Moving in and out and no contact question

[nycpetit]

Okay. I was here many months ago. My ex-fiance (we broke it off over a year ago), moved out and moved rather far away in September 2003. Okay, so we never really had a period of complete no contact other than say five-six weeks here and there, and he often still came in town to see me (well, city, since I live in NYC). It was rocky for sure, and really he left partially because he needed to find out what he wanted. We took a vacation together, did things with friends, etc. A lot was still the same as before, but he never seemed to know what he wanted. Something I realize now was because I didn't make it NO contact.

 

He never did figure it out. He came back more frequently than ever beginning in late April of 2004. We have been "together" for over three years now. Well, we've been through a TON. Engagement, living together, kidney transplant (I had a kidney transplant in August of 2004), living apart, his career changes (still in process), my graduate school, crazy schedules, fights, admissions, deaths in the family, parental problems, and his ongoing money issues.

 

Okay, when he left, I remained in the apartment of which the lease is and remains in his name. I didn't have recourse to leave at that time and it was mid lease at the time as well. He would have been penalized and I had no time to find something I could afford. Being in graduate school, and facing kidney disease at the time, I was going to need a guarantor to help me out (nyc is insane for rents) and so he agreed again in Feb. as well to resign it last year. I didn't have a guarantor to help me out. Although I could fully pay the rent. And have continued to do so. It's the qualifications you need that I don't have to get an apt. on my own, although i can cover the rent. He came back here to get me through surgery in August (and we had been seeing one another a lot at that time, since April) and then moved back here in Sept. A week later, as previously discussed and planned, he went out to LA. He works as a project construction manager, but since we've been together, he has a desire to act. So he has been taking courses when in the city (meaning not last year since he lived on Long Island then) and pursuing it as best as he can. He has little money consistently however. When he came back, he'd called a lot and really missed me, and didn't feel LA was right for him at the time, although he did still want to move out there eventually. He seemed/seems to often be concerned that if he left, or moved out there, that there would be no us. I have said, "We can't know that." And inside I think this made him very angry, but to me, it was truth. As much as I wanted him to KNOW he wanted me, he wasn't able to say he was here in NYC, living in the apt. again because he knew he wanted me. It was for the acting stuff, and to get out to LA. At one point, I learned that he had originally had a plan to go back out there on November 15th. Which i found out about when he was distressed because he had no money, and was not going to be able to go out then. He hadn't shared it with me and had been living here by then for over two months.

 

I maintained when he came back in Sept. that it was not a good idea to live together again if he "didn't know" what he wanted with us. I also don't personally believe in playing house. i care about him very much, yes love him, and when he's here I can't look at it as trial time. While I guess he agreed, I think he too wanted it to "work." I am 35, and he is 31. We have had many good times since he moved back, but there were times when he wanted more, and frankly I was always honest that I'd felt it would be best to live apart until our relationship had some direction. And he really needed to figure out what he wanted. To be honest, I do believe that if one person in the relationship is always on and off, and not sure, as much as they still do wonderful things for you, surprise you, include you with family and friends, that STILL it will screw up a dynamic.

 

So, without discussing it when he decided to move yet again he went and did it last week. He's packing and moving now I guess tomorrow. He really ruined the holidays because he had some sort of issue with my family or something, and well, I also think that because I'd said I was loving having him here, but that we should live apart until he knew what he wanted, that he just basically decided to take whatever anger he had and propel it into moving, as he should have done long ago.

 

So since then, i have done it all. Told him it's done. Told him I would like to spend time still (given that is what he said after he found a place, perhaps it was the reality of the situation that made him think, gee I might lose her with all of this), gotten angry at him for not discussing this with me and springing it on me three days before rent was due. He stayed here for three months without paying rent, as he had no money, and no job for the first two months. He did contribute to other things, but nevertheless now he is borrowing from work, and owes money to a friend, parents, and now his work. Since he has still not found a way to do this move on his own, and has had to borrow, he could clearly have done this long ago, before moving permanently back in here.

 

We have looked at other apts. together, we have made plans for this year to travel, he will maintain until i get mad that he wants to date, be together, and do the things we are so used to doing together and really enjoy. Dinners, movies, drinks, working out, traveling. But as soon as I get mad, he says, "okay, forget it."

 

Is it too late, despite the mess I've made of getting emotional, crying, being mad that he went back on our agreement to discuss this after the holiday (moving apart which I had maintained was the best thing for us to do until he knew what he wanted), to start no contact? Do I need to say something to him? I have grossly confused our situation by showing my being upset, to being mad about him doing this of his own accord (discussing it with his parents when he was to have been at my parents house for the day after xmas and just didn't show because he was telling his parents whom I had just seen on Xmas the day before that he needed to move out, what to do), our agreement had been to discuss this in January.

 

Right now he is planning to resign the lease for me. I don't have a guarantor yet, and will of course pay the rent, but honestly I don't know what to do. Can I stay here, have him move the stuff out, and start no contact then? Since we've never really done that, can I do so, even if I am still living here (and yes, paying the bills) and even after I've expressed things from not wanting to continue this, to wanting to still spend time with him? He said, when he found a place, that he didn't want to overanalyze this move, and wanted to just do as he should have done four months ago. I was angry however, for having ruined my holidays, never telling anyone what he was and was not participating in, and then doing this move without tellling me even though we'd both agreed it was best. And being nasty about it when he did it. He says some very cruel things when he is mad, like, "I can do better" which accompanied his words that he was looking and had places lined up last Tuesday right before he was leaving for work. It was the FIRST I knew of it, and it was what, Dec. 28th? And the night before we'd had sex, and he'd cooked me dinner. So confusing.

 

Can I have no contact, and have us find some resolutions to our emotions even if i stay here? I pay the bills, he moves his stuff out? He has said he planned to sign the lease for me. The utilities are still in his name. They would be changed in march. He was to have remained here through the end of the lease, so i told him that he needed to contribute something to this month, and the utilities through next. And then, that he needed to put the deposit money increase into the lease (i ended up doing it last year because while he signed the lease also because he thought he might come back, he never wrote the check for the deposit increase) because all that money will be his, and when i leave, the check will be in his name.

 

The thing that would be different this time is that he will be a half hour subway ride away versus a two hour drive. And I would just not contact him at all. But can this still be effective if I am living here still? I don't have a guarantor to help me out, and nowhere to really go. I work from home and need silence to work. I can pay the rent here, but would need him to resign. Can I do that and still have this no contact be effective? Even though i've gotten mad, cried, and embarrassed myself while also saying we needed a complete break? I think at first he wanted to see one another a lot after he moved out, and then because of this, he's internally not going to call me. My only chance at this point to feel stronger is to tell myself that when HE is gone I am not calling him at all.

 

Please just give me some thoughts.

[HokeyReligions]

Can you find another guarantor? It's going to be very tricky to make this work -- so many risks and even if you maintain NC, you are still bound by the lease and that is always going to be in your mind.

[nycpetit]

I feel like I can't breathe. He's moving tomorrow, yea not far, but i can't stop talking to him about it and wanting answers and that does no one any good.

 

I just need some support or something to help me out right now. Three years I've invested in this person, giving them space, and then having them go again. We've been through so much together.

 

I just can't see anything positive anymore.