Dating for 1.5 years. Seems perfect, then She Randomly Gave her number to a stranger.

[tonedeath]

Hi everyone. First post here. Thanks in advance for any advice!

 

So, my gf and I have been dating for 1.5 years. Known each other for years before that (we were both in long term relationships before). I have to tell you, our relationship is incredibly hot. I mean absolutely amazing sex, and we go together great. Very much in love. And, without going into too much detail, we both gave up a lot to be together.

 

So anyway, last week we took a vacation to florida. We're at a hotel bar together, sitting outside on the patio, and this older dude comes up and asks if he could join us. We say of course. Swanky place, good crowd. Dude was a well-off, good looking older guy about 45-50 (we're 30). He was from San Diego, and we're from Boston.

 

So the conversation starts out pleasant enough. Then he starts "complimenting" her, if you get my drift. Not in a super sleazy kind of way. It was actually pretty funny. I mean the guy was really tanked, and sitting in a chair on the other side of a big coffee table from us, while we were on a couch together. He was just saying things like "wow, she's sexy" "you did well" "got you're hot!". And to her he would say things like "he's so cool" "you better lock him down". etc. Same game you've seen a million times before. I was a little ticked off as it went on and on and on, but I never felt threatened for a minute. I just passed it off, gave him a couple of knowing glares, when I thought he went to far, but nothing super overt. I was cordial, and confident. We were both just kind of laughing and carrying on the conversation with this quirky older guy who apparently had a thing for my girl.

 

Anyway, as we're about to leave, she gives him her card completely out of the blue and says to him to keep in touch. The card contains her work number and linkedin profile. I know this guy is from 3000 miles away from us, but it really pissed me off that she did that. I mean the guy was drunk and OBVIOUSLY hitting on her. Usually when that happens, I would just say to myself "Hey my girl's hot. Dudes are gonna hit on her. Good compliment". But the fact that she gave him her card completely blindsided me, and was really unnerving.

 

Anyway, we get up, and then some of our female friends came out of the bar, and he immediately started hitting on one of them. In much the same way, but she didn't have a guy with her. We all left together (without the older dude), and then my girlfriend says to me "well, he got kinda creepy at the end there, but that was a pleasant conversation until that point, huh?". To myself I'm thinking, "yeah, he got creepy AFTER he started hitting on your friend, but 3 minutes before when he was hitting on you, and you gave him your card, it was all cool?!?!"

 

All I actually said to her was "yeah that was funny. I don't really know why you gave him your card though". She turned kinda read, looked very puzzled, and said "Oh... Well, I just thought he was funny. And we're both in sales, so I thought it would be nice to keep in touch". I let it go from there.

 

I'm asking myself: Why would she do this? Am I reading too much into things? Am I wrong about how much she loves me? Should I address it further, or let it slide?

 

This is just some mindwarp crap and I'm looking for some insight.

[d0nnivain]

Let it go. I hand out my business card to anybody & everybody. In business you never know where your next lead will come from.

 

People in sales are naturally outgoing & a tad flirty but it rarely means more than I want you to buy what I'm selling.

 

If when you get home you find out that your GF wants to go somewhere alone with him, pay attention. Until then, don't sweat it.

 

If she gave him her personal cell phone, that would be a different story.

[InnocentMan]

Kinda crossed a line when you let another dude call your woman 'sexy' etc, while you're sat there. That should have been the end of the interaction in my book. Saying that, obviously drunk guys that randomly talk to you get on my tits.

[tonedeath]

Kinda crossed a line when you let another dude call your woman 'sexy' etc, while you're sat there. That should have been the end of the interaction in my book. Saying that, obviously drunk guys that randomly talk to you get on my tits.

 

Yeah, I agree. But it was such a nice evening, the dude was obviously hammered, and my gf hates drama. I just basically decided that it was best to leave it alone. If he was getting in her grill (or even near her), I would have said something, but we were separated by a big coffee table, and it just didn't phase me. Plus the fact that he was 20 years older, made it seem like less of a threat internally to me.

 

I mean, he was being kinda funny about it, and I was kinda jokingly telling him to watch his mouth, but it was mostly in good fun on both our parts. I'm not super possessive or jealous, because I trust my girl. But, that said, it really miffed me when she gave the card out to a dude who obviously would have tried to pick her up if I weren't there.

 

Let it go. I hand out my business card to anybody & everybody. In business you never know where your next lead will come from.

 

People in sales are naturally outgoing & a tad flirty but it rarely means more than I want you to buy what I'm selling.

 

If when you get home you find out that your GF wants to go somewhere alone with him, pay attention. Until then, don't sweat it.

 

If she gave him her personal cell phone, that would be a different story.

 

I hear ya. I'm in sales too, so I know how it goes. I'm thinking I just let it go, but internally it's on my mind, so I think it's making me act differently. I'm viewing her through the filter of that action, and I have to find a way to let it go INTERNALLY before I can let it go externally. Know what I mean? I know she loves me. I really do. And I love her. It's just that it was so unlike her (at least what I've seen of her) and so out of the blue, that it made me slightly second-guess my security as the only guy she wants.

Edited December 18, 2013 by tonedeath

[aussietigerwolf]

If its going to bother you that much then talk to her but I think she was thinking of him as a lead instead of someone to cheat with.

[InnocentMan]

I understand the need to avoid drama, but I don't think it's overly dramatic just to remove yourself from these type of situations. Imagine the roles were reversed, and it was a drunk chick coming on to you. Would your woman have been happy for you to sit there lapping it up, and then giving her your card?

 

Maybe it's different in the US, but over here, that dude would have woken up with a sore jaw. It's not a jealousy thing, it's a respect thing. I suppose it boils down to what you're willing to accept, but the card thing has obviously pissed you off. I'm just saying it shouldn't have got to that stage.

[ThatMan]

So a man, a creepy drunk, and saleswoman walk into a bar...

This sounds like a terrible pun.

 

You didn't want to create drama? Telling somebody off or walking away isn't drama. Standing there while doing nothing seems like a bad joke. And the joke is on you. I'm sure that older gentleman, if capable of even remembering the guy who awkwardly stood there in silence, would think that your spineless and never grew a pair. Harsh, and I'm sorry if that burns, but now you have something to think on. It's okay to ask some random drunk to knock it off if he's bothering you.

Edited December 18, 2013 by ThatMan
phone

[drifter777]

She's perfect, huh? Wow, how much more disrespectful can a woman be? Take a guess at how many other guys she's handed out her name/number to?

 

Stop taking your relationship with her seriously because it ain't gonna last much longer. She's on the hunt for a new guy and she wants you to know it.

Edited December 18, 2013 by drifter777

[aussietigerwolf]

it was just her business card right? well I gave an older guy my business card in front of my boyfriend too... was I looking for someone else? no... I was looking for a sale.

[crederer]

Yah I dunno. I saw a text in my ex's phone that was like "it was nice meeting you lastnight (she was at a bar), beautiful girl, cute laugh. I hope I get to see you again sometime".

 

She responded with "Sorry I shouldn't have given you my number I have a boyfriend."

 

Then I was like "WTF is this about? What friggin planet are you from where this is okay?"

 

She said she was flirting with the guy to get free drinks (which was something she did and we discussed before and I was cool with it. I think it's all about the intent and if she's playing a guy to get a free drink, so be it).

 

Aaaaand you thought giving him your number was okay because......????

 

Any way, we broke up about a month later. It was weird cause up until that point we seemed to have a great relationship then all the sudden, boom there it is. we were together for a year at that point.

 

This case doesn't sound quite as bad but I feel you man. It could have been completely innocent, probably was, but keep your eyes peeled.

[road]

But the fact that she gave him her card completely blindsided me, and was really unnerving.

 

 

Normal to feel this way.

 

 

Anyway, we get up, and then some of our female friends came out of the bar, and he immediately started hitting on one of them. In much the same way, but she didn't have a guy with her. We all left together (without the older dude), and then my girlfriend says to me "well, he got kinda creepy at the end there, but that was a pleasant conversation until that point, huh?". To myself I'm thinking, "yeah, he got creepy AFTER he started hitting on your friend, but 3 minutes before when he was hitting on you, and you gave him your card, it was all cool?!?!"

 

 

Why passive aggressive?

 

You should of told your GF how she found him cool then creepy.

 

 

All I actually said to her was "yeah that was funny. I don't really know why you gave him your card though". She turned kinda read, looked very puzzled, and said "Oh... Well, I just thought he was funny. And we're both in sales, so I thought it would be nice to keep in touch". I let it go from there.

 

 

This was the time to grow a pair and call her on her bull manure.

 

 

I'm asking myself: Why would she do this? Am I reading too much into things? Am I wrong about how much she loves me? Should I address it further, or let it slide?

 

 

Why, because she liked the attention and wanted more from him. Yes you are wrong. Man up and tell your GF.

 

What troubles is the lack of why it was so hard for the both of you to get together as a couple, explain?

[road]

She said she was flirting with the guy to get free drinks (which was something she did and we discussed before and I was cool with it. I think it's all about the intent and if she's playing a guy to get a free drink, so be it).

 

Aaaaand you thought giving him your number was okay because......????

 

Any way, we broke up about a month later. It was weird cause up until that point we seemed to have a great relationship then all the sudden, boom there it is. we were together for a year at that point.

 

 

 

A great relationship for her. Use you till she could trade up.

 

 

The person you date needs integrity.

 

 

A girl in a relationship does not let other men buy her drinks.

 

 

For a GF to accept drinks is wrong due to the message she is sending.

 

 

However for a girl that is in a relationship to actively work men to buy her drinks is not a girl that anyone should date.

 

 

I would have no problem buying an available girl, meaning relationship free, drinks all night long, just to get a shot at getting her number and a date. Relationships have to have a beginning.

 

 

By closing time I could of felt that I just escaped a bullet. What was I thinking. Or be lucky I got her number. Or disappointed I got shot down. Though I had a good time and gave it my all. I gave it my best shot in a fair fight.

 

 

Fraud now matter the financial amount is still fraud and wrong.

 

 

Her moral, value system is messed up.

 

 

Yours is not better because you knew how she was playing men while dating you at the same time.

 

 

Neither of you know how to have a healthy relationship.

 

 

Anyway I would of been direct with her and told her the things you thought but did not the testicular fortitude to tell her.

[Maxtor]

So a guy hits your girlfriend in front of you and you just let it happen.

 

You accept that.

 

Then she gives her card to him. You got mad.

 

 

 

You opened the door by letting him do that in front of you. I wonder what she does when she is not with you. I dont care if my girl likes drama or not, she is mine, she is with me, i'll drama it out if i want.

 

Dude. more self-respect.

 

Edit. By the way, I think I'm a very nice guy, because when some girl with bf starts to hit on me (its rare, but it happened) i make the guy feel confortable because i would hate if someone did that to me.

 

Anyways, this is his line of thought "what a moron, i just stood there, flirting with his girl, i even got her number, haha, what a jackass".

[tonedeath]

You guys all bring up good points. I think I should provide more information, and clarify a bit. My line of thinking is this: my girlfriend is hot. I know this. Dudes are going to hit on her. If I get all bent out of shape that only makes me look insecure and weak, by getting all up in some dudes face for telling her she's hot. If a guy gets out of line, is disrespectful to her, or tries to get in any way physical, I'll say something or do something for sure.

 

This guy wasn't even doing that. He was just commenting on her beauty (albeit a bit too often). He said he was engaged to be married, and was going on and on about how much he loved his fiance, etc. and was just saying that my girl was beautiful, charming, and that I found a good one. As the hour that we were with him progressed, and he had like two more drinks, his language got a little more explicit, and that's when it started to piss me off a bit, so I let him know that I knew what he was up to. Basically I'd say sarcastic (but jokingly) stuff like "I can't really tell if you like my girl, dude. You should make it more obvious." "Yes, she is beautiful, thank you for noticing...Again." "Tell me again, because I forget, do you think my girlfriend is sexy?" "Hey man, you better watch your mouth" (again, kinda jokingly, because the entire conversation was tongue-in-cheek, but certainly not weakly). So it's not like I just clammed up and shrunk in a corner while he was macking on her. I just kept it light, because I didn't think the situation called for anything more forceful. It really and honestly seemed like it was mostly in good fun. Not to mention, that almost as much as he was complimenting her, he was complimenting me. Yes, I know that's game, but I have to admit it was a bit disarming.

 

So that's more detail. I understand maybe I should have reacted differently, but I didn't at the time. I'm not the jealous type. My thinking is if a girl cheats on me, or is dishonest, I'll just drop her and find a new one. It's never been hard for me to get girls. I'm good looking, make friends easily, am well known and well liked in my area, etc. So I've always just said to myself, if a girl acts in such a way that makes me jealous in a relationship, then maybe the relationship is not worth my time and it's time to move on. I've lived by that code, and I've never regretted it.

 

This girl has been different for me. We were friends for years before we hooked up. We had a lot of mutual friends, and were friendly with each others' ex-significant others. When we got together, it was tumultuous, but our feelings were so strong, and had been brewing for some time, and it just could no longer be ignored. We were honest, told both of our ex-SOs our feelings, and carried on after that. Neither of us wanted the turmoil, but it was inevitable. You find a way around the obstacles and make it work. We did, and the relationship has blossomed into something I never could have dreamed was possible. We're so much alike, love the same things, support each other immensely, the sex is literally mind-blowing (seriously, it's the best sex I've ever had), and we're just a really good match.

 

Up until this moment, I've never felt anything but completely secure in the relationship. There was even a time when a co-worker of hers was hitting on her (at work through IM) and she told me about it, because it made her uncomfortable. I only met the guy once, before I knew what happened. I asked her if she wanted me to do something about it, and she said no she would handle it. She put him on ignore and he went away. She handled it herself, and expressed no interest, so I never even batted an eye about that. The only time with her I got a little jealous, was with a guy friend of her's whom she's known since high school. I thought she was getting a little flirty with him one night, but looking back I think my feelings were unfounded. They hardly ever see or talk with each other, and I think it's really platonic. She and I are both flirty by nature, so it's no big deal. Anyway, I trust her completely. Up until that night on vacation, I've never really had a reason not to.

 

So, maybe I didn't react the way I should have. I acknowledge that. But I can't go back to that moment. All I can do is move forward in the correct way. So my question now is, should I address this and tell her my feelings about it? Or will that make me look weak/jealous, and jeopardize my standing with her? If I SHOULD say something....what should I say?

 

Thanks again for the help.

Edited December 18, 2013 by tonedeath

[Chi townD]

it was just her business card right? well I gave an older guy my business card in front of my boyfriend too... was I looking for someone else? no... I was looking for a sale.

 

There's no guarantee that those two were in the same line of sales. If she's in textiles and he's in pharmaceuticals, then there's no reason to give that person your card. There's no benefit of a sale. No possible future business transactions. No senergy flow!

 

She gave him her business card because she thought he was funny and charming, nothing more.

[tonedeath]

There's no guarantee that those two were in the same line of sales. If she's in textiles and he's in pharmaceuticals, then there's no reason to give that person your card. There's no benefit of a sale. No possible future business transactions. No senergy flow!

 

She gave him her business card because she thought he was funny and charming, nothing more.

 

You are absolutely right about that. They are not in the same line of sales. I should have mentioned that that is why I didn't buy her explanation.

 

EDIT: But then again, he lives 3000 miles away, so even if I didn't trust her (I do), I don't think she would be looking for a cheat with him. She could find it way easier than that if she wanted it. This only adds to my confusion though. Regardless, I'm stuck at "what do I do now..."

Edited December 18, 2013 by tonedeath

[Maxtor]

You are absolutely right about that. They are not in the same line of sales. I should have mentioned that that is why I didn't buy her explanation.

 

EDIT: But then again, he lives 3000 miles away, so even if I didn't trust her (I do), I don't think she would be looking for a cheat with him. She could find it way easier than that if she wanted it. This only adds to my confusion though. Regardless, I'm stuck at "what do I do now..."

 

Man, last time i saw a girl i was dating talking to some guys i didnt know, i went there, and who the **** are you kinda happened. I dont care what others think, i would do it again. Its not because I was jealous or scared, it was because i wanted to stand my ground, instead of wasting my energy thinking "OMG why did she do this? Who were they?" i went there. Was it nice? Maybe not, but at least i did some action. I know some hardcore tough guys, that have a sensitive spot, and they would do it. They arent afraid of confrontation. I look up to them.

[drifter777]

You are absolutely right about that. They are not in the same line of sales. I should have mentioned that that is why I didn't buy her explanation.

 

EDIT: But then again, he lives 3000 miles away, so even if I didn't trust her (I do), I don't think she would be looking for a cheat with him. She could find it way easier than that if she wanted it. This only adds to my confusion though. Regardless, I'm stuck at "what do I do now..."

The fact that you are bothered about this to the extent you are means something. Are you insecure in your relationship with her? Are you too insecure to show your true feelings to her? Like if you are honest about how this made you fell she will think you are weak and have less respect for you?

 

What do you want to do about this thing now?

[d0nnivain]

You seem like a pretty secure guy who knows the score. If your GF is as beautiful as you say, she will get hit on. It's a fact of life. You certainly can't control every drunk.

 

 

I still wouldn't sweat it. My husband is extremely handsome. He gets hit on by women and men. The last time we were in a bar, I was practically climbing inside DH's clothes with him, in a visual effort to "mark my territory" & get the guy who was hitting on him to back down. It didn't work. Even though I was sitting on DH's lap with my hands under the front of his sweater, the guy still asked for DH's phone #. Having a wry sense of humor, DH handed him one of my business cards.

 

 

Yeah, it was kind of uncool of her but in the grand scheme of things, this wasn't a lifestyle choice. You said it yourself -- you trust her.

 

 

If you are still bothered by it, talk to her. Express your trust & love for her. Don't accuse. Focus on how it was the unfortunate combo of alcohol, the guy's overly suggestive / flirtatious behavior and the fact that she gave him her business card that made you concerned. Ask her how she felt about the whole thing. Ask her to refrain from giving her business card to inappropriate drunks in the future. If you are nice about the discussion you won't come off as weak but you will come off as caring about her safety & your future together.

[tonedeath]

The fact that you are bothered about this to the extent you are means something. Are you insecure in your relationship with her? Are you too insecure to show your true feelings to her? Like if you are honest about how this made you fell she will think you are weak and have less respect for you?

 

What do you want to do about this thing now?

 

Thanks for the input. I'm not insecure to show my feelings, I just don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, and make an issue out of something that isn't really worth getting into.

 

And I'm not insecure about our relationship either. It's just that this was SO unlike her that it blindsided me.

[jeremy2125]

This older dude knows pickup! Keep him away, he will cause you a lot of trouble. Talk to your gf about it and then drop it. I've seen this before, I know how pickup artists work and behave. What you just described was classic pickup artist behavior. He knew just what to say and how to say it in front of you, just as if it was under the radar!! Make sure and include that when you talk to her about it. Try to understand that a big number of women will bite the hook on guys like that and your girl is a part of that number. It is more likely that she unintentionally chased him because he intentionally pulled an emotional trigger that gets any girl at any point in time so don't blame your girlfriend. Clearly, it doesn't matter what his age is, he was looking for a lay. So seriously talk to her about it, it will show that you don't approve and she'll have more respect for you afterward.

[tonedeath]

This older dude knows pickup! Keep him away, he will cause you a lot of trouble. Talk to your gf about it and then drop it. I've seen this before, I know how pickup artists work and behave. What you just described was classic pickup artist behavior. He knew just what to say and how to say it in front of you, just as if it was under the radar!! Make sure and include that when you talk to her about it. Try to understand that a big number of women will bite the hook on guys like that and your girl is a part of that number. It is more likely that she unintentionally chased him because he intentionally pulled an emotional trigger that gets any girl at any point in time so don't blame your girlfriend. Clearly, it doesn't matter what his age is, he was looking for a lay. So seriously talk to her about it, it will show that you don't approve and she'll have more respect for you afterward.

 

You're right about that. I suspect he knew very clearly what he was doing. He was able to slyly enchant her, while disarming me by making me think it was all in fun. I'm not denying that I was bested by the dude (but hey, he's had 20 more years of practice lol). Regardless, I knew what he was doing, and I still managed to get hosed by the dude. I know if I had left the bar, he would have escalated. Whether she would have reciprocated is a very different story though, and that's all I choose to concern myself with. I don't think she would have, but before that I would have bet $1000 she wouldn't have given him her card either.

 

As has been said before, hot girls get hit on. Fact of life. No biggie as long as she doesn't act on it. I know nothing "happened", but in some small way, giving him her card WAS acting on it. And right in front of me. That's what is disheartening to me, because if she was as totally happy with me as I thought, why would she feel the desire to keep in touch with this creeper? I dunno, I have a headache haha.

Edited December 18, 2013 by tonedeath

[Chi townD]

The fact that you are bothered about this to the extent you are means something. Are you insecure in your relationship with her? Are you too insecure to show your true feelings to her? Like if you are honest about how this made you fell she will think you are weak and have less respect for you?

 

What do you want to do about this thing now?

 

Normally, I would agree with you but, her explanation to him on why she gave that guy her card tells me something different.

 

"Oh... Well, I just thought he was funny. And we're both in sales, so I thought it would be nice to keep in touch"

 

On the bold. Why? He was just a flirty older gent with a buzz on in a bar. Why would you want to keep in touch? That tells me that she wants to establish some sort of relationship with him even if her intentions are friendly. To continue to converse with him on a private level.

 

To the OP, just because he's 3000 miles away doesn't mean that she can't cheat on you. You don't have to have sex with someone in order to cheat. There's Physical Affairs (PA) and emotional affairs (EA). She could be setting herself up for conducting an EA. She could be in contact with him looking for those ego boosts from him. Obviously, she's intrigued enough with him to continue to talk to him. And he'll butter her up. He'll be the shoulder to cry on if you two have a fight. And as soon as she gets more comfortable with him, they'll flirt with sexting. Then maybe full on sexting and as soon as he knows that it can be a sure thing (him being a successful businessman) he can easily find an excuse to travel out to the east coast. Then, ask your girl out to lunch or dinner while he just "happens to be in town".

 

It's a slippery slope dude. Now, will it all play out like that? Maybe yes and maybe no. All I know is that I've seen too many situations like this, and they never turn out well.

[tonedeath]

................It's a slippery slope dude. Now, will it all play out like that? Maybe yes and maybe no. All I know is that I've seen too many situations like this, and they never turn out well.

 

I dunno, that's quite a stretch from point A to point B. I mean, I guess it's a possibility, but I don't think there's much of a risk of all that happening. From a hypothetical standpoint, yes, that is a risk. But I don't see that as a threat in this particular instance.

 

Creepers come along everyday. I don't worry. It's when they get a phone number that sparks my concern. My main intrigue was her mentality behind it. If it was a completely random fluke, not to worry. But, I don't really believe in random, per se. So whatever her mentality behind the action, that's what I'm trying to understand. That, and how to navigate this ship to calm waters in a manly fashion lol.

[OnlyHonesty]

I think this a a gigantic Red Flag. I remember back when I was going out with this girl, a blond woman came up out of nowhere on the underground station. She was trying to stroke my arm etc.

 

I pulled away and made it very clear that I had no interest, my gf at the time noticed how uncomfortable I was and that I was not entertaining any of it.

 

Your gf should have respected you as a bf. She should have made it crystal clear that not only was she not going to give her number out under any circumstances, but that she had zero interest in any communication period. If she wants to make a sale, there are a million men and women of all ages who aren't trying to get into her panties or chat her up that she could have given her card to.

 

You seem to be trying to justify this event, others will surely say 'let it go' or 'no big deal' but I see it as blatantly disrespectful. Reverse the situation, how would your gf feel and what would she do if you did the same?

 

Just imagine, you are sitting with your gf, some hot tipsy woman walks over, attempts to chat you up and then you whip out your business card and say 'keep in touch babe'. Your gf says 'what was that about?'

 

You reply 'Oh don't worry babe, I just made a sale!'