Dating for 1.5 years. Seems perfect, then She Randomly Gave her number to a stranger.

[Debanked]

OP, you handled it like a boss, much cooler than a lot of us would have. I'd chalk it up to your girl making a dumb move after a few drinks. She probably enjoyed the flirting and attention and just had a brain fart. Carry on.

[tonedeath]

OP, you handled it like a boss, much cooler than a lot of us would have. I'd chalk it up to your girl making a dumb move after a few drinks. She probably enjoyed the flirting and attention and just had a brain fart. Carry on.

 

Thanks, homie. I appreciate the moral support. You're probably (and hopefully) right about the brain fart. That said, it's still a little unsettling. Know what I mean?

 

I think this a a gigantic Red Flag. I remember back when I was going out with this girl, a blond woman came up out of nowhere on the underground station. She was trying to stroke my arm etc.

 

I pulled away and made it very clear that I had no interest, my gf at the time noticed how uncomfortable I was and that I was not entertaining any of it.

 

Your gf should have respected you as a bf. She should have made it crystal clear that not only was she not going to give her number out under any circumstances, but that she had zero interest in any communication period. If she wants to make a sale, there are a million men and women of all ages who aren't trying to get into her panties or chat her up that she could have given her card to.

 

You seem to be trying to justify this event, others will surely say 'let it go' or 'no big deal' but I see it as blatantly disrespectful. Reverse the situation, how would your gf feel and what would she do if you did the same?

 

Just imagine, you are sitting with your gf, some hot tipsy woman walks over, attempts to chat you up and then you whip out your business card and say 'keep in touch babe'. Your gf says 'what was that about?'

 

You reply 'Oh don't worry babe, I just made a sale!'

 

Yeah, I hear you about the tables being turned. I've thought about that, and I'm sure she would be as shocked and confused as I am.

 

In my situation (and considering how you view it as a red flag), what do you think you would do at this point?

[tonedeath]

Another very subtle observation I made -and I'm just remembering now, to be honest- is regarding her body language that evening. I've studied body language a bit, and I know what most of it tends to mean. It's actually very helpful in sales when you can pick up on the subtle subconscious body language signals of your prospect. It is also relevant to the dating world, as I'm sure some of you know. Now I very well may be over-analyzing here, but bare with me...

 

She made no overt body language toward him that indicated interest. BUT, I do recall she was not sitting right up against me like she normally would be on a loveseat like the one that we were on, and her legs were crossed away from me. I remember that part because I have a mental picture of putting my hand on her thigh as we were talking. She was sitting on my left, and I put my hand on her right thigh, which was crossed over her left leg, and pointing away from me. Might be TOTALLY random, and unimportant, but I recalled it very clearly just now, and I thought I might as well mention it. Maybe it could have been a subconscious thing on her part. I dunno...

Edited December 19, 2013 by tonedeath

[soccerrprp]

Oh man, you're now digging for anything. Let it go.

[crederer]

A great relationship for her. Use you till she could trade up.

 

 

The person you date needs integrity.

 

 

A girl in a relationship does not let other men buy her drinks.

 

 

For a GF to accept drinks is wrong due to the message she is sending.

 

 

However for a girl that is in a relationship to actively work men to buy her drinks is not a girl that anyone should date.

 

 

I would have no problem buying an available girl, meaning relationship free, drinks all night long, just to get a shot at getting her number and a date. Relationships have to have a beginning.

 

 

By closing time I could of felt that I just escaped a bullet. What was I thinking. Or be lucky I got her number. Or disappointed I got shot down. Though I had a good time and gave it my all. I gave it my best shot in a fair fight.

 

 

Fraud now matter the financial amount is still fraud and wrong.

 

 

Her moral, value system is messed up.

 

 

Yours is not better because you knew how she was playing men while dating you at the same time.

 

 

Neither of you know how to have a healthy relationship.

 

 

Anyway I would of been direct with her and told her the things you thought but did not the testicular fortitude to tell her.

 

It's my ex. I thought I stated that. I had no problem with it. She got me a bunch of free drinks too. She'd go to the bar, talk for 2 minutes, get two drinks (one for her one for me) then come back to me. Go home with me, etc. Just cause I have a different opinion than you does not mean I lack testicular fortitude. You're probably the kind of guy she played for free drinks then got angry when she went home with a different guy.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi everyone. First post here. Thanks in advance for any advice!

 

So, my gf and I have been dating for 1.5 years. Known each other for years before that (we were both in long term relationships before). I have to tell you, our relationship is incredibly hot. I mean absolutely amazing sex, and we go together great. Very much in love. And, without going into too much detail, we both gave up a lot to be together.

 

So anyway, last week we took a vacation to florida. We're at a hotel bar together, sitting outside on the patio, and this older dude comes up and asks if he could join us. We say of course. Swanky place, good crowd. Dude was a well-off, good looking older guy about 45-50 (we're 30). He was from San Diego, and we're from Boston.

 

So the conversation starts out pleasant enough. Then he starts "complimenting" her, if you get my drift. Not in a super sleazy kind of way. It was actually pretty funny. I mean the guy was really tanked, and sitting in a chair on the other side of a big coffee table from us, while we were on a couch together. He was just saying things like "wow, she's sexy" "you did well" "got you're hot!". And to her he would say things like "he's so cool" "you better lock him down". etc. Same game you've seen a million times before. I was a little ticked off as it went on and on and on, but I never felt threatened for a minute. I just passed it off, gave him a couple of knowing glares, when I thought he went to far, but nothing super overt. I was cordial, and confident. We were both just kind of laughing and carrying on the conversation with this quirky older guy who apparently had a thing for my girl.

 

Anyway, as we're about to leave, she gives him her card completely out of the blue and says to him to keep in touch. The card contains her work number and linkedin profile. I know this guy is from 3000 miles away from us, but it really pissed me off that she did that. I mean the guy was drunk and OBVIOUSLY hitting on her. Usually when that happens, I would just say to myself "Hey my girl's hot. Dudes are gonna hit on her. Good compliment". But the fact that she gave him her card completely blindsided me, and was really unnerving.

 

Anyway, we get up, and then some of our female friends came out of the bar, and he immediately started hitting on one of them. In much the same way, but she didn't have a guy with her. We all left together (without the older dude), and then my girlfriend says to me "well, he got kinda creepy at the end there, but that was a pleasant conversation until that point, huh?". To myself I'm thinking, "yeah, he got creepy AFTER he started hitting on your friend, but 3 minutes before when he was hitting on you, and you gave him your card, it was all cool?!?!"

 

All I actually said to her was "yeah that was funny. I don't really know why you gave him your card though". She turned kinda read, looked very puzzled, and said "Oh... Well, I just thought he was funny. And we're both in sales, so I thought it would be nice to keep in touch". I let it go from there.

 

I'm asking myself: Why would she do this? Am I reading too much into things? Am I wrong about how much she loves me? Should I address it further, or let it slide?

 

This is just some mindwarp crap and I'm looking for some insight.

 

 

 

Given all of the details you added, I don't think I can condemn her at least until you suggest how the ending might have played-out had she not given her card. (AND that it might have been more comfortable in the then-present )

 

Furthermore, people in "sales" are in sales for a reason... they DO network that way, where to give-out their card is more standard procedure than it is to the rest of us.

 

If you and I could have some sort of an Ebeneezer Scrooge look at just where the last 100 business cards that your girlfriend gave out ended up, I don't know that this guy would be noteworthy, statistically speaking.

 

Try to move past it with minimal fanfare.

[OnlyHonesty]

it was just her business card right? well I gave an older guy my business card in front of my boyfriend too... was I looking for someone else? no... I was looking for a sale.

 

Yes but was the guy you gave your business card to calling you sexy and trying to hit on you?

 

It's all about context really. If he was sat with his gf in that same place and a guy talked for a while and said 'hey I'm in sales and a business partner could really do with xyz, we should keep in contact' it may be a bit different. However in the OP's case, this old man made his intentions clear, pleasure, not business.

[OnlyHonesty]

The fact that you are bothered about this to the extent you are means something. Are you insecure in your relationship with her? Are you too insecure to show your true feelings to her? Like if you are honest about how this made you fell she will think you are weak and have less respect for you?

 

What do you want to do about this thing now?

 

This situation is completely foreign to me so I couldn't say what I would do. I am used to the very loyal type who don't even acknowledge other guys around let alone give out a number but maybe that's not so common any more. I am curious, what would you do in this situation? Would you say something or just let it go cos it wouldn't matter?

[road]

It's my ex. I thought I stated that. I had no problem with it. She got me a bunch of free drinks too. She'd go to the bar, talk for 2 minutes, get two drinks (one for her one for me) then come back to me. Go home with me, etc. Just cause I have a different opinion than you does not mean I lack testicular fortitude. You're probably the kind of guy she played for free drinks then got angry when she went home with a different guy.

 

 

 

 

 

No girl is required to go out with you because you buy them drinks. No girl is even required to accept drinks. No girl is to be a target of one's anger because she does not want to go out with you.

 

 

To accept drinks on purpose when a girl is already in a relationship is wrong. She lacks morals pretending she is available.

 

 

For you to piggy back off of your GF scamming guys is just you doubling off her lack of morals.

[InnocentMan]

The whole 'buying women drinks' thing is just retarded. I'll occasionally buy them one drink, if I've been chatting to them for a while, and if they don't offer to buy one back, she's on her own.

 

Offering a drink as an opening gambit is very weak, and shows a lack of confidence. It's no wonder some women take advantage of this.

[TobyBoy]

How to defuse the situation.

 

Next time your out with some friends(with your girlfriend present), tell them the story of the creepy drunk old wanna-be player. Tell them exactly how he tried to charm your gf while disarming you. Tell them it was hilariously obvious what he was doing and pathetic at the same time. How you can't believe any woman could fall for such nonsense. Keep it light without showing any animosity. At the same time, watch your gf facial expressions. Gullible much?

 

Ps...Leave out the business card giving in your story.

 

Report back with results.

[road]

This older dude knows pickup! Keep him away, he will cause you a lot of trouble. Talk to your gf about it and then drop it. I've seen this before, I know how pickup artists work and behave. What you just described was classic pickup artist behavior. He knew just what to say and how to say it in front of you, just as if it was under the radar!! Make sure and include that when you talk to her about it. Try to understand that a big number of women will bite the hook on guys like that and your girl is a part of that number. It is more likely that she unintentionally chased him because he intentionally pulled an emotional trigger that gets any girl at any point in time so don't blame your girlfriend. Clearly, it doesn't matter what his age is, he was looking for a lay. So seriously talk to her about it, it will show that you don't approve and she'll have more respect for you afterward.

 

 

 

The truth.

[damien201]

You're way over thinking this man. You handled it the right way the first time around by playing along with the old guy confident in the fact that he had no chance with your girl. He was never a threat. He probably knew that too and was just drunk having a good night.

 

If you want to see this as a game, you won that night by calmly handling the situation without looking like an angry, jealous *******. You're starting to lose now by agonizing and ruminating over this.

 

Trust me, you won't like what happens if you bring this up with your girlfriend. You'll feel even more tormented because you'll feel weak for bringing it up. Because you've charged the situation you'll wonder even more whether they've been in contact. Your girlfriend will feel controlled and less trusted by you.

 

In your own words don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

[StarsOnFire]

OP, you handled it like a boss, much cooler than a lot of us would have. I'd chalk it up to your girl making a dumb move after a few drinks. She probably enjoyed the flirting and attention and just had a brain fart. Carry on.

 

I totally agree. Plus, if she was trying to be shady, I don't think she would've handed him her card right in front of you. I wouldn't think twice about it.

[InnocentMan]

You're way over thinking this man. You handled it the right way the first time around by playing along with the old guy confident in the fact that he had no chance with your girl. He was never a threat. He probably knew that too and was just drunk having a good night.

 

If you want to see this as a game, you won that night by calmly handling the situation without looking like an angry, jealous *******. You're starting to lose now by agonizing and ruminating over this.

 

Trust me, you won't like what happens if you bring this up with your girlfriend. You'll feel even more tormented because you'll feel weak for bringing it up. Because you've charged the situation you'll wonder even more whether they've been in contact. Your girlfriend will feel controlled and less trusted by you.

 

In your own words don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

 

And if it happens again? You advise playing it the same way? It's not weak to tell your partner she crossed a line. She may not have crossed it by much, but she did cross it, albeit, aided and abetted by the OP.

[Babolat]

Yeah, I agree. But it was such a nice evening, the dude was obviously hammered, and my gf hates drama. I just basically decided that it was best to leave it alone. If he was getting in her grill (or even near her), I would have said something, but we were separated by a big coffee table, and it just didn't phase me. Plus the fact that he was 20 years older, made it seem like less of a threat internally to me.

 

I mean, he was being kinda funny about it, and I was kinda jokingly telling him to watch his mouth, but it was mostly in good fun on both our parts. I'm not super possessive or jealous, because I trust my girl. But, that said, it really miffed me when she gave the card out to a dude who obviously would have tried to pick her up if I weren't there.

 

 

 

I hear ya. I'm in sales too, so I know how it goes. I'm thinking I just let it go, but internally it's on my mind, so I think it's making me act differently. I'm viewing her through the filter of that action, and I have to find a way to let it go INTERNALLY before I can let it go externally. Know what I mean? I know she loves me. I really do. And I love her. It's just that it was so unlike her (at least what I've seen of her) and so out of the blue, that it made me slightly second-guess my security as the only guy she wants.

 

My ex gf was in sales. Gave her card out all the time.

 

While out with friends one night at a bar, I was not with her, she ended up talking to a group for a while (she is very social) and gave her card out. That turned into a text at 3AM from the guy asking her to join him for breakfast. I saw the text about a week later, it was still in her phone, she was showing me how texts look in an iPhone as I was in th market for a new phone. She replied, "Who is this?". He replied with some chessy stuff about being the good looking man she was talking to at the bar. No reply from her.

 

I was pissed, though, she was quick to comment "Once I saw who it was i did not reply", which made sense. I was in her grill about giving out her #/card, she was quick to reply "I give out my #/card all day long, I network, I am in sales, I can't control if a man contacts me with other intentions".

 

It all makes sense, still did not feel good, so, I know how you feel.

[Babolat]

You seem like a pretty secure guy who knows the score. If your GF is as beautiful as you say, she will get hit on. It's a fact of life. You certainly can't control every drunk.

 

 

I still wouldn't sweat it. My husband is extremely handsome. He gets hit on by women and men. The last time we were in a bar, I was practically climbing inside DH's clothes with him, in a visual effort to "mark my territory" & get the guy who was hitting on him to back down. It didn't work. Even though I was sitting on DH's lap with my hands under the front of his sweater, the guy still asked for DH's phone #. Having a wry sense of humor, DH handed him one of my business cards.

 

 

Yeah, it was kind of uncool of her but in the grand scheme of things, this wasn't a lifestyle choice. You said it yourself -- you trust her.

 

 

If you are still bothered by it, talk to her. Express your trust & love for her. Don't accuse. Focus on how it was the unfortunate combo of alcohol, the guy's overly suggestive / flirtatious behavior and the fact that she gave him her business card that made you concerned. Ask her how she felt about the whole thing. Ask her to refrain from giving her business card to inappropriate drunks in the future. If you are nice about the discussion you won't come off as weak but you will come off as caring about her safety & your future together.

 

My ex was hot, got hit on all the time I assume. When with me, she made it very clear, she was with me. She would put her hands all over me, intorduce me to everybody, etc. And, men did not hit on her, in front of me.

 

Not sure how I would have handled your sitution, probably like you did so long as the man did not cross any lines you are not comfortable with.

[Babolat]

You're right about that. I suspect he knew very clearly what he was doing. He was able to slyly enchant her, while disarming me by making me think it was all in fun. I'm not denying that I was bested by the dude (but hey, he's had 20 more years of practice lol). Regardless, I knew what he was doing, and I still managed to get hosed by the dude. I know if I had left the bar, he would have escalated. Whether she would have reciprocated is a very different story though, and that's all I choose to concern myself with. I don't think she would have, but before that I would have bet $1000 she wouldn't have given him her card either.

 

As has been said before, hot girls get hit on. Fact of life. No biggie as long as she doesn't act on it. I know nothing "happened", but in some small way, giving him her card WAS acting on it. And right in front of me. That's what is disheartening to me, because if she was as totally happy with me as I thought, why would she feel the desire to keep in touch with this creeper? I dunno, I have a headache haha.

 

I guees one way to look at it is, she gave him her card, in front of you, not behind your back. A plus for her in my opinion.

[crederer]

No girl is required to go out with you because you buy them drinks. No girl is even required to accept drinks. No girl is to be a target of one's anger because she does not want to go out with you.

 

 

To accept drinks on purpose when a girl is already in a relationship is wrong. She lacks morals pretending she is available.

 

 

For you to piggy back off of your GF scamming guys is just you doubling off her lack of morals.

 

I hear what you're saying. She never acted like she was single. She is very attractive and in a busy bar, guys constantly were talking to her and offering to buy her drinks. She wouldn't lead them on or act interested but if someone offered, she'd take it. I was fine with this.

 

I was not fine with her giving her number to a guy. That was crossing a boundary and lead to our break up.

 

On one hand you say accepting a drink from someone does not mean anything or make her obligated to anything, then on the flip side you say it's immoral to take a drink from a guy when you're in a relationship. I feel these opinions are contradictory.

[Babolat]

I hear what you're saying. She never acted like she was single. She is very attractive and in a busy bar, guys constantly were talking to her and offering to buy her drinks. She wouldn't lead them on or act interested but if someone offered, she'd take it. I was fine with this.

 

I was not fine with her giving her number to a guy. That was crossing a boundary and lead to our break up.

 

On one hand you say accepting a drink from someone does not mean anything or make her obligated to anything, then on the flip side you say it's immoral to take a drink from a guy when you're in a relationship. I feel these opinions are contradictory.

 

Check out my thread on this subject: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/421676-men-buying-your-so-drink-bar

[damien201]

And if it happens again? You advise playing it the same way? It's not weak to tell your partner she crossed a line. She may not have crossed it by much, but she did cross it, albeit, aided and abetted by the OP.

 

If what happens again? If she gives out her business card to someone in her line of work? She didn't do anything wrong here, and the OP handled the situation appropriately. What was he supposed to do, explode in anger on some old drunk guy?

 

In my line of work I regularly meet and exchange numbers with new people (both men and women). It's happened right in front of my girlfriend. A lot of the time I do so not with intentions of staying in touch with that person, but to be polite.

Edited December 19, 2013 by damien201

[crederer]

Check out my thread on this subject: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/421676-men-buying-your-so-drink-bar

 

Thanks babolat. I don't always agree with your opinions but I always respect them as they're logical and thought out.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

There is no reason to give a business card to someone that lives 3,000 miles away.

 

 

 

... no, because they couldn't possibly do business via the internet!!!

 

(tone of Howard Wolowitz talking back to his mother)

[InnocentMan]

If what happens again? If she gives out her business card to someone in her line of work? She didn't do anything wrong here, and the OP handled the situation appropriately. What was he supposed to do, explode in anger on some old drunk guy?

 

In my line of work I regularly meet and exchange numbers with new people (both men and women). It's happened right in front of my girlfriend. A lot of the time I do so not with intentions of staying in touch with that person, but to be polite.

 

His gf giving a random her card isn't the issue. Of course she will give out hundreds of cards, if she is in sales. The issue is, she gave it to some drunk, who spent the best part of an evening being sleazy towards her.

 

Of all the times that you have given out cards, was this preceded by the receiver calling you 'sexy', etc?

 

The OP could have handled it much differently. If I'm out with my girl, and a random drunk imposes on our company, calling my woman 'sexy' etc, he gets told to f off, or a slap will follow. No need for any drama, unless said drunk guy wants any.

 

My gf certainly wouldn't be sitting there giggling for an hour, and then giving him her number. The **** is the world coming to?

[damien201]

His gf giving a random her card isn't the issue. Of course she will give out hundreds of cards, if she is in sales. The issue is, she gave it to some drunk, who spent the best part of an evening being sleazy towards her.

 

Of all the times that you have given out cards, was this preceded by the receiver calling you 'sexy', etc?

 

The OP could have handled it much differently. If I'm out with my girl, and a random drunk imposes on our company, calling my woman 'sexy' etc, he gets told to f off, or a slap will follow. No need for any drama, unless said drunk guy wants any.

 

My gf certainly wouldn't be sitting there giggling for an hour, and then giving him her number. The **** is the world coming to?

 

I work in the entertainment business, I'm in clubs late at night all the time meeting other entertainers, like I said both male and female. People often times are a bit drunk. Yes, people have flirted with me in front of my girlfriend prior to exchanging information with them.

 

I think the context and perspective is extremely important here and it's something we're severely lacking. The OP said it was all fun and games until the very end of the night when she gave the guy her card.

 

It really sounds to be like everyone was having a good time and understood what was happening. It was a game for everyone. I guess the OP worries he might have lost because his girlfriend gave some gross old guy her business card.

 

But we really don't know how it all went down. I've had stuff like this happen with my girlfriend (and ex's before). We would laugh and joke about how pathetic the person came off after we left whatever bar we were at and leave it at that. Neither of us ever felt threatened because in a sense we felt like a team having a laugh at some strangers expense (perhaps unbeknownst to them).