I really hate myself.

[rockmanmegaman]

I'm a 20 year guy. In the closet, have social anxiety, suffering bi-polar depression, and tourrette syndrome (tics ranges from making sound, hard blinking my eyes, and other stuff). I am also not that good in the eyes, and is extremely shy. Every time when I goto sleep, I always cry myself to sleep. People at Primary school call me ugly, they make fun of my tics. They call me a "spastic", and that I'm a weirdo. When I was in high School, people make fun of me, calling me gay, and theyw ould all just stare at me, and laugh as soon as I make one of my tic. In Senior High school, things gotten better, but everytime when I walk pass some girls, they'll always make me feel bad about myself. I am currently at Uni doing teaching. In my first prac, I was teaching Year 6... In my first day, the kids were making fun of lips and yes, and my tics... After that day, I cried every night.

 

I asked my parents do you think I'm ugly, they said yes and told me to get over it. I really wanted to cry but they just told me get over it as I'm a guy. In addition, my mom's friends always just compliment how my brother is handsome, and they always just say I don't look anything like my parents. Whenever I have an argument with my siblings about something, they'll always bring up my disorder and appearance, and make me feel like really bad. They also like to make fun of the fact I'm single.

 

Every time when I look at the mirror, I just see a person I really hate. I made some close friends, and they tell me I'm a nice and kind person but it never works. People constantly tell me to love myself but how can I love myself when everyone just poke fun at me... One guy confess that he loves me. I really like him as well but god I really hate myself, and I said no... I'm sorry... He told me that he thinks I'm good looking, and that I'm really nice and kind. I was really happy when I heard that, but I can't help but think he was only lying, or that there's going to be an ulterior motive, and I was really scared that I would get dump a few weeks... I mean who would ever like me.

[regine_phalange]

I'm a 20 year guy. In the closet, have social anxiety, suffering bi-polar depression, and tourrette syndrome (tics ranges from making sound, hard blinking my eyes, and other stuff). I am also not that good in the eyes, and is extremely shy. Every time when I goto sleep, I always cry myself to sleep. People at Primary school call me ugly, they make fun of my tics. They call me a "spastic", and that I'm a weirdo. When I was in high School, people make fun of me, calling me gay, and theyw ould all just stare at me, and laugh as soon as I make one of my tic. In Senior High school, things gotten better, but everytime when I walk pass some girls, they'll always make me feel bad about myself. I am currently at Uni doing teaching. In my first prac, I was teaching Year 6... In my first day, the kids were making fun of lips and yes, and my tics... After that day, I cried every night.

 

I asked my parents do you think I'm ugly, they said yes and told me to get over it. I really wanted to cry but they just told me get over it as I'm a guy. In addition, my mom's friends always just compliment how my brother is handsome, and they always just say I don't look anything like my parents. Whenever I have an argument with my siblings about something, they'll always bring up my disorder and appearance, and make me feel like really bad. They also like to make fun of the fact I'm single.

 

Every time when I look at the mirror, I just see a person I really hate. I made some close friends, and they tell me I'm a nice and kind person but it never works. People constantly tell me to love myself but how can I love myself when everyone just poke fun at me... One guy confess that he loves me. I really like him as well but god I really hate myself, and I said no... I'm sorry... He told me that he thinks I'm good looking, and that I'm really nice and kind. I was really happy when I heard that, but I can't help but think he was only lying, or that there's going to be an ulterior motive, and I was really scared that I would get dump a few weeks... I mean who would ever like me.

 

Hello

Don't listen to these pr*cks (your parents included). Your disorder is something you can't control, and if they had it they wouldn't be able to control it either. Would they be on university and have people to appreciate their kindness, like yourself? I think NO!

 

WHY did you say no to this guy if you liked him?? You can start off as friends and see where it goes. Why don't you go for a friendly coffee? With no expectations. Relationships fail all the time... Invite him! No need to punish yourself, show a bit of trust, and if it doesnt go well, it doesnt. Will not be your fault. x

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry your parents said that to you. That's awful. Any chance they were being sarcastic? (Not that it would be appropriate but at least you'd know they mean the opposite)

 

 

Have you tried therapy?

 

 

Somehow you need to learn to like yourself. I grew up thinking I was ugly but some external validation helped me to overcome that. You also need to improve your own self talk to give yourself more positive messages.

 

 

Do you think coming out would help you be more your true self & less hateful? It has to be emotionally exhausting to hide who you are all the time.

[AnyaNova]

I'm a 20 year guy. In the closet, have social anxiety, suffering bi-polar depression, and tourrette syndrome (tics ranges from making sound, hard blinking my eyes, and other stuff). I am also not that good in the eyes, and is extremely shy. Every time when I goto sleep, I always cry myself to sleep. People at Primary school call me ugly, they make fun of my tics. They call me a "spastic", and that I'm a weirdo. When I was in high School, people make fun of me, calling me gay, and theyw ould all just stare at me, and laugh as soon as I make one of my tic. In Senior High school, things gotten better, but everytime when I walk pass some girls, they'll always make me feel bad about myself. I am currently at Uni doing teaching. In my first prac, I was teaching Year 6... In my first day, the kids were making fun of lips and yes, and my tics... After that day, I cried every night.

 

I asked my parents do you think I'm ugly, they said yes and told me to get over it. I really wanted to cry but they just told me get over it as I'm a guy. In addition, my mom's friends always just compliment how my brother is handsome, and they always just say I don't look anything like my parents. Whenever I have an argument with my siblings about something, they'll always bring up my disorder and appearance, and make me feel like really bad. They also like to make fun of the fact I'm single.

 

Every time when I look at the mirror, I just see a person I really hate. I made some close friends, and they tell me I'm a nice and kind person but it never works. People constantly tell me to love myself but how can I love myself when everyone just poke fun at me... One guy confess that he loves me. I really like him as well but god I really hate myself, and I said no... I'm sorry... He told me that he thinks I'm good looking, and that I'm really nice and kind. I was really happy when I heard that, but I can't help but think he was only lying, or that there's going to be an ulterior motive, and I was really scared that I would get dump a few weeks... I mean who would ever like me.

 

First of all, get yourself as far away from your toxic family as possible. Then, spend lots of time with your friends who tell you that you are nice and kind. Listen to them. Believe them!

 

Next, get your butt to therapy now. It sounds like your folks have given you every need to be there with their cruelty.

 

Then, once all those things are in place, call that guy up, tell him you feel the same way and have all along and that you were cared.

 

Then, even if this guy does break your heart, you will survive it and get back out there. I know to those of us with AvPD/ attachment issues it can seem like we can't survive things like heartbreak, but we can! I'm living proof. I'm still breathing and kicking!

[Zahara]

First of all, get away from your toxic family. That sort of negative conditioning won't do you any favors but cause intense on-going harm and damage to your self-esteem. Family is your safe haven, yet they've made it hell for you.

 

It's funny how we believe and gravitate towards the negativity and allow that to control our lives and our perception of who we are and how we value ourselves. You have those that love and care for you, yet all that doesn't make a damn bit difference nor do you believe a word of it because you've allowed other peoples perceptions of you to become yours. Your value has to be established from within you and not from anyone else. Yes, you loving yourself doesn't come from others loving you. It comes from you. Your family and all the asswholes around you have conditioned you to believe what they believe. Don't make their ignorance yours. If anything, their behavior speaks volumes as to what horrible people they are.

 

Please find a good therapist you can talk to so that you both can work at finding coping skills that you can equip yourself with when having to deal with the emotional and mental trauma you have experienced and are experiencing. You need to find a place where you can say whatever it is you need to say without feeling judged.

[ThatMan]

Hello

Don't listen to these pr*cks (your parents included). Your disorder is something you can't control, and if they had it they wouldn't be able to control it either.

 

Please think on this. You are not defined by your disorder. You are rockmanmegaman, whoever that might be. I strongly urge you to broaden your understanding of yourself.

 

I'm also terribly sorry that your parents treat you this way. Terribly sorry. I think the therapy route is a good idea. But I wanted offer an additional idea: You can carefully think about how you would have liked your parents to treat you. Then you can treat yourself with the kindness you've always wanted. I know things are hard and painful right now, but you deserve to be in a better place in life. I think it's impressive and very admirable that you've chosen to speak about this.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry your family have behaved so badly towards you. They sound completely insensitive. You cannot take the comments they made seriously as no sane, sensible parent would be so thoughtless.

 

You, however, sound like an amazing guy. Look at what you've achieved despite your struggle against mindless idiots in society. You teach at uni. You're sensitive and thoughtful. There are people who like you and think a lot of you. There is a guy who likes you too, who you seem to be interested in.

 

It's hard to throw off the effects of past experiences without an external voice to help you work through the fears and worries you've been dealing with. If you work at a uni., they may have a counselling service that is available to staff too. Please find out. If not, see your doctor and ask if they can refer you for counselling. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a decent guy that has suffered abuse and needs some support to work through that and build your self esteem. You deserve that support.