Heartbroken Eagle Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Hi again folks. I'm struggling with LC at the moment. It has been 10 months since BU after 12 years and we have a 7 year old son together. Tonight was my son's school's xmas play and I went along. My ex was there along with her fiance (After 6 months of meeting each other). The performance was wonderful and afterwards we met briefly. We have had several months of bitterness which I felt was starting to have an effect on our son as she was involving him in our arguements. I decided that for his sakes we should be more amicable and she agreed. I wish them both a merry christmas and shook their hands prior to leaving. But as I was driving home I got angry with myself. I was annoyed that I wished the person who this time last year I loved, who lied and cheated on me, had no respect for me, humiliated me with her friends, family and strangers, but most importantly broke up the family, a merry christmas. To be honest I wish I had never done this, mainly because I still hate her for what she did. Part of me feel like a real loser for doing this, can't believe how much I am struggling with this. Link to post Share on other sites
InnocentMan Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Sounds like you handled a possible awkward situation well. Don't beat yourself up about it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken Eagle Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) Thanks InnocentMan. Perhaps I did deal with the situation ok, really want to move on though. It really does not help having to see her regularly, just triggers all the bad memories. Edited December 18, 2013 by Heartbroken Eagle grammar Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Dude, You knew it would eventually happen. Be the big guy and stay strong even if it was not a good time for you. Just try to be happy for the holidays. My friends and cat are getting me through it. Just remember all this s..t will pass and we will all survive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken Eagle Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Dumped, you are right... It was always going to be tough at this time of year especially after last years events. This year can only be better!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 You did the right thing, and that can be hard sometimes. In the end, it will be better for you to be the best you can in these situations. It is better for everyone. Holding on to your anger is absolutely the worse you can do for your son and yourself. I speak from experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I wish them both a merry christmas and shook their hands prior to leaving. But as I was driving home I got angry with myself. I was annoyed that I wished the person who this time last year I loved, who lied and cheated on me, had no respect for me, humiliated me with her friends, family and strangers, but most importantly broke up the family, a merry christmas. To be honest I wish I had never done this, mainly because I still hate her for what she did. Part of me feel like a real loser for doing this, can't believe how much I am struggling with this. I see this the opposite. I think you showed a lot of class. Think if you would have created a scene and were yelling. That would have made you look pathetic. I think you probably even "stuck it" to the ex in a way by making it look like you are moving on and couldn't care less about her. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Stop saying things you don't mean. Letting go isn't just giving up on the relationship, it's letting go of the anger and bitterness too. She made a decision and hurt the people she promised to love and cherish most. It was within her power to do so. She isn't the first, or the last. Your hate will keep your trapped and stop healing. Hate what she's done, but not her. It isn't good for you. And speaking of you, that's where your focus needs to be. You'll be happier and accomplish more if you're honest with everyone; especially yourself. Don't shy away from the fact that their relationship exists at your expense but no good will come from blowing up either. It doesn't matter what she thinks of you (she will feel and think as she chooses, regardless of how you act) what matters is what you think. And your son. You're still his father, so be a good one. When things become tough emotionally, remember that you could have caused the same amount of pain by cheating and leaving too. Yet, you didn't. It is within your power to accomplish great things now. Don't let her take it away! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 You did the right thing. Remember, whatever happens between you and your XW, whatever feelings of whatever you have, however right you may be and how wrong she may be.....there is no 'winning' here. Be the bigger person. Be above the situation. You are no longer in a relationship. Your identity now is father and dad, and everything you do from here on out should center around that role and modeling for your child. When your child isn't around, then you can concentrate on your own non-relationship identity. What that means is when you are around your kid, you need to put your emotions toward your x to the side, be calm, be cool, be mature and be unfazed. You WILL get past the raw feelings you have right now. It's inevitable. So, be dad, don't worry about your x or her guy, and forge ahead. In a year or two, you will feel a billion times better, and part of feeling a billion times better is looking back and seeing that you did things the right way. That will pay dividends for you, and huge dividends for your child in his long-term development. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 BrokenEagle I SWEAR it can get easier. This year the XW wanted to take my daughter to the new BF's for Christmas Eve, last year it would have drove me crazy, this year, not so much:rolleyes:. I told her no, that was my day to have her and she agreed. You'll never like it, but you can get to a point where you accept it.....I had to in order to attain my own peace and happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robbyrob Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 you did all right....karma will hit her at some point. you seem to be like a good person Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 Heartbroken, I feel you. I get so tired of being the bigger person when my STBXH is still dumping on me. At times I want to hurt him as bad as he has hurt me, I want revenge so bad I can taste it. But then I remind myself that I am the one who has to look myself in the mirror and I will be damned if I am going to tarnish that reflection because of him. That is one thing I will not let him take from me. Also, think about this: One day in the not too distant future when your son is all grown up, he will think back about these times and he will be proud at what a class act his dad was. Lastly, she did not humiliate you, she humiliated herself. She showed her lack of character and integrity. I know how hard it is to see that now, but one day you will and you will hold your head just a little bit higher knowing that you did not stoop to her level. Hang in there and Merry Christmas! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 You did the right thing. It was the higher ground and the class act. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good at the time but always pays higher dividends down the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 18, 2013 Share Posted December 18, 2013 I'm only a few months removed from our actual separation date and my STBXW had her birthday this week. Instead of just ignoring it, I bought her a nice gift from our daughter and even sent her a "Happy Birthday" text on the day. She was an awful wife who didn't deserve it, but I figure it takes a much bigger person to treat someone who wronged you the same you would treat your friend. Don't feel bad for being the more mature person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken Eagle Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Hi folks, Thank you all for your replies. They have all been appreciated. I feel a lot stronger today, hence I can see my actions more clearer and even though it was tough as what she did still hurts, last night's gesture was probably for the best long term. I always feel like crap after I have met my Ex. That is something I have to deal with for the future and to move onwards. Just want to be back to being that happy, confident, lively guy I used to be. I only seem to be like this when I have my son. Regards. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I always feel like crap after I have met my Ex. That is something I have to deal with for the future and to move onwards. Just want to be back to being that happy, confident, lively guy I used to be. I only seem to be like this when I have my son. You will be if you do the work Heartbroken. Your desire to return to being that is key. That's why it's important to know that your resentment is justified, but not healthy. I resolved it by accepting her decision, then taking advantage of the freedom I had been given. Being free from a cheater is a huge positive...not one that your ex wife's boyfriend enjoys. Until you begin to feel love for your passions again, keep the contact / interaction with her to a minimum. Be genuine, but respectful. In other words, treat your ex as you wish to be treated. Having a bit of mystery on your side will improve your self esteem. Keep what you're doing and where close to vest. Be kind. Show honor by giving her what she asked for. Cherish, love and train your son to be strong. Actions speak loudest. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken Eagle Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 You will be if you do the work Heartbroken. Your desire to return to being that is key. That's why it's important to know that your resentment is justified, but not healthy. I resolved it by accepting her decision, then taking advantage of the freedom I had been given. Being free from a cheater is a huge positive...not one that your ex wife's boyfriend enjoys. Until you begin to feel love for your passions again, keep the contact / interaction with her to a minimum. Be genuine, but respectful. In other words, treat your ex as you wish to be treated. Having a bit of mystery on your side will improve your self esteem. Keep what you're doing and where close to vest. Be kind. Show honor by giving her what she asked for. Cherish, love and train your son to be strong. Actions speak loudest. Wow Steadfast, thanks for your reply. Awesome words... I am slowly on that road back, trust me... Determined to be fully healed in 2014. For my son, for me, (And to show the ex what she is missing!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
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