Ending a 20yr marriage w/3 kids? How?

[sc17]

Not sure how to begin this but I’ve recently been having feelings of not being in love with my wife anymore. We’ve been married for 19 yrs and were married really young. We have three beautiful children and overall our marriage isn’t horrible.

Over the years we’ve gone to counseling and it seemed to help for a while but the cheating continued.

 

My wife has cheated on me numerous times and for different reasons I kept taking her back. Ultimately I understand that this was my own choice and I own it. But now I’m feeling like I missed my chance to break myself from this cycle of pain.

 

The last time she cheated on me was about 3 yrs ago with my lifelong childhood friend. We separated and I was living on my own, ready to divorce her. She wanted to reconcile but I did not. Obviously because of our children I knew we would be a part of each other’s lives but I was confident and ready to end it. A few months after we separated she had an accident and broke her leg in several places.

 

I took it upon myself to move back in and help care for her and our kids, she was in a wheel chair and couldn’t do much of anything for her or our youngest (1yr old at the time). A few years later now, I realize that maybe it was a mistake. Over the time since she broke her leg she has done great things to become a more mentally healthy person. She has stopped drinking, she’s an alcoholic, and become religious. Her drinking was bad, which I didn’t think it was at the time. She suffers from depression and is managing it much better these days than she ever has in the past.

 

All in all, I believe she’s made great strides and is leading a more productive life. The problem? The problem is that I’m not in love with this person anymore. I think my love for her died the last time she cheated on me with my best friend and it’s only now that I can see clearly. I think I may have been trying to make myself love her for all the progress she has made. But the truth in my heart is that I’m still deeply hurt and still not over the pain she’s caused me. I think about her infidelity every single day. I have forgiven her but I haven’t forgotten. I’m also afraid of what would happen to her should I reveal how I am feeling.

 

I’m a mess, I put on a good face and we live our lives but I think I’m living a lie. Our situation is cordial. Sex life is ok, we are very involved and loving as parents, we share affection for one another but I just don’t believe my heart is in our marriage. I’m just indifferent about it.

 

I’ve tried to put some history here without being WAY TOO LONG WINDED, and I’m not looking for anyone to be judgmental so save those posts for someone else. I’m looking for comments from anyone who has been in this situation, and how they were able to get to a point where they were able to end it constructively. I’m sure there are some similar experiences out there. My biggest problem is that I'm too concerned about what will happen to her should I leave.

[chris21422]

Man have some self respect for yourself.. She cheated on you so many times already.

 

"Do it once shame on you do it twice shame on me"

 

It will be hard for you and the children but you need to be honest to yourself.

 

You don't wanna live like that for the rest of your life aren't you?

[strive]

If it's something that you feel you can never forgive her, you have to tell her. I think it's better to end it now than years later when your resentment takes an even bigger hold of your relationship and turn it into an even uglier mess.

 

For a lot of people, cheating is an absolute deal breaker, so I can't imagine how you were able to take it for this long. And with a lifelong childhood friend to boot!

 

I think you should be more concerned on how to break this gently to your children than being worried what will happen to your wife. They should still feel loved and whatever decision you make, it should always be in the best interest of your children.

 

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

[stillafool]

How old are your kids?

[sc17]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm less concerned about breaking it to my kids because I believe they will understand, to a degree. I have a great relationship with my sons, all of them. Well the two older boys will understand (11 and 13). My youngest is almost four. I know he won't understand. My love for my children is not a question and I will never be absent from their lives.

 

I don't believe I have self respect issues, and I'm moving toward ending it. I just hope to have the courage to do so, even with the risk of my wife possibly self destructing. I was hoping to get some input and examples of how others have moved toward that as I am.

[chris21422]

I just re-read your thread. make sense! I remembered when I was young like 5yrs old my parents had divorce and they are asking me where I wanted to go with mom or my dad. lol I still remember that till up to this day..

 

It will be very hard especially for the kids. It's a long process but have a sincere talk with your wife first that's the first step and tell her to make the kids the priority..

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm less concerned about breaking it to my kids because I believe they will understand, to a degree. I have a great relationship with my sons, all of them. Well the two older boys will understand (11 and 13). My youngest is almost four. I know he won't understand. My love for my children is not a question and I will never be absent from their lives.

 

I don't believe I have self respect issues, and I'm moving toward ending it. I just hope to have the courage to do so, even with the risk of my wife possibly self destructing. I was hoping to get some input and examples of how others have moved toward that as I am.

[devastated777]

I'm sorry you are going through all this. you sound like a great person who has run out of cheeks. I've been there and yet you still feel guilty. I'ts probably high time she lies in her bed now.

 

Btw, you don't happen to live in North Carolina, do you?

[Midwest Wtiter]

I was married for 22 years, had two kids. Probably should have never gotten married to begin with. The kids were teens when we divorced. Like you, the marriage wasn't horrible. We were just two totally different people.

 

It's been 5 years and no regrets. I'm on good terms with the ex. It was tough at first but it was the right call. Our kids were stable when we divorced. I think that helped.

[sc17]

I'm sorry you are going through all this. you sound like a great person who has run out of cheeks. I've been there and yet you still feel guilty. I'ts probably high time she lies in her bed now.

 

Btw, you don't happen to live in North Carolina, do you?

 

This made me laugh thank you. I live in California, but I hear NC is very beautiful, does that count?

[sc17]

I was married for 22 years, had two kids. Probably should have never gotten married to begin with. The kids were teens when we divorced. Like you, the marriage wasn't horrible. We were just two totally different people.

 

Glad to hear it worked out for you, I think I just need to muster up some courage to do it. Possibly ease into it, not just drop the bomb.

[sc17]

I appreciate your honesty in describing the struggle you are experiencing. I also appreciate the fact that you went home and took care of your wife and your kids after her accident - that was a loving and noble thing to do. I want to caution you, however, in how you view why you did what you did:

 

"I think my love for her died the last time she cheated on me with my best friend and it’s only now that I can see clearly. I think I may have been trying to make myself love her for all the progress she has made. But the truth in my heart is that I’m still deeply hurt and still not over the pain she’s caused me. I think about her infidelity every single day. I have forgiven her but I haven’t forgotten. I’m also afraid of what would happen to her should I reveal how I am feeling."

 

You expressed love to your wife and to your children that’s why you did it. Love is not a feeling it is a commitment. It’s very clear that you need healing within your heart over your wife’s infidelity. There is help available - the feelings can return - your marriage can be better than you ever thought possible. It will require work and effort. Do you think you will suddenly feel better and find healing if you divorce her? No, there is work that is going to have to be done no matter which way you go.

 

I work for a Marriage & Family Ministry and can provide some specific guidance if you want it. You will have to send me a private message and ask for it. I will, however, give you the title of a book I have used for couples in your exact situation: Torn Asunder: Recovering From An Extramarital Affair which you should be able to find in any local bookstore. This is a step-by-step process to help find the healing you and your wife need.

 

Hope this helps. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings!

 

Thank you for the kind offer, it is greatly appreciated. I'm not delusional to think my pain will magically disappear if I divorce my wife. I know it will still be something I'll need to work on even then and the process will bring more pain. But I'm at a point where I think I'd rather go through that then put forth any more work or effort than I already have. It's because of my indifference that I feel deterred. It's as though i'm protecting myself from next "mistake" she will make, and again although she has made great progress to stabilize herself, I feel different about her now than in the past. In a not so I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU kind of way.