what the hell i am doing

[whatamidoing101]

my partner has gone away for 3 months to have our first baby - long story why. i have completely gone off the rails.

 

at first i visited one prostitute repeatedly but then i realised i was looking for more than sex. female companionship, affection - normal relationship stuff. next i started using a suggardaddy website. rather than go out and pick up a woman or start an affair with a woman i know i thought this was a better solution.

 

2 weeks ago i met a stunningly attractive young woman at a hotel. she wanted cash for this, so i had her firmly in the prostitute category but because we'd exchanged quite a lot of email beforehand i was very curious to meet her. i had the most amazing night of my life for many years, in fact perhaps ever. we talked and screwed all night. she said she was looking for one man she liked to support her and said she thought i could be this man. frankly i was totally seduced by her during that night - haven't been able to get her out of my head since. she's 23, i'm 35.

 

i was happy to offer her a certain amount of money each month to 'support her'.

 

we exchange, i don't know, 50 or so texts each day since that night.

 

we've been for dinner and also the cinema. i've also taken her to the theatre and spent another long night with her in a hotel.

 

during the second hotel session, we only screwed once but talked for several hrs. i didn't want sex at all after what she told me, but she insisted. i came clean about the pregnancy circumstance and she came clean about her other 'job' as a call girl. she told me her full history and it reduced me to tears.

 

she's a very messed up girl and i strongly feel like 'rescuing' her. she's the classic 'damsel in distress'. she needs help.

 

as well as the physical side for me, we strangely have a lot in common and get on very well. she also really listens to me. something my partner never really did. she always dismissed my feelings. she is quite a tough woman - also quite young, 29. we've been together 8yrs and this is the first time i've cheated.

 

even though its only 2/3 weeks i already feel it's almost impossible to break it off with the damsel. she has sort of promised herself to me if i can fix her personal problems. she thinks they are physical, i think they are mental.

 

yes, i'm insane. if my partner found out, she'd be devastated. of course i feel guilty, to her and my unborn son. i am already sick of the lying and deceit. sex with my partner has always been **** and in many ways, at least so far, i can see i get on much better with this damsel than i do with her.

[tiredofitall2]

my partner has gone away for 3 months to have our first baby - long story why. i have completely gone off the rails.

 

at first i visited one prostitute repeatedly but then i realised i was looking for more than sex. female companionship, affection - normal relationship stuff. next i started using a suggardaddy website. rather than go out and pick up a woman or start an affair with a woman i know i thought this was a better solution.

 

2 weeks ago i met a stunningly attractive young woman at a hotel. she wanted cash for this, so i had her firmly in the prostitute category but because we'd exchanged quite a lot of email beforehand i was very curious to meet her. i had the most amazing night of my life for many years, in fact perhaps ever. we talked and screwed all night. she said she was looking for one man she liked to support her and said she thought i could be this man. frankly i was totally seduced by her during that night - haven't been able to get her out of my head since. she's 23, i'm 35.

 

i was happy to offer her a certain amount of money each month to 'support her'.

 

we exchange, i don't know, 50 or so texts each day since that night.

 

we've been for dinner and also the cinema. i've also taken her to the theatre and spent another long night with her in a hotel.

 

during the second hotel session, we only screwed once but talked for several hrs. i didn't want sex at all after what she told me, but she insisted. i came clean about the pregnancy circumstance and she came clean about her other 'job' as a call girl. she told me her full history and it reduced me to tears.

 

she's a very messed up girl and i strongly feel like 'rescuing' her. she's the classic 'damsel in distress'. she needs help.

 

as well as the physical side for me, we strangely have a lot in common and get on very well. she also really listens to me. something my partner never really did. she always dismissed my feelings. she is quite a tough woman - also quite young, 29. we've been together 8yrs and this is the first time i've cheated.

 

even though its only 2/3 weeks i already feel it's almost impossible to break it off with the damsel. she has sort of promised herself to me if i can fix her personal problems. she thinks they are physical, i think they are mental.

 

yes, i'm insane. if my partner found out, she'd be devastated. of course i feel guilty, to her and my unborn son. i am already sick of the lying and deceit. sex with my partner has always been **** and in many ways, at least so far, i can see i get on much better with this damsel than i do with her.

 

Yes go and have a relationship with a prostitute. Leave your wife and family for her. This will sure end well for you.

 

Seriously man, what are you thinking? Do you really believe this girl will be good for you? Tell her to come live with you and not take any more money. Maybe she will, but one day you will come home and find her in bed with some customer. BTW, doesn't it repulse you that she has probably been with so many men that can't even be accounted for?

 

For all that it is important in your life, do not have sex with your wife unless you have a battery of STD tests conducted. Last thing you want to do is give your W AIDS. That child needs his mother.

[ChooseTruth]

This is a great example of how infidelity hurts everyone.

 

The longer you let this drag on, the worse it will be when it finally explodes...

 

Why aren't you with your wife while she is having your child? Will you repeat this cycle if you get the next woman pregnant?

[whatamidoing101]

to the first one - she's been doing it for 10months. she was tested recently for stds.

 

i know. i'm insane. not easy to do the right thing. i know what the right thing to do is. i'm finding so hard to do it though. i'm obsessed with her.

 

there's no way i'd leave my partner for her unless she sorted herself out.

 

why is my partner having the child elsewhere? I'm British and she's German. She's gone to her country because the healthcare is much better.

[RightThere]

why is my partner having the child elsewhere?

 

Probably because you are a huge d-bag who is sleeping with hookers planning a new life while the mother of your child is away taking care of your baby?

 

Either that or because of the good health care. Hard to say.

[whatamidoing101]

im not planning anything.

 

no, it's certainly the health care system. the health system in Britain is falling apart and she wishes to be amongst her family and her own people (Germans). i fully supported it but i had not idea i'd go nuts.

[tiredofitall2]

to the first one - she's been doing it for 10months. she was tested recently for stds.

 

i know. i'm insane. not easy to do the right thing. i know what the right thing to do is. i'm finding so hard to do it though. i'm obsessed with her.

 

there's no way i'd leave my partner for her unless she sorted herself out.

 

why is my partner having the child elsewhere? I'm British and she's German. She's gone to her country because the healthcare is much better.

 

Never contact this woman again and go cold turkey. Your hooked like an addict.

 

 

You are not as strong as your mind, and in affair situations your mind IS ON DRUGS. It most often starts as something “innocent”… Chemicals get naturally released into the brain–fed small doses of “love drugs” i.e. phenyl ethylamine (or “PEA” — a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain. PEA is a natural amphetamine, which releases Dopamine. Dopamine stimulates the production of oxytocin). This begins “intrusive thinking,” where it seems like your brain is fixated on the object of your affection. When your heart rules your head, there’s actually one part of your brain running the other: the cortex is the area of your brain that controls logical thinking, while emotions are processed by the limbic system. When too many happy chemicals like PEA and dopamine flood your brain, they head straight for the limbic system.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You have made choices about your sexual health. They are yours to make.

 

You do NOT have the right to make them for your wife.

 

It is beyond a slap in the face, to find out, that one thought they were safe sexually....only to find out..their partner (through lies) has exposed you to thousands of partners and risks.

 

You also might want to look at why KISA (Knight in Shining Armour) is appealing to you. Most would grow weary/not find attractive having to "fix" someone else. We all...have our own issues to deal with. And for most...that is enough.

[tired girl]

You really think you can fix another person?

If she was any kind of healthy person at all, she would not want you to fix her, she would be looking to fix herself. Why would you want someone that needs someone else to fix her? What are you, a KISA? You need to go around fixing people so you can feel better about yourself? You need to take a look at why you feel the need to do this so strongly.

[whatamidoing101]

the KISA/damsel in distress is a 2500yr old phenomenon. as long as their are men and women this will happen. it's featured in every culture throughout world history and in all myths from jewish to greek to middle age europe. it's the first time I ever experienced it personally.

 

normally, if anything, women have looked after me - they have nurtured me. more mothering - that's equally part of the human condition.

 

we never had sex without a condom and she has checked recently. she has not had, for a hooker, many clients. the risks there are low.

 

i'm feeling a bit more sane now, i can actually imagine ending this. i couldn't before.

[tired girl]

Just because it exists doesn't mean it is healthy. Murder has been around forever too, is that a reasonable excuse? Give me a break, start using the head on your shoulders. You have a child coming into this world and you are about to throw it all away over a hooker. Really?

[tired girl]

You PAID her. This is not Pretty Woman, with Julia Roberts and you get to be the hero. This is real life that you are about to screw up.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Condoms do not protect against all forms of STIs.

 

We do not live in Babylonian times...so using those old thought processes are of no benefit in the modern world. Just like how man had to throw out all those "flat" maps of the world.

[whatamidoing101]

i certainly paid her the first time. the other times we've spent together it's perhaps not so clear. is her affection really fake? the second time, she's the one who insisted on sex not me. she has orgasms and tells me what she wants - she's hypersexual. she's the only women i ever had who outscrewed me.

[whatamidoing101]

the damsel in distress / femininity / masculinity - these are not comparable with a crime, ie murder. what a stupid thing to say.

[tired girl]

You are saying just because something has been around forever, it is excusable. I was saying it wasn't. I wasn't measuring it up against a crime, I was measuring it up against something that has been around forever as well.

 

So because she can screw your brains out, you should throw your family away? You do realize that this would probably not last forever right?

[Quiet Storm]

Your wife is away, you say she doesn't listen to you... so justified or not (not IMO), you are feeling like a neglected man.

 

She is young, attractive and needs money.

 

Some people have natural talents like music, or art...and they can earn money from using those talents. Some people get degrees and succeed in their careers. And some people have their looks. She is using her looks & charm, to her advantage.

 

She told you herself- she is looking for one guy to support her. A guy that's safe, reliable and willing to pay her bills. A guy that's sympathetic to her issues. A guy that wants to save her & protect her. You are a good candidate for that. But don't get it twisted... you are both using each other. You are using her for attention, validation & sex. She is using you for money.

 

You are taking it as genuine interest, but she is just doing all the usual tricks that men respond to. She knows what to say- she has been around a lot of men. She knows how to inspire these "I want to save her" feelings in you. She knows how to foster a connection. She has a plan, an agenda, maybe even a script. This is her livelihood.

 

It's just like when a waitress butters you up to get a good tip. Some men see her friendliness as genuine interest. It's not hard to get a man to feel "connected". Especially a man that sees himself as neglected, lonely, deprived, etc.

 

Tell her you've had some unexpected expenses and can no longer afford to pay her, but you love her and want her to spend time with you for free. See if still she's willing to provide you with all the attention, validation and emotional support.

 

You are putting your marriage and your family at risk. If you love your son, do not cheat on his mother. If you are unhappy in your marriage, work on resolving those issues. Or get a divorce. Do not disrespect your wife and son because you need ego strokes.

 

I think you are being selfish & immature. I also think you are fooling yourself.

[AlwaysGrowing]

A quote from a movie about infidelity:

 

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bull****. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."

[sweet_pea]

Wow, please give your wife the truth and choice of if she wants to divorce you. It's the least you could do, since you are taking away her choice with everything else (financially, with the affair/marriage wise).

[Spark1111]

Quiet Storm is once again, SPOT ON.

 

You love a woman who sounds strong and resourceful and maybe mothers you a little too much? and maybe she is tired of it as she has left to have her baby elsewhere and the sex? meh, not so hot....

 

You are with a pro who orgasms ( seemingly) with your slightest touch.

 

This is the oldest trick in the book.

 

Now, you are besotted and seek to throw away a marriage to support a working girl. the best trick of all is to be a damsel in distress, the hooker with the heart of gold, to open your heart and to desire you....is what hooks most men.

 

If she can juggle two or three of you....she should be able to retire from the profession in 2 or 3 years...at the ripe old age oh 25, 26.

 

You are a fool.

 

I agree with QS. tell her you love her but cannot afford to pay her, yet would love to still see her and it will take some time, at least a year or two, to extricate yourself from your marriage so you and she can be together forever.

 

see how long this works until A: She parts you from a substantial amount of your money , and if she cannot achieve that, B: Stops returning your phone call or begs off with how her feelings for you are so strong, her heart breaks knowing you are with another so she must MOVE on.....sigh.....

[SincereOnlineGuy]

my partner has gone away for 3 months to have our first baby - long story why. i have completely gone off the rails.

 

at first i visited one prostitute repeatedly but then i realised i was looking for more than sex. female companionship, affection - normal relationship stuff. next i started using a suggardaddy website. rather than go out and pick up a woman or start an affair with a woman i know i thought this was a better solution.

 

2 weeks ago i met a stunningly attractive young woman at a hotel. she wanted cash for this, so i had her firmly in the prostitute category but because we'd exchanged quite a lot of email beforehand i was very curious to meet her. i had the most amazing night of my life for many years, in fact perhaps ever. we talked and screwed all night. she said she was looking for one man she liked to support her and said she thought i could be this man. frankly i was totally seduced by her during that night - haven't been able to get her out of my head since. she's 23, i'm 35.

 

i was happy to offer her a certain amount of money each month to 'support her'.

 

we exchange, i don't know, 50 or so texts each day since that night.

 

we've been for dinner and also the cinema. i've also taken her to the theatre and spent another long night with her in a hotel.

 

during the second hotel session, we only screwed once but talked for several hrs. i didn't want sex at all after what she told me, but she insisted. i came clean about the pregnancy circumstance and she came clean about her other 'job' as a call girl. she told me her full history and it reduced me to tears.

 

she's a very messed up girl and i strongly feel like 'rescuing' her. she's the classic 'damsel in distress'. she needs help.

 

as well as the physical side for me, we strangely have a lot in common and get on very well. she also really listens to me. something my partner never really did. she always dismissed my feelings. she is quite a tough woman - also quite young, 29. we've been together 8yrs and this is the first time i've cheated.

 

even though its only 2/3 weeks i already feel it's almost impossible to break it off with the damsel. she has sort of promised herself to me if i can fix her personal problems. she thinks they are physical, i think they are mental.

 

yes, i'm insane. if my partner found out, she'd be devastated. of course i feel guilty, to her and my unborn son. i am already sick of the lying and deceit. sex with my partner has always been **** and in many ways, at least so far, i can see i get on much better with this damsel than i do with her.

 

 

I haven't read any of the other responses... (or I'd have just given-up by now, I expect)...

 

The "rescue" part here is the part that probably foretells how this whole thing is going to go/evolve.

 

While she may be great sex, she, as an emotional being, is like one of those beetles you see upside-down and flailing... and on occasion back in your past (c'mon, admit it)... you bothered to turn the coal-black thing right-side up, only to watch it just turn right back on it's back and flail some more!!!!

 

That woman needs chaotic surroundings which you simply aren't capable of providing (no matter your practice at home).

 

There are so many people, in relationships, all over society who, as you have, communicated yourselves into a corner (where nearly all of the disarray of your present relationship there at home can be traced to your own collective mistakes/blunders/fears/insecurities, and lack of the daring it takes to make yourself truly vulnerable TO that partner).

 

You and your partner did this together... and man, for soooooooooooo many, it feels like the fresh start afforded by randomly adopting some other fling/partner/rescue... alleviates the pressure caused by the aforementioned mistakes/blunders.

 

For some, (sadly), it's a damn good move to just make that original relationship end, in favor of at least starting over. It's a lot like bankruptcy in that it is permanently on your record, it's unfair to everybody else, but it comes with a chance that you might just do better next time, based on momentum alone if nothing more.

 

The 'rescue' girl will milk you a great deal, financially, and eventually emotionally... as she eventually demonstrates no inclination to follow the path which you (and most of the rest of us??) would consider most logical.

 

The most frustration will arise at some point not far off when, despite how much effort YOU are putting forth to help her, she won't help herseeeeeeeelf (with something that shall, at least at the time, seem rather simple and obvious as her should-be next move)

[InnocentMan]

As intoxicating as this wench may well be, you should run, and never look back. There's literally no scenario that this can end well for you. The best you will get is a couple of years of good sex, complete with a ****-load of drama.

 

After that, you will lose her, and you will have already lost your son. The age gap alone should be enough to make you wary, besides all the other crap.

[experiencethedevine]

the KISA/damsel in distress is a 2500yr old phenomenon. as long as their are men and women this will happen. it's featured in every culture throughout world history and in all myths from jewish to greek to middle age europe. it's the first time I ever experienced it personally.

 

normally, if anything, women have looked after me - they have nurtured me. more mothering - that's equally part of the human condition.

 

we never had sex without a condom and she has checked recently. she has not had, for a hooker, many clients. the risks there are low.

 

i'm feeling a bit more sane now, i can actually imagine ending this. i couldn't before.

 

 

Did you marry your German wife as a serviceman by any chance?

 

 

This would make a significant difference in your thought processes frankly.

 

 

The indoctrination a serviceman undertakes to do his job gives him a sense of entitlement that is peculiar to servicemen.

 

 

I know. I married one.

 

 

You are not entitled to live the life of a single man when you are apart from your wife. This kind of compartmentalising is a direct result of your training.

 

 

As everyone here has alluded to, this will end very badly and your wife deserves more than your selfishness at this time.

[experiencethedevine]

i certainly paid her the first time. the other times we've spent together it's perhaps not so clear. is her affection really fake? the second time, she's the one who insisted on sex not me. she has orgasms and tells me what she wants - she's hypersexual. she's the only women i ever had who outscrewed me.

 

 

The woman is not 'hypersexual', she is a 'performer'. She has 'trained' herself to react in a particular way to ensure the continuation of her income! She is intent on legitimising herself as having a social status that is removed from her chosen occupation by your investing in her!

[waterwoman]

Wow, how did I manage to have 3 babies safely and happily with such inferior healthcare?

 

However I digress....

 

I was a tough woman who could look after herself when H had his A. Why? Because I had learned to be - it was the nature of my H to let me take charge - he was more than happy to let me be the one who did everything. I had more or less given up expecting him to take control, fix things, give me anyone to lean on. But when he fell for OW with her 5 star DID routine it hurt like hell because he had so signally failed to realise that I also need a KISA at times, there were times when I was in distress and needed strong arms to help me. How about if you tried to stop allowing people to mother you and started looking after them for a change - the period in your wife's life when she has just given birth and is emotional and physically vulnerable would be a damned good time to start. Oh and you need to give the call girl the bum's rush beforehand...