Des1 Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 I am trying to find some understanding to my situation. I have been dating a wonderful man for about 4 months. We get along great , spend alot of time together and always have fun. Heres where the ugliness starts... He has been seperated from his wife for over a year.. they have 2 kids... she is a flaming alcoholic... throws temper tantrums etc.. She left him. They got back together and moved back into within that year and it lasted a week, and he moved back out.For the past year he has chased after her crying and begging for her back and she didnt want anything to do with him . Me and him became friends and then eventually started dating. About a month into me and him dating she found out about me and has been playing the "How about marriage counseling?" "Let's make our marriage work." So then he comes to me and tells me he has to try to make this work for his family. I said If you feel you need to try again with her then I care about you enough as a person to let you go. Do whatever you need to do . Didnt last 2 days . SHe got drunk and pissed over one of those water under the bridge fights and called the cops. Nothing ever happens when she calls the cops , he's never been arrested etc. (i think she does this so she has a paper trail for court.. for custody) Heres the thing .. the day after she calls the cops shes calling him to take the kids.. Then she reverts to not wanting to be with him again. Then she finds out hes back together with me and shes reeling him in again. And this is a cycle. My question is this.. When is enough Enough ? When is he going to allow the lightbulb to go off in his head and realize what she is doing? He realizes it but maybe this time she has changed. I have been divorced for 5 years but I am the one who left. Is there something in being the one who was left that changes that mourning process? I let him go because he needs to work this out for himself without me being a part of it. But if anyone can help me understand this please do.. He will be back in 2 days crying for me back because he loves me but Im not going back or that makes us the same cycle.Except that I DO LOVE him . I KNOW he loves me but his strength in family unit is where his disfuntionality comes in . He feels he owes children one more try to make it work and then another and another while his x just keeps abusing him. Anyone with some understanding ? Link to post Share on other sites
sean001 Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Maybe I'm having trouble with what it is you need understanding on. It sounds like you've read the situation perfectly -- and done the right thing by getting YOU out of the equation. I'm proud that you have had the strength to get through it and let him go. Loving someone is nice, but honestly, sometimes love is irrelevant. This situation spells nothing but trouble. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 Anyone with some understanding ? Sure, his wife is a manipulative witch who lives to make him miserable. She is unstable and probably has a psychological disorder that is very difficult to pronounce. Your guy sounds like a very devoted father. I think a large part of his desire to work things out with his wife is for his children's benefit. Oddly enough, I learned something today in counselling that is relevant if that is the case. My wife is, well, mentally unbalanced at this point. She suffered some traumatic loses and the grief has overwhelmed her. She pushed me away to have a fling with her grade school / high school crush who used her and lost interest. Her life is a train wreck in the making at this point. And she is the primary role model for our 3 year old daughter. Scares the hell out of me that my daughter will think that is "normal". But as my counselor explained to me, my daughter will see that as "normal" for her mother, but if I can provide the stable, caring, loving environment, even if it is only every other weekend, she will know, and she will be drawn to that. If your guy can understand that it might help him to make the final break from his control freak manipulator wife. Otherwise, don't get sucked into this drama. If he can't make the break, his wife will continue to make you miserable even after they divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Des1 Posted January 8, 2005 Author Share Posted January 8, 2005 So Me and him havent been together for a week. He is back with her trying to work things out. BUT hes been ringing my phone off the hook telling. I havent answered so he tracked me down at work and wanted to talk . I asked him what he wanted and he said that hes been fighting to get his family and marriage back for a year now BUT now that he has it back with her he doesnt think he wants it anymore. The fantasy he built up in his head for the last year isnt the reality of what he feels now.Now he has realized that he has a chance of happiness with me . Says he doesnt know what to do at the moment. ( not asking for me back just talking to me about his feelings) Not that I would take him back that easy anyways. But now Im confused,, on one hand I understand that maybe he did build this huge fantasy that they could be the way they used to be and now that he finally had the chance he doesnt know if he wants her anymore. But why be so indecesive.. If you know that 1 person makes you happy and that you have something so great with them (ME) versus keeping something that is completely disfunctional. Why should that be so hard to deal with ? You make the decision and then you stick by it right? You know what feels right in your heart ? NO? She knows all about me and they seem to be fighting because she says she has never seen him so happy as she does when i am mentioned or talked about. Even she knows he is miserable without me ( which pisses her off) If everyone including him know his happiness why is it such a hard decision to make? Any input? My best friend says he needs to go through this if me and him are ever going to have a chance. This is the only way that he is going to get rid of the fantasy in his head . Should I keep hope for me and him or just let go ? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 please realize that you are part of this bizarre love triangle and it will continue as long as you are interested in this guy... my advice is to extricate yourself permanently. He is always going to be tied to this nutcase due to the kids. Why do you want to be involved in this scenario? I have to question your judgement here also. Link to post Share on other sites
7on Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Sometime love means knowing when to let go. Maybe him getting a girlfriend made the wife realize the mistakes in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
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