Should I do it now, or in a few weeks.

[Saintjohn]

Old shirt, thank you for your advice, I think that is the best course of action and has made things a lot clearer.

 

 

I'm an athiest and i work asa scientist, so none of the research I look at is religious in nature. But, as far as I know, there is no research to suggest that children from broken homes (as opposed to children raised in a 2 parent household) fair better or even equally to children whose parents stayed together as long as there is no abuse. They nearly always suffer in some way. I know people like to tout the whole 'my kid wants me to be happy' excuse when they are divorcing. But the evidence suggests as long as their needs are being met, kids generally dont care whether or not their parents are happy or sexually satisfied. Again, as long as there is no abuse.

 

While I dont doubt that on average, more divorced familys have greater issues and difficulty, what you have said is blanket bull****.

 

Considering you're a scientist, I would think you would appreciate that statistics when applied to a subject matter with a near infinite number of variables is not particularly useful. These studies you refer to, do they consider the financial, emotional and physical variences of each divorce? Its almost impossible to say what the chances are unless you know my intimate circumstances. But if we are both good parents with full love and support from both families, who are financially stable, do we not have a better than average chance of our son growing up just fine. The way you suggest it is that my son is guaranteed to grow up a to be a horrible person. And if you believe that children are unaffected by parents constantly arguing, being spiteful and vindictive, you are seriously undervaluing the intelligence of a child.

 

jforthegirl. Im not sure what has changed your stance, But I dont believe I am blaming my wife, I am equally responsible, and I'm not out to make myself happy and ignore who I hurt in my wake. All I want is to not be unhappy anymore. I have no intention of running off to this woman the second I am out the door. I will have no contact realistically with any other women until everything else is sorted, one way or another, and even then I doubt I will be emotionally ready to jump into anything.

[Janesays]

These studies you refer to, do they consider the financial, emotional and physical variences of each divorce?

 

If you care to, why not read them yourself? This is your son's life we are talking about. Don't you want to see for yourself what his chances are?

 

Or are you afraid of what you might find?

 

I wish I could find you some studies that show that cutting and running without even TRYING marriage counseling was best for your kid, but I'm sorry I don't have that information available.

[Saintjohn]

If you care to, why not read them yourself? This is your son's life we are talking about. Don't you want to see for yourself what his chances are?

 

Or are you afraid of what you might find?

 

I wish I could find you some studies that show that cutting and running without even TRYING marriage counseling was best for your kid, but I'm sorry I don't have that information available.

 

I have read a lot thanks, I wanted to see if you had any links to proper studies. But I would suggest you look into the research briefly mentioned in this article. (Is Divorce Bad for Children?: Scientific American) I could link you directly to their research but I have better things to do with my time. As i said, far too many variables to make such sweeping statements that you have made.

 

And FYI, I've booked a counselling session, initially on my own for the first week of Jan. I do not think it will be able to solve our problems because of the nature of them.

 

But its lovely that you're so critical and haven't actually provided an iota of advice.

[Janesays]

Read the actual research. Not a short article about the research written by a layperson with an agenda. You can't generally link to studies as most are 20- hundreds of pages long. So what you will need to do is download the PDFs or buy the book.

 

My advice is read the research and then repair your marriage with your wife. Oh, and quit cheating on her.

[Saintjohn]

Read the actual research. Not a short article about the research written by a layperson with an agenda. You can't generally link to studies as most are 20- hundreds of pages long. So what you will need to do is download the PDFs or buy the book.

 

My advice is read the research and then repair your marriage with your wife. Oh, and quit cheating on her.

 

You mean these two laypersons?

 

Hal Arkowitz | Department of Psychology

 

Emory Department of Psychology | Clinical Psychology

 

I have quit cheating which shows how well you read the thread before jumping to your conclusions.

 

Please stop with your advice now. Its become tiresome and unhelpful.

[Janesays]

You mean these two laypersons?

 

Hal Arkowitz | Department of Psychology

 

Emory Department of Psychology | Clinical Psychology

 

I have quit cheating which shows how well you read the thread before jumping to your conclusions.

 

Please stop with your advice now. Its become tiresome and unhelpful.[/QUOTe]

 

Sigh. You can waste your time linking me the bios of 50 shrinks for zero reason or you can spend it wisely reading research that will directly benefit you and your son. I see youve made your choice. I apologize for not blowing smoke up your butt and telling you what you want to hear. I'll go ahead and let you live in your fantasy world where you can do whatever you like with zero negative consequences to those your propose to love. Good luck with that.

[ChinUp]

So - is the problem there was a problem with your family prior to getting married and there still is? My exhusband's family and I never got along great, although I always wanted to work it out - he refused to allow it to happen and I tried reaching out to his family (I apologized) and that didn't work because my ex refused to support any reconciliation because his mother didn't want one- he refused to hold them accountable for hurtful things they did. And ultimately it was the main reason why he left. He chose them even though no ultimatum was ever given by me. His family had a history of "writing people off" - to the extent I never met any of his father's family and we were together for 10 yrs so my guess is his mother made up her mind and instead of him manning up he left me. I say this because if there is an issue with her and your family and you either didn't facilitate any kind of reconciliation and now are using it as a reason to leave her - or am I missing the other issues?

 

You made a commitment to your wife.

 

You didn't give any details as to what the issues were between your wife and family - is there a valid reason for how your wife feels? (not saying alienating your spouses family is ok - it's not - I was the family that was alienated so I know). But are you just hearing their side - my guess is she thinks no matter what she does you will choose your family and that seems to be what you're doing. If the baby is 8 months old how often would be acceptable for them to see your son? Once a month doesn't seem like much but if she's the only one giving in regards to the rift to her it feels like a lot especially since you work with your Dad. My ex worked away from home and instead of spending weekends with me he ran and hid at his parents house - made things exponentially worse - I'm not saying leave your job. But how much time do you feel like you have to be around your parents? She may feel like you need to cut the cord so to speak - I did.

 

Sounds like you have already made up your mind so I don't if anything anyone here says will make a big difference. It makes me sad you have met someone - that is goint to hurt her - no matter what. I'd encourage you to be truthful about it because now it's part of why you are wanting to leave - you think it will be better with someone else.

 

Sorry you are going through this - I hope you are able to find the right anwers for your family. And you need to make sure you set boundaries for your family prior to getting into another relationship if it is the crux of your issue in this marriage.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

God this thread makes me mad. And sad. If you follow the path you are heading (and it sounds like your minds is made up) your son will never experience what its like to have 2 loving parents together. That's just so so sad.

 

Firstly, MAN UP. Seriously. You need to tell your wife. She may decide your infidelity is a deal breaker and make the decision to divorce for you - then you can run off to your 'greener pastures' knowing you did the HONORABLE thing after being so DISHONEST. Try and reclaim some of that integrity you've given away so cheaply. Also, when I say be honest, I mean TELL your wife that the issues she has with your family is a deal breaker for you. Then she has the choice to work on the relationship with your parents or divorce. Make it clear that these are her decisions too.

 

Aside from that, yes, wait until after Christmas. My Dad left at Christmas (left for OW), and it has ruined every Christmas ever since. I hate Christmas.

 

My suggestion, given that you are hanging around for a few weeks? Use that time to make a last ditch attempt on your marriage. You owe that to YOUR SON. You want to be the best parent you can? Give him this gift. Work on your marriage. Because believe me when I say, cheating is not just a betrayal to your wife, you are betraying your son.

 

YOU NEED to go completely no contact with the OW. Honestly, for starters, I will NEVER understand why people are attracted to people who are complicit and willing in destroying someone's family. MAJOR character flaw there. Screams of entitlement and selfishness, but hey, happens all the time, so there you go. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP to give your marriage any fighting chance. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no messages, and no seedy meet ups for more of what you have been doing (i sincerely doubt its just kissing). IF SHE RESPECTS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY SHE WILL RESPECT THIS MOVE.

 

But whilst you keep contacting her you are still in the 'fog'. If you are soooo meant to be, and she is 'the one', she will wait. If she's an honorable person (but I seriously have my doubts) she will understand why. If she wont wait or moves on, then clearly it wasn't meant to be, yeah.

 

Come clean with your wife. See if she's prepared to work on your marriage. DO this for your child. If it doesn't work, you can look your self, and more importantly your son, in the eye and say 'I did my best'.

 

And you need to separate the marriage issues from your cheating. Your wife owns 50% accountability for marriage issues, but you should have sorted it out in the marriage. You DECIDED to CHOOSE to cheat. Thats on you. That past poster is right, you have ALREADY lobbed that grenade. If I was to do triage on your marriage, the issues before the marriage are bruises and broken bones. But your infidelity is a cardiac arrest. You can tend to the broken bones all you like, but if you don't treat the cardiac arrest, your marriage is dead.

 

SO how about,m just for now, you put your son first and attempt to do the right thing by him and his mother, who you made vows to. If it doesn't work out, cest la vie. But what do you have to lose?

Edited December 23, 2013 by ThatsJustHowIRoll