Abused mother won't leave narcissistic father

[nescafe1982]

 

I've been looking into getting help.

 

I'm glad. Your situation sounds very complicated. No one should have to figure out all this stuff on their own.

[Rude boy]

I wasn't asking if SHE was talking to anyone else. She's an abuse victim - we all KNOW she isn't telling anyone the truth.

 

I was asking if there is anyone else in her life. Someone YOU can get to help you intervene. As in, go in, pick her up, take her to a secret place, and keep her there until she detoxes from him.

 

Oh I see, excuse me for that. No ma'am, she's got my brothers and me, that's it. I want to go over there, pick her up, and make her come with me. But I know it won't happen. He's leaving to go on his annual business trip, which I call the cheating trip. So maybe I can talk to her then.

[turnera]

Why don't you take her out to things you know she'd like, but would never do with him around? Let her get a taste of what life without the burden would be like - get to go to the botanical gardens, get to go to a movie, etc.

[preraph]

RudeBoy, you might seek the advice of a victim's advocate such as a women's shelter because they know all kinds of things and can make recommendations on how to prepare if she would leave him. Also, if you can't find one of those (their locations are secret because of stalkers), do call the police station and ask for a victim's advocate because they can refer you to that type source and also have valuable info. You will likely have to leave a message and wait until they call back because those type things are generally overwhelmed with people needing them. The problem is where she can go hide and live if she leaves him because he will probably be dangerous.

[Rude boy]

I feel like I'm abandoning her if I take her to a shelter. I'd rather her come with me.

 

When I take her out without him, she just shakes and is very quiet. I guess I don't help with the way I talk to her, but sometimes I feel like it needs to be done because She doesn't listen any other way...

[turnera]

No, he said for YOU to go to the shelter and learn what to do. And anyway, shelters are imminently more capable of helping your mother than YOU are. It's what they do.

[preraph]

^ That's right. They may not KEEP her at the shelter but they will tell her all the many ways he can and will try to track her down and try to educate her on how to avoid that happening. You are putting her in danger if you move her someplace and he knows where she is, and also putting yourself and everyone else there in danger. The women's shelters or victim's advocates are experts on how to elude a stalker and keep a woman as safe as possible from being attacked or killed by the man they're leaving. That's when they go off the worst. They know how and whether to file restraining orders and how to keep someone's location secret, etc. Some may even provide untraceable cell phones or something like that. The biggest thing, though, is your mother is reluctant to leave and scared and she may be too scared NOT to tell him where she is and that could get her killed. So the victim's advocate will try to counsel her to get her victimized head back on straight! It's very important.

[Rude boy]

He's out of town so my brothers and I've been going to see her. The first day I walked in and she was looking at flowers on the table she said he surprised her with them before he left. She asked me if I thought they were beautiful, and they were. There was a card that I picked up to read, and she told me it was private. That annoyed me. She reminds me of a teenager...

 

I made her cry, and felt bad. She kept saying he was a great father to her four kids. I reminded her she only has three, and she started bawling. And said no one understands that it still hurts. She's right, I have no idea what losing a child is like, but she brought it on herself. It was a year he was really mean to her.

[preraph]

She's obviously not ready to leave. He left those flowers so she didn't get up her nerve while he was gone. Don't let her tell you he was a good father. You can straighten her out on that anytime. A good father doesn't traumatize the children by beating the mother or fighting in front of the children. And a good mother doesn't expose her kids to that. You know, you could probably bring this thing to a head by contacting Child Protective Services if you are in the US, or the equivalent elsewhere and they don't like children in abusive homes.

[Rude boy]

There are no kids in the house. Just three messed up young men. There would be had their last child survived. To tell the absolute truth, sometimes I'm relieved she lost it. Just not the way it happened, how much pain she was in, or how it's effected her.

 

I'm also going to start seeing a therapist next week.

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like your mom is in complete denial of how bad things really are. That plus the fact that she probably feels completely worthless and unable to take care of herself on her own.

 

Abuse is awful. And it's so hard to break free from because it was a choice she made to be with him and that certainly can't help her to believe in herself or her judgment.

 

Does she ever say that her situation is messed up or does she just suck it up?

 

I know I said before to get her a gun and that seems extreme but I meant it. At the very least sign her up for a self-defense course where she can learn martial arts or something.

 

Also if you ever see bruises on her take a picture. She may need the evidence some day for when she hopefully gets strong enough to leave him.

[turnera]

You could get a book yourself, and any time you're around her without him there, read her a passage of the book. I did that when I wanted my H to learn something he didn't want to hear. You can't 'un-hear' what you heard.

[Rude boy]

No. Never in my life have I heard her speak out against him. I've heard her ask him why a few times. He turns to stone and won't answer her, I'm not sure that he even acknowledges her when she asks. It's hard when he dismisses her in front of me, but if I said something, I know I'd make things worse.

 

I think she knows how to use a gun. I know he had them when I was younger. He could still but I haven't seen him pull one out in years.

[amaysngrace]

No. Never in my life have I heard her speak out against him. I've heard her ask him why a few times. He turns to stone and won't answer her, I'm not sure that he even acknowledges her when she asks. It's hard when he dismisses her in front of me, but if I said something, I know I'd make things worse.

 

I think she knows how to use a gun. I know he had them when I was younger. He could still but I haven't seen him pull one out in years.

 

I like the quote suggestion. She has to first acknowledge that there's a problem before she can get help.

 

Maybe stop by a woman's shelter or your local PD to see if they have pamphlets on the cycle of abuse and domestic violence and read them to her if she won't take them for herself.

 

All those years of being abused would have to take such a heavy toll on her. She probably isn't anything like the person she use to be at all.

 

Maybe ask her about when she was your age and what was she like. See if that will help her snap out of it.

 

You're being a very good son to her by caring about her so much.

[preraph]

Abusers convince their victims they are worthless and that the abuser is the only person who'd put up with them. They erode their self-esteem, plus they're scared to death of getting killed by them and just want to keep them happy -- which is beyond their control. The abuser convinces them they are abusive because of something the victim is doing, but it has nothing to do with that and that's a lie. The naive person will believe that and think she can change it if she just does everything right, loves him enough, etc., but that isn't true. He doesn't want love. He just wants control. Do go to a therapist. It will help you understand everything and cope with it.

[Rude boy]

I tracked down some abuse stuff and read it to her. It pissed her off she grabbed a glass and threw it at me. I told her she threw like a girl, then she cried... She's never done anything like that before...

 

I also read the card she didn't want me to read when she left the room. I can safely say, he's psychotic, and a tool.

 

He comes back sometime tonight I think.

[amaysngrace]

Why did you insult her?

 

I don't understand how you can do that but be bothered that your dad treats her like crap.

 

Did you at least apologize?

 

I hate to tell you bro but you all seem dysfunctional to me.

[Rude boy]

Why did you insult her?

 

I don't understand how you can do that but be bothered that your dad treats her like crap.

 

Did you at least apologize?

 

I hate to tell you bro but you all seem dysfunctional to me.

 

I didn't apologize, and I did feel bad. But it was to let her know if she wants to hurt me, she should be a little more forceful. I don't know if she was trying to hurt me though, she missed me by quite a bit. I cleaned it up for her while she sat on the couch and cried.

[preraph]

Amaysn -- RudeBoy grew up around that crap, so it would be a miracle if he didn't have the capacity for it to some extent and a lot of anger bottled up.

 

He's trying to help her, but it's hard to help someone in her position before they're ready. But RudeBoy, this is why you need to let the pros do it. I'm not sure your local laws. Some places, in addition to child protective services, have adult protective services. I urge you to call the main police station (not 911) and ask for a return call from the victim's advocate and ask her if there is any reporting agency that can intervene.

[amaysngrace]

I didn't apologize, and I did feel bad. But it was to let her know if she wants to hurt me, she should be a little more forceful. I don't know if she was trying to hurt me though, she missed me by quite a bit. I cleaned it up for her while she sat on the couch and cried.

 

That's really sad. She obviously has a lot of pent up feelings.

 

But the saddest thing is that nobody is going to be able to help her unless she wants to be helped. That is Rule #1....she has to first admit that there's a problem.

 

Did you ask her about when she was younger? Do you have access to any old pictures of her? Does she have any brothers or sisters? Maybe get them involved or see if they have any pictures of her from her youth and look at them together.

 

Then tell her straight up that you think she should see a counselor who deals with domestic violence. Let her know she's not alone and that there's help available to get her strong enough to leave him.

 

The biggest obstacle that you're going to encounter is that she has been conditioned to be passive. It's going to be tough to have her suddenly become a fighter so that is where you're definitely going to need outside help.

 

Could you possibly set up an appointment for her then get her and bring her? There are Women's Shelters that have counseling available and a lot of times it's free. Check with the county that she lives in to see if there's one and give them a call and explain your situation.

 

Whatever they can do for you they will.

[amaysngrace]

Amaysn -- RudeBoy grew up around that crap, so it would be a miracle if he didn't have the capacity for it to some extent and a lot of anger bottled up.

 

True. My kids were messed up from the years they were exposed to it, no doubt about that.

 

I think it's really nice that RudeBoy is so concerned about her well-being though.

[turnera]

I tracked down some abuse stuff and read it to her. It pissed her off she grabbed a glass and threw it at me. I told her she threw like a girl, then she cried.

That's actually a GOOD sign, because it shows she KNOWS she shouldn't be in that situation, she's just not ready to change it. She threw the glass because that's what your dad does, and it has become normal for her, so she did it too.

 

 

As for what you said...not your finest moment...have you apologized to her for saying that?

[turnera]

it was to let her know if she wants to hurt me, she should be a little more forceful.

Huh? I didn't get that. Did you explain that?

 

 

Anyway, don't be encouraging her to be forceful - all that will get her is a trip to the hospital when you're not around.

[turnera]

Then tell her straight up that you think she should see a counselor who deals with domestic violence. Let her know she's not alone and that there's help available to get her strong enough to leave him.

At this point, do NOT bring up the 'so you can leave him' part. Maybe say 'so you'll be able to deal with it better and not be so unhappy.'

 

 

What'll happen, if she DOES go, is that over time she'll start soaking up the information and seeing that there really IS no way for this situation to get better. That way, SHE will be the one changing her own mind.

[turnera]

btw, good job reading the material to her! It's the first step, and important. Keep it up. Maybe read it yourself and memorize it and then just say it to her, without the book.