Abused to abuser?

[livingnightmare]

Last week has brought back memory's and feelings I forgot, feelings I thought I was long over, it all feels so fresh. Yet we finished 4 yrs ago.

 

Was in the relationship nearly 6 yrs with my first and only love in my life so far, and we had a child together, the ex got pregnant from me and I was saving to get all the things we needed as I was working as a bricklayer. An incident happened and I was jailed for protecting my property, with the attackers collaborating their storeys and getting me locked away I lost my job. The reason this all happened was my ex got in a petty argument of her sisters and got involved in it immaturely and the trouble spread my way.

 

Any way, came out of Jail late in the year with just 2 months left till the birth, I struggled to find work, but could not find none, I still managed to get us a place and in between that time get together all we needed to start our family off in life together, I attended all the anti-natal classes, I was there through thick and thin, I absolutely adored and loved this woman, would never raise my voice at her in the very few arguments we had up till that point.

 

My daughter arrived :-) we never had allot of money, but we never lacked for heat, a roof, food baby stuff. I expected to not get as much attention at this point obviously because our baby was n1 priority, still looking for work every day believing that a job was just around the corner, I am very skilled in my trade, but a job right there wasn't meant to be. Obviously frustrated with no work and all my effort to find a job it didn't effect how I still provided for what we needed. After a few months very rarely having sex or any intimacy in any way, I still perceived, I tried to talk about it and was getting fobbed off that its not important.

 

Cue the rage. All of a sudden if I tried to talk about any issue In the most sensitive way possible without finger pointing, raising a voice, patronising belittling I would meet intense what I can only describe as rage. it went from zero to full throttle in an instant, I was startled by it, it was a very tough time, I was constantly walking on egg shells not knowing when and what she would erupt over. I started to argue back, nothing viscous just general trying to show her she was wrong to do this, and we need to talk without the anger, I then started getting in my face raging as If I was in some ghetto and I was a stranger and an enemy, it was like this person didn't know me at all it was disturbing for me to go through this.

 

After a month or two of the in your face style stuff (it felt like forever) the family insults started coming out, my family who had helped us when needed, my family who supported us emotionally in every way when needed were now been targeted, her family was never there except for the birth.

 

Then came the straw that broke the camels back, every one of these arguments were over the smallest trivial things, and anything that needed talking about was changed to an argument about something totally irrelevant nothing at all to do with what needed discussing, on top of all this was the silent treatment, being kicked out after every argument then called back within a few days but never an apology, the rolling of eyes, the ignoring, muttering under the breath. One day I was told to F**k my dead grandmother and out of rage I now started heatedly arguing back.

 

The arguments were getting worse, I still tried to ignore them, but It was just as bad if I did ignore them, it was relentless. After another 1 of the petty arguments, she was raging at me through the window for not having a job she turned round and shouted out " You're just a ****ing peado" I cant describe how I felt by this point this along with the grandmother attack all building up any many other incidents really got me, I picked up an object and hurled it across the room, not in the direction of her and she was still outside. She is then on the phone to my family saying I'm an abuser and was going to attack her, this act was out of frustration that I can not describe, I had bottled up so much, had no one to talk to at all, I did not know what to do to deal with this situation. My family now took her side and would be having a go at me for being this bad person, I was really stresses by now and started to believe because of all the arguments it was me, after all she never said sorry, was always the one to fly off the handle and i was the one begging for forgiveness.

 

Events like this were now becoming common, I would take days of bombardment and end up flipping, kicking a door as I was being told to get out the house once again over nothing I was now becoming abusive, but could not see it.

 

I found work, started bringing in good money again, but it made no difference, by this time I was now looking over every aspect of our relationship and what was going on, things I had never thought of before started making me doubt her faithfulness when we first met, there was a man she would take driving lessons from when we first started going out that was giving her driving lessons, even her own mother told me it was her uncle, never thought a thing of it. An incident happened involving someone else and this man got into trouble with the law, someone had told us about it and it became clear this man was no relative. ALARM BELLS.

 

It turns out she had cheated on me with him, I was absolutely warn out all ready, physically, emotionally spiritually and this... Devastated wasn't the word, I gave this woman everything I had, had lost all my friends being consumed in the relationship, and was being accused by my own family of being this bad partner. That day April the 1st fools day when I found out was the beginning of a week of lies, different story's, thrown into the mix was how she was raped by 2 others, her father abused her, she had slept with more than she had said she did, people I knew. This was so much to take in after the good times then the torture times. This person I thought I knew, the woman I had a child with I didn't know at all, I was now a shell of my old self, in fact not even a shell.

 

As I was getting more confused from the lies she turned her back on me and kicked me out again going off clubbing not willing to talk about anything as an adult, flying off the handle at me, for needing to know. I hit the bottle hard for 2 days, I ended up breaking both heels and ankles and lost a job ... again.

 

Being bed ridden getting no answers was tough, I turned into this needy person who couldn't live without her, don't know how I got through it but we stayed together, i really wanted to raise my daughter in a family unit, and was to weak mentally to walk away, I should have along time ago by then.

 

I had the flimsiest of apologies for her doing all this, it was so fake, I actually had to ask her why she has not said sorry hundreds of times before she did.

I now would rage in arguments when she would continued her old attacks on me, I would bring up the cheating, the lies, I would smash things, I am so ashamed of it.

 

It ended up with me being dumped while she played me about chatting to other men, asking them for advice on the relationship when they just wanted to sleep with her making me out to be an evil abuser. her friends seen me as abuser, not one person seen what she had don and was doing to me. The day after being dumped just to spite me she rubbed in my face how she ****ed some stranger she pulled on the weekend, rubbed in my face the details and compared me to him. I was even more devastated that someone could inflict so much cruelty on someone, for the first time in my life i slapped a woman and spat on her.

 

I had now become the abuser.

 

The reason I typed this is because after going through this, I realise I should have got out of there earlier, I felt I was a bad person If I left. I also ask myself big questions about my behaviour and hers. i also question alln what my daughter must have seen I feel sick in my stomach over it, she is loved and she loves me dearly, shes doing very well in school and is so happy with life I feel guilt that over that deeply.

 

Was I pushed to the edge or was I an abuser, I'm still confused over it all??

 

I start CBT in January for anxiety and depression, why do I still feel so low after so long? Ive worked on and off when I can get the work, made new friends, but this has suddenly come to my mind like it was yesterday, all the feelings of these incidents have come back really raw.

 

 

Can anyone advice me of what the hell happened to me? I feel guilt for the things I done that I described the breaking of things, (maybe about 5 times out of a thousand arguments) arguing back, slapping and spitting on her at the end. I know I was wronged but why do I feel so much guilt. like I caused everything to happen. I hope someone can shed some light for me I will be very grateful.

 

Was I being abused? I really need answers to find inner peace and move on how I thought I had.

Edited December 19, 2013 by livingnightmare

[robaday]

Mate, Ive been in a similar situation and asked myself that repeatedly as I remembered all the ways she put me down.....but thing Ive realised is whether she did, or didnt abuse me, it was a toxic relationship that did me no good at all. And nor her. And the best thing for both of us was for it to be over. Same goes for you.

 

What doesnt kill us makes us stronger. She cheated, she put you down, and you also didnt behave great....your out of it now, just be thankful for that and that you will both find people you are more compatible with. Do you want her back? No, so focus on a happier future, this is a painful experience but you will be stronger for it

[livingnightmare]

Your right, I look back and know we were toxic, I just got to keep reminding myself.

 

It hit me last night when reading posts on here, why would I have wanted to stay with a cheater who showed no remorse, gave me no support, lied, kicked me to the curb to go clubbing, the constant belittling, the rages, could not communicate, always brought issues and problems into my life, hampering all my efforts and dreams.

 

I just got to keep remembering the this over and over, its hard to do so. I get even angrier when I have a glimpsing thought of what I classed as the good times, the times that I must have fooled myself into believing they were real, they cant have been she cheated.

[imtooconfused]

livingnightmare, firstly I want to thank you for coming forward with your story. Many times, as men, we think that others will look down on us if we are not 'man enough' to handle these situations on our own. But please be certain that what you experienced is definitely abuse. If you turn the tables around, as in a man verbally assaulting a woman, well these conditions have been chronicled in countless self-help books, web sites and posts on this very site. There should be no stigma to the fact that similar abuse by a woman against a man is no less damaging and dangerous.

 

With respect to you becoming aggressive and physical... I am not sure of the proper term, but I believe what you experienced is a form of transference, whereby, the abuser projects their own negative qualities onto the abused, in your case swearing and hitting. It can even lead to the situation that you describe where the abuser sets up the abused to fall into the trap of exhibiting the negative behaviors. This is very common and you were clearly set-up to fail in this way. I really don't think it's in your character to do those things naturally. In my situation, I am one of the most even tempered people I know and the only times I have been known to raise my voice is in response to a raised voice directed at me, and if it's from the abuser, I am immediately accused of being threatening. I have fallen into the same trap.

 

Furthermore, the abusers are equally good at painting a negative picture of the abused to others, while at the same time making themselves out to be a saint. This is all the more unfortunate in the woman-on-man abuse as it's more likely that others would believe that you are abusing your partner rather than the other way around. As you know, she has burned many bridges for you and there is nothing you could have done to save face in front of her friends.

 

I'm sorry that you're still dealing with these issues so many years later. Unfortunately, your therapy does not seem to be helping you deal with your past abuse and therefore you may want to consider changing your therapy. Most importantly, you need to gain the confidence that you are not abusive by nature, that you were drawn into being physical by an angry, manipulative woman and that just because you engage in a heated conversation, you won't naturally become physical.

[livingnightmare]

Hi imtooconfused, thanks for posting, Its dawning on me more and more each day what I went through, I cant believe I put up with so much. I think being my first relationship and having a child in it kept me holding on harder and the hope of change. I wish their was more support out there for this type of abuse. No one believes how all this has effected me because of the image she showed everyone, she was so sweet and caring to the out side world.

 

I read something about that transference, I do feel like something like that happend, I have never done anything like that before. It was a horrid time.

 

I haven't had any therapy at all I turned to alcohol and cannabis miss use which I have stopped, I think this maybe has damaged my recovery, I absolutely drank like there was no tomorrow for a year and a half at least after the BU. I start CBT at the end of January, I'm really looking forward to it, even though its just for depression, I hope it can help me control my feelings better and get to a stable place in my mind.

 

Im honestly not like that, I have learned all my life that violence should only be used in self defence, this is the first person ever to bring this out of me and I am ashamed of it and often feel guilt . I can not explain though how I was pushed to my absolute limits I feel like I was tortured psychologically. I am ashamed to say the night she told me about the stranger I felt feelings I never want to feel again on top of the hurt, only God knows how I managed to keep enough control to stop my inner most rage at that moment, I am not like that in any way , any suffering of people hurts me no matter where and who they are, that feeling also destroys me that I could for a moment feel that way, it goes against all I believe in. I really feel like I was pushed beyond my limits, but somehow through the fog kept some control though it wasn't real control.

 

So many things go through my head

[ThatMan]

What a painful ordeal...

I'm terribly sorry you've gone through this. Terribly sorry.

 

It's commendable that you've chosen to speak about this. I have a really good feeling that you'll gain all the tools you need from CBT to move forward. Many turn towards alcohol to cope How many guys do you see in any given bar doing the same? Behaving this way won't solve anything. This kind of coping will only make life worse for you. So please continue trying to end your unhealthy coping.

 

Violence always escalates. It does not matter if you believe violence is for self-defense only. The moment that you throw something, kick doors, or flip everything upside, the violence will process into something more. Meanwhile your wife also knows how to push your buttons. I don't know how you kept your composure, but I think you recognize how much rage would have continued building. There comes a point where you must walk away, and that's something you need to learn.

 

Either way, I'm proud of you for doing the right thing by entering therapy. I'm sure you can move forward from here despite what has happened. Best of luck.

Edited December 30, 2013 by ThatMan

[imtooconfused]

I'm sorry that I was confused (lol) about the start of your CBT. But I think that you have talked things out here to whatever extent, you will be in a better position to identify your issues with your therapist. In particular, you may want to think about what triggered these bad memories most recently. There is something in what happened recently that you should talk about with your therapist.

 

... she was so sweet and caring to the out side world.

 

Just so you know, this is a classic characteristic of emotional abusers. Knowing what I know now, this would be an immediate red flag for me (someone who is only mean towards the SO and especially nice to everyone else).

[pteromom]

I don't think it is necessary to label yourself or your ex in order to process this and move on.

 

You know that what she did and how she treated you was not ok and not normal.

 

You know that your reaction and your actions (breaking things, slapping her) are NOT in line with your own values and are not who you want to be as a man.

 

So you move on. You live your life according to your values and realize that you have control over what you do, and you choose not to give someone else the power to make you lose control.

 

And when you look for your next relationship, you look for signs early on that the person is someone who wants a harmonious growing relationship where you both support, accept, and respect each other. If you see that she is more interested in winning or getting her way, then just end the relationship.

 

As far as your daughter, I don't know how old she is, but I would talk to your therapist about her going to therapy as well. Whether what she has seen has affected her or not, I don't know. But you know she will be living with a mom who is likely narcissistic, and definitely unbalanced, and life is not going to be easy for her. The earlier she can learn to define herself and deal with difficult people, the better life will be for her.

[pteromom]

Just so you know, this is a classic characteristic of emotional abusers. Knowing what I know now, this would be an immediate red flag for me (someone who is only mean towards the SO and especially nice to everyone else).

 

It can be a red flag for abusers, but can also indicate immaturity. The same way a child can be a perfect student, but a terror to his parents, because he knows home is a safe place to vent and let aggression out.

 

Either way, it's definitely an indicator of someone who isn't capable of a mature relationship.

[livingnightmare]

Thank you ThatMan, I am feeling positive towards the CBT. Coming here as enlightened me to allot of stuff I don't think I would have ever seen, I dread to think If I never came here when I first typed in 2009 where I would have ended up.

 

In the back of my mind through the drinking the replys on here at the beginning were don't drink, if those replys were not planted in my sub concious I believe I would be dead, as good as on the way out or in jail. Seeing these people in the bars and those I drank with also made me think in the back of my mind do I want to be like them, do I want to feel like this endlessly, will I one day crack up and do something stupid to my self or someone else, what about my daughter? I just needed to be around people, anything to take my mind away from all this and it took me to places I cant believe I went. THAT IS OVER.

 

Yes, that goes through my head, all the times I should have walked or before that set up stronger boundaries, I know what to do if faced again with something similar, I will walk along time before that anger is allowed to boil over and turn into some form of aggression, saying that though it was a lie from the start, she wasn't whom she led me to believe. Allot of harsh lessons learnt its a bitter pill for me to swallow, because of these lies even the happy times at the beginning are not happy times because I don't know if it was real or not. There are many things that take my emotions through twists and turns because of this beginning, its hard to deal with, their is so much I don't know or will ever know.

 

Than you for your support and your belief that I can move forward, these positive words are what I need, Ive been around way to much negativity. I believe I will get through this too, I have a funny feeling in the long run this whole lesson may all turn out to be something that brings vast improvements to my life.

[livingnightmare]

I feel I will be able to make good use of the CBT from what I have learnt here, and I can not explain how much I have learned here and how much this place and the people here, their situations and advice have helped me, I would be in the dark about so much if I didnt have the support here and alot further behind on healing.

 

I think I have pin pointed the triggers, but cannot remember what came first. My exs sister had a friend who became a friend of ours when I got with the ex, that friendship drifted apart between them, but we became friends from that day, my ex seen this friend after all these years on her sisters FB so she added him, he accepted, he knows we split up but does not know the circumstances, when he found out we were over at the time like everyone else he couldn't believe we were over. Seeing her on his FB triggered off thoughts of what has she been saying? How can you add my friends knowing how you betrayed me in every way possible? how you never gave our young daughter a chance in a loving family? It made me feel like she has absolutely no remorse and continues to be sweet and caring to the outside world with not a care in the world for what she done.

 

The second thing was I was watching music videos with my daughter, Katey Perry came on in roar and I said "shes gorgeous, I would marry her" ( I wouldn't really ) I just thought she looked nice in the vid don't no why I said it like that, I meant it in a funny way. My daughter got really upset and said Im not allowed a girlfriend, wife, etc and she wants mommy and daddy back together. I was really upset that I had upset her I had no intention to and will be more careful next time, this triggered a wave of thoughts I hadn't felt in along time. My daughter already within 6 months of the break up said to me mommys friend comes over for sleep overs, I dont like this message she is teaching her. Thats at least 3 within 6 months of leaving me.

 

I can not remember which came first, but they are both connected to it.

 

Yeah that anoys me so much, I brought it up with my parents the other day as straight after the break up they still treated her like she hadnt done a thing in the world wrong because of this appearance to this day, I did feel betrayed by this and it hurts, it makes me realize not 1 person has said why did you do all this and validate her decisions by never saying anything. My ex really believes I abused her and acts as such, and that I made her do all this ... Its hard to take, sickens me. In her mind she has not done one thing wrong, I dont know how people can be like this, she has to have deep issues surely.

 

Ive learnt so much about red flags I could write an essay on my Exs ones lol

[livingnightmare]

You are so right pteromom I need to focus more on the future not the past though I wont forget it.

 

Yes I felt so unnatural in the relationship, it was all a struggle, never being able to aim ahead and concentrate on the future always being drawn into conflict no matter what I tried, before we get over one problem another emerged, I do not want to be like that or in that position again. Im taking and having my power back. :-)

 

Big lessons learnt, from now on its about me and my daughter, one thing we both gave her after the breakup was plenty of love, I dont think what she has seen has damaged her, She adores me in every way and knows how much I love her :-) This is another motivation for me to become stronger, I have a feeling that their will be more trouble brewing as my daughter grows up and I need to get myself into the strongest position mentally, physically, security wise for her, this alone will drive me to strength as know one else can take that role, I need to be a role model to my daughter.

 

She definitely can not be in a mature relationship. I have never come across a person so difficult and I have come across many difficult people.

[livingnightmare]

Strange thoughts and reasoning have come across myself the last few days.

 

I am realizing how much I had to restrain back then, pushed over the edge and rocks hurled down on me it was an absolutely horrendous position to be in mentally, yes I did kick things at times, but she was pushing for it, it was wrong of me to do so, but it was not abusive on my part, I had no intention of hurting her, I just wanted her to stop hurting me day in day out, making it effect every aspect of my life constantly dealing with issues over nothing. I was having my feelings dragged around for fun constantly. I am actually quite proud of myself that I didn't react worse to her torture, but disappointed in my self for not walking, I guess it was down to my self esteem, that is something I am now working on.

 

I'm not accepting I was abusive any more. If anything I was very patient.

 

If I see this again with someone in the future I'm straight out the door... or they are.

[imtooconfused]

livingnightmare, you are strong to have posted an update. It's a bit unfortunate that there are not that many others participating in this thread. But for (what I believe to be) the majority of users of this site, they cannot get past the fact that you hit a woman. For them, they have absolutely no sympathy for you and your situation. And while the treatment you faced can no way excuse what happened, in my mind it goes a long way to explaining what you went through. Until you yourself have been so broken down by abuse that you punch a wall or break something, can you know how deep the level of frustration can be.

 

I don't find your thoughts and reasoning strange at all. I think you are growing to accept what happened in a mature and reasonable way, rather than accepting the artificial reality that your partner made it out to be. The fact that you are beginning to see through her false reality is a very positive step.

[livingnightmare]

livingnightmare, you are strong to have posted an update. It's a bit unfortunate that there are not that many others participating in this thread. But for (what I believe to be) the majority of users of this site, they cannot get past the fact that you hit a woman. For them, they have absolutely no sympathy for you and your situation. And while the treatment you faced can no way excuse what happened, in my mind it goes a long way to explaining what you went through. Until you yourself have been so broken down by abuse that you punch a wall or break something, can you know how deep the level of frustration can be.

 

I don't find your thoughts and reasoning strange at all. I think you are growing to accept what happened in a mature and reasonable way, rather than accepting the artificial reality that your partner made it out to be. The fact that you are beginning to see through her false reality is a very positive step.

 

Hi ITC, I recognise my main fault was not having any clear boundaries and to stay in this toxic relationship, but it really wasn't that simple for me at the time as I couldn't see it as abuse though was feeling the effects of it steadily.

 

When I looked back I see I was mirroring everything she done, even down to the breaking things, that got triggered by multiple things, the first occasion breaking something was a glass thrown at my head close range that I luckily just dodged but I didnt react straight away it was a while later in another arguement where i was called a peodo over something trivial. I am not excusing myself all I can say is I was being abused and acted got to much for me mentally.

 

I'm sure if I was doing all this to her and she done what I done to her to me, people wouldn't judge so quick, all I can say is I felt trapped, at times I wanted to leave. In arguments I was told she would make another man raise my daughter over and over, this is a big fear of mine she new what family meant to me and used it well, she was emotionally blackmailing me continuously with things like that.

 

I was scared to leave for multiple reasons and hanging onto hope. I had my right frame of mind continually knocked out of me and went into depression she had been twisting a knife in my head and heart for to long and when she told me she slept with some stranger from a club to hurt me she did hurt me on top of major depression from the cheating incident.

 

I was wrong to slap her and spit on her and for what its worth I couldn't follow through with a hard slap, even though I wanted to do a lot worse, that was the hardest time in my life not to act out what I felt. She pushed me by the face a few days earlier and I still never retaliated then, I had lost my mind that night and had taken to many mental beatings to cope with the way she ended it.

 

I did not plan any of this I was pushed well beyond my limits and had no where to turn at the time, it was a very bad time and place for me and I am full of regrets for my conduct as it has given her fuel to bad mouth me to everyone and deleting everything she done to me out of the equation.

 

I hope this does not sound like an excuse, I just want to try and build a picture of what I was dealing with, to be honest I dont know how to write it all out to make sense, there were way to many incidents that got at me and still do, but I'm trying harder and harder to move on these days, I'm more focussed on what I need to do.

 

Thank you for understanding without judging me, that means a lot, as I have met a people who think I deserve all this treatment because I slapped and spat on her after the damage had been inflicted deeply into my life. I once never had a care in the world, never unhappy, depressed any mental health conditions non argumentative, non violent (still not apart from the mentioned), I am now a completely different person, this relationship took a deep toll both physically and mentally.

 

That's all I can do now is deal with this situation as clinically as possible and I intend to do so, I will not let this beat me, and will make this a lesson in life for the better in every way, I will overcome this one day somehow. I just got to keep chipping away at it till I'm there.

[chados]

so much text and hard to remember everything. but you are saying that you went to jail. and you can honestly say you acted maybe not in the legal way but at least only to protect your property?

 

you only slapped her and spit on her once?

 

you didnt have any problems with her family what so ever?

 

no criminal background?

 

you did everything to get a job?

 

 

im asking this because there are thousands of stories ouf there. and people even when anonymous choose to lie to protect themselves. if you cant be honest with yourself. nobody can help you.

 

 

if youre telling the truth which i want to believe i would tell you this. this woman is just as responsible to help her kids out as you. this is abuse and even if spitting and slapping her is really foolish i have to say i dont feel sorry for her. but dont do it. dont sink to her level.

 

 

be a man. show your daughter that whatever her mom is telling you. youre not gonna do the same.

 

 

if you know you havent done anything wrong. then dont let her family or anyone tell you different. dont show weakness. weakness is a sign of guilt. what i mean by that is, dont let them push you down and tell you something that isnt true. you know whats true and not true. my girlfriend got accused of something by an old friend of mine. i called him up and i told him to stop. he did not expect that. you have to stand up for yourself and your daughter. the more you let her get into your head, the worse its gonna be. remember that its just words. she probably dont mean it.

 

 

if she screams at you. tell her to calm down because of your daughter. if she doesnt. you leave. dont stand there and let her abuse you.