A wonderful change is happening in our relationship...

[Thinkalot]

Hi everyone. Wasn't too sure where to post this, but figured the general section is as good as any.

 

As some of you know, my fiance and I have been struggling with poor communication, my OCD and going on and on, and his extreme anger and frustration. This often resulted in BAD fights, with yelling, swearing and me crying. A cycle we both could see, but neither could seem to stop, of him telling me to be quiet...me getting upset and talking...him getting angrier, me getting more upset. And so on.

 

A large cause has obviously been my OCD. That is now more under control than it used to be. However, because my fiance had been pushed for so long, he was starting to react to smaller things, and seemed to shut a lot of conversations down quickly, all of which made my insecurity and anxiety worse.

 

Anyway...for a while now, people on here have been telling us to both take responsibility. Meaning, not just me, but him too. He often focussed on me as the cause, rather than making changes in himself.

 

Now however, he seems to have taken a radically different approach. He has been reading things on anger and relationships, without any prompting for me. He has been modifying the way he reacts to me, and often responds to me now if I am upset, with love and care, instead of frustration and anger. As a result, my anxiety fads, and tension dissapears. Other times, if I do or say something which usually would have bothered him, he'll just nicely tell me, and then I will stop whatever it is, without getting upset. Or, if I am overly excited, and repeating myself because I am excited, he'll just hug me and say something positive, like "you are so enthusiastic, I love that".

 

I told him last night that I felt as though the old him had been abducted, and replaced with a new model, and that I loved the change. He said to me, "i feel the same way. You are being so much more loving and easy going".

 

I asked if he was finding it hard to do, and he said, "no, it's much easier, and I feel more relaxed, plus you are making it easy". He asked if I was finding it hard, and I said , no, because HE was making it easier.

 

It's only been a couple of weeks. But this is a great change, and seems to be like a breakthrough for us. With us both working on things at the same time, we are getting somewhere.

 

I am still battling a lot of anxiety and obsessive thoughts. But that is my demon to fight, and I have not been inflicting it TOO much on him. I am also hoping my current psych will help me even more in that area.

 

Anyway, I felt like sharing this positive development. As a result, we are feeling lighter and more in love.

[Moose]

CONGRATS!!!!

[johan]

Good to hear! This is what I was hoping you two would be able to do. Hang in there. Be ready for a little backsliding occasionally.

[meanon]

Thinkalot, this is great news! I'm so happy for you both .

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by johan

Be ready for a little backsliding occasionally.

 

Yes, it would be unrealistic to expect things to remain just like this all the time...I'm sure occassions will happen, where for whatever reason, stress etc, we might lock horns and have a mini explosion.

 

But I am just so pleased with this change. I suppose because so much of it is coming from outside me, and coming from him. It was impossible before for me to become close to perfect and therefore not have him get upset or angry. Now, it is so much easier for us, and much easier for ME to make improvements too, in this environment.

 

Thanks for your support moose, johan and meanon. And for encouraging me along the way as usual.

[moimeme]

This is great news, Thinkalot! It also is a great maxim for everyone to remember - if one partner can manage to change an approach from reproach/anger/etc. to understanding/compassion/reasonableness, then it's pretty much a given that the other person will respond in kind. The cycle of kindness can be as reciprocal as the cycle of anger. And all it needs is one person to get the cycle of kindness going

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

The cycle of kindness can be as reciprocal as the cycle of anger.

 

That is SO true Merry! I am so proud of him for being strong enough to take that step. My love for him has grown at his ability to take this step. I know we will still stumble, but we needed to start this somewhere, and our efforts in the past were not nearly as productive as these have been so far.