Things I learned in my affair

[Got it]

Each situation is different and while there are some similarities I am not one to assume otherwise. I think that each party needs to make sure they are their own best advocate, that they have their boundaries and expectations in line and expressed and they hold to them. I think that each party needs to focus on their communication and conflict resolution and I do not advise any OP to allow the MP every accommodation because of their marital status. This is their baby to rock, not the OP's.

 

Yes, some MP lie and do not leave. Yes, some do. And no, there is no guarantees that any one thing will show which direction someone will go.

 

For myself, I had some road maps as well as actions I did/set up in the beginning not what would tell me definitively what would happen but show me points along the way. But even with all signs pointing to someone divorcing, it really does come down to that final move of actually leaving. And I do not minimize the magnitude of what is wrapped up in that decision and action.

 

So for the OP my best recommendation if you are expecting the MP to divorce:

 

1. They clearly state that they are going to divorce.

2. That they are interested in and engaging in therapy to help them work towards that. And they own their own faults in the marriage. If everything is the spouse's fault, big red flag.

3. Communicate clearly expectations and timelines/boundaries.

4. Be your own best advocate and hold to what you stated. For everyone, it is not about the words but the actions.

5. That goes to the MP as well, ignore the words, look at the actions.

6. Expect and demand open communication. Do not rugsweep lies or lies of omissions along the way.

7. Expect the MP to pull their own weight and do not give allowances because they say they have limitations. Make accommodations that work for you, but do not give more than you get. You can't "make" someone do anything or be anything they are not. They have to want it and will put energy to desire.

8. Focus on today. If the bad starts to outweigh the good then reassess.

9. Know that if they leave that is just a mile marker it is not the finish line.

10. Continue to assess if this is someone you want to be with. Just because they separated does not mean you are beholden to them. If they are not a good partner for you, do not hang on for the person you hope they become.

 

And finally, 11. when someone shows you who they are, believe them. No amount of wishing, hoping, dreaming will make it reality. Keep your feet on the ground, assess the facts that you have today and determine tomorrow based on said facts.

 

And actually a final final,

 

12. know that just because you break up does not mean that they can't catch up for you. But it is your call. Everyone has their own journey to walk, some intermingle for a moment, for awhile, or for a lifetime. But you are the explorer and captain of your pathway. Do not assume anyone will lead you. Lead yourself. If they are good enough for you, you will see that as they will prove it. If they don't then you really didn't want them anyway.

 

Everyone deserves someone that will show them every day how much they love and respect them. If you aren't getting that, then cut bait, they weren't good enough for you anyway.

 

Know you will be okay with or without them. I learned through the whole process that while I loved him more than I have ever loved someone, that when I walked I knew I would be okay. He was not the only man on earth that I would be compatible with and even though there are some unique features to our partnership, there would be unique pieces in other relationships as well. I know what I bring to the table and know I am a desirable mate for others. It doesn't diminish my love for him but it kept me grounded when I got sucked into the whirlwind of wanting him.

 

For me, we have continued to work together on us and I am very happily married to him. But life with him and starting as an affair has brought its own host of obstacles and concerns. I grossly underestimated the impact of the affair. I have never been able to reconcile the love and happiness I feel for/with him and the amount of pain it caused others. Do not underestimate the impact of a dday nor do I ever advocate one as a way to push someone off the fence. If you need to leverage a nuclear bomb than walk away now. It will not give you what you want. If you feel you need to disclose because you feel the spouse has the right to know and you are disclosing and walking away, then do it. But to force an action? Bad idea.

 

This is just my two cents based on my experience. Take what you want and leave the rest.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Self forgiveness seems to be the most difficult forgiveness to give.

 

Letting ourselves down..I think is the hardest thing to accept. Because if anyone in this world should be looking out for us....its us.

 

None of us...wants to believe that we have the capacity to hurt others so profoundly. However, we all have that capacity. Its just whether or not we do.

 

For me, that forgiveness took time. Yup, that old standby response. Not just time, but how I lived my life during that time.

 

So, that now..I accept and own my actions..but do not carry the pain of it. I know that I am no longer that person. Like Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption..at the parole hearing. Yes, has regret, wishes he could talk to his young self...but it's not possible. He can't speak on behalf of his young self...because that is not WHO he is. He is no longer that young man....but the man that sits before them.

[Nothisgirl]

Thank you for this...I really needed to read this today.