My weird ex acted serious towards me - only after we broke up

[soapopera]

So this guy and I dated for 8 months, non-exclusively. I then went off to law school, so moved away. We stayed friends.

 

However, I kept running a business in the place I lived in originally before I moved away, where my ex lives. One day he decided he wanted to invest money in my business, so I let him. We kept in touch, because we were now working together.

 

I'd see him about once a month-ish because I'd be in town to check on the business. He let me stay at his house all those times, even giving me the key so I could come and go. I always made sure to sleep in a separate room. When we would meet, he'd tell me about how he told all his best friends about me and brags to them about me; how they think I sound really solid.. etc.

 

He called me for an hour on Thanksgiving day just to talk. Then he texted me at 1am the other day saying he misses me and wants to spend Christmas with me.

 

He speaks of his job search and wanting to move to a city that happens to be near me.

 

I can't understand him though, because he is dating others (non-exclusively). It's so confusing. Does he want to get back together with me, or is he just playing games with me to see if he still 'has it'? We were never exclusive or super serious while we were dating. But after I left, it seemed like everything he does - trying to spend holidays with me, sharing his whole house/all that's in it with me, sharing his finances with me (we have a joint bank account now) - all would look like he wanted to get married or something in any other scenario.

 

Every time I try to talk to him about my feelings, I clam up and lose all my words.

 

What should I do?

[oldshirt]

 

Every time I try to talk to him about my feelings, I clam up and lose all my words.

 

What should I do?

 

Stop claiming up and losing your words. Both of you sound like educated, reasonably mature adults some communicate like educated, mature adults.

 

This is very simple - he's dating others and keeping his options open because he's not seeing any kind of green light from you. He on the other hand has been rolling out the red carpet but you haven't been seeing either.

 

Go to Christmas with him, drop the deflector shields and talk to each other like two adults that like and admire each other.

[jimloveslips]

How you feel about this guy?

[soapopera]

Thanks oldshirt for the advice - it really means a lot. Jim, I really love him, but a part of me feels like this whole thing is a game or something: dating other girls and acting uncommitted, then trying to chase once he thinks I'm out of reach. It's hard for me to believe that these new gestures are genuine, since they weren't there when we were actually together. He texts me periodically at 1am - what if he's just horny? Why wasn't he this open before? What changed? Friendship seems like the safest option, but as you can see, our friendship doesn't simplify much. I'm afraid that if we reunite romantically, all our other problems will return. It's my fault for under-communicating. But communicating isn't easy either! There's no simple option, and I'm afraid of making the wrong choice.

 

If anything, maybe my story is a lesson in the danger of playing games and the virtues of being honest from the get-go.

Edited December 19, 2013 by soapopera

[oldshirt]

Thanks oldshirt for the advice - it really means a lot. Jim, I really love him, but a part of me feels like this whole thing is a game or something: dating other girls and acting uncommitted, then trying to chase once he thinks I'm out of reach. It's hard for me to believe that these new gestures are genuine, since they weren't there when we were actually together. He texts me periodically at 1am - what if he's just horny? Why wasn't he this open before? What changed? Friendship seems like the safest option, but as you can see, our friendship doesn't simplify much. I'm afraid that if we reunite romantically, all our other problems will return. It's my fault for under-communicating. But communicating isn't easy either! There's no simple option, and I'm afraid of making the wrong choice.

 

If anything, maybe my story is a lesson in the danger of playing games and the virtues of being honest from the get-go.

 

How many times have you been told that you think too much?

[oldshirt]

 

 

, He texts me periodically at 1am - what if he's just horny?

 

 

A 1am txt asking to get together now is a horny booty call.

 

A 1am txt asking to get together over Christmas is not.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I really love him, but a part of me feels like this whole thing is a game or something: dating other girls and acting uncommitted,

 

 

 

 

.

 

Any chance the one playing games here is you?

 

Oh seem hung up that he's seeing other girls. Are you saying he should shut all that down and be hermit BEFORE he asks you out?

 

You say you love him but did you give him him any indication of that or any indication you were wanting or even open to the idea of an exclusive R when you were dating??

 

If you are essentially wanting him to be committed an exclusive to you BEFORE you are dating, that's simply asking too much.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't couples supposed to date and get to know each other for awhile and then DISCUSS becoming exclusive and then having a period of exclusivity before discussing any kind of future commitment????

 

You seem to be wanting him to put the cart in front of the horse and want all the commitments and assurances up front before you go out on dates with him again without even having any discussions about anything beforehand.

 

If anyone is trying to dance around issues and trying play games to get the upper hand here, it's you.

 

How about if you Velcro those ovaries back on and woman-up a little bit here and simply ask him if he's just being friendly towards an old friend or if there are still some feelings there and if he's wanting a little more than just some business networking.

 

Even if he is playing games, that doesn't mean you have to also. I'm not even suggesting you stick your neck out and telling him you love him at this point. I'm just saying to ask him his intentions and where he is wanting to go with this. That's the least you can do and its a very reasonable course of action at this point.