Abused mother won't leave narcissistic father

[Rude boy]

My narcissist father physically and mentally abuses my mother. He would smack my brothers and I around As kids, but stopped when we got bigger. We've tried convincing her to leave, and she almost did once, but he backed her down.

 

I'm completely aware she has stockholme syndrome, but it is ridiculous how often she excuses him and his actions. I've had enough, either she leaves or I walk away, but I don't want to. The last account of abuse I have is last year, she was doing paperwork and he came and pushed her papers on the floor. He laughed while she cried and tried to pick them up, then kicked more out of her reach.

 

I don't go over anymore. It makes me sad to see her like that... I can't watch her cry and not take action. He's always said, I'm not his, everyone knows I am as I look most like him.

 

I want her to leave and she just won't, what can I do?

[nescafe1982]

I wish I had an answer for you, RudeBoy, instead of mere empathy. Your parents sound a lot like mine: NPD father, "battered wife" mother with possible BPD. It's one hell of an enduring dynamic, possibly the most difficult to break up out there.

 

First. Are you talking to someone? Are your siblings doing so? Growing up with an abusive N parent can create issues for you into adulthood (how old are you btw?) Even occassional therapy helps a lot... it helped me process a lot of stuff from my past and to establish proper boundaries with my parents. This help in creating boundaries is critical... you can learn (with a professional) where and if you can help your mother, what you can do to help the family dynamic, etc. But a dispassionate professional is necessary.

 

Second. I'm not a trained professional (so please take this with a huge grain of salt as an uninformed observer of N traits), but is there a third person in this dynamic? Oftentimes marriages with an N personality type depend on a third person to triangulate... usually a child (either "favored" or "shunned," but usually the favored child). The toxicity of the primary relationship (husband and wife) is often unstable without a third person... but when that third person is involved, the triangular dynamic is INCREDIBLY enduring and damn near impossible to break.

 

In my family, for instance, it was my brother. My dad did everything in his power to keep my brother from moving out of the house; he needed him to play against my mom and also as a source of narcissistic supply. Little bro didn't move out until age 29, and even then it was to go to prison (his life was so screwed up, partially because my dad had pushed drugs on him from his teens... he went to jail for a drug offense). Now that little bro is out of the house, he's recovering remarkably. Anyway, just something to think about... is there a third corner to this relationship? And if so, how does it maintain the relationship?

 

Third. You cannot make your mother leave, and if you try to force her to, she will only stick closer to him. The only thing you can do is seek help on your end, and find strategies to 1) recover, 2) draw firm boundaries between yourself and the abusive family member, and 3) draw boundaries with mom so as to stop enabling her (where applicable... it isn't always the case that a child does this, but sometimes even "caring" behaviors can become cathartic enough that the parent uses them as an outlet to avoid doing the hard thing-- leaving the spouse.)

 

Good luck with your situation... I hope the best comes of it.

[Rude boy]

I'm in my twenties as are my brothers. I'm the youngest in the family as well as the punching bag. I've gotten a little bit of help, but not much. So perhaps I qualify as the dynamic. She was pregnant when I was twelve but suffered a miscarriage because he literally threw her down the stairs.

 

She wasn't the same after, she just lost the will to live for awhile... They put her in a lockdown unit because she tried to kill herself. Had I not come home after school, and went to basketball practice she would have died. My dad blamed me for it, but I think he was upset she lived.

 

He stranglers her, she always said it's when they have sex and she likes it. But I know better, I've seen it out of aggression. He spits on and slaps drags and punches her. She's had to get teeth fixed a few times because he's broken them

 

He loves to hit on other women in front of her, and laughs when she cries about it.

Edited December 19, 2013 by Rude boy

[nescafe1982]

Can I ask: are you and all of your brothers out of the house? None of you are still living with the parents right now?

 

I'll also say, don't force the "triangulation" theory if it doesn't fit perfectly. It may very well be that there is not a "third" person dragged into the family drama. But if you sense that you might be the third person, it's all the more important that you get out of the parents' house and into therapy.

[Rude boy]

We all are on our own. My middle brother was thrown out at 17 I left at 18. No one lives with him because he's unbearable, she's the only one who won't leave at at the slightest suggestion, defends him.

[Rude boy]

Got a call late last night to get to the hospital. He broke her nose and three fingers in an argument, she won't talk to the cops so the state is pressing charges as well as a state restraining order against him. I said something about him and she went nuts, how can someone be so stupid?

[nescafe1982]

OMG I'm so sorry to hear it, OP. It sounds like he's escalating... has he put her in the hospital before?

 

I would suggest you speak to someone at the National Hotline for Domestic Violence. Maybe they can give you strategies for talking with mom: The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

 

She sounds completely codependent on him. That can only be attended to with regular therapy... but maybe, with some professional help, you and your brothers can collectively convince her that the abuse will not stop, and that she must leave him.

[Rude boy]

I think my mom might be going into therapy. My brothers and I think she might actually be listening to us this time. But we have to be really careful he can't know she's going. She's a shy lady but she's even worse without my dad around, hopefully she'll open up to someone...

[spiderowl]

I really do sympathise with you and your Mum. It's so hard to see someone we love hurting and when they seem to be going along with abuse or harming themselves it's so frustrating and depressing.

 

Do you think your Mum would still tolerate your Dad if you and your brothers were not in the picture trying to support her? I am not suggesting you abandon her, but maybe think about how you might be an outlet for her and support for her to stay in the relationship that she might get out of if she thought she didn't have her kids to fall back on. I am not suggesting that you are indeed an outlet - it's just something to consider, are you enabling her to cope and stay in the situation without intending to?

 

I should think you and your brothers would need the understanding and support of a counsellor. You must be in turmoil much of the time, which is so stressful on the mind and body. Even if your Mum won't (or can't) bring herself to get out of this situation, you deserve a life and freedom from this kind of pain.

 

Regarding your Mum, it sounds like she needs specialised help and support from people who've been there, done that, and know exactly what is going through her head when she contemplates leaving. Putting her in touch with a women's refuge might help, if it's possible and she will consider such contact.

 

In the UK, the law was changed recently. Previously, women who were beaten up by their partners could decide not to press charges against them. Now, the police will do it themselves, if they think it's justified. What is the situation in the US? What does your mother tell the hospital when she's been there for injuries - does she lie about what happened to her? Maybe just encouraging her to tell the truth about what happened would precipitate a legal process taking place. I just don't know whether US authorities would act in the same way as here.

Edited January 11, 2014 by spiderowl

[Rude boy]

My state puts a temporary restraining order on. I don't know what happened when I was a kid. This time the staff separated them and she said it was her husband. I think he had it for a week, but I'm sure he still went home to her. They always do that...

[spiderowl]

I suppose it's up to your mother to make sure the police enforce any orders by reporting any breaches, but it's clear she's not going to do that. She needs to see another way out of this, a route. If she was in touch with a women's shelter, they may be able to to show her that route and, over a period of time and telephone calls perhaps, build up her confidence so that she feels able to take it.

 

Would she be willing to speak with support workers are a refuge, do you think?

[Rude boy]

Is it normal for abusers to get more blatant and aggressive as they get older? It just seems like he has whenever I see them together.

[nescafe1982]

Is it normal for abusers to get more blatant and aggressive as they get older? It just seems like he has whenever I see them together.

 

It could be because he's gotten older... but my inclination is that it is because the abuse is being tolerated. Abusers escalate over time, because as the abuse becomes "normalized" and their behavior is tolerated by their partner, the abuser takes fewer measures to control their temper.

 

This is why seemingly-normal women can get into (and stay in) abusive relationships. Abusers don't begin with the worst of it. They tend to become more aggressive over time, until eventually their partner cannot tolerate it and leaves. Of until he's jailed for his crimes.

[Rude boy]

You're right, maybe it's because he knows she won't leave. I can see him be loving towards her. I see him smile and kiss her and send flowers. But the bad outweighs the good. I can't stand her not accepting my help...

[VeronicaRoss]

I sure have been there. It's a powerless feeling.

 

I've watched friends and siblings go through this too, such a waste of the precious gift of love and life. I remember the day my mother stood up to her second husband. She was calm and assertive. It was beautiful, and the end of their marriage. And of course the next man was terrible too but she got out faster. And then refused to pick another man because she realized she was her choices were the biggest problem, not the men and rather than go into therapy just stopped dating.

 

Even we women can be kind of 'macho' about romance: we'll win his love and change him with it where every other woman failed because our love is better than any other woman's. And woe to anyone who tries to get her to give up, it would mean her love couldn't do the job. Even being abused can be an ego thing, they're going to win the war -- with love. I've been there too. Well meaning friends 'just don't get it'.

 

You're holding on to an electric wire and hurting yourself by involving yourself like this and need to let go somehow. You are the one person you can save from this mess. The one thing you can do is focus on taking care of yourself. That's it.

 

I've learned to draw the line with someone in an abusive relationship that aren't interested in getting out. When they start in complaining with yet another story I say "Please, let's change the topic. I've already given you my opinion and advice on this situation. These stories are frustrating for me to listen to, they truly make me feel sick and sad. I respect your right to be involved in that relationship, but I need you to respect my feelings about this too. So let's talk about something else, OK?"

[preraph]

You all be very careful. Restraining orders often trigger the abuser to even more dangerous behavior. I'm glad the State is pursuing this but you all really need to support your abused mother and hope the therapy will get her to testify if necessary against your dad. If not, you and your siblings do it. Be sure and talk to the prosecutor and let him know you are willing to help in any way whatsoever because often whether they prosecute or not depends on if anyone is willing to testify, so please pick up the phone to the prosecutor's office right now and leave a message to talk to whoever is in charge of your mom's case.

 

 

It's hard to fathom why women take the abuse, but it's years of an abuser making her feel worthless and like she has nowhere to turn and also fear he'll just kill her if she leaves -- and he may try to, so please take every precaution.

[amaysngrace]

Buy your mom a gun and teach her how to use it.

[Radu]

I'm in my twenties as are my brothers. I'm the youngest in the family as well as the punching bag. I've gotten a little bit of help, but not much. So perhaps I qualify as the dynamic. She was pregnant when I was twelve but suffered a miscarriage because he literally threw her down the stairs.

 

She wasn't the same after, she just lost the will to live for awhile... They put her in a lockdown unit because she tried to kill herself. Had I not come home after school, and went to basketball practice she would have died. My dad blamed me for it, but I think he was upset she lived.

 

He stranglers her, she always said it's when they have sex and she likes it. But I know better, I've seen it out of aggression. He spits on and slaps drags and punches her. She's had to get teeth fixed a few times because he's broken them

 

He loves to hit on other women in front of her, and laughs when she cries about it.

 

I just had a fantasy about beating the sh*t out of him while maniacally laughing, shattering his kneecaps and repeatedly kicking him in the nuts.

 

Sorry.

 

PS: Pls don't do the above.

[Rude boy]

I just had a fantasy about beating the sh*t out of him while maniacally laughing, shattering his kneecaps and repeatedly kicking him in the nuts.

 

Sorry.

 

PS: Pls don't do the above.

 

As do I, brother. I hope, one day I'll get the chance.

 

It's not like she's stupid, I know he thinks we're all better than her because he and my brothers and I all have degrees or are working on them. She just finished high school and stayed home.

[Rude boy]

I went to my parents' house last night for the Super Bowl. They use to throw big parties but don't anymore. He was all over her like he is after he hurts her. She looked fine though. They kept whispering all night to each other. The thing that I really heard him say though was "please don't leave me" I wonder if she's thinking about it.

 

My brothers and I just kept looking each other. My dad almost ridiculed me for not wanting kids. I don't want kids because of him...

[nescafe1982]

I went to my parents' house last night for the Super Bowl. They use to throw big parties but don't anymore. He was all over her like he is after he hurts her. She looked fine though. They kept whispering all night to each other. The thing that I really heard him say though was "please don't leave me" I wonder if she's thinking about it.

 

My brothers and I just kept looking each other. My dad almost ridiculed me for not wanting kids. I don't want kids because of him...

 

A classic part of the abuse cycle. Abusers will "love bomb" their victims after a violent incident. It's rooted in the abuser's insecurity and fear that she might leave him. Once he's assured she will not leave, he will hit her again.

 

Have you resolved to talk to someone about your ongoing struggles (both with this family and the pregnancy)? LIke a professional?

[turnera]

Are there other people she talks to? Church?

[preraph]

RudeBoy, if you want some support by a childfree community, there's a forum called thechildfreelife.

[Rude boy]

As far as I know, she doesn't talk to anyone about it. My grandparents tried after she tried to kill herself. But she made it clear she didn't want to leave, I think it was after they called off the divorce. She never goes to their house anymore unless he's in tow.

 

My brother said something along the lines of it being our last "kid free party" my mom and dad were saying they hoped so. My dad said he thought it was weird I wasn't excited, he was always happy when she got pregnant. Which everyone knows isn't true.I just reminded everyone there's a good chance it's not mine.

 

I've been looking into getting help.

[turnera]

I wasn't asking if SHE was talking to anyone else. She's an abuse victim - we all KNOW she isn't telling anyone the truth.

 

I was asking if there is anyone else in her life. Someone YOU can get to help you intervene. As in, go in, pick her up, take her to a secret place, and keep her there until she detoxes from him.