he is still contacting you, he has no respect for you. It hurts like hell..i am there now and it sucks.

You deserve more! Demand more for yourself, want more for you, and respect yourself! Promise you..you aren't alone, and you can do this! You just have to WANT to live your life for you....and screw him! Because at the end of the day... we are not their real lives... we are a fantasy...

[Cinnimon]

Your first response is to be defensive..and rightfully so. I know how you feel.. 110%! But at the end of the day, these selfish cake eating pieces of garbage will not likely walk away. Mine didn't, he may have backed off but, never had the balls to end things. I finally had enough of feeling rejected, disappointed, sad, and sick of hearing myself try to analyze the situation. There will never be a good time to end things, i know that all to well. And in reading another thread, if you said no contact..and he is still contacting you, he has no respect for you. It hurts like hell..i am there now and it sucks.

You deserve more! Demand more for yourself, want more for you, and respect yourself! Promise you..you aren't alone, and you can do this! You just have to WANT to live your life for you....and screw him! Because at the end of the day... we are not their real lives... we are a fantasy...

 

What she said....except for the screw him part, don't do that!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist RR

[Clay]

Did you really expect it would work out for you with him being married? I mean come on. If he is willing to lie to his wife to be with you then he will lie to you to be with his wife.

 

Why not find a man that is single and will give you all the attention you deserve? Sure its not the same as this man but really its not like you are getting 100% from this guy anyhow. The reason your upset is because he likes having you and his wife.

 

If you really want better then you have to start making better choices.

 

I wish you success in what ever you do.

 

Clay

[Nothisgirl]

Did you really expect it would work out for you with him being married? I mean come on. If he is willing to lie to his wife to be with you then he will lie to you to be with his wife.

 

Why not find a man that is single and will give you all the attention you deserve? Sure its not the same as this man but really its not like you are getting 100% from this guy anyhow. The reason your upset is because he likes having you and his wife.

 

If you really want better then you have to start making better choices.

 

I wish you success in what ever you do.

 

Clay

 

Ty for the response ...no, I never expected or wanted him to leave. I just didn't expect to fall in love with him ...Thought i was smarter than that ..apparently not..I came out of a really ****ty relationship and he filled a void. We connect, but I get that he's not mine and its a quasi relationship...my head gets all of that, but my heart hasn't caught up.... Which I know isn't justification for making poor choices. I get that.

 

I read a quote and your post jarred it back to my memory

 

"Forget how you feel, remember what you deserve"

 

Wash, rinse, repeat

[Nothisgirl]

Your first response is to be defensive..and rightfully so. I know how you feel.. 110%! But at the end of the day, these selfish cake eating pieces of garbage will not likely walk away. Mine didn't, he may have backed off but, never had the balls to end things. I finally had enough of feeling rejected, disappointed, sad, and sick of hearing myself try to analyze the situation. There will never be a good time to end things, i know that all to well. And in reading another thread, if you said no contact..and he is still contacting you, he has no respect for you. It hurts like hell..i am there now and it sucks.

You deserve more! Demand more for yourself, want more for you, and respect yourself! Promise you..you aren't alone, and you can do this! You just have to WANT to live your life for you....and screw him! Because at the end of the day... we are not their real lives... we are a fantasy...

 

I tried really hard to not be defensive but yes, that response got my back up.

 

How exactly did you end it? How are you following through? what did you say? I said NC but in fairness to him I haven't followed through on ignoring him etc.

 

I'm going to copy this part of your post:

You deserve more! Demand more for yourself, want more for you, and respect yourself!

 

And read it over and over...thank you. I needed to read this

[Nothisgirl]

Nothisgirl, I finally got up the nerve to tell mm to stop contacting me.I had just had enough of the hurt and it seemed as though he was okay. He would talk about work and upcoming events in his life and he would laugh about things, all while I felt like the life was being sucked out of me. One night I just got pissed off and told him ENOUGH ALREADY. It has been hard, REALLY HARD as in missing the things we did have BUT as far as the things you mentioned above, I do not miss them at all. I can tell that while I do miss him and still love him with all my heart, it has become easier a little each day. You come to not EXPECT or WAIT on the texts and calls. You start to regain your worth and start to feel a type of freedom from all the BS. Your heart won't feel free for a while but your head starts to clear fairly quickly. I know I still have a long way to go but I also know I had to end it, he never would. Why would he? I feel for you, I really do.

 

My heart is heavy for you but I am so so happy to read you are starting to feel better about YOU even if its a slow climb..

You deserve to feel amazing, happy, confident!

 

Thanks for reading and responding....it's so comforting to know I am not alone

[Nothisgirl]

What happened with the hotel room and leaving in the middle of night? I couldnt find the other thread.

 

 

Long story short is that he picked me up for a "date" we typically meet in a neutral spot and take my car from there..anyways he picked me up at my house and told me he had rented a room in a really lovely hotel..arranged dinner and wine...keep in mind I had made up my mind to initiate NC that night so I think he must have known and upped the ante...anyways, we talked, laughed, cried..I said NC was what I needed but wasn't very firm...anyways I feel asleep in his arms only to be woken at 1am still dizzy from drinking wine to be told he couldn't stay the night and we had to check out and drive home...I was in my bed, alone, by 230am...I don't think I've ever felt more pissed/humiliated

 

I know that he doesn't see it that way but I really don't care. Mm needs to start using his brain...

[Cinnimon]

Oh Nothisgirl, you are so not alone. From reading and reading and reading these threads for months now I see a sort of common pattern to the stages of these A. I think it helped me to see where my own A was going and what stage I would probably hit next, sure enough. I know NC is hard, this will be my 3 try at it, but it IS different this time for some reason. I think you will get there although your heart is fighting you as hard as it can. It still hurts me trust me, but NC has at least stopped the confusion in my MIND from hearing someone say I love you, I want you, I need you but only as long as I can hide you..........

Stay strong sweety, I'm rooting for YOU!!!

[Nothisgirl]

I love you, I want you, I need you but only as long as I can hide you.........!

 

 

Yes, so true!

 

See I think that was one of the things that made me think we were different..but then, I came here, and read and read and realized he's likely not worried aBout being discreet and getting caught because he hasn't been yet..does that make sense? Like He really doesn't get or maybe hasn't thought through the consequences...but it's only a matter of time before we do get caught and I just need out before then.

And, if he wants to leave his marriage he can do that. On his own. I'm not holding he hand and walking him through it

[Cinnimon]

Yes, so true!

 

See I think that was one of the things that made me think we were different..but then, I came here, and read and read and realized he's likely not worried aBout being discreet and getting caught because he hasn't been yet..does that make sense? Like He really doesn't get or maybe hasn't thought through the consequences...but it's only a matter of time before we do get caught and I just need out before then.

And, if he wants to leave his marriage he can do that. On his own. I'm not holding he hand and walking him through it

Makes total sense, they never think they'll be caught AND from reading here I feel like a lot of OW feel that if they were to be caught it would give them that little push to walk away BUT in most cases I see that they either just cut it off abruptly or they throw the other woman under the bus and try to sneak back in. Either scenario would be horrifying to me.

[Nothisgirl]

Makes total sense, they never think they'll be caught AND from reading here I feel like a lot of OW feel that if they were to be caught it would give them that little push to walk away BUT in most cases I see that they either just cut it off abruptly or they throw the other woman under the bus and try to sneak back in. Either scenario would be horrifying to me.

 

Me too..the embarrassment. I.just.cant. Not to mention I know that if he did leave he would expect me to help him pick up the pieces and I want no part of that. There needs to be a separation of the two R's..I know a little late :/ but I think you'll get what I mean

 

And yes, that's what I've taken from what I've read on here as well..there seems to be a trend to the A that isn't changed much by individual circumstances

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I tried really hard to not be defensive but yes, that response got my back up.

 

How exactly did you end it? How are you following through? what did you say? I said NC but in fairness to him I haven't followed through on ignoring him etc.

 

I'm going to copy this part of your post:

You deserve more! Demand more for yourself, want more for you, and respect yourself!

 

And read it over and over...thank you. I needed to read this

I ended it like this... almost 2 weeks ago, we were talking and right in the middle of a conversation he cut me off, saying he had to get off the work phone because he didn't want to run it up. See..we had OUR D-day 16 months ago, well actually he did...my BS did not find out. So, we talked using his work phone. Anyways, I was upset at the lack of respect and just the way things have been going lately. So, the next day I didn't call him... he texted me that afternoon saying hi and some other stuff. I thought about ending it the proper way, but I have tried that so many times before and he never listened, he always got back in, and I allowed it. So, i texted him back pretending to be my husband...basically saying do not text my wife anymore, I know all about you. I knew that would assure he would not contact me, and he didn't. He called a friend of mine to see what happened, she played along. I went a week of NC, but I couldn't handle having no closure, silence was killing me! So, i called him last Friday... he said he can't handle it anymore. We said our Goodbyes... and haven't heard a word since. He told me I could call him if I ever wanted to talk.. i said.. NO, THANK YOU :-)

I was involved with this man for 3 1/2 years... it is so hard to deal with all the feelings I have. But I know I will be better off, and that is what keeps me strong. Of coarse I want to call hIm... want to know what he's doing, how his day was... but it won't do me any good.

My affair was wrong...I know that. But, the damage is done and I am suffering the consequences of my actions right now. But, I will remain strong to keep him out of my life... because I deserve peace, and to find my happiness again.

 

You can do this! DESERVE...DESERVE...DESERVE.... keep telling yourself that. It is about you..not him.

[Cinnimon]

Me too..the embarrassment. I.just.cant. Not to mention I know that if he did leave he would expect me to help him pick up the pieces and I want no part of that. There needs to be a separation of the two R's..I know a little late :/ but I think you'll get what I mean

 

And yes, that's what I've taken from what I've read on here as well..there seems to be a trend to the A that isn't changed much by individual circumstances

You know what really got to me in the end. I found myself actually saying the words "you have all the power" to him. I thought about it and realized that I was giving him that power, he wasn't taking it. I could walk away, he could not. Who really has the power?

[Nothisgirl]

You know what really got to me in the end. I found myself actually saying the words "you have all the power" to him. I thought about it and realized that I was giving him that power, he wasn't taking it. I could walk away, he could not. Who really has the power?

 

My gf said this to me...and you're both right. Time to take back control... I am really disappointed in myself for letting it get this far. I think realistically most OW hold the power but most of us have this internal need to please so we (too easily) give it over to them

[Nothisgirl]

I ended it like this... almost 2 weeks ago, we were talking and right in the middle of a conversation he cut me off, saying he had to get off the work phone because he didn't want to run it up. See..we had OUR D-day 16 months ago, well actually he did...my BS did not find out. So, we talked using his work phone. Anyways, I was upset at the lack of respect and just the way things have been going lately. So, the next day I didn't call him... he texted me that afternoon saying hi and some other stuff. I thought about ending it the proper way, but I have tried that so many times before and he never listened, he always got back in, and I allowed it. So, i texted him back pretending to be my husband...basically saying do not text my wife anymore, I know all about you. I knew that would assure he would not contact me, and he didn't. He called a friend of mine to see what happened, she played along. I went a week of NC, but I couldn't handle having no closure, silence was killing me! So, i called him last Friday... he said he can't handle it anymore. We said our Goodbyes... and haven't heard a word since. He told me I could call him if I ever wanted to talk.. i said.. NO, THANK YOU :-)

I was involved with this man for 3 1/2 years... it is so hard to deal with all the feelings I have. But I know I will be better off, and that is what keeps me strong. Of coarse I want to call hIm... want to know what he's doing, how his day was... but it won't do me any good.

My affair was wrong...I know that. But, the damage is done and I am suffering the consequences of my actions right now. But, I will remain strong to keep him out of my life... because I deserve peace, and to find my happiness again.

 

You can do this! DESERVE...DESERVE...DESERVE.... keep telling yourself that. It is about you..not him.

 

Good for you!!although i imagine its heartbreaking going NC like that .... Going from talking every day to nothing...must be an adjustment....I wish there was a way to have him in my life..as a friend but I don't think that can happen

 

So, your spouse never found out?

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Good for you!!although i imagine its heartbreaking going NC like that .... Going from talking every day to nothing...must be an adjustment....I wish there was a way to have him in my life..as a friend but I don't think that can happen

 

So, your spouse never found out?

Honestly, I think trying to keep them as a friend is more heart breaking. It just reminds you of the way things were.

 

No, my BS doesn't know a thing. My selfishness would destroy him, if he knew anything. A few times I almost told him but, I couldn't do it. I know that's wrong, but I believe if he knew anything he would be gone. I can't handle anymore right now.

 

I will tell you that finding a good therapist helps. Mine has helped me really put things into perspective :-)

[Nothisgirl]

Did he not know he would have to leave at 1:00 a.m.? What i mean is, were you and he under the impression you'd both be able to stay the whole night in the hotel, and then something changed in the middle of the night and he had to leave? Or did he know all along he could only stay part of the night, but didnt bother to tell you that?

 

He told me when we got there, after I'd had a few glasses of wine. It didn't sink in until it was 1 am and I had to get up. He stay sadly my place often and leaves at 3-4 to go home..but it's a totally different feeling to have to leave a hotel in the middle of the night

[Clay]

Ty for the response ...no, I never expected or wanted him to leave. I just didn't expect to fall in love with him ...Thought i was smarter than that ..apparently not..I came out of a really ****ty relationship and he filled a void. We connect, but I get that he's not mine and its a quasi relationship...my head gets all of that, but my heart hasn't caught up.... Which I know isn't justification for making poor choices. I get that.

 

I read a quote and your post jarred it back to my memory

 

"Forget how you feel, remember what you deserve"

 

Wash, rinse, repeat

 

It is harder to back out. You see all the warning signs some more obvious than others but some where you hope there is going to be something great come of all of this.

 

You can't be the only one feeling the way you are. How could he just walk away from this feeling.

 

Let me tell you I bought this hook line and sinker once and did get the girl in the end. I actually talked to her Husband one day on the phone and he told me you have no idea what you are getting into. He said shes always sick even when she is not. I'm thinking in my head this guy is just saying anything he can to push me from her. He goes on telling all kinds of other wilds things. I figure he is off his rocker. Sure enough she leaves him and they start the divorce. I spent six months with her living together. She demanded I marry her. Every thing he had said was true. She was crazy. I told her I was not going to marry her and she left a few weeks later.

 

It was probably one of the worst situations I had ever gotten myself into. I ruined their marriage not like it was much of one but it was theirs and they did have kids together. I caused my own kids a lot of grief they do live with me I have custody of them.

 

I learned a lot from that experience. Careful what you wish for you just might get it.

 

You say you love him. I say RUN while you still can.

 

Clay

[Popsicle]

Confusion.

Guess work.

Unsatisfied desires.

[Popsicle]

Long story short is that he picked me up for a "date" we typically meet in a neutral spot and take my car from there..anyways he picked me up at my house and told me he had rented a room in a really lovely hotel..arranged dinner and wine...keep in mind I had made up my mind to initiate NC that night so I think he must have known and upped the ante...anyways, we talked, laughed, cried..I said NC was what I needed but wasn't very firm...anyways I feel asleep in his arms only to be woken at 1am still dizzy from drinking wine to be told he couldn't stay the night and we had to check out and drive home...I was in my bed, alone, by 230am...I don't think I've ever felt more pissed/humiliated

 

I know that he doesn't see it that way but I really don't care. Mm needs to start using his brain...

 

That is awful. He treated you like a whore and he didn't even have to pay for it. SMH.

[Nothisgirl]

That is awful. He treated you like a whore and he didn't even have to pay for it. SMH.

 

He paid for the room...I know because he have me the cash and asked me to go to the front desk and check us in..even typing that makes me angry :/ and embarrassed.

And he would never see it that way

 

But you're absolutely right