The_Face Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Having some minor annoyances with my son's mother today. All because I made the mistake of asking to take my son out for a few hours. On Monday I spoke to my son's mother and convinced her to let me come over on Wednesday, after I get off work, so I can take my son out to the mall for pictures with Santa for an hour or two. She agreed, after a lot of back and forth action, she granted me the privilege of seeing my son for a few extra hours. As soon as I got the green light from her, I immediately told my brother and sister and invited them to come with my son and I to the mall. They agreed, very excited about it. Great. Plans have been etched in stone. I informed my son's mother of said plans, and to the best of my ability, gave a loose time frame of how things would occur. I thought to myself, great, this situation could be a real win-win-win scenario for all of us. I get to take my son out for cheesy Santa pictures, my brother and sister get to spend some much needed time with their nephew, and my son's mother even gets a little bit of time to herself. Bonus. Day after I get the okay from my son's mother to take him to the mall, she tells me she has conveniently scheduled a doctor's check-up for the same time I was meeting up with my brother and sister. The doctors visit is expected to be a good hour, at least, maybe a little less but likely at least an hour, including waiting time and not including driving time between my son's house and the doctor's clinic. Basically, my plans to take my son out with my brother and sister had to be cancelled, as both of them had a very small window of time to meet up with me and my son, and with the added time spent taking the boy to the doctor, it was impossible for us all to meet up. Okay... whatever. I brushed it off, and agreed to take my son to his appointment, under the impression I would be taking him solo while she stayed home. I figured I would find a time on Friday, while I'm already at my son's place, to potentially still meet up with my siblings and all of us go the mall as planned. Not a huge deal, I suppose, but still kind of a drag. Anyway, today rolls around, and I'm getting completely crapped on at work. It's a heavier day than usual, which I anticipated the day my son's mother informed me of the just planned doctor's visit, and I told her she should probably reschedule the appointment for a bit later in the day. I knew this particular Wednesday ran the high risk of being longer than normal, and I didn't want to agree to take my son to his appointment but risk us being late, or having to cancel. My son's mother refuses to reschedule, stating that if she did that she would not be able to come with my brother and sister and our son to the mall. (That's another thing, she was real back and forth whether she was coming along or not, which was confusing). So, once again, I shrug things off. I told her that's fine then, don't reschedule, I will just hope and pray I get out in enough time to make the drive all the way to her place, pick up our son, and take him to his appointment. And then, the three of us can still go get the pictures with Santa. (This was before I got the news that the renovated plans would not work out for my brother and sister, mind you) I had to text my son's mother while at work today, informing her of what I already kind of feared. There was NO way possible, that I could make it from work to her place (a good hour and half drive away) pick up our son, and then drive another 30 minutes to the appointment. What I feared came true, the appointment time my son's mother picked was way too early to work out. I got the number to the clinic and had to reschedule it for two days from today, which I immediately informed my son's mother of. And at this short of notice, my brother and sister have already made new plans, so there's no way to go back to the original plan of us all meeting up. So, my original plans to take my son out for pictures was derailed by the doctor's appointment, and now the appointment is being pushed back by two days. I tell her it's now on Friday, my day off from work, in which I will already be at her place doing my weekly visitation with my son. My son's mother says "Okay, sounds good". An hour or so after that exchange, I drive home from work, exhausted and disappointed. I've been home long enough to take a shower and get some much needed food in me, and I get a phone call from my son's mother, PISSED. Apparently the main motive for my visit today was purely to free her up for a few hours, and since that isn't happening, she's furious. I don't get it. She makes appointments without my prior knowledge, informs me she doesn't want to push the time back at all when I tell her it's a risky timeframe, and gets mad at me when things don't pan out. All because she now has no time for herself. I tried to remind her, this plan all started because she agreed to let me take our son our for a bit with my siblings. Now she is acting all entitled to this free time and the whole show is about her. For ****s sake. I don't know how to deal with my son's mother sometimes. No matter what I do, it doesn't seem to be good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Elliotte Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 This is a total cluster-eff with too much back and forth between the two of you. What is your custody agreement? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 This is a total cluster-eff with too much back and forth between the two of you. What is your custody agreement? My post was a cluster-eff, I had just gotten off the phone and was upset. To answer your question, we have no legal custody agreement. I see my son every weekend for two days. He's almost a year old, at which point he will be staing at my house on weekends as opposed to me staying over at his moms. She didn't want him staying away for two days with me while breastfeeding, but in two months, once he's turned one, he will be less reliant on her breast milk. And I won't have to spend my time with him under her roof. The lawyer I consulted with warned me that if I went to court after he was first born, the courts would only grant me the default 'every other weekend', so I've been playing ball with only as a means to see him more than just every other week. Link to post Share on other sites
Elliotte Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I tried the amicable visitation schedule, it eventually lead to conflict and a custody battle. Co parenting is hard enough when the parents are married, when they're split it starts getting insane, surely this is not the first scheduling issue and won't be the last. I'd suggest getting ahead of any future conflict and asking your ex to mediate out a legally binding visitation schedule. It is best for both of you to have that security. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rach63 Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 This isn't going away as long as you "play ball." i deal with this on a regular basis with my step's psycho bio mom. If there is no agreement, and maybe even after you have one, she is going to use him to try to monkey wrench your time together. The fun activity you planned got **** on with a last minute dr. appointment because she's the primary parent and wanted you to deal with the not-so-fun aspect of it, whether or not it was necessary at the time. And what's more, she wasn't planning on allowing you to have fun with your kid if she wasn't there, god forbid. Meanwhile you're the ******* for not giving her free time, please. It's going to get worse, can you imagine when you start seeingg someone else? Like i said, i deal with a real piece of work who has devoted her life to manipulating her son against me and broken-record reciting her victim lies about her awful ex-husband to anyone who will listen. Pray she finds someone before you do if you want even just a few moments of peace in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted December 22, 2013 Author Share Posted December 22, 2013 Thanks, rach63. I'm just scared to rock the boat now, after going this long without a parenting plan. In some ways it's worked out better for me, at least in the fact I get to see my son every weekend, and not just every other. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but I wouldn't be surprised if we had to go the legal route someday. I have been hoping we don't ever have to, though. I like the fact that our son could potentially grow up and be able to see his mother and father interact in a healthy way, but who knows what will happen in the future. I appreciate everyone's responses. And thank you for your patience in reading my long, jumbled mess of a post and being able to make some sort of sense of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Elliotte Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 Thanks, rach63. I'm just scared to rock the boat now, after going this long without a parenting plan. In some ways it's worked out better for me, at least in the fact I get to see my son every weekend, and not just every other. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but I wouldn't be surprised if we had to go the legal route someday. I have been hoping we don't ever have to, though. I like the fact that our son could potentially grow up and be able to see his mother and father interact in a healthy way, but who knows what will happen in the future. I appreciate everyone's responses. And thank you for your patience in reading my long, jumbled mess of a post and being able to make some sort of sense of it. I've been right where you are and I'd bet my life on you eventually having to get a lawyer to hash this out when she get an extra pissy and denies you your son during one of those times you two agreed on. Rocking the boat in order to make sure your son has proper time with his dad is what is best for him and you. A little hardship in the short term will be what's best in the long term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rach63 Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 It is going to suck having to pay someone to work it out like that but at some point it may be necessary. You could try writing an agreement and having her sign it? Or ask her to make a schedule, even just month by month. Any documentation you have will help you out in court, but there's no reason why you two should have to waste time and money on that. Hope you're able to come to an agreement! Link to post Share on other sites
Elliotte Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 Best case scenario, you nicely propose to her that you two go to mediation. Despite my child custody battle, the final parenting plan and the major changes since have primarily been resolved through mediation. A mediator does not take sides, but rather goes back and forth between both of you individually, hashing out what each of you can agree to. You have to budge a bit, but it's better than a long drawn out situation with lawyers and a judge making the decisions for the both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elementals Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I can answer the question about "what happens if you get a girlfriend". I am the girlfriend.. actually the fiance of a man in your situation who did not take care of the custody issue when it was something that could have been easily managed. you think you are getting jerked around now? Just wait. It will get worse as your ex settles comfortably into running the show and your life through your child. It will be extremely upsetting to all of you, you will be frustrated and your significant other will watch you and get upset as she bears the brunt of trying to support you, you not being your best for her and the incessant conflict generated by the ex. Get thee to a lawyer and sort it out legally so you know what your child support is and you know when visitation is. Once the orders are in place, THEN you and your ex can agree to more time. But I personally think you need to get your situation legally sorted NOW or you will certainly be jerked around down the line even more than what you are being jerked around already. And you are being jerked around. Sorry Link to post Share on other sites
rach63 Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 you think you are getting jerked around now? Just wait. It will get worse as your ex settles comfortably into running the show and your life through your child. ^This is my life x1000! Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 Elliotte gave solid advisal. The concept of written agreements doesn't take a lawyer per se. Get a paralegal, or a court appointed mediator. The child is only one, so you are still fresh in what it takes to truly parenting properly. Its not about about pleasing the one parent, its about the child. I caution you clearly here....you can be team players or you can work against one another....but the one who gets the backlash or rewards is the child. Place the child first in any decision, not the custodial parent. Without a written agreement she can easily move across country and there isn't a thing you can do about it...and yes it has happened to folks.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted December 26, 2013 Author Share Posted December 26, 2013 In two months our son turns one. And she has promised me repeatdely that he will be coming with me every weekend at that point. And I believe her. it was just a cluster**** trying to plan a day to see Santa. I appreciate everyones advice and support. Miscommunication and poor planning, on both of our parts. Thank you all for lettine me vent, and listening. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted December 27, 2013 Share Posted December 27, 2013 What a hassle. I honestly don't even know why people want kids, with all the drudge work you have to do, and especially if you're not in a stable relationship where you have to deal with things like this. Hopefully when he gets older you can separate your time with him from your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted December 27, 2013 Author Share Posted December 27, 2013 What a hassle. I honestly don't even know why people want kids, with all the drudge work you have to do, and especially if you're not in a stable relationship where you have to deal with things like this. Hopefully when he gets older you can separate your time with him from your ex. There have been tough times, and adjustments. But along with that has came a lot of growth, individually and as co-parents. It is worth it. I don't regret a thing. But yeah, sometimes adjusting and compromising can be hard. But I think we are doing pretty darn good for our son, given the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
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