Can anyone offer encouraging words? I don't think I will make it.

[Daisy2013]

I closed the door on my friendship with my exMOM today. I won't go into the back story, it's here. He was telling me how much he loved me and was crying, but that he couldn't dishonor God and leave his wife, and could we remain friends and could he continue to call me. He'd been sick with the flu and home, and a lot of time to think. Our A has been over, but we've remained friends and he always tells me he loves me, every week. I guess he needed to let me know once again he wasn't leaving, even though I haven't asked. But, I snapped apart this time. We are both believers who took a wayward walk. I'm a bad person, a terrible Christian.

 

I shut the door. I said no. I always fail and go back. If he's still thinking about us in that way and it is causing him pain dishonoring God, and he won't leave, and is bringing this up again, I said I was boxing us up and going to forget about us. He cried, saying he couldn't box me up. I deleted his few texts, he rarely texted as he wanted no written record. I deleted him from my phone and blocked it. He has a pay as he goes phone for his real phone so no record there. He calls a couple of times per week.

 

I hurt. I've loved him for over 2 years. He says the only way we can be together is if his wife were to die and well that's not what I wish. He doesn't want to set a bad example for his kids with a 3rd divorce, they have no kids together, but he considers her daughter his, and he has 3 from a marriage. He is 56, I am 46, and she is 60.

 

I've lost my confidant and best friend. Our emotional connection is strong. I cry with happiness in his arms. We didn't even need sex.

 

I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I will have to see him and be happy at church, I can't leave as my daughter attends.

 

He will call again, he always does after he has this talk and we go our separate ways, but it never lasts. This time it will as I've blocked him, and he will come to me with sad eyes at church.

 

I know it will be easy for him to forget about me, no matter what he says. Two years and nothing shows it.

 

I deserve this pain, I'm a whore, obviously, and didn't even know it until he came along and drew me in.

 

Can anyone just offer wisdom or advice or encouragement so I can keep breathing? I will never be the same and I will never love like this again. I haven't before as I don't love easily, and he stole my heart. I miss my friend.

 

I am off to find a "box" so I can pack up my memories, love, feelings, and put it away.

 

Thank you.

[awkward]

Well Daisy, from here, you look like a strong woman. You are ready for the pain to end and you ended it. You still have time to meet a man that will treat you with respect. With respect comes loves. The kind of love you know you deserve.

 

Be proud of yourself.

[Debanked]

The sun will still rise tomorrow. Consider a new church.

[TaraMaiden]

You do realise that the reason he clings, like a piece of dull old chewing-gum, is because you're stronger than he is?

And he knows this.....

 

And please, quit with the "I'm a whore" line. You do yourself no favours, and you're not.

 

Foolish?

Perhaps.

Reckless?

Probably.

Misguided?

Almost certainly.

 

But that doesn't make you a whore.

not unless you turn $500 tricks for any man-jack who comes along....

 

Consider this a valid pity-party.

Fine.

You have got it off your chest.

 

Now, cry off church. It's hypocritical anyway, to keep lying, in public and putting on the brave face.

you don't feel brave, and I think, quite frankly, you don't feel like being brave, right now.

 

Make any excuse you want - but don't deliberately put yourself in harm's way by exposing yourself to butchery of your heart.

If you have your faith, talk to God on your own - when you can be closest to him, on your own. Go for a walk in the woods, a long drive, a walk on the beach, a stroll in the park. (This naturally depends on your geographic location, but you get the gist....)

 

And quit beating yourself up.

beat him up instead. he has the gall to cry tears and lie to his wife, use you for sexual gratification and - honestly? - enjoy the 'best of both worlds'.

 

he still has his home and faithful, dutiful wife.

You have limbo, and a 'box'.

 

Write everything that's in your heart. Start to finish. Every single sentiment you feel, and leave nothing out. Do it long hand, and purge your system, page after page, and cry all you want, while you do. Scream, bawl and really let it out, as you need to.

 

Then?

 

Burn everything, and with the rising flame, smoke and ashes, put an end to that chapter and live again.

 

It's what God wants you to do.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No, you will never be the same. Isn't that a good thing though? You will never be blind to the consequences of having an affair.

 

Never love like this again? I certainly hope you never have love like this in the future!!!!!! It was unhealthy for you. It cost you. And the price was dear.

 

Your heart is yours. Always was...always will be. Do not get romantic about it. Use your head.

 

Purging yourself of those memories/mementos is a great idea.

 

Try your best to keep your focus on you. You will heal much faster. As the only true change we have control over..is ourselves. Focusing on him..is a waste of emotional energy...you can't change anything about him...it is not within your control...so you will stayed tied to it..trying to resolve something that can not be resolved by you.

[whichwayisup]

First off STOP putting yourself down and name calling yourself, that is pointless and only making you feel worse! No more.

 

Just cry and let yourself grieve this loss. When you are strong enough, you must ask him to stop calling you and end the friendship. Being friends is just an EA, a way to keep the feelings alive but it prevents you from grieving and letting go of him. HE chose to stay married so he has to let you go. It's selfish and unfair of him to keep telling you he loves you. You know that, and every time he tells you it's pouring salt into your wounds because he chose his wife and family...

 

Keep good company, friends and family, those who make you laugh and feel good about yourself. Journal your thoughts, write letters but don't send them.. Be good to yourself most of all.

[bentleychic]

You are NOT a whore. You made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. EVERYBODY, Christian or not. Period. Show me someone that professes to be perfect and sin free and I will show you a liar.

 

You are very strong. You've already proven that. Good luck! Take up a new hobby, find some things to occupy your time that you used to spend talking to exMM. Good luck!

[yellowmaverick]

Daisy - Read your post. Read what this is doing to your soul. Read how this affair makes you feel about yourself. NO fleeting amount of thrill that you feel when you talk with him is worth how you feel about yourself afterwards. You have got to find the strength to stop it.

 

Get support from a friend and call that friend every time that you feel tempted to talk to the OM.

[heylovey22]

I do wish you would stop speaking badly of yourself. We seem to label ourselves as these terrible people when these things go happen, but from my own personal experience and reading all of these posts, we are human and at the end of the day the heart feels what it feels- right or "wrong".

 

I'm a big believer in whatever feels right, is right... even if it seems wrong.

 

Most of the posts on here are women (or men) who have never wished harm on anyone. Not the OW/OM, and not their spouses. I don't think we're bad people at all... sure we've made some bad decisions but so has everyone- that's life.

 

Matters within the heart are difficult and often times uncontrollable... I think we shouldn't beat ourselves up so much as instead, try to forgive ourselves and better ourselves. And love ourselves. I think that's most important.

[AlwaysGrowing]

heylovey...nice sentiments..but they just aren't true.

 

Each of us, each and everyone of us..has a responsibilty.. not only to others...but to ourselves... to not harm anyone in this life.

 

Things do not just happen. People make choices. There are some very bad people out there ...that use that very same sentiment...that it feels right..so even if it is wrong..it is still right to do. It is giving yourself permission to do something that goes against what we all want to believe about ourselves. That we are good people.

 

And you are either a person who believes that all accidents can be prevented or you are a person who believes sh*t happens. Two totally different mindsets. One..proactive..one a passenger.

 

Personally, I am of the belief that I am in control of my life, I am not a prisoner to anyone or anything...including my emotions.

[Daisy2013]

Thank each of you so much for your words. I want to reply to each but do not know if you ever come back to read more. This is the only pace to air out as I've lost my friends over this A. Church was my life and I put my 2 best friends in a bad place by them knowing my secret and they spent a lot of time trying to talk sense into me etc before giving up. I don't think I can mend these Rs other than they are acquaintances now.

 

So, I will say I will pull myself out of this pity party (which I've earned by doing this) and move on. To the one who said to focus on how this is making me feel and the good moments aren't with it....I will keep that in mind these coming days. For now, though, I wish the sun wouldn't come up for me and I could sleep forever.

 

I "boxed" my memories, I'm very good at compartmentalizing and not feeling emotions, and they will never come through again. I let him through my barrier. I didn't have momentos to toss as we didn't give gifts. So, phone blocked, check. Will have a smile on my face Sunday and never let him see me sweat. And I won't go back. Thanks again. You really helped me tonight more than you know. More than you know....

[blue963]

Compartmentalizing is no good. It will fester and cause you to be ill. Let it out and work thru this any what that works.

[Cinnimon]

Daisy, hang in there. Stay with us for a while, you don't have to keep it in. Most of us have been there, felt the pain. Your going to be okay, it just takes a bit to get there.

[Gracie_1]

Using God as an excuse to not leave his wife would only have real value if he would have said two years ago that " I cannot have an affair or cheat on my wife because of my strong religious convictions". To have an affair and then use God as a reason to not leave the marriage is hypocritical at best.

 

We all make mistakes, each and everyone of us. Your mistake was falling in love with someone who does not and cannot love you the way you want him to. Whatever reasons he has for staying in his marriage are his, not yours. But you are not what you called yourself! Loving the wrong person does not fit that definition.

 

You love him and your heart is breaking. I doubt there is anyone responding to your posts that does not know the hurt and devastation you are feeling.

It does get better, I promise. Find a new church... stop all contact. That is the only way to move on and be free. Each day gets easier. He has chosen his domain and it is his to be unhappy in. Yours is wide open and waiting for you to claim it and fill it with happiness.

[Popsicle]

First off, you are not a whore. You are someone who never thought something like this could happen to/with you. Well, it did and now you know that things like this exist in the world and they are real and you are not outside of it. Learn from this. Learn to stay away from MM in order to not be tempted by them. Focus on men who are free to love you and be with you in the way you need and deserve. I also suggest finding a new church. There will be people there who welcome you and befriend you, as well. The main reason I suggest you leaving the church is because he will not leave the church and seeing him does not help with healing and moving on.

[Ruffian1]

I deserve this pain, I'm a whore, obviously

 

You a just a woman that made a mistake. (God understands) Perhaps you were vulnerable at the time. Whenever you think that way "I'm a whore" please stop and push it out of your mind and replace it with a resolve to get healthy again. It's hard but you must believe you can do it.

 

Think: What do want for your life now? You can build an awesome life, and it doesn't have to include a man. That can come later. You are only 46. That is young. Do not ponder on this MM anymore. Formulate a plan to make a good life for your self.

 

Introspection

Activities to make new friends (men and woman)

Work on bettering yourself, set goals, lose weight, get fit, etc.

Healthy mind and body. Exercise releases endorphins, the natural antidepressant.

This will hurt for a long time and you will feel lonely, but it will fade.

Try not to dwell on what happened. It happened, you are taking those initial steps to move onto a more healthy life (NC), keep stepping

 

You will have set-backs, that's ok. It will pass. Just remember, NC with him.

 

Good luck.

[Daisy2013]

Thank each of you again. I let a little grief out this morning. I'm really focusing on what you have to say. I may have to change churches to heal. He asked if I would still smile at him in choir and talk to him. He said he wants to talk to me in front of people without feeling like he has something to hide. He wants me to be able to call him on his house phone if my car breaks down, and be my friend. He was crying when he said he was making a choice he didn't want. His kids are young adults who don't have a R with God, and he has live so they can see God. And a D is against God, so he will suck it up. He became a believer in his 30s. He has said all of this before, but always comes back to a R with me. Just weird.

 

Thanks again.

[yellowmaverick]

Thank each of you again. I let a little grief out this morning. I'm really focusing on what you have to say. I may have to change churches to heal. He asked if I would still smile at him in choir and talk to him. He said he wants to talk to me in front of people without feeling like he has something to hide. He wants me to be able to call him on his house phone if my car breaks down, and be my friend. He was crying when he said he was making a choice he didn't want. His kids are young adults who don't have a R with God, and he has live so they can see God. And a D is against God, so he will suck it up. He became a believer in his 30s. He has said all of this before, but always comes back to a R with me. Just weird.

 

Thanks again.

 

Sorry, but all of this talk about your MM and God is creepy. He talks about divorce being against God but he has a mistress? He is seriously delusional.

[xxoo]

Thank each of you again. I let a little grief out this morning. I'm really focusing on what you have to say. I may have to change churches to heal. He asked if I would still smile at him in choir and talk to him. He said he wants to talk to me in front of people without feeling like he has something to hide. He wants me to be able to call him on his house phone if my car breaks down, and be my friend. He was crying when he said he was making a choice he didn't want. His kids are young adults who don't have a R with God, and he has live so they can see God. And a D is against God, so he will suck it up. He became a believer in his 30s. He has said all of this before, but always comes back to a R with me. Just weird.

 

Thanks again.

 

He wants to pretend he never did wrong. He wants to avoid any consequences, including losing you as a friend. He wants what he wants, and to hell with what is best for you.

 

The God talk is very selective. I think you should speak to a trusted religious adviser, and see what they have to say about the "godliness" of his continuing to contact (use) you.

[Daisy2013]

That's the issue, his struggle with God vs his wants. I'm beginning to think his want was just lust and an emotional connection, something g he doesn't have at home. His W is cold.

 

He is a conflict avoider. He would always say he didn't want to get caught and check his shirt for make up. I would usually take it off before meeting him. His W would sometimes check him out and sniff him when he'd get home. We had ahuge connection and didn't have sex but once in 2 years. I guess his guilt. I even had to ask him at times if it was okay to give him pleasure bc of his guilt. Use imagination. I coyjdnt just freely give.

 

He's a deacon in our church also. I'm guessing he wants to be more like them, honorable men. They are all men in his age range and Godly men and I'm sure he compares himself to them.

[xxoo]

He's a deacon in our church also. I'm guessing he wants to be more like them, honorable men. They are all men in his age range and Godly men and I'm sure he compares himself to them.

 

He wants the image, but he doesn't want to walk the walk.

 

And more importantly, he's using you to make himself feel good, knowing darn well that it's causing you more pain. You deserves so much better. Do you believe that?

[Daisy2013]

He wants the image, but he doesn't want to walk the walk.

 

And more importantly, he's using you to make himself feel good, knowing darn well that it's causing you more pain. You deserves so much better. Do you believe that?

 

Yes, he knows the pain he causes me and has apologized. He said he wants my friendship, but if I have to walk away, he will honor my wish. I am beginning to think he used me. I let him so am not innocent. But, that idea hurts.

[TaraMaiden]

That's the issue, his struggle with God vs his wants. I'm beginning to think his want was just lust and an emotional connection, something g he doesn't have at home. His W is cold.

Their relationship is neither your business nor your responsibility. If his wife is 'cold' that is his problem to deal with, not something he can give to you as justification for his selfish, heinous egocentric behaviour.

 

He asked if I would still smile at him in choir and talk to him. He said he wants to talk to me in front of people without feeling like he has something to hide. He wants me to be able to call him on his house phone if my car breaks down, and be my friend.

 

This is not an option he has any right to ask or demand of you.

How dare he!?

Does he honestly presume to believe that everything can continue in'sweetness and light' and look normal?

This is to save his face and reputation; this is to make him look blameless in public. This is asking you to put on an act and pretend everything is hunky-dory. Well, it's not, and he has no right to think you would be ok with this. This asks too much of you, and is unreasonable to the point of cruelty.

 

He was crying when he said he was making a choice he didn't want.

Bullschytt.

he made the best possible available choice for his own comfort, well-being and personal public appearance.

 

He is a conflict avoider. He would always say he didn't want to get caught and check his shirt for make up.

He's a conflict-avoider, but obviously not enough to prevent him indulging in an amorous affair. he's not a conflict-avoider. he's a cake-eater whose fingers risk getting singed, so he wants to have a safety clause exonerating him....

 

 

He's a deacon in our church also. I'm guessing he wants to be more like them, honorable men. They are all men in his age range and Godly men and I'm sure he compares himself to them.

Oh this is rich.

This is REALLY rich!

So he has some standing, some reputation, some degree of respectability he needs to preserve!

He has no intention of being like any of them (unless they too are taking advantage of warm, loveable congregation-members, and screwing around too). What he wants, is actually to be held by others to be like them. Hence his request that you do not alter your public attitude to him.... He wishes to be perceived as one of them with no suspicion being cast upon his 'Godly' character.

 

You CAN salvage the situation between you and your friends; go to them, ask their forgiveness, assure them you see how right they were and how wrong you have been. And tell them of the request he has made to you: that you keep up a façade and pretence of everything being swimmingly good between you and him, so that he does not have to fend off awkward glances, questions or instances....

 

Tell them you are in their debt, and could do with their support right now. But if they choose to not engage with you any more, you perfectly understand. Just let them know though, that you are deeply sorry for having turned your back on them.....

 

Only the most un-Christian and heartless friend would slam the door on you.....

 

But him?

he's a typical jerk with nothing but his dick leading his brain.

[happy stillmore]

Tara maiden was right on regarding the following:

 

He asked if I would still smile at him in choir and talk to him. He said he wants to talk to me in front of people without feeling like he has something to hide. He wants me to be able to call him on his house phone if my car breaks down, and be my friend.

This is not an option he has any right to ask or demand of you.

How dare he!?

Does he honestly presume to believe that everything can continue in'sweetness and light' and look normal?

This is to save his face and reputation; this is to make him look blameless in public. This is asking you to put on an act and pretend everything is hunky-dory. Well, it's not, and he has no right to think you would be ok with this. This asks too much of you, and is unreasonable to the point of cruelty.

 

Please don't appease his guilt by acting like everything is okay. Don't smile at him like everything is fine. Make him squirm. Let him know he is a jerk. Acting otherwise is only reinforcing the notion that he can continue to act like this. He is a true hypocrite. I do think he has some kind of mental illness. Delusional to think he can achieve high standing in the church with what he does. I would think he would want to lay low.

[Daisy2013]

I am feeling stronger after your support. I am seeing things in a new light. While I am guilty, I am seeing a negative side of manipulation that he did that I coyjd never see. During this whole comversation, he kept repeating " Don't you want what God wants"? and " Don't you want me to honor God"? He kept asking me over and over didn't I want him to home God. You are helping me see this was never about me, or him loving me. I feel sick. I thought our R was different. Don't we all! And he couldn't even wait until after Christmas to do this. He was sick a week and God got ahold of him.

 

You people are amazing, coming out to help. Thank you. Today I will make it through. I will worry about tomorrow later.