Author Rude boy Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 He's back... It makes me so sad. I'm sure he'll be nice for the first two days and stop. I read something about the victim thinking it's something they deserve. I'm confused, how could anyone think that? I guess it's because it's all she's been around for the last thirty-three years... But it breaks my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 He's back... It makes me so sad. I'm sure he'll be nice for the first two days and stop. I read something about the victim thinking it's something they deserve. I'm confused, how could anyone think that? I guess it's because it's all she's been around for the last thirty-three years... But it breaks my heart. She's been conditioned to believe that. Probably every time he wounds her he lets her know why he is doing it and he blames her for it. You should remind her that nobody has the right to lay their hands on her. He's committing a crime when he does that to her. Somehow she has to stop blaming herself for the abuse and recognize that he is the only one to blame. Again, if you see any evidence of bruising or cuts on her from being abused please tell her you want to get a picture of that and take some. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 Read Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. You'll understand lots. Link to post Share on other sites
Betternotbroken Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 My narcissist father physically and mentally abuses my mother. He would smack my brothers and I around As kids, but stopped when we got bigger. We've tried convincing her to leave, and she almost did once, but he backed her down. I'm completely aware she has stockholme syndrome, but it is ridiculous how often she excuses him and his actions. I've had enough, either she leaves or I walk away, but I don't want to. The last account of abuse I have is last year, she was doing paperwork and he came and pushed her papers on the floor. He laughed while she cried and tried to pick them up, then kicked more out of her reach. I don't go over anymore. It makes me sad to see her like that... I can't watch her cry and not take action. He's always said, I'm not his, everyone knows I am as I look most like him. I want her to leave and she just won't, what can I do? My mother choses to stay with my father who is as you described. She knows he is abusive, she vacillates between her armor of his is a great man and the pragmatic reality of what will happen to her finances if she leaves. I never, ever discuss him with her. I am omitted from family holidays because I upset him with "my behavior" and my "lies" i.e. admitting he is an abusive person and refusing to expose my children to him. I could not care less. I am free and I understand where she is coming from at her age. It is not easy for a woman to leave. I did not have good luck with the shelters. One left me in tears. You cannot "make" a person leave an abusive situation, they have to choose to leave it, sadly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 RudeBoy, he has kept her feeling that way, but it's also possible that she also had her self-esteem eroded with some form of abuse growing up that made her a good victim for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Betternotbroken Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Abuse changes the way your bran processes information and how you think about everything from yourself to the rest of the world. It is not easy to establish healthy thought processes while still living with the abuser, especially if as preraph says this may have been going on her own life. One step in the direction away from abuse is for a person to get something of their own, something like a job, a volunteer position or some other cause that can connect them to something other than their abuser who in many cases becomes the center of the abused person's world. I hope your mom finds peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 I've had to see my dad a lot lately. I'm taking over for one of his partners in September. My dad and two other men own the company and I'm just taking over one owners duties. The man who's stepping down said I looked the most like him. My dad's response was "he's the only one who doesn't look like a sp*c" my mom is Hispanic and use to be very beautiful, before he destroyed her. My brothers both are darker and have dark brown hair. Mine's light like his. Why marry a woman whose culture you hate? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 (edited) ^ Because he knows that's a male-dominated culture and women in it are less likely to stand up for themselves. He's just an opportunistic jackass with no empathy or respect for others. She very well grew up in a household where her mom had to do whatever her dad said, and if she's traditional Hispanic, her religion also supports male domination and she may believe this is a woman's burden and that she'll be rewarded in heaven. Edited March 21, 2014 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 My oldest brother is his favorite. He's also the one who looks the most like my mom. I've actually never heard him call my brothers sp*cs before. That one of the most horrible words to me. He patted me on the back over lunch. The only time he's done that was when I made quarterback in high school. It felt so strange. Link to post Share on other sites
ambientplace Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 It makes me so frustrated and angry that you had to go through the effects of a dysfunctional family, marked by a tyrannical narcissistic "father". I can strongly sympathize with you as my family is the same way. Once I realized that my mother, siblings, and I were being abused, I made it very clear to my mother and urged her to seek help and to get out of the situation. But she wouldn't have any of it. Because these mothers have Stockholm syndrome. I've tried time and time again to get her to become aware of her situation, but have failed each time, only for her to call me a family splicer. So I finally realized that my mother does not want to be saved. She wants to be a hero and thinks that she can be the better person and change the abuser for the better through her obedience and total tolerance. She is living in her own illusion of a perfect family, and that each day that she is not abused is clearly a day that my tyrannical "father" is being "kind" towards her. She is being controlled and she is not even aware of it/ does not want to face reality. It is with great pain that I say I don't think there is anything that you can do, other than saving yourself and living a healthy life away from the corrosive environment. I'm sorry I couldn't be much comfort Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 15, 2014 Author Share Posted July 15, 2014 I got a call tonight to go to the house. The cops were there... He beat her pretty badly. It started in the driveway and the neighbor boy saw and called. He slammed her hand in the truck door and drug her into the house by her hair. Her face was so swollen it barely looked like my mother. She was denying it to the cops when I walked in. She said the boy was lying... My brothers and I confirmed that he's abusive and he went to jail. A cop said to me that they usually don't respond to these calls twice... My oldest brother lost it. He started screaming at her when the cops left. He's the calm one too. I tried to get him to stop but he just couldn't hear me. One of the worst nights ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Editbee Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 (edited) Your older brother is upset because she probably can't comprehend the extend she still tried to defend your abusive father, the very person that hurt her badly. I'm sorry to hear this happened and you both did the right thing in reporting this POS of your father. Have you contact the women's shelter? Is your mother getting treated? Setting up an appointment with an IC wouldn't be a bad idea with. She needs counseling too. Edited July 15, 2014 by Editbee Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE swear to me that YOU will press charges against him if you are allowed. Please understand your mom CANNOT do it, she is too damaged to be able to protect herself. Please do it for her. Please? And PLEASE contact a woman's shelter FOR YOUR MOTHER and take her there when she is able to get around. Please? I don't care WHAT she tells you; she is too far gone to be able to understand what's going on. Her life depends on you two stepping up and stopping this insanity FOR her. Link to post Share on other sites
contact1 Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 I am very sorry to hear this happening. Unfortunately if the mother isn't going to press charges, the father won't be charge at all most likely. It is very evident the mother isn't going to, given that she was defending him right when she was beaten. These are tough situations. I don't know if there is some way you can have her admitted or placed in some kind of counseling, due to being a danger on herself for being in this situation. I wish you all the best on this. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 I sure have been there. It's a powerless feeling. I've watched friends and siblings go through this too, such a waste of the precious gift of love and life. I remember the day my mother stood up to her second husband. She was calm and assertive. It was beautiful, and the end of their marriage. And of course the next man was terrible too but she got out faster. And then refused to pick another man because she realized she was her choices were the biggest problem, not the men and rather than go into therapy just stopped dating. Even we women can be kind of 'macho' about romance: we'll win his love and change him with it where every other woman failed because our love is better than any other woman's. And woe to anyone who tries to get her to give up, it would mean her love couldn't do the job. Even being abused can be an ego thing, they're going to win the war -- with love. I've been there too. Well meaning friends 'just don't get it'. You're holding on to an electric wire and hurting yourself by involving yourself like this and need to let go somehow. You are the one person you can save from this mess. The one thing you can do is focus on taking care of yourself. That's it. I've learned to draw the line with someone in an abusive relationship that aren't interested in getting out. When they start in complaining with yet another story I say "Please, let's change the topic. I've already given you my opinion and advice on this situation. These stories are frustrating for me to listen to, they truly make me feel sick and sad. I respect your right to be involved in that relationship, but I need you to respect my feelings about this too. So let's talk about something else, OK?" Best advice I've read on this thread. Sorry, OP, I have no words. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 meh, I could do that for anyone - except my mother or my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Since when aren't the officers allowed to charge the assailant? Contact your local police force for clairifcation. Its my understanding that felony charges come from the police officers and the prosecutor.... The Victim doesnt always get to say whether charges are pressed or not, the evidence and the police report carry some weight . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 She never talks about it to anyone. If you ask her she'll deny everything and anything. He's the model husband and father in every story. My siblings, grandparents, and his sisters know better. I think over the years their friends have watched and learned. My state issues a temporary restraining order. I'm sure they'll press charges and the neighbor boy is around sixteen so that's endangerment of a child. (I hope at least...) when they said it happened in the driveway. My god, I can't describe it. I can't believe he attacked her outside. My brother is golden boy. He drove her to the hospital during a miscarriage caused by a fight. He is their favorite, and to see him explode like that was something else. I'm usually the one who's mean to her about it. Sitting back like I did last night hasn't ever been my job. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I’m so sorry, Rude Boy. Do take care of yourself and your own challenges and personal successes right now. Who knows if anyone will be able to get through to your mother…. I’m so glad to see that your brother is stepping up, because I imagine that your love for that sweet little girl of yours is also in your heart and thoughts. You are so important to her life. Take care of yourself for her and for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I'm usually the one who's mean to her about it.What's wrong with this picture? SHE is the one being abused and you're being mean to HER and not to the ABUSER? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Good point. Link to post Share on other sites
MCGar Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Follow up with the police. Some jurisdictions, allow the DA to press charges regardless of the victim wanting to. Talk to them about it and see what you would need exactly for this to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 Go get pictures of her TODAY. Keep showing them to her until she gets out of denial. Your parents seem so broken...I'm feeling sorry for you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I got a call tonight to go to the house. The cops were there... He beat her pretty badly. It started in the driveway and the neighbor boy saw and called. He slammed her hand in the truck door and drug her into the house by her hair. Her face was so swollen it barely looked like my mother. She was denying it to the cops when I walked in. She said the boy was lying... My brothers and I confirmed that he's abusive and he went to jail. A cop said to me that they usually don't respond to these calls twice... My oldest brother lost it. He started screaming at her when the cops left. He's the calm one too. I tried to get him to stop but he just couldn't hear me. One of the worst nights ever. That's awful! I hope your Mom comes to her senses and leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 16, 2014 Author Share Posted July 16, 2014 Like I said, I stood back this time. I wasn't angry at her, I was sad. Since I stopped my drug usage, I haven't been so mad. I tried to tell him it was enough but he kept going. I think I might take the baby to see her. She's inconsolable right now... The neighbor kid said he'd never seen someone so angry in his life and I hope he never does again. I thought guys like that got better as they got older. Link to post Share on other sites
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