Should I do it now, or in a few weeks.

[Saintjohn]

I've not been happy in my marriage for probably around a 1 year and a half now. To be honest, we started arguing and her having problems with my family in the lead up to our wedding. Then a massive argument and rows between family members on our Wedding Day means she cut my family out of her life. Then we had a son, rather unexpectedly for me, less so for her.

 

I love my son, he is the best thing in my life, but his birth has temporarily papered over some cracks, and made some others much worse. He is 8 months old and my parents have seen him around 6 or 7 times. Which sucks. My parents cant even drop by the house we own together. I work with my father which I love and will not give up, but that again causes strains.

 

The problem I have is she has just started back at work, albeit temporarily. I want to move out, or her, but we cant right now, because both are working full time and the logistics of looking after my son would be a nightmare. She is only working till 10th Jan. On top of that its bloody christmas, and her sister has just been divorced and its her first christmas without her three children. I feel like I'd be hurting far too many people at a vulnerable time.

 

I do not think she will be expecting this from me, but the signs are there, we haven't had sex in over a year, we spend every evening on separate couches with the tv on and staring at our phones, and when we go to bed we pretty much stay on our own sides.

 

I have to also confess that while on a night out, I met someone, I did not cheat but she did remind me of those feelings that I once had and I think that is the straw that broke the camels back and I don't think I have the will power to fight for us, Id rather be good friends and great parents, than unhappy arguing husband and wife, and affect my child that way.

 

I think the thing Im struggling with is the guilt of doing it and how much its going to hurt her and feel like I've betrayed her.

 

Any advice greatly welcome. I apologize if my story is a touch higgldy piggledy but I don't really know where to start and finish.

[dumped2013]

Dude,

Wait 2 weeks. Don't screw up Christmas and New Years.

 

17 years and 4 months of child support.........

[BeingMe]

Have you tried couples counselling?

 

Also, btw,if you have sex, you can make a baby. Sounds like you're blaming your wife?

[strive]

Id rather be good friends and great parents, than unhappy arguing husband and wife, and affect my child that way.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

My only advice is not to have unrealistic expectations about what's quoted above. It'll be YEARS down the line before that happens. IF it happens at all.

[jforthegirl]

This post was so hard for me to read.

My situation is painfully similar to yours, but I am on the other side, I am the wife that was left behind.

My husband told me he was leaving about 6 weeks ago. We have a young daughter. He met someone (online) who made him feel special, feel in love again.

I was blindsided, he told me he had checked out of the marriage 5 years ago.

My advice to you is to wait a couple of weeks until after the holidays. You have already waited as year and a half to tell her, 2 more weeks won't make much difference to you, I assume.

Then, I implore you to consider marriage counseling with her to work through your issues. My husband refused to do this and I will never forgive him for not giving our marriage one last shot for the sake of our daughter. I lost all respect for him as a father and I thought his refusal was the most selfish act of his life. This is the mother of your child and she deserves a chance to right her past wrongs and try and change to save your marriage.

If it can't be saved, at least you will both know that you tried. This will make the transition to just being co-parents a lot easier for both of you. As it stands with my stbxh, we are barely speaking and I don't trust him, he is like a stranger to me. I do not know if I will ever truly feel like he is my friend and I find myself doubting his parenting skills and ability to make rational decisions. I feel that he deceived me for 5 years, had a child with me when he knew he doubted our relationship and didn't ever give me a chance to save our marriage.

[Saintjohn]

God i cant even be completely honest even annoymously. I did cheat on my wife with this woman, we kissed but thats all, we met up 2 more times after and again only kissed, but then before we got caught up in the whirlwind of a new romance, decided to cut all contact, and if I end up divorced and single in the future go on normal proper dates and see what happens, but I fell for her hard.

 

I know if I told my wife I'd kissed another woman it would be over, and I want to tell her, but my biggest fear is she will hold so much hate and resentment if will affect our relationship in the future and our child. The net result will be the same if i bury it, but at least we might still be able to be good amicable parents.

 

Dude,

Wait 2 weeks. Don't screw up Christmas and New Years.

 

17 years and 4 months of child support.........

 

Not really bothered by child support. Its my child, I would support him whatever the case.

 

Have you tried couples counselling?

 

Also, btw,if you have sex, you can make a baby. Sounds like you're blaming your wife?

 

No we havent, I will go on about that in a minute. I'm not blaming her for having a child, just that I was less prepared at the time. I wouldnt change him being born for the world.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

My only advice is not to have unrealistic expectations about what's quoted above. It'll be YEARS down the line before that happens. IF it happens at all.

 

Im not sure what you mean will happen?

 

This post was so hard for me to read.

My situation is painfully similar to yours, but I am on the other side, I am the wife that was left behind.

My husband told me he was leaving about 6 weeks ago. We have a young daughter. He met someone (online) who made him feel special, feel in love again.

I was blindsided, he told me he had checked out of the marriage 5 years ago.

My advice to you is to wait a couple of weeks until after the holidays. You have already waited as year and a half to tell her, 2 more weeks won't make much difference to you, I assume.

Then, I implore you to consider marriage counseling with her to work through your issues. My husband refused to do this and I will never forgive him for not giving our marriage one last shot for the sake of our daughter. I lost all respect for him as a father and I thought his refusal was the most selfish act of his life. This is the mother of your child and she deserves a chance to right her past wrongs and try and change to save your marriage.

If it can't be saved, at least you will both know that you tried. This will make the transition to just being co-parents a lot easier for both of you. As it stands with my stbxh, we are barely speaking and I don't trust him, he is like a stranger to me. I do not know if I will ever truly feel like he is my friend and I find myself doubting his parenting skills and ability to make rational decisions. I feel that he deceived me for 5 years, had a child with me when he knew he doubted our relationship and didn't ever give me a chance to save our marriage.

 

I'm sorry you have had to go through this and the current situation is very sad.

 

I think I would have gladly tried counselling nearer the beginning. But my wife has many times now stated she will never change her position on my family. And even if we did try it, its something that would take a lot longer to heal than it took to damage, and that will only be between us, there will be the hurt my family have taken over the past year to mend as well.

 

I also think the fact I cheated, and if i told her, it would be over means I dont deserve the chance even if I wanted to, to save the marriage.

 

I spend every evening in physical and mental agony over this. We have spoken last weekend about being unhappy, and spoke about the issues, but neither of us had the answer (it was about 2am in the morning) but I havent stopped thinking about it since then, and I cant, its affecting ever facet of my life, and now I just want it to stop.

 

It just really tears me up having to hurt her, and my son. I'm glad in a way he is so young as he wont remember this period.

[BeingMe]

You need to tell her about the other woman.

 

Right now you're putting all the blame on her, both to her face, but also mentally. You chose to bring another person into your marriage. Whatever problems there were before...you just chucked a hand grenade in for good measure.

 

Of course you don't want counselling because then you'd have someone neutral hearing both your sides - it sounds like you believe that the family rift is all your wife's fault. It sounds like you're also blaming her for your affair (yes,sorry, that's what it is)

 

Quite frankly, you're being a coward and telling her it's all her fault and not manning up and taking responsibility for your own poor choices. You're also taking your wife's choices away from her. You've set yourself up as a godlike figure who gets to decide how she would react, without even letting her work that out for herself. And it's not about her...it's all about you. You want her to take the blame for everything and for you to APPEAR to be shining white...actually that white? It's bird crap and you know that anyone who gets close will see it for what it is.

[Saintjohn]

You need to tell her about the other woman.

 

Right now you're putting all the blame on her, both to her face, but also mentally. You chose to bring another person into your marriage. Whatever problems there were before...you just chucked a hand grenade in for good measure.

 

Of course you don't want counselling because then you'd have someone neutral hearing both your sides - it sounds like you believe that the family rift is all your wife's fault. It sounds like you're also blaming her for your affair (yes,sorry, that's what it is)

 

Quite frankly, you're being a coward and telling her it's all her fault and not manning up and taking responsibility for your own poor choices. You're also taking your wife's choices away from her. You've set yourself up as a godlike figure who gets to decide how she would react, without even letting her work that out for herself. And it's not about her...it's all about you. You want her to take the blame for everything and for you to APPEAR to be shining white...actually that white? It's bird crap and you know that anyone who gets close will see it for what it is.

 

The family rift, is definitely something that occured entirely without my influence I'm afraid. That has been discussed between us a number of times. Her falling out with my parents I had no control over.

 

Let me get one thing clear, I do not blame her for the entirety of the problems in anyway. I am just as responsible for our the way our marriage has gone I've just been too complicite and let it go on hoping things will change.

 

I dont want her to take the blame, and it would be far quicker to simply tell her about the affair, no i wont pretend its not an affair, I'm not naive, I know exactly what I have done.

 

You are right that I am taking away some of the choice by not telling her about the affair. But to use your phraseology, when there is a 2 A4 side list of problems we have, that are reasons we should get a divorce, telling her about the affair will be chucking a grenade on it. And while I can live with the fallout of that, because I have accepted what I have done, I dont want it to affect our future relationship involving our son.

 

Perhaps I am just naive, confused and basically scared ****less by it all. But I guess thats why I'm here, for some neutral help.

 

Or maybe I am just being a complete coward.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[BeingMe]

No. You ALREADY chucked a grenade in it.

 

Look, I can understand the fear. I can understand not wanting people to know. I can understand the shame. But hiding it will just eat you up, more and more as time goes on. If you can be honest, it will be a great start in your new life. If not, you're likely to repeat this behaviour in the future.

 

Maybe you're in a fault state and worried about that? Maybe you're worried about her reaction etc (as you said). But keeping this secret will change you for the worse, more than what you've already done. Keeping this secret, will mean that your wife WILL blame herself and that you're willing to let her do that.

 

The decisions you make from here will shape who you become. What kind of man do you want to be?

[jforthegirl]

I agree that you have to come clean about the affair.

My stbxh didn't tell me about the affair at the beginning, I found out about a month after he told me he was leaving. It put me right back to day 1 in the healing process and made me lose even more respect for him. It is the reason I can barely speak to him now. I think that getting hit with all of the pain at one time would have been better than what happened.

And another thing that you should be thinking about is how she is going to feel about you leaving your son. You can tell yourself that you are leaving her (my stbxh sounds like a broken record on this-"I'm not leaving her, I'm leaving you"), but you are also leaving him, leaving your family. You will be making your wife a single mother. Yes, you will also be a single dad, but depending on your custody arrangement, one of you will be with your son more often. And for whoever that is, it is very, very hard. Especially if you are in a compromised emotional state.

There is no easy way out of this. Her heart will likely be broken and your relationship will change forever. And it won't be good.

She will probably even hate you for a while.

I hope that she is rational enough not to try and keep you away from your son, but you may want to be prepared for that. My stbxh sees or daughter daily ( he cares for her while I am at work) during the week, but not at all on the weekends. So just get used to the idea.

And for God's sake, make sure you have a plan to move out of the house immediately. My stbxh had no plan, ended up still living here for a month after he told me, it was excruciating to see him every day knowing how he felt.

[Saintjohn]

I agree that you have to come clean about the affair.

My stbxh didn't tell me about the affair at the beginning, I found out about a month after he told me he was leaving. It put me right back to day 1 in the healing process and made me lose even more respect for him. It is the reason I can barely speak to him now. I think that getting hit with all of the pain at one time would have been better than what happened.

And another thing that you should be thinking about is how she is going to feel about you leaving your son. You can tell yourself that you are leaving her (my stbxh sounds like a broken record on this-"I'm not leaving her, I'm leaving you"), but you are also leaving him, leaving your family. You will be making your wife a single mother. Yes, you will also be a single dad, but depending on your custody arrangement, one of you will be with your son more often. And for whoever that is, it is very, very hard. Especially if you are in a compromised emotional state.

There is no easy way out of this. Her heart will likely be broken and your relationship will change forever. And it won't be good.

She will probably even hate you for a while.

I hope that she is rational enough not to try and keep you away from your son, but you may want to be prepared for that. My stbxh sees or daughter daily ( he cares for her while I am at work) during the week, but not at all on the weekends. So just get used to the idea.

And for God's sake, make sure you have a plan to move out of the house immediately. My stbxh had no plan, ended up still living here for a month after he told me, it was excruciating to see him every day knowing how he felt.

 

I think this is another reason I think its a good idea to wait till she has finished work. Her sister currently lives with her parents until the new year, and I know she would move home for the support of her family.

 

I could move back to my parents immediately, they have spare rooms and would take me in.

 

I want to look after my son as much as she will let me. Id be happy to split it 50:50. I love that little man more than anything else in the world. I may be a **** husband, but I want to be the best father I can be.

 

This is such a horrible effing thing.

[jforthegirl]

You think it is horrible now, it will get exponentially worse once you tell her.

 

As I mentioned before, this post was very painful to read, knowing that my stbxh felt as you do now. After commenting on it and reading all of the posts, I'm confused at how it is making me feel.

I feel some compassion for you, SaintJohn. Which in turn makes me see my ex's side of things a little. He was much more cowardly than you, he waited 5 years to tell me, during which time we bought a house, got married and had our daughter. And we were together for 23 years, so this has been devastating for me.

I wish he would have told me 5 years as ago.

Anyway, you are in for a sh*t show. And my heart goes out to your son, like my daughter, he will be the real loser in this situation.

[Janesays]

If you cared about being a good father, you would not have cheated on your wife. Being a good father means being a good role model. Do you want your son to grow up to be the type of man that cheats on his wife and abandons both her and his infant son without even bothering to tell them the truth? Is that the kind of man you want your son to be?

[RightThere]

I would agree that waiting until after the holidays is best. However you do need to be honest with your wife. Even if you think she's expecting it, she will be blindsided. And if you withhold the fact that you have been in contact with another woman, she won't be able to fully grasp what the situation is.

 

Don't be afraid of the consequences of what you've done. The breakdown of a relationship takes two people, and your wife is responsible for her half. Bringing another women into the picture is all on you, but how you and your wife are with each other is a shared responsibility.

 

And I don't think your ability to see your son will be affected one way or another by the news of another woman. If you just told your wife you wanted to separate, you'll probably have just the same access as though you told her the whole truth.

[RightThere]

If you cared about being a good father, you would not have cheated on your wife. Being a good father means being a good role model. Do you want your son to grow up to be the type of man that cheats on his wife and abandons both her and his infant son without even bothering to tell them the truth? Is that the kind of man you want your son to be?

 

Part of being a father and a role model is making mistakes (and lots of them). I don't think this post is entirely fair. Cheating was a mistake. But no one is abandoning anyone. He wants access to his son and will pay his fair share of child support.

 

The only thing you can fairly accuse him of right now is having the affair, and not being honest about it with his wife.

[Janesays]

Part of being a father and a role model is making mistakes (and lots of them). I don't think this post is entirely fair. Cheating was a mistake. But no one is abandoning anyone. He wants access to his son and will pay his fair share of child support.

 

The only thing you can fairly accuse him of right now is having the affair, and not being honest about it with his wife.

 

Yes. Because the research shows that kids with 'every other weekend' Dads suffer NO ill effects throughout their lives, right?

 

Nope, the research clearly indicates that at least TRYING to save and improve this marriage is in the best interest of his SON.

 

But OP would rather run off with another chick than be a Dad, it seems.

[RightThere]

But OP would rather run off with another chick than be a Dad, it seems.

 

Now you're just making things up. Nowhere does he want to run off with this other woman. And nowhere does he say he wants to be less than an equal parent.

 

I'll give you the fact that he wants to leave instead of reconcile. And parents together is OFTEN better for the kids. But screwed up kids come from married parents and well adjusted kids come from divorced parents. One or the other isn't a death sentence.

[Janesays]

Now you're just making things up. Nowhere does he want to run off with this other woman. And nowhere does he say he wants to be less than an equal parent.

 

I'll give you the fact that he wants to leave instead of reconcile. And parents together is OFTEN better for the kids. But screwed up kids come from married parents and well adjusted kids come from divorced parents. One or the other isn't a death sentence.

 

 

Read some statistics and get back to me.

[RightThere]

Read some statistics and get back to me.

 

I'm not disputing any of your statistics. I'm actually agreeing with you that kids are better with two parents together.

 

I'm disputing your other made up stuff you are accusing the OP of being.

[jforthegirl]

Ugh, I wish that I would have never seen this post.

Such a set back for me personally. I was sucked in by what seems like sincerity, but is really just you deflecting the blame to your wife.

I'm so sad for her, she is about to have her world shattered by a man who is only interested in making himself happy, no matter the cost.

You are about to crush her soul and self-esteem in order to feel better about your cheating and what will surely be your move to reconvene your affair with this woman. You may think that you are doing what is best for your son, but it is painfully obvious that you are only interested in what is good for you.

I hope that she is worth it. And I hope that you know that a relationship built on deceit and lies will never last. You are leaving a path of destruction behind you, your wife and son the undeserving victims.

[oldshirt]

To SaintJohn-

 

 

- have no more contact with this OW at all. Let tihe fog and all those hormones flush out of your system to you can think and act rationally.

 

 

- Have as nice of a family Christmas season as you can and try to keep the bitterness, chaos and discontent to a minimum for everyone.

 

 

- After the New Year, give your wife the, "we-need-to-talk" and either get a sitter and go somewhere just the two of you where you can talk freely or schedule a time at home where the child is in bed the TV is off and you sit down for a serious talk.

 

 

- Approach it from the standpoint that you know she is not happy and satisfied with the marriage either and that the two of you both need to take responsibility for your future well being for each of you and your child.

 

 

- be compassionate and respectfull but be firm and clear that you are deeply dissatisfied with the current state of affairs and that you do not wish to continue this way and that the current status quo must end.

 

 

- Be honest and open that you are seriously considering and looking into plans on how you two can continue to provide effective coparenting and maintain a cordial and amicable relationtionship while divorced and living in two separate households.

 

 

- Give her the option of counseling and the counseling can either be used to try to obtain a close, connected and happy marriage or it can be used to work together to minimize the impact to your child and family and to have the least amount of pain and chaos for all.

 

 

- if she refuses counseling, then you know where the marriage stands and you can begin the paperwork in earnest knowing that you gave her the opportunity to try.

 

 

- I am going to diverge from the rest of the posters here but since you have already broken contact with this other woman and haven't given any indication that your reasons to leave are so you can see her, I recommend you bury that as deep as you can and take it to your grave. Concentrate on your current state of affairs with your wife and deal with your tasks at hand and deal with other women once you are divorced. Make it your cross to bare, not her's.

[oldshirt]

To all the other posters -

 

 

I know we are only hearing his side but there is nothing here to indicate she is any more invested in this marriage than he is. There is nothing to indicate she has any more feelings for him that he does for her. The only thing she wants from him is help and support with childcare. He has clearly stated he is an invested, involved and loving father who will support and be involved in his child's life and will work collaboratively to coparent and raise the child to the best of their ability.

 

 

....it will just be from separate households.

 

 

There is nothing here that indicates that she will be "blindsided" or "devastated" or heartbroken or anything of that nature at all.

 

 

They haven't had any closeness or intimacy for over a year. if she is 'blindsided' by him being dissatisfied and having thoughts of moving on, she's just plain dumb.

 

 

The chances are she is just as ready for a major shake-up of this situation as he is.

[oldshirt]

Yes. Because the research shows that kids with 'every other weekend' Dads suffer NO ill effects throughout their lives, right?

.

 

 

 

There's plenty of research indicating children are harmed when one or both parents are abusive, alcoholics or drug addicts, involved in criminal activity/incarcerated, chronic adulterers, abandon them and don't pay child support, and plenty of research indicating living in a hostile, toxic environment with two parents in the house that are constantly fighting and hostile and disrespectful towards each other.

 

 

Is there any research (from other than a religious source) that indicates two loving, involved, active, supportive parents that work cooperatively to provide a loving and supportive environment for their children from two separate households are damaging?

[Sparky9]

I'd have to agree with oldshirt.

 

Be honest, take done time for yourself and write down all of the things that bother you. Bring it with you when you have your talk...it will help you keep focused, as things will most likely get very emotional, or heated.

 

Are you sure you are ready for a divorce??

 

I thought I was ready to split with my ex...now that it has happened, I am way more unhappy now. I miss my ex, as well as my family.

 

Maybe a possible separation would help. A few months or so for you both to "shake up" those feelings you once had for each other.

[Janesays]

There's plenty of research indicating children are harmed when one or both parents are abusive, alcoholics or drug addicts, involved in criminal activity/incarcerated, chronic adulterers, abandon them and don't pay child support, and plenty of research indicating living in a hostile, toxic environment with two parents in the house that are constantly fighting and hostile and disrespectful towards each other.

 

 

Is there any research (from other than a religious source) that indicates two loving, involved, active, supportive parents that work cooperatively to provide a loving and supportive environment for their children from two separate households are damaging?

 

I'm an athiest and i work asa scientist, so none of the research I look at is religious in nature. But, as far as I know, there is no research to suggest that children from broken homes (as opposed to children raised in a 2 parent household) fair better or even equally to children whose parents stayed together as long as there is no abuse. They nearly always suffer in some way. I know people like to tout the whole 'my kid wants me to be happy' excuse when they are divorcing. But the evidence suggests as long as their needs are being met, kids generally dont care whether or not their parents are happy or sexually satisfied. Again, as long as there is no abuse.