I'm the OW...

[heylovey22]

Hi. So, I never planned or thought even for a second that I'd be in this situation, but here I am. I'm aware that it's wrong, immoral, etc... but I'm hoping to get some non-judgemental support/help here as I've learned that the heart feels what it feels, even if inconvenient.

 

Okay. I'm 23, he's 44. Married 10 years. It kinda happened out of nowhere (as they all do). Initial attraction that has turned into so much more. I think my issue here is that I'm not hearing the normal things that OW hear. He says he is happily married (two kids) and very happy within his life. Has never mentioned leaving his wife nor would I ever ask or want him to. Even though he knows it's wrong, he says spending time with me feels right. We are only intimate once a month or so, but we often meet for breakfast/lunch, a secret kiss here and there. He'll visit me at my job (I'm a waitress) and come to my shows (I'm a musician). He does text me throughout the day (although that has lessened recently as his workload has increased) and occasionally calls. He tells me how beautiful and special I am, etc,. all that kind of stuff. He always says that there is much more of an emotional connection and the physical is just an added bonus. I do feel the same way, partially because I think if it was more physical he would find more time to be physical with me than just dinner/visits.

 

 

We do have a very emotional connection. He seems to care a lot about my well being, what I'm up to, how I'm doing... etc. We do have a lot of long meaningful conversations and we really make each other laugh and enjoy each other's company. When we are intimate we also spend a lot of the time cuddling, talking, listening to music. Also, like I've said, most of our time together is spent during breakfast, lunch, a quick visit, etc.

 

Let me say, I'm well aware that I will not be spending my life with this guy. For reasons of both age and his current situation obviously, and we both knew that from the start. But after 5 months, I am very much in love with him. He says his feelings are growing but I'm not really sure. I'm pretty sure he cares a lot, and there is even some jealousy sometimes. (One night he left the bar upset when I was flirting with another guy.)

 

Like I said, I'm well aware that this will end and I'm enjoying my time with him as I can, even though I am getting crumbs and it hurts sometimes. Lately he's been a little more distant but he says it's due to him getting a promotion and he's busier than ever with the holidays, etc. Understandable. I guess my issue is just that it doesn't seem to be the normal situation... He's happy and I would never want him to be unhappy or leave his wife etc. Is it possibly that this is just a very rare occurrence? I feel like most MM lie and say they are unhappy and I figured he would do the same but nope. I don't really want anything from him except time... even if it's just texting me throughout the day to know that he's thinking of me. I think I'm just upset because the one thing I do want is for him to love me. WHY I want him to love me when I know this isn't going to last is beyond me, but I think it would just be nice for it to be reciprocated. (I'm moving in a few months which is why it will end, but I also went into this knowing we would never actually be together anyway).

 

Also- nobody knows, on either side. Just wanna add that I've been having a harder time than I'd imagined lately. He's gone from texting me 5am, texting throughout the day and calling to not much at all. I know his new job is crazy busy (even he coworkers will say it) but I guess it's an adjustment. At the end of the day I never expected or wanted to feel this way, but I do. He's an amazing guy (for what that's worth at this point), a great friend, etc. Any input? Thanks guys.

Edited December 18, 2013 by heylovey22

[whichwayisup]

The more time goes on, the more attached you'll become to him, fall deeper in love. Right now you don't want him to leave his wife and kids to be with you, but in a year from now you could very well change your mind and want him all the time. This will only get more complicated as time goes on, more pain and heartache. It's no win situation. And, it's doing damage to you. You'll never feel for anybody else what you feel for him. Physically and emotionally he is in your heart and no other man can compete.

 

You're young and have so much to give and love - Just this guy is sucking it all from you and you're not getting much back. You should have a great love life, be able to bring him home to family and friends, go out on fun date nights on Fri and Saturday nights! Or any night! You are getting table scraps. Settling for less.. It's sad that what he is offering you seems to be enough. I wish you the strength to find it in you to just end it. Wish him well and say goodbye.. Can you see yourself in 2-4 years, still having him in your life this way? Being the OW, only seeing and being with him on his terms and time frame? Not being able to spend holidays together, celebrate other occasions? Imagine turning 27 and wanting a baby, wanting to get married...What then? He IS married and is enjoying the affair for what it is, like you are as well but I said, as time goes on you're gonna want more, it'll just happen..And he is not going to give up all that he has for you, start over.

[Cinnimon]

Hello. Welcome to the forum.

The good news is, you will get lots of support here. (and some not so good as well)

The bad news is, your going to need it.

Read, read, read, read.........

[Nothisgirl]

Hello. Welcome to the forum.

The good news is, you will get lots of support here. (and some not so good as well)

The bad news is, your going to need it.

Read, read, read, read.........

 

 

Yes this ^^.... I think as you read you will see (as most of us have) that your "different", "special" relationship with your mm is much the same as most of ours....

 

My mm doesn't talk poorly about his wife either..says she is a great mother and aver good friend of his...but maintains he is not in love with or attracted to her. Trust me when I say no matter how open and honest he is with you (because I believe my mm to be the same) you are still in for a world of hurt, guilt,and internal conflict

 

Like cinnamon said..read some posts..hopefully you'll get some clarity and post away you'll get lots of good support

[AutumnMoon]

Both me and my OM are relatively happy in our marriages. Enough so we have never ever seriously considered ending our relationships, we said from the start we wanted all that to stay the same.

We obviously are both missing certain things that we crave and chose to go after them but we've never lied to each other, or tried to make our situations seem worse.. He doesn't get enough sex at home and has a lot more in common with me, and my husband is away a lot and I have an insane amount in common with my AP.. We fulfill different things for each other but ultimately know it will one day end and we will still be married to other people.

 

A thing he may be doing.. Even if not on purpose is playing hot and cold with you. You may feel you are in control now but the whole point of hot and cold behaviour is to have you confused and on the leash.. In my opinion! Protect your heart and call him on that behaviour.

[heylovey22]

Whichwayisup, it will be over in 6 months anyway since I'm moving halfway across the country... so it's not necessarily a matter of me wanting more in the future from him. Even if he wasn't married, he's a bit too old to share an entire life (kids, etc.) with at this point, in my opinion.

 

Thanks for your help guys. I'm having difficulty with the hot and cold but I could just be overthinking because he's up at 430 am every day, and has long days between the gym and work and coming home to his family. At the same time, a text or call only takes a minute.

 

I'm just trying to enjoy what we have until it's over... even if the physical thing stopped, he's become so important to me and he always says he wants me in his life no matter what happens or how far away I move. That being said, I don't see a long distance thing happening at all and it would be stupid, I'm at least aware of that.

 

I do go out on weekends, hang with friends, I'm even casually dating a very nice guy... but you're right, I'll never feel for somebody the way I feel about him. I've had my heart broken twice from previous boyfriends and I haven't been right since... I feel like I'll never love again so it was actually nice for me when I did fall in love with MM, seeing as I wasn't sure I could ever feel that again.

 

Whenever we see each other or speak, it's always happy and fun. I'm trying to just take it day by day, and I really want to talk to him about my feelings but then I would just be more of a burden on top of all the crap and stress he already has in his life... plus it's not like I don't already know what he's going to say.

 

And Autumnmoon, "He doesn't get enough sex at home and has a lot more in common with me, and my husband is away a lot and I have an insane amount in common with my AP.. We fulfill different things for each other but ultimately know it will one day end and we will still be married to other people." That's pretty much parallel to my relationship as well.

[PeacockGirl]

heylovey22, I am going through the fallout of virtually the same situation as you now. And trust me when I say, you need to get out of it now.

 

He always told me he would never leave his wife, and I never asked him to, and never wanted him to. We loved each each, we talked, we laughed, I gave him something he wasnt getting at home and he took care of me. He told me I was beautiful and amazing. He made me feel wonderful. We knew our relationship would end when he moved out of the country. I knew all of this...but nothing will prepare you for the fallout.

 

I am 24, he is 35. After 9 months, he left, the pain has been unbearable. 3 months after he left I went to visit him, and it just caused me even more pain. Because I am no longer in the picture he has begun a new life without me. He has always said he wants to b friends, but you will find as time goes by you will be forgotten by him. He says he doesnt feel the same about me anymore and wants to get his marriage back on track. I have even found myself doing crazy things to try and win back his attention, which is not like me at all. The distance will only make you love him harder, and you will want him to choose you, as much as you tell yourself you dont.

 

All I can say is when you leave, make a clean break. Dont go back to visit, if you really want a friendship set boundries, no flirting, no nothing. Ive learned the hard way. Its ruined me. And its ruined any chance of us ever having a friendship.

[bconnor]

I can tell you that life in 6 months is going to be so much easier if you just stopped it now. My co-worker moved out of her house after about 6 months of us starting our emotional affair. Being alone in her apartment, we did anything and everything a husband/wife would do. She had more or less given up on her marriage even though I am still trying to understand how 6 months is enough for you to leave your husband of 13 years and 2 children and have them live in 2 seperate houses. God - it hurts to think about that one.

 

Anyway, she then wanted more time with me, soon, I had to text her within an hour of her texting me, then we had to IM after 9pm (every day), I spent my lunches with her and almost every evening with her (when she didn't have her kids). She wanted more, more time especially during the holidays and soon enough, she explicitly told me she wanted to be married to me. It is still so raw after we broke it off a month ago.

 

Please do yourself a favor and end it now - if it's going to end in 6 months anyway, then end it now, the attachment is going to be far far stronger in 6 months and your head/heart are going to hurt so much more. No self respecting woman should play a part in breaking up a married household (same applies for guys) - you are hurting more people that you can imagine and this fog of wrong love that you now have is deluding your sense of right and wrong and your belief structure. Save yourself and save him - end it now with whatever dignity is left. You are going to be in pain - there is nothing anyone anywhere can do to save you from that - the pain will be so much worse later...

Edited December 18, 2013 by bconnor

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup, it will be over in 6 months anyway since I'm moving halfway across the country... so it's not necessarily a matter of me wanting more in the future from him. Even if he wasn't married, he's a bit too old to share an entire life (kids, etc.) with at this point, in my opinion.

 

Sorry I missed the part where you said you were moving away..

Thanks for your help guys. I'm having difficulty with the hot and cold but I could just be overthinking because he's up at 430 am every day, and has long days between the gym and work and coming home to his family. At the same time, a text or call only takes a minute.

 

Gonna be blunt.. He hasn't made you a high priority. He enjoys his time with you but to him it's just an affair. He doesn't feel the need to keep in touch all the time. Don't make him a priority in your life either, meaning, don't focus so much on him and think of him so much. He isn't your boyfriend, he's a MM whom you see once in a while and that's it. Try to keep your emotions and heart protected.

I'm just trying to enjoy what we have until it's over... even if the physical thing stopped, he's become so important to me and he always says he wants me in his life no matter what happens or how far away I move. That being said, I don't see a long distance thing happening at all and it would be stupid, I'm at least aware of that.

 

When you move, cut him out completely, don't keep in touch, it's pointless and only will make you hang onto him (heart emotions again). It's so easy for him to say that and not have to follow through, just FYI.

I do go out on weekends, hang with friends, I'm even casually dating a very nice guy... but you're right, I'll never feel for somebody the way I feel about him. I've had my heart broken twice from previous boyfriends and I haven't been right since... I feel like I'll never love again so it was actually nice for me when I did fall in love with MM, seeing as I wasn't sure I could ever feel that again.

 

So, why not end it now or spend even less time with him. Good to read that you go do other things with friends and you're not moping or waiting home for MM to call. It's not good to have an ear to the phone and 'wait' to see if a MM can squish you into his schedule or not.

 

You are young and trust me, you will fall in love again after MM. It'll be even better because you'll have the next guy ALL to yourself and won't have to share him with his wife!

 

Whenever we see each other or speak, it's always happy and fun. I'm trying to just take it day by day, and I really want to talk to him about my feelings but then I would just be more of a burden on top of all the crap and stress he already has in his life... plus it's not like I don't already know what he's going to say.

Don't go there. He isn't stupid, he knows how you feel. he's twice your age and been around the block a few times, he knows exactly what's what.

 

Never say never, but you two could get caught and found out about by his wife. Playing with fire, you can get burned badly....

[heylovey22]

Whichwayisup, thanks. I need to hear a lot of that and the things everyone else is saying.

 

It's always easier said than done. It's the little things that have really gotten to me. I had not been hurting or upset AT ALL in our relationship and never expected anything from him, until recently when things have kinda fallen apart. No more 5am texts, no more talking to me all day, less phone calls, less time spent together. We didn't have a fallout or anything, it just sorta happened and this is what I'm having a really hard time with. For example last night he called and said we would meet in the morning and he would text me before he went to bed... neither happened.

 

How can you go from looking me in the eyes and saying how special I am and how much you care about me and all of these things, from being all over me, to just suddenly "being too busy"...??? I would much rather hear a "hey, I'm feeling guilty, lets stop/this is what's happening/i love my wife can't do this anymore/this is what i'm feeling, etc." I would appreciate honesty much more than me sitting here trying to figure out what the **** is going on in his head.

 

It's tough, it hurts. But I'm slowly pushing myself. I'm not initiating contact and I'm trying to be distant when he does. He had never put me on the backburner like this until recently, out of nowhere. We always had a great friendship and even if there was no physical aspect, I was okay with that. I think maybe THAT is the problem... because we would talk and BS everyday and spend time together in a very friendship like way, and I miss it.

 

I will figure this out somehow... thanks again guys.

Edited December 18, 2013 by heylovey22

[whichwayisup]

Because he can say those things, mean them in the heat of the moment, then put it out of his head and continue on. He may care about you, enjoy your company but he isn't in love. He likes the attention you give him.. Anyway, you are having withdrawals, not hearing from him, texting etc., all that is a habit and an addiction you got used to. To plug that hole, get busy and get another habit! One that you can enjoy and bring out a passion in you.

 

The thing is, he isn't obligated to you at all, you two are not exclusive so he doesn't feel the need to have 'talks' with you like a boyfriend would with his girlfriend. You two are not 'dating' or boyfriend/girlfriend. You're the OW in an affair, a whole different set of rules and boundaries there.. Have no expectations.

 

I say end it now. It's doing damage now and you're unhappy. He isn't worth it! It hurt for sure but you'll be fine...Tell him that you aren't interested in this anymore and ask to please respect your wishes, to back off and leave you alone, not ask you out or anything anymore. Try that and hope he does what you ask.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi. So, I never planned or thought even for a second that I'd be in this situation, but here I am. I'm aware that it's wrong, immoral, etc... but I'm hoping to get some non-judgemental support/help here as I've learned that the heart feels what it feels, even if inconvenient.

 

Okay. I'm 23, he's 44. Married 10 years. It kinda happened out of nowhere (as they all do). Initial attraction that has turned into so much more. I think my issue here is that I'm not hearing the normal things that OW hear. He says he is happily married (two kids) and very happy within his life. Has never mentioned leaving his wife nor would I ever ask or want him to. Even though he knows it's wrong, he says spending time with me feels right. We are only intimate once a month or so, but we often meet for breakfast/lunch, a secret kiss here and there. He'll visit me at my job (I'm a waitress) and come to my shows (I'm a musician). He does text me throughout the day (although that has lessened recently as his workload has increased) and occasionally calls. He tells me how beautiful and special I am, etc,. all that kind of stuff. He always says that there is much more of an emotional connection and the physical is just an added bonus. I do feel the same way, partially because I think if it was more physical he would find more time to be physical with me than just dinner/visits.

 

 

We do have a very emotional connection. He seems to care a lot about my well being, what I'm up to, how I'm doing... etc. We do have a lot of long meaningful conversations and we really make each other laugh and enjoy each other's company. When we are intimate we also spend a lot of the time cuddling, talking, listening to music. Also, like I've said, most of our time together is spent during breakfast, lunch, a quick visit, etc.

 

Let me say, I'm well aware that I will not be spending my life with this guy. For reasons of both age and his current situation obviously, and we both knew that from the start. But after 5 months, I am very much in love with him. He says his feelings are growing but I'm not really sure. I'm pretty sure he cares a lot, and there is even some jealousy sometimes. (One night he left the bar upset when I was flirting with another guy.)

 

Like I said, I'm well aware that this will end and I'm enjoying my time with him as I can, even though I am getting crumbs and it hurts sometimes. Lately he's been a little more distant but he says it's due to him getting a promotion and he's busier than ever with the holidays, etc. Understandable. I guess my issue is just that it doesn't seem to be the normal situation... He's happy and I would never want him to be unhappy or leave his wife etc. Is it possibly that this is just a very rare occurrence? I feel like most MM lie and say they are unhappy and I figured he would do the same but nope. I don't really want anything from him except time... even if it's just texting me throughout the day to know that he's thinking of me. I think I'm just upset because the one thing I do want is for him to love me. WHY I want him to love me when I know this isn't going to last is beyond me, but I think it would just be nice for it to be reciprocated. (I'm moving in a few months which is why it will end, but I also went into this knowing we would never actually be together anyway).

 

Also- nobody knows, on either side. Just wanna add that I've been having a harder time than I'd imagined lately. He's gone from texting me 5am, texting throughout the day and calling to not much at all. I know his new job is crazy busy (even he coworkers will say it) but I guess it's an adjustment. At the end of the day I never expected or wanted to feel this way, but I do. He's an amazing guy (for what that's worth at this point), a great friend, etc. Any input? Thanks guys.

 

 

 

Wow, what a very interesting case/scenario.

 

 

What if this representation of "a man" appeals to you a great deal, in that he is 'successful' career-wise, 'older', some sort of a 'family man' (at any rate)... and you are having to compare his image TO that of the recent frat boys who have perhaps drooled all over you or your friends, and who have made it their announced goal to 'bed' both you and those friends?

 

I sense that it is possible that the seeming restraint this guy exercises, which is mandated by his other life, is something that makes your coals burn warmer for him, or his image.

 

Lets be honest - it's fun and rewarding to invest ourselves in others... so each of you is gaining some satisfaction from that...

 

I don't endorse it (for married people)... and if this guy was really any good, he would have been 'successful' at more deeply investing himself there at home...

 

 

but I 'get' a lot of what you have written/implied.

[heylovey22]

Wow, what a very interesting case/scenario.

 

 

What if this representation of "a man" appeals to you a great deal, in that he is 'successful' career-wise, 'older', some sort of a 'family man' (at any rate)... and you are having to compare his image TO that of the recent frat boys who have perhaps drooled all over you or your friends, and who have made it their announced goal to 'bed' both you and those friends?

 

I sense that it is possible that the seeming restraint this guy exercises, which is mandated by his other life, is something that makes your coals burn warmer for him, or his image.

 

Lets be honest - it's fun and rewarding to invest ourselves in others... so each of you is gaining some satisfaction from that...

 

I don't endorse it (for married people)... and if this guy was really any good, he would have been 'successful' at more deeply investing himself there at home...

 

 

but I 'get' a lot of what you have written/implied.

 

I took a year break from dating to work on myself. I have dated both guys my age and older guys (30-33), and I simply get along well better with older men. I have an alcoholic mother, no father (could be part of the issue), and an autistic younger sister... I'm very well past those things and resilient, what I'm trying to say is that I had to grow up fast. I do like the idea of who he is, but I also really do enjoy him. I just enjoy spending time with him, talking to him, etc.

 

I do want to say that he is heavily invested at home which I think makes it hard for him both emotionally and physically (as it should.) I think he's got a lot of internal fighting within himself as he never expected this (nor did I). Not necessarily something we talk about though. I know for sure he cares about me, but he has not allowed himself to fall for me (which is a good thing I suppose) and I struggle with that, moreso the feeling of being "unlovable".

 

At the end of the day though, I do love him. I love who he is but I love him as a person. That's just what it is, but as I've said above, starting today I've tried to distance myself. No initiating contact, and when he did contact me today I kept it short and without all the lovey dovey words/emoticons. I'm sure he'll get the picture soon enough... trying to be strong.

Edited December 19, 2013 by heylovey22

[SarahJames]

I wish you were a member of this forum long enough so I could send you a personal message!

 

Our stories are quite similar - more than the typical MM&OW story.

 

Here are some of my thoughts:

 

I think it's possible that he may be distancing himself from you to prevent feelings from developing on his end. Shocking, but sometimes these "men" who choose to act like scum-bags by cheating on their significant other, SOMETIMES, they have feelings too. It's a possibility.

 

Secondly, you have to realize that this man is using you to supplement his marriage. He lets you know that he's happy with his marriage, and he doesn't want to change things. So why is he cheating? Because he's selfish and he wants MORE. He wants excitement in his life in addition to the stability that his wife, and family life, give him. Hence, him getting the best of both worlds.

 

Here is one thing I read somewhere on this forum, and it's SO obvious, but you don't really look at it this way until it's pointed out to you: "By continuing being the other woman, you are helping keep his marriage together".

 

If you stopped being the OW he wouldn't have that "outlet". That's what the OW are - we're outlets. We're outlets for when they're stressed, upset, bored, ...horny. When the MM no longer has the OW, everything negative that is happening in his marriage is amplified. It's like- I had a fight with my wife, I'm angry, but wait, I'm all better now because I just met up with my OW right after...we had dinner and a quickie - that fight actually wasn't too bad now that I'm relaxed - all better! Compare that to when you establish NC: I just had a fight with my wife, I'm so angry. I need to take my mind off of this...but how?!...

 

Eventually, when the MM can no longer "escape" from his reality, he may actually try to CHANGE his reality (ex. divorce) depending on how unhappy he is, how bored he actually is, etc.

 

Seriously - stop talking to him completely

 

It's the BEST thing you can do for yourself. You don't want to let him stick around for 6 more months so that when you move he's still on your mind. Begin the healing process NOW.

 

Also, think about this from an outside perspective. Think about what you would think if you saw this play out in a movie. What would you think? "Oh, a middle-aged man scored a hot 20-something". You see BEYOND that because you've gotten to know him. But from a psychological perspective, you're stroking this man's ego. Do you know how he must feel to have had the chance to sleep with you? He thinks he's on top the world. He's situated, and on top of that he has been able to get with someone almost half his age. We don't look at it that way because they're not a prize to us - they're married, old, and we could do better. We can find someone NOT in a relationship with SOMEONE ELSE. They can't. They're married already. You're his "prize" because you're willing to overlook the fact that he's not single, and an adulterer.

 

Anyways, I could go on forever after all the thinking I've done on the matter, but seriously, try to completely stop contact as opposed to slowly weening yourself off of him. Gain control of your life, and don't be this guys ego-boost. All the best xx

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have an alcoholic mother, no father (could be part of the issue)

 

 

There is definitely a lot of that impacting your outlook here, and in some regard, it is OK that your present actions/values reflect things which impacted your past.

 

However, that just means it will be more difficult for you to wriggle free of temptations like the man you describe who are holding you back in life.

 

It is terrible for people to (have to) tell you to just drop him like a hot rock and find somebody who can be all-there for you... but that is the most sensible move for the long term.

[heylovey22]

I know what's sensible, it's just tough. I'm trying my best.

 

Also, he doesn't come to me when they fight, in fact he doesn't speak to me about anything at home. Doesn't speak to me much about his feelings, moreso will just tell me he's overall really stressed/tired from work.

 

I'm hurting today. I miss him tons. He says were gonna have breakfast Saturday morning. I think after the holidays I'm gonna try some NC. ugh... why did I have to fall in love with this man.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You sound so sincere... and so deserving... of somebody who can be all yours...

 

 

But (as if your question isn't rhetorical)... you fell in love with him because he does represent a handful of things your life really yearns-for.

 

 

An older man (makes perfect sense if you didn't have a father around at all)

 

A man who, for reasons not of his own design, heaps on the attention at a steady and appreciative rate, contrasted to the break-neck pace offered by so many guys your age.

 

A man who, for his other life, demonstrates the seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeming values that lots of women would like to appreciate (minus the cheating, obviously)

 

 

And maybe, juuuuuuuuuuuuust maybe, his other commitments keep him significantly unavailable... on the chance that to go all-in and be completely mated with (anybody) would cause you to get scared and run.