Am I Mad Please Help?

[emmy22]

HEY

 

My name is emma. I'm 22. I have been married now for 5 years this year. I have 3 little girls...

 

Where do I start firstly. Please, I ask of you not to criticize that I'm too young for 3 children, as just like all mothers, I give my children discipline, love and affection more than I ever had as a child ...

 

Natasha, my eldest, has just turned 4 as of Dec 2004. How can I describe her ... Well, she is a big nightmare. She never listens, never does as she is told. I don't know, but she was 2 months early being born. Maybe it has something to do with this. I don't know. She will wake up at 5 AM in the morning and purposely wake everyone else up why?

 

How can I cope with her in a good manner? What can I do to help her behavior, as I'm running out of solutions!

 

Jessica, she is the middle one. She is 2, three this year. She was 3 months premature. She is so much calmer than Natasha. In fact, Natasha and the baby Mylissa bullies Jessica so much. What can I do to stop this?

 

Mylissa, well she is 1, two in May. She will BULLY - believe it or not, sometimes I think she is the worst - she pulls hand fulls of hair out of Jessica's head, poor thing. I feel sorry for her. She pinches her so bad. I have spoken to my health-visitor but I don't find her much help.

 

I'm trying all I can with them, but it just don't seen enough. Now I feel it's time to ask for some opinions.

 

Someone please help!

 

em xx

[The_Analyzer]

What do you do as far as discipline? Does your husband help you out with the kids too? Whats your reaction to them when they are doing something they shouldn't? I'm asking this because alot of times the way parents handle things have alot to do with how their kids react to them. Just wondering.

[Moose]

You're not mad, believe me! And no, I don't think you're to young to have these little, "Cling-ons", as I like to call them.

 

The problem isn't there age, isn't their parents, and isn't a medical malfunction. The problem is, they're GIRLS!!!!

 

Just joking! Seriously, everything you described sounds perfectly normal to me. It's time to start the discipline. Whenever they treat each other like that, make them hug and say sorry. Time-outs and counting to 3 helps too.

 

Explain to us what you've tried thus far, and let's see if we can't come up with some more suggestions for ya.

[emasch]

Thanks for helping ,,ok iv tried the approach were they get sent to the corner for 5 ...........don't help tried the approach to hug and kiss when they hurt each other no ,no luck there neather ....yes hubby helps i think at times he has more patients ,,,,,,but you know sometimes it makes you feel useless and im NOT one to show my emotions ,,,like many parents i do shout but i give everything to them because i love them so so much what next????????????????

 

sorry to bother you lot but i think this helps and i love to listen to others appinion it maybe better

 

as for the morning thing with natasha waking up early well i get up but i don't give them brecfast till 7 am as i don't want to break the feeding habit else they think they can have everything there own way,,,,,,,,,,,natasha that is,,,,,she is such a madam xxxx

[Matilda]

Okay, you need to take charge. First of all make some rules, like "no hitting, biting, pinching etc." Your oldest should be able to understand the concept of rules, and probably the 2 year old too. You don't have to explain the rule, you just tell them this is the rule, and when you break the rule you will not be able to do "blank". On any given day, figure out what it is that they really want to do or play with. This will change from day to day, or even hour to hour, and then take the toy away or do not allow them to do a specific thing for a certain period of time. With the younger ones, you will want that length of time to be fairly short, you increase that time as they get older. Also remember, the type of discipline that works with one child, may not work with another. Figure out what each child responds to, and use that.

 

Unless the shouting works, which it sounds like it doesn't, stop doing it. I find it helpful to think about discipline as teaching, rather than punishment. Think about what it is going to take to have them learn the lesson. Like I said before, make sure they know what kind of behavior is acceptable and not acceptable. It may help you to write down the rules, so they are very clear in your own mind, and then when one of them is broken you will be able to attend to it more efficiently.

 

Another thing is, you want to praise good behavior, whenever you see it happening. "Oh, Mommy loves to see her girls playing so nicely together. What good girls I have." When kids think they are bad, they will behave like bad kids.

 

I recommend a book called the Power of Positive Parenting:

http://www.parentrx.com/

 

Also, I found John Rosemond's book "Parent Power" very helpful in understanding that as the parent, I was the one in charge, and how to take charge.

http://www.rosemond.com/

[Matilda]

For the morning waking problem, set the rules:

 

1. When you wake up early you are not allowed to wake others up, except Mommy or Daddy.

 

2. When you wake up early you may play quietly, but may not do anything loud enough to wake the rest of the family. Then tell her specifically the things she may do, for example look at books, and the things she may not do, say run around singing in a loud voice.

 

Then say "If you follow these rules you will be able to play outside later today, if you don't follow them you won't. It may take several times before she gets that you mean what you say. And her behavior may get worse before it gets better. Also, you might say if you can't play quietly, then you will have to go sit in the "quiet spot", somewhere that she doesn't particularly like where she can't disturb others.

[Lil Honey]

I have two children who are now grown (18 and 21).

 

First of all, remember that one of your girls is two, nearly three. When my daughter was little, it wasn't the "terrible twos," it was the "terrible threes." If your oldest went through the terrible threes and just turned four, then she is probably on the down side of the behavior. Your youngest is on her way to the terrible two or threes.

 

Second, your girls are close together in age. The same behavior is ocurring - times three. AND, they are each thinking that they are the center of the universe, so one sibling will think that the others are there for her entertainment.

 

I read or heard somewhere that when you yell at kids (and husbands), they tune you out after the first episode - especially if you don't do what you say. In other words, don't make idle threats. If you tell one of the girls to stop doing something or she will have to sit for five minutes, don't allow her to continue to do that behavior over and over before the five minute consequence is put into force. That is just allowing her to see how long it will take to push your buttons.

 

You said that your husband helps. That's a very good thing. My question is, do you both follow the same line of discipline and rules? The rules and discipline need to be consistent between both of you, so that the girls know what to expect - and so they don't play one parent against the other. (For example, "Mom said that we could . . ." )

 

You also said that your husband has more patience than you do. That was the situation for me as well. All I can say about that is that parenting is an exercise in patience for at least 18 years. When you feel overwhelmed, go into the bathroom and close the door long enough to take a deep breath. I don't know about the climate you live in, but you can always pack the kids into a stroller and go for a walk. That will get them out and YOU out for a change of scenery. It will also distract them from whatever they were doing to misbehave.

 

I also recommend finding another mom who will watch your kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon and then you watch hers the next day. That way, each of you gets some Mom Time. I was able to get my kids into a childcare class at the high school, where they asked for toddlers to come in for 90 minutes, so the highschool kids could study development, etc. (It was free, btw and it was great to have 90 minutes to myself, three times a week.)

 

I highly recommend time for yourself and distracting the kids when they are misbehaving. Show them something else that they CAN do.

 

Please try to have FUN with your girls. The time will go by fast as they grow. You can make it good or you can make it a chore that you dread. The choice is yours.

[emmy22]

Hi if only you lot knew how much i appreciate this,,,,

well i guess the first thing to do is the "rules"

but to be honest natasha the eldest she just don't listen even if i tell her to have time out on the sofa for 5 min she still moves so im having to sit with her,

natasha has gone back to school today and its so so very Pease full "this is a dream :-)"

but all things and suggestions i will follow up and do hoping these things will work in time ,,

as for the hubby he does help but only when nagged i guess but i suppose after 4 years you get use to it "nagging"

its just alot of pressure at times like now he is sleeping and he said he would clean the kitchen as he isnt working

but no im gonna have to go and do it myself

sorry

 

but thanks

lov em xx

[Lil Honey]

I would also suggest positive reinforcement, at least for the oldest girl. She is old enough to understand that when she does something good, she gets a reward. (Think about the lil star stickers that they have in school.) You can make a chart for good behavior (and maybe even simple chores) and she can get stars for. When she has a certain number, she gets to watch her favorite movie or she gets to choose dinner that night.

 

Giving her some chores might make her feel like she is contributing or they might make her feel "grown up" like mommy.

 

Think about how each individual child might feel as well. Each of them wants your attention for themselves, yet you have to divide your attention between two other siblings, your husband, housework, etc., etc. Now, if you were a little person in that position, might you misbehave to get any kind of attention? I think children sometimes see any attention as being better than none.

 

Now, I'm not saying that you aren't giving them attention, but they don't see it the same way. When they want it ALL, they will see it as not getting ANY. (They think in extremes. Much like a pre-teen saying, "Everybody does it," when in fact, they can only name two or three people doing whatever.)

 

You need to stop nagging your husband. He stopped listening to it. You need to set specific consequences for his behavior and the kids' behavior. If nothing else, put up a list of chores that he is to do. He needs to carry some responsibility because you have your hands full caring for his three kids.

 

There are some good sites online about parenting. You should be able to find most through a Google search. My first thought is that Parents Magazine probably has a good site. That would be where I'd start to get a huge variety of information and help.

[herbalyyys]

Hi! welcome to the Moms Club! I too have three kids all at home, all preschoolers all different personalities.My kids are just recently 5, 3and 1/2, and two in two weeks. I find the timer works--each has their own timer color(the wind up from walmart kitchen timer)I spend my day at home with them in the kitchen and the family room, so I keep timers on the tv or shelf so they can get them. The hardest part is making YOURSELF stick to the discipline.If you tell Natasha she has to sit there for a five min time out,have her set timer to five and MAKE her do it.If she wont sit on chair,put her little smart ass on floor at your feet. She'll pick up fast that you are not playing around any more. It might work on your middle baby, but the youngest is too young.

Just during time outs,NONE of the other two girls can interfere.and when timer goes off, tell her good job for her patience and let her know it will go on again for 6 minutes next time.Ya gotta praise her though.

As for early bird,its hard if sharing a room.Tell her to sneak into your room when she wakes up, and if she doesnt wake the others up, you will have a treat just for her...coloring books,scissors and paper/old magazines to cut up(they love that)but she has to play in your room QUIETLY and you can sort of semi-doze till the others wake up.Have a banana or an apple cut up from the nite before to tide her till everyones breakfast.Or a snack cup of dry cereal and juice...just as long as she is QUIET!! and cartoons in your room.