Guys, Standards and the Abundance Mentality

[verhrzn]

Lately I've been coming across more and more dating advice articles, written by men to advise women. A common theme I've seen in these articles is the idea that women have tons of standards and a long list, where as guys have hardly any. To quote:

 

• Does he find you attractive?
  
• Do you make him feel good?
  

 

That's it, apparently. It apparently doesn't matter how smart you are, how interesting your hobbies are, how independent or successful you are. It's literally just he feels good around you, and wants to sleep with you.

 

On the one hand, I suppose I should be pleased that guys apparently have so few standards, because it means less chance of me getting rejected; that literally all I have to do is laugh at his jokes and be sexy, and I'm golden.

 

And yet... the thing that nags at me is, those two things are probably true for thousands, millions of women. So a guy could literally be happy with any of them. Which means, I am in no way special to him. I'm like a toaster... easily picked out, easily replaced.

 

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

[fortyninethousand322]

There are few who can match my level of cynicism and negativity. You should consider that an accomplishment.

 

You should stop reading advice articles designed to get you to read and then talk about it, causing more traffic to those sites. That's the whole point of the articles: not to give advice, but to get publicity and traffic.

 

You're a good looking girl, I don't know why you have so much bad luck....

[winny]

You have a valid point.

I have not read many of these articles but it is kind of true.

[Emilia]

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

Um because it's not true? Some guys are not fussy and will just want companionship with anyone, many others however are very picky when it comes to relationships.

[StanMusial]

It would be worse if you liked a guy and didn't meet his standards.

[verhrzn]

Um because it's not true? Some guys are not fussy and will just want companionship with anyone, many others however are very picky when it comes to relationships.

 

Picky in what ways that don't fall under those two categories?

 

What the articles say does kind of ring true for what I've seen guys say elsewhere on the Internet; that guys could care less about advanced degrees or salaries or accomplishments. This usually comes up in the context of me asking if my personality could make up for my looks, and the answer is always "No. Guys don't care about personality/accomplishments like girls do."

[verhrzn]

It would be worse if you liked a guy and didn't meet his standards.

 

Pfft, I've run into that tons of times! No big deal anymore!

[PegNosePete]

The reason for this is quite obvious really. It's because there are 10 times as many guys on online dating sites as there are women. Women can choose to be as picky as they like, whereas most guys would jump at the chance to meet anyone with boobs and a pulse.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Lately I've been coming across more and more dating advice articles, written by men to advise women. A common theme I've seen in these articles is the idea that women have tons of standards and a long list, where as guys have hardly any. To quote:

• Does he find you attractive?
  
• Do you make him feel good?
  

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

 

You are failing to differentiate between a first date and marriage. Those two are male requirements to date you.

 

When it comes to making a real commitment most guys are just as picky as women.

[StanMusial]

Pfft, I've run into that tons of times! No big deal anymore!

 

Well do you trust some random article more than your life experience?

[carhill]

OP, there's a marked difference between abundance mentality when selecting potential relationship prospects and the personality characteristics in play when choosing to commit to one of those prospects.

 

Generally, men pursue many and women choose amongst the many which pursue them. That's the tip of the iceberg, relationship-wise. It's the beginning. The .00001%.

 

As another poster mentioned, yep, people can be markedly different. Some guys shoot generally and see what sticks. Others are 'very picky'. Those attitudes can revolve around their particular personality, attractiveness to their desired prospects, demographics or a combination of those factors, and others. There's no simple answer IMO.

[GoodOnPaper]

And yet... the thing that nags at me is, those two things are probably true for thousands, millions of women. So a guy could literally be happy with any of them. Which means, I am in no way special to him. I'm like a toaster... easily picked out, easily replaced.

 

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

 

Most of us do NOT have dozens/hundreds/thousands of options -- you forget that almost all of these women will have a bf/fiance/husband or otherwise be uninterested in any one particular guy of average attractiveness.

 

Yes, a lot of women will meet the typical guy's acceptable threshold of "cute" or "attractive" but that just get's the ball rolling. The deep connection that you are looking for happens in the course of the relationship. And when these connections are successful, the guy definitely does NOT consider the woman disposable. For example, in my life, I've known two women who I definitely consider more 'special' than all others. I'm sure most guys have similar experiences.

[Andy_K]

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

 

He doesn't have dozens/hundreds/thousands of options. There's a third criteria that you're missing from the list, it should read as follows:

 

Does he find you attractive?

Do you make him feel good?

Does he pass enough of your exhaustive list of standards for you to be with him?

 

That third one will eliminate 95% of his dating pool in one fell swipe. Guys can only choose from women who are interested in a relationship with them. Finding one who's standards he passes, who he also finds attractive and who he enjoys being around is actually no mean feat.

[Emilia]

Picky in what ways that don't fall under those two categories?

A lot of men want an intelligent girlfriend who has life goals and keeps him on his toes.

What the articles say does kind of ring true for what I've seen guys say elsewhere on the Internet; that guys could care less about advanced degrees or salaries or accomplishments. This usually comes up in the context of me asking if my personality could make up for my looks, and the answer is always "No. Guys don't care about personality/accomplishments like girls do."

You need to talk to people that spend less time on da internets and do actually have dating experience

[verhrzn]

Does he pass enough of your exhaustive list of standards for you to be with him?

 

That third one will eliminate 95% of his dating pool in one fell swipe. Guys can only choose from women who are interested in a relationship with them. Finding one who's standards he passes, who he also finds attractive and who he enjoys being around is actually no mean feat.

 

I dunno, in a way that actually makes it worse. I read that as he's with me, because he doesn't fit the standards of the girls he actually wants to date. That I am just what he could get, and he's chosen me not because I'm special or unique or offer something special to him, but merely through process of elimination.

 

I've had a bunch of guys date me out of desperation, and it sucked. I think I'm much rather be single, than think/know a guy is with me primarily because no other girls want him.

[StanMusial]

Lol this is some circuitous thinking.

[Disillusioned]

Basically, the people who run those columns have high opinions of themselves, they don't live in the real world, and they feel entitled enough to make rules for the rest of us to follow. Yes, m'lord... certainly, m'lord.

 

Then they act all butthurt when some paradigm shift happens and makes them look like fools.

[somedude81]

Lately I've been coming across more and more dating advice articles, written by men to advise women. A common theme I've seen in these articles is the idea that women have tons of standards and a long list, where as guys have hardly any. To quote:

 

• Does he find you attractive?
  
• Do you make him feel good?
  

 

That's it, apparently. It apparently doesn't matter how smart you are, how interesting your hobbies are, how independent or successful you are. It's literally just he feels good around you, and wants to sleep with you.

 

On the one hand, I suppose I should be pleased that guys apparently have so few standards, because it means less chance of me getting rejected; that literally all I have to do is laugh at his jokes and be sexy, and I'm golden.

It's a bit more than just that. My mind's kind of all over the place right now (BTW have you read my thread in breaking up?) but I'll give some input.

 

The number one most important thing is that I find her attractive. Though this doesn't mean she has to be super hot, have a fit body and huge boobs, but those things do help.

 

Most guys are fine with normal looking girls who put an effort into their appearance.

 

Making a guy feel good is super important.

 

How important intelligence is depends on the guy. Though I'd say that there is a very good chance that if a guy is fairly intelligent, he'd want a girl who is as well. I could never carry a relationship with a super hot, dumb as doornail girl.

 

Hobbies are also important not so much that they are interesting but that they are something we can do together or something that she is very passionate about. Having common interests is pretty much mandatory in my book. There has to be something we do together besides sex.

 

How independent or successful you are. Eh, those things don't matter to me. As long as the woman is where she should be at her age than I'm fine. Like a woman shouldn't be 30 years old living with her parents working fast food. I don't care about independence as long as she isn't super needy.

 

And yet... the thing that nags at me is, those two things are probably true for thousands, millions of women. So a guy could literally be happy with any of them. Which means, I am in no way special to him. I'm like a toaster... easily picked out, easily replaced.

 

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

Of course it's important to have

The most important factor is that most men seriously don't have a lot of options.

 

But that doesn't mean that just because you're the best he can get, doesn't mean he can't fall in love with you. Hopefully those attachments would be strong enough that when a "better" girl does come around and make herself available, he will stick with you.

 

I was very happy with my GF and I wouldn't have left her for anyone.

[Revolver]

"Does he find you attractive?

Do you make him feel good?"

 

It's true. If you have those two things, you're like 98% of the way there in terms of "requirements" for the vast majority of men

 

But lol at the average guy having hundreds of options

Edited December 18, 2013 by Revolver

[Els]

V.... you know better than to generalize about 'all' guys because of what some people say on the internet. Nobody can speak for everyone else when all they share is the fact that they have a penis. Certainly not all women are alike... so why should all men be?

 

The reasons my guy likes me, according to him, don't necessarily fall in the categories you mentioned (although I suppose if you take a VERY broad view of 'attractive', they might, but the same goes to women too in that case). It's interesting that you mention intelligence and hobbies, because those are apparently two of the biggest reasons. I also know from mutual friends that he was hit on by a couple of girls during the months when he was courting me, but he was totally oblivious to it.

 

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but to emphasize that not all men are the same. When you find one that is compatible with you, everything everyone else says on the internet will be just noise.

[MissBee]

Lately I've been coming across more and more dating advice articles, written by men to advise women. A common theme I've seen in these articles is the idea that women have tons of standards and a long list, where as guys have hardly any. To quote:

 

• Does he find you attractive?
  
• Do you make him feel good?
  

 

That's it, apparently. It apparently doesn't matter how smart you are, how interesting your hobbies are, how independent or successful you are. It's literally just he feels good around you, and wants to sleep with you.

 

On the one hand, I suppose I should be pleased that guys apparently have so few standards, because it means less chance of me getting rejected; that literally all I have to do is laugh at his jokes and be sexy, and I'm golden.

 

And yet... the thing that nags at me is, those two things are probably true for thousands, millions of women. So a guy could literally be happy with any of them. Which means, I am in no way special to him. I'm like a toaster... easily picked out, easily replaced.

 

It makes me wonder, if a guy literally has dozens/hundreds/thousands of options to make him happy, why would he stick with me through the hard times? If I'm not that special, if the things he gets from me could be given by nearly any other female on the planet, then why be with me when things get rough? When money is tight or I'm stressed or maybe I temporarily put on a few pounds? What's to stop a guy from just shrugging, walking out the door, and finding something just as good?

 

All men aren't the same. Some have more complex wants and desires than others.

 

I think women probably spend more time articulating what they want than lots of men do, but they still know what it is they want and need.

 

I do think lots of men are satisfied with a woman who is pretty and makes him feel good and lots of women are the same. Lots of people, maybe most people, seem to form relationships on very shallow bases.

 

However, I think the more self-aware a man is the more he will require his partner to have more going on for her besides pretty and laugh at his jokes. That's a start. But a more complex man, even if he probably doesn't have a list written down, will know within himself that he needs other things from a woman besides that. There is also chemistry and the "it" factor which counts for something. While on paper lots of women may be pretty and agreeable to get on with a man will not have strong romantic feelings for ALL those women. Most of us have experienced inexplicably falling head over heels for someone who may not be the best looking person we've ever dated or who on paper doesn't seem like "it" but in the flesh and in our interaction it just works so you have no desire for other people. Same thing.

[Elliotte]

The whole "men are simple, women are complex" mentality is horrible and doing a disservice to both sexes. If you really were with a guy who had such low standards, you shouldn't be asking why he would stay, you should be asking why YOU would! Anyone with half a brain wants to be with someone because they want you for all of you, not you...just because you have one above average good quality!

[Imported]

I'm pretty sure many women care about attraction and how a guy makes her feel too. Except it doesn't end there. Many more hurdles for guys to overcome. Sure, I guess if some guys are way ahead on the hurdles that come after attraction and feelings, women will overlook. Till they cheat.

[Imported]

The whole "men are simple, women are complex" mentality is horrible and doing a disservice to both sexes. If you really were with a guy who had such low standards, you shouldn't be asking why he would stay, you should be asking why YOU would! Anyone with half a brain wants to be with someone because they want you for all of you, not you...just because you have one above average good quality!

 

Fairy tales really do come true!

 

 

But I don't think "men are simple, women are complex". I think women are simple as well, but can hold their breath longer and actually try to. Most men won't even entertain doing that. If she ugly, don't matter how much money or power she has.

[Leeway Harris]

It's funny how people believe what they want to believe, no matter what. They start with an assumption, like "guys are this way" or "girls are that way" and then they search high and low for evidence that supports their unfounded conclusion, even in the most superficial manner. All while ignoring mountains of evidence that doesn't fit with their preferred vision of the world.

 

verhrzn, and everyone else involved in this ridiculous circular argument: Yes, you're absolutely right, things are exactly as you describe. Because you want them that way. You've dreamed up a world filled with straw men and windmills, and now you're living in it.